how many of your exes actually contacted you?

[joyce1412]

hey all. i keep reading all these posts about your ex-lovers getting in touch with you after breakups, even after you have imposed NC. and i just want to understand...how often does this actually happen?

 

my ex was very firm with me in the breakup. we were together for a year and a half. he was vacillating for weeks prior, saying maybe we should spend time apart and then taking it back. he was even saying "god, i wish it were four years from now so we could just get married!" (i am 21, he is in his mid-twenties, so marriage is not in our immediate future.) however, in the final breakup phone call, he actually wished me luck with "the end of school and summer" and said "best of luck with life." he also said no when i asked if he expected to get back together anytime in the future. needless to say, i was NOT very hopeful about him calling me again, and it was pretty easy for me to decide on NC for myself--i felt like i was absolutely, definitely REJECTED, and i might as well go for NC because he seemed to imply he wasn't looking to talk to me anytime soon. his resolve seemed very strong, so i decided that mine should be, too.

 

so maybe you can see why i'm struggling with the thought of my ex calling ME after a breakup. i guess i'm just curious...did any of your exes try to get in touch with you even after a very firm dumping? are people really that weak even when they seem to be so sure that they want to be rid of you?

 

basically, does this REALLY happen?

[mikeca]

we're almost in the same boat my ex-gf said that she couldnt see us getting back together again. Basically all you can do is better yourself, Im doing NC on the chance that she will come back. For me I base on everything throughout the relationship vs. those words because if she doesn want to make it happen again, she'll wont even remember that and just remember us. And either way your moving on, I havent reach that point yet but after awhile we wont even wonder about exs's anymore.

[joyce1412]

i understand what you're saying, and of course i'm curious because i wonder if the people seemingly very committed to breaking up, like my ex, DO come around eventually. i'm three weeks out of a relationship...can you blame me?

 

i'm also kind of interested just in a scientific way. like, how often do these people who were sooo intent on getting you out of their lives turn around and say, "i was wrong! forget everything i said!" because there clearly ARE some of those people out there.

 

humans are strange creatures.

[coolbloke1978]

Its an odd one - in my case my ex does respond back everytime I initiate but rarely initiates anything - its such a shame - to what extent people move on no?

[kadvati79]

I dumped a guy five years ago. It was the right thing to do. I just wasn't attracted to him, and it wasn't working. I was glad after I dumped him, but I didn't regret doing it. And I didn't have the maturity to deal with the relationship.

 

I still think about him, quite often actually. I try to catch up with him every time I'm in his city, but he is always unavailable. I told a mutual friend and he said I totally crushed his heart, and he probably is terrified of meeting me. Made me feel terrible. Like I said, I think about him often.

[nicorette]

hmm. me and my ex have been broken up for 4 weeks today and he calls me almost everyday. it might be because ive been in the hospital and have had serious medical problems (were also going to grad together on saturday). weve hung out since the break up about 4 or 5 times. im not sure if hell come around though. we went out for a yera and a half as well. we went from "going out" to "breaking up but going otu later" to "staying broken up he never wants to go back out" to what we call "half- * * * going out" which is whats happening now.

 

were just really confused. i hope it works out for you joyce!

[furakura]

My ex dumped me very firmly via email/phone, telling me we're no longer friends, i am not to contact him again and that he never wants to get involved with me ever even in the event i was pregnant with his child. He did contact me a week after the breakup via sms demanding that i tell him if i was pregnant or tell him to f*** off. It's been over 2 months but i still feel crushed and question myself constantly. I can't help but wonder what did i do to make him reach a decision to flush me out of his life with such determination?

[haley999]

My story is below - But in a nutshell, together for 2 years, engaged in November. I called off the wedding in December, and he broke up with me in Feburary. When he broke up with me he said, "no more chances, move on, let go" The relationship got too suffocating for both of us - we lost ourselves and we saw know way out of the fighting and anger but to break up.

 

We finally exchanged our "stuff" about 3 weeks ago. I asked him to dinner - we went and had a great time. No relationship talk just catching up. After dinner I asked him if he wanted to come over for a drink. He said, I miss you. I still love you and I missed you every day. I said are you saying you want to try again and he said yes. I said we need to go slow, take our time, and he agreed, and we are trying again. (Minus the crazy!)

 

We have had two great "dates" since then and are on track. We had a little talk last night - or started to - but realized that the wine may negatively effect the talk, so we will postpone until sober

 

(We both have children - him once during the week for dinner and on Friday night- I only have Wednesday and Saturday sans child)

 

So, to answer your question. I initiated the contact by asking him to dinner. We went slow and were relaxed and I think seeing the changes that I have made (got my strut back made him feel comfortable braoching the subject of trying again. I was prepared, fully, for dinner to be it. I would NOT have told him I missed him or loved him and would have left with a "see ya." Although I asked him to dinner, it was up to him (in my mind) to make the leap of let's try again.

 

So, I think they do come back, with time, once the dust has settled and there is love and desire still there.

[007]

Do you believe they come back after being in another relationship?

[haley999]

You meaning me? I'll answer anyway

 

I went on a couple of dates - nothing serious but great for my self-esteem. It was great to meet new people, but it also made me wistful for the easy conversation with me ex - now again boyfriend.

 

Him - didn't date at all. For us it was never a question of lack of love, lust, etc., but whether we could be happy together without driving each other crazy.

 

I think that it's possible to return after a "rebound" relationship. When the haze of newness wears off some people see that the "problems" in their old realtionship were carried forward and not necessarily due to the dynamic of you and ex. Then, they can find that it's worth it to try again with the person they love...

[007]

Thanks Haley...

 

I was wondering this because of my own ex...if you'd like, check the thread titled "rebounds" to see how I'm feeling.

