He wants space, what the hell does this mean

[rajorani]

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[Beyondthesea]

Personally I think if he had that much space and still couldn't make up his mind, you should just cut the ties. He is either too immature or just not ready for the type of relationship you are.

 

Yes, since you moved how is he supposed to contact you? Interesting scenario really. His psychic abilities must be out of this world.

 

I think you've given him too many chances, and it's time to move on and pick someone who is more committed. After 2 years the stability in the relationship shouldn't be questioned I think. His view of love must be that of 'drama and first kisses' perhaps and that is why he is questioning things so badly.

 

I wouldn't look back. You deserve better than to be yanked around. Unless he solves this issue in his mind, he will continue to play this card.

[Lady Bugg]

Rajor, I agree with Beyond. Two years should be more than sufficient time for someone to know if they want to be in a relationship...and to get beyond the point of needing "space".

 

The line 'I need space"...actually MEANS, 'I need space...without YOU in it"

 

Who KNOWS why he is acting this way? Maybe he likes the infatuation stage

of relationships, maybe he just enjoys the drama of breaking up and getting back together...but EITHER way, it's NOT healthy and not conducive to a stable relationship.

 

I would try to move on from here. He sounds far too problematic.

[rajorani]

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[Lady Bugg]

Rajor...some people simply have issues. Whatever they are. Do you think you can stomach this for 2 more years? Do you want to be his "therapist" for WHY he can't commit to you? He had his chances..and he blew them.

I would DEFINETELY not send him my new phone number...because what if he never calls?? You're going to torture yourself. I DO agree you are to blame

in part for him expecting you to just come back whenever he decides to change his mind...BUT only YOU can change that. You have complete control over your actions and your emotions. This is your chance to prove to not only HIM but yourself, that you don't need him.

 

Take this time apart to evaluate WHY you went back and why you would

consider doing it again. Be honest with yourself. You are free...take advantage of that!!!

[Beyondthesea]

He's just into the chase I think. As soon as you were more emotionally available he was suddenly unwilling. Honestly, you sound like you are better off without him and his drama package.

 

If you want stability and smooth sailing, he's not the one for you.

[rajorani]

if hes into the chase, isnt that going to mean he will never be happy with anyone b/c the chase wears off in every relationship..its only inevitable isnt it!!

[Lady Bugg]

Absolutely Rajor...and he will realize this.....Again,I do NOT think this about you. This guy clearly has issues YOU are not responsible for. Please don't think that.

 

Enjoy knowing you narrowly escaped a life of drama and misery. He did you the biggest favor you can imagine.

[rajorani]

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[sir sirloin]

I didnt read the post because it was long and I don't have that kind of attention span...however in response to the title, if someone says "I need space" you can just add to the end of that "without you in it."

[Lady Bugg]

Rajor, not to undermine how you feel, but you are ONLY 21 years old!!! I was engaged at that age and ended it because I KNEW I was too young to get married. You are going to thank this guy someday for letting you go when you meet someone who doesn't HAVE to question whether he wants to be with you. Trust me...

 

Hang in there...

[BellaDonna]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

Unfortunately, some people cannot handle having a normal relationship. Your ex sounds like he thrives on drama- and likes riding an emotional roller coaster. That is why you are seeing extremes from him crying to him being joyful when you take him back. It almost sounds manic. A healthy, balanced relationship does not consist of such extreme emotions all of the time. A healthy relationship is characterized by trust and a level of acceptance and comfort- in that you know the person loves and cares for you, and is still going to be there with you tomorrow.

 

I agree with the other posters- whatever his issues are- they can no longer be your problem. You gave him 2 years of your life to figure out what he wanted- and he still doesn't know. For your own sanity you have to cut all ties. Don't wait around for him. I don't think he's worth any more of your time.

 

The hard part is that you stated: when he was good- he was really good- but you have to get yourself to also remember the bad. We all try to see the good in people- but in this case -the pain he is causing you is outweighing the "good". That's when you know it's time to let go completely.

 

You deserve someone who will be consistently good to you- all of the time.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Beyondthesea]

Hang in there girly. It's hard but you can make it through.

 

Trust me, now is the time for you to reestablish your old life, friendships, hobbies, etc. Then when the right one comes along, you will already be 'in place' if you know what I mean.

 

I assure you he will hit this in every relationship he encounters. As soon as the newness of the relationship wears off, he will want the rollercoaster ride and do the same thing over and over again. I had a relationship like this before and it was mentally exhausting. The worst one I ever had. Now I smell drama kings a mile away. No thanks! The drama is exciting at first, the reconciliations romantic, then it's just plain annoying and draining.

 

Feel free to PM me if you need a shoulder. I've been there baby!

