A weird one!

[asas]

Hey! Great to find this forum, it's just what I need. I'm posting totally under an anonymous username because.. well, I wanna be anonymous!

 

Back in December, I met a girl on a forum. We got chatting on MSN and before long I realised I was very attracted to her. Things quickly moved on and we were 'doing things' on webcam, so I assumed she was attracted to me in the same way. There was no reason to believe she wasn't!

 

So, finally, we met in person on Valentine's Day. There were a few reasons that meant it took so long - she'd just got out of a long distance relationship that went awfully (he only seemed to want sex) and it's was just the distance between us: about five hours by train. But it didn't bother me, so we finally did it.

 

I met her and we walked along the beach, then I finally worked up the courage to kiss her, and she kissed back. Heaven. She was my dream girl. She still is! We spent the afternoon at her place and got fairly intimate, and I finally had to catch the train home.

 

Since then, I haven't seen her. We've spoken nearly everyday on MSN for hours and she finally admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that it wasn't the distance that was bothering her, it was her attraction to me - well, lack of attraction. She told me she'd been trying so hard to 'try' and be attracted to me because she liked me so much as a person, but it wasn't happening.

 

She's since met another guy who's taken her out, and they've shared a kiss - not much, but he's clearly very into her.

 

I'm so happy for her - I realised even before we met in person that I'd never felt anything like what I felt for her - and it's great for her. But at the same time I AM jealous and the thought of her having sex with another guy is enough to make me want to hurl.

 

We're good mates and she knows I still have strong feelings for her, and that I'd like to - once I can drive - go down and see her, as I have to go to someone only around half an hour from her anyway. She's not sure about it, even though my intentions really are totally honourable... I think!

 

I just want to see her as a mate and know that things between us are ok. And still part of me hurts when I say to myself "you'll never see her again".

 

I don't know what advice I'm really expecting to get here, but any thoughts would be nice.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think you really have to be careful because at this point you can still avoid a lot of pain.

 

Firstly, she told you she doesn't like you, I don't think it's fair to think she will change her mind or go out with you even if she doesn't want to, in conclusion, a love relationship between you is not going to happen.

 

Secondly, she already started dating and yes, she will have sex with other guys, so why do you think you want to keep hearing about it?.

 

Thirdly, you want to drive there as a friend, but you love her, you cannot be her friend, well, you can, but you will have to just sit there and become an spectator to her love life, do you really think that's the best you deserve?.

 

Finally you mention it's painful to think you won't ever see her again, now think, how much is it going to hurt that in a few years you'll see her with many guys, get married and be happy with somebody else, all whilst she sees you as her "friend"?.

 

Seriously, do NC, if one day you can be her friend and want nothing else from her fine, but if it doesn't happen you have to keep looking for that girl who will fall in love with you.

[asas]

Thanks stolenshadow.

 

Since then, I've been in touch with an old friend of mine and we agreed to meet-up this weekend. We made it quite clear to each other that a bit of 'fun' might be involved - she needs a guy, I need I girl.

 

I told the other girl about this, in the interests of being honest, and it's opened a whole can of worms.

 

It seems that she lied to me about the attraction - I think she is attracted to me, but for some reason she just wanted to get rid of me. I can't think of any reason at all why this would be the case, but it certainly didn't work.

 

Things came to a head yesterday and she admitted that a few days ago when we were discussing about weddings that she did consider the idea of marrying me - something I've considered with her.

 

She says that I'm f-ing her up, but she's doing the same to me! Neither of us intend it to happen, and I just don't understand why it is.

 

I admitted that the reason that I wanted to go and see this old friend of mine was because I wanted to try and get the main girl (let's call her K, it's easier!) out of my system - not that it would work, of course.

 

After breaking down on the phone to K, we eventually got back on MSN and she said the only thing that may have swayed her mind on the phone was if I'd asked her to marry me.

 

I admitted that that's something that I'd considered doing, but I didn't imagine she'd say yes. So I have proposed to her, and she's considering it.

 

She's made me promise that I go and see my old friend in the meantime and that I carry on as normal while she considers.

 

What do I do?

[stolenshadow]

Hello again, well, I won't lie, the situation is worrying, let me tell you why.

 

You got involved now with another person, it's clear you both know it's nothing serious but she's human and has feelings, it's not right to tell her one day you'll have fun with her and the next that you're looking for a relationship with another person, but, will keep "in touch" with her in the meantime.

 

Then you told K that you are going to have fun with another girl, you started a game there and it went how it was meant to, when you play with people's feelings (good and bad) the result will always be negative. You tried to make her jealous and she responded by trying to prove she still had control over you, it can't be the other way around you know?.

 

I think K is doing all she can to state she's the one in charge, she will now say she likes you and she will now say she's willing to marry you just because she wants to make sure she can get any reaction she wants from you. She has known you for a few months, you met once (correct me if I'm wrong) and she decided she wants to spend her life with you?, tell me honestly, does that make sense?.

If she wanted to marry you since the beginning, why did she say she didn't like you?, and more importantly, if you are the love of her life why is she meeting with other guys and kissing them?.

 

It's true you are messing each other up, you are playing games and none of you can accept to end things, she wants to end it but knowing she has control and you want her to use that control against you, anything but an end.

 

Now tell me, what kind of girl wants her fiance to go meet another girl for "fun"???, what kind of girl asks the guy she might marry to "carry on as normal"?, what kind of girl is completely careless about what her other half is doing?.

 

Marriage is not a solution to any problem, is the answer to being together with a person you love and who loves you.

 

Asas, the only solution I see is you stop talking to this girl and you spend some time thinking about how you went from meeting a girl you liked to wanting to marry her knowing you haven't dated, you aren't exclusive and have only seen each other a few hours.

The mess didn't just appear, and this girl has very serious emotional problems, if you don't put a limit and if you don't understand what went wrong things will only get worse.

 

Please, think carefully about this and look after yourself.

[asas]

That seems to make a lot of sense stolenshadow, thanks.

 

Anyone else? I'd really like to get a few opinions on this if poss.

[monkey1]

Yeah, dude you guys are just trying to mess with each other. It doens't look like an honest relationship from the get go.

 

I can understand not being straight off attracted to someone you meet offline, and maybe changing your mind later the more you think about a person, but she seems to be messing with you because she knows you like her a lot. and you know how people do whatever it takes to be with someone who you like a lot. she's got way too much control and you're just doing what she wants so you can keep her.

 

i agree that you should just stop talking to her. it doesn't make sense to get married because seriously, you didn't mention that either one of you actually LOVE each other. she does sound like she's got a lot on her plate and you should go find a nice girl who WANTS to be with you and date you who is attracted to you straight off the bat.

 

that's my 2 cents.

[Bethany]

I feel a major burn coming up for you. Protect your heart.

[asas]

Thanks for the advice, guys.