 

Thanks...

[mikeca]

every little storey about finding hapiness again after a break up is inspiring. I still hope. But I'm gonna continue to improve myself anyway and who knows what will happen in the future..I didnt see her coming the first time, whos to say it wont blind side me again?

[OCD]

Hi Joyce,

My ex did contact me after my breakup. I check back in here once in a while, but not like I used to Check back on some of my threads if you'd like to see how things went down...SuperDave was a tremendous help to me....along with many others on this site...thanks guys if you read this I don't talk to my ex any more though. I told her that I was hurt if all she wanted was a friendship....good luck with your situation. Things really do get better over time

 

OCD

[joyce1412]

that's cool. i couldn't see myself wanting to be just friends with my ex. i want all or nothing. sounds extreme, but i can't handle the in-between stuff. i deserve more. plus, i've got a lot of friends already, and none of THEM have broken my heart...i think i like it that way.

 

i don't know. i get that we can't be together right now. but everything about the relationship when it was good (which was everything up until a few weeks before the end) makes me unable to let go of these hopes because we did get along so well. but maybe that's everyone's story, right?

[cantletgo]

This is my story:

 

In the fall of 2004 I divorced my husband of 14 yrs, and we both had shared custody of our 3 children ages 12,11, and 16. Without getting into the whole WHY scene, we just grew apart, even with therapy. He and I both dated others while single, but he never could just let me be. As a result, I began to start doubting my decision to be single and give in to his plea to re-marry and keep our family together. I had been seeing a very kind guy who was 11 years my junior during this period. My ex-husband said that if he and I were going to try again, I had to break it off with the person I was seeing completely. I had only dated this other man for a couple of months, but we did care about each other. My ex was VERY persistent and told me not to see the other guy again, but rather break up with him via email or some other means without physical contact. I told my ex I needed to see him, but my ex said that if there was no love in this relationship, that I should have no problem doing it his way. Well, I had keys to this guys house, and ended up mailing them to him with a dear John letter that blamed myself, and asked him to not contact me anymore. This pleased my ex, as he went with me to mail the package out. A couple of months passed and I sent this guy an email explaining that I was sorry for the way it all ended, but that I was under a lot of pressure, from my ex to get our family together again. I didn't hear back from him until about 3 days before my re-marriage to my ex. The other guy wanted to discuss everything, but I interrupted with the news that I was getting married. I told him things were going to be as they should be, and he said he was happy for me. Months have passed and ever so often either he or myself call each other just to say hello. We never "go there", but we have kept the lines of communication open. He's called to wish me Happy New Year, as well as remembered my BDay.

 

I've been remarried since 9/05, and the total time divorced was 11 months.

 

The other day my Husband heard my phone ringing in my purse and as I've since learned went to look to see who it was!!! Since there were only programmed initials he called the number back. It took about 8 hours for my Husband to ask me who KR was, and that he knew it was a man. I told him just a friend, but he kept on asking. I finally told him it was the man I dated prior to remarrying him. He blew up and asked me why did we feel the need to communicate since it was over. I offered to let him hear the message which was left, to indicate the innocence of it, but he still wanted me to tell this guy to get lost. I then told him that he was only returning my call congratulating me on my college graduation.

 

For days there has been an unspoken tension between me and my Husband. I love him, he's a great father, and lover, but he is very controlling. My husband asked me why do we still talk. I finally realized why........The other guy and myself never had the closure that we deserved to our relationship. I wanted to talk in person, and who knows what might have been said or done as a result of that. But, I could not stand up to my ex(Husband) and just did as he asked. I recently called the ex-boyfriend back and he mentioned there were a couple of phone calls made from my number that someone hung-up on him. He asked if everything was OK, and I said yes. I asked him if we could meet somewhere and talk, and he said he'd get back with me. I have not heard from him since. I don't love this guy, and I guess he doesn't love me, but we just can't seem to let go. Can anyone out there shed any light on this? I feel so horrible.

[OCD]

that's cool. i couldn't see myself wanting to be just friends with my ex. i want all or nothing. sounds extreme, but i can't handle the in-between stuff. i deserve more. plus, i've got a lot of friends already, and none of THEM have broken my heart...i think i like it that way.

 

i don't know. i get that we can't be together right now. but everything about the relationship when it was good (which was everything up until a few weeks before the end) makes me unable to let go of these hopes because we did get along so well. but maybe that's everyone's story, right?

 

 

Hi there, yes my ex and I got along quite well too! I never really saw it coming, but we did have some disagreements just like anyone else. She told me that she just needed "space", what ever that means. I figured you're with someone for 2 years and plans for the future means it's all good, but I guess not. I'm with you though, I cannot be friends with someone that has broken my heart, especially the way my ex did it to me. Totally left me hanging in many ways...but that's the way it goes. I've since met tons of other women that say it's her loss, which makes me feel better I've built up that old self confidence, worked out, etc...just like many others on here tell you to do. It works really it does...I feel much better about myself and if I ever see her, I'll know it was her mistake to leave me and maybe I'll be lucky and she'll want me back, but I will be long gone! Stay positive and be strong, it's the only way to get through it Take care.

 

OCD

[joyce1412]

ugh...that sounds awful OCD. "space" after 2 years? mine was kind of the same deal, only a year and a half. i really couldn't tell you exactly why i thought it ended, but the space issue did come up, and i was like, "...what?" ugh, terrible.

 

i feel the same way, though, i'm almost positive he's going to regret it and i know SOMETHING is going to work out for me, if not him.

 

but still...i hope!

[007]

Joyce, I feel the same way...I KNOW my ex will regret her decision.

 

Something is gonna work out for us, trust and believe in that.

 

Keep your head up, and keep smiling and doing your thing, girl.