[rajorani]

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[ocrob]

I always say this on other threads and I will say this now. Men make a lot of mistakes. If he truly loves you, then he will come crawling back. It seems us men forgive much more than women. I think you are acting appropriately and have acted dignified. He may or may not realize his loss. If he does, then he will come running back. Unfortunately for us guys it is too late. I hope it is not too lae for the two of you. I hope you keep NC and I hope he calls you to tell you he can't live with out you. If you still like him, then be sweet and nice, but make him prove himself. It seems that us guys or me just don't get the serious of the situation till it is too late. My last two ex's decided things were over before I even had a chance to react. I personally think that women have the upper hand, if the guy truly likes or loves them. We forget things fast and the woman seems to never forget. I am on your side in this situation, but also know what this guy may be going through. He may or may not have just freaked out and got scared. I can't speak for him because I know some guys are dirtbags and others are like me. I just don't see the signs and sometimes feel pressured and overlook things. Either this guy is over you or making a big mistake. I hope he realizes his mistake in enough time. We all perceive things differently. I say go your separate ways and don't pursue him and if he is not too late, then give him a chance. If he is too late, then he has to deal with it.

[zpivat]

Hi rajorani,

 

I'm sorry to hear about what's happening to you. My first impression when I first read your post is that your ex/ex-bf is either immature/confused. I know exactly how you feel because I have faced such kind of people in my life. It causes so much heartache, I know, and I wish I could do something about it so that nobody in this world would feel so painful, but unfortunately there's nothing that we can do.

 

Well I'm glad that at least he's willing to talk to you once in a while. I myself know others who sometimes disappear for no reason, and when I confront, they say how everything's ok, bla bla bla. I think I'm mature enough to smell lies from faraway. I just HATE it when people hide their feelings and give no attempt to discuss things!

 

If I were you I'd try to stop "chasing" so that he'll finally know what he is losing. I don't think you should cut all ties though. Many people go through different stages of life, and we might never truly know their internal emotion. He probably has underlying problems (which have nothing to do with you at all and hence you are at no fault) that he is not even ready to discuss with you!, and trust me on this one, as it happened to me before. Yes you may love him and it is in your best interest to be there when he needs you, but don't let this heartache ruin your life!

 

I wish you all the best and a safe trip back to Canada!

 

N.B: I see that you're in Toronto and that you're coming back soon....well why don't you have yourself some fun?? ^_^. Go back and finish your summer school, and then....I don't know....go rollerskating at Lakeshore, or play at Ontario Place and scream all you want....je je...*j/k*.

[Belle]

Raj,

 

Wow, do I feel for you. My ex is similar but not that histrionic. He seemed to thrive on teh drama of the possibility of break up and chased after me when we did. He treated me better when he got me back than he had to get me in the first place. And of course that quickly waned to general confusion. He didn't know what he wanted. He still doesn't and I realized that even if I did go back I don't really want or need a roller coaster. I've experienced a lot of commitmentphobia myself. All of my exes would meet someone after me and get married and I'd think "thank god it's not me." After about the 3rd or 4th time I started wondering why I was so reluctant to pursue it.

 

Despite my own commitmentphobia, I thought I could see myself settling down with this guy. Maybe it's my age or because we're highly compatible or both. But the drawback is the drama. I don't want someone who's confused.

 

I think NC would be the best way to go for now. Get back on your feet and focus on yourself. It's been about 5 weeks now for me and I feel almost over it. Just last week I hit the negotiation stage where I was on the verge of driving over to his house. Then some sort of peace came over me and I realized it wouldn't work if I did go back. Keeping your eye on reality and what you need will help. And do you really need all of this crap?

[rajorani]

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[kadvati79]

I'm just horrified and scared that he might be sitting there saying ''yippee, im fine, i dont need/want her, i dont need this''

 

I have spent alot of time reflecting on my past relationships, now that I lost someone I truly loved.

 

I think about, in particular, the one ex of mine I dumped who loved me with all his heart, body, and soul. This guy would drive all the way accross the city, at the age of 17, to stay with me for the night on base, and then get up early in the morning and drive back.

 

I cheated on him, about a zillion times. Then I dumped him out of guilt. Then I told him and we got back together for a month before it ended again cause it just wasn't working, I wasn't into him.

 

I think about him ALOT. It was like four or five years ago. I don't want to get back with him, never really have. But I still think about him. I know it wasn't working, but the fact he loved me so much is something I always think about. For a long time, even now, I convinced myself I was fine and happy without him. And actually, I was so happy for a long time afterwards. But eventually, I found I started to reflect on things a little wiser, a little maturer, and I'm not sure I would make the same decision again.

 

If you truly dedicated yourself to someone, truly loved them with all your heart, they will never. Ever. EVER. Forget that. No matter how hard they try. No matter how unhappy they were. They will not forget it.

[rajorani]

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[Beyondthesea]

You are doing the right thing in moving on. He will never settle down and make up his mind.

 

Even if he did come back, would you want to go through this all again in 2 months? 6 months? 2 years from now? When you're married? Forget it! He is immature and doesn't know what love is supposed to be.

 

Simply put; you're too mature for him, and he's not good enough for you baby.