Lately I've felt as though I really do suffer from depression

[easyguy]

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a reclusive, shy person. I somehow felt that I could not relate to anyone, especially in middle school and high school. On field trips where we'd take a bus, I always end up sitting alone, unless someone just HAD to sit next to me because there was nowhere else to sit. I'd just gaze out the window, frowned faced and just anxious to get whatever we were doing done so I could go home and be alone, or go somewhere else where I wasn't surrounded my people. I've always felt excluded from the group, from my peers. And when someone tries to make me feel part of the 'group', it always ends up being a joke.

 

I took up music all throughout high school, and still am focusing on that. I'm somewhat of a late starter, so I've always had that feeling of the need to play catch-up to stand a chance in the professional music world. Everyday I try to focus on my craft, practicing, studying the music.. and always listening to it to further hone my playing abilities. I have a lot of pressure to take my music professionally (I really am trying to), but I have to continue squeezing in countless hours devoting my time to it to have a chance in the professional world, which is cutthroat and one of the hardest professions out there.

 

Because I am always focusing all of my energy and free time into my music, I have never really had (or have) a social life outside the home. I lack in social skills (though am aware of them), and attempt after attempt at making moves on girls I like, I always get rejected for one reason or another, which sends me in a downward spirial of emotions because I don't have many friends (only 1 I would consider a friend) at all to bounce back on. I don't really fear rejection, but it often hurts my self-esteem when it's sad that no girl has ever been attracted to me in my 19 years of living. I'm a nice guy, and I think I could have a lot to offer, but I have never been given a chance to open up to someone.

 

I spend quite a few days emotionally drained, subconscious about the littlist things, and overall just not living my life to it's potential. Sometimes it even interferes with school. Like today for instance -- I skipped one of my classes so I could go home, because it would have been pointless having me in class. When I'm feeling really down, I can't concentrate at all, or even care to do anything.

 

I'm in college now, which isn't making it any easier obviously. Some days I just want to go into a corner and cry, between the stress and trying cope with being so incredibly lonely. I don't think I've ever felt truly happy in many years. Nothing rarely puts a huge smile on my face, unless it's from the TV, which I'm trying to cut back on. I tend to get irritated with people over the smallest things, like some girl talking on a cell phone, moving away from me, whatever. I naturally have never been a smiler, or someone open to conversation.

 

I don't know, I just feel like with all the things that have attributed to it, I feel like this is something serious. I get really nervous around people in a social setting (especially girls/women), I'm often cynical/untalkative, and can never seem to do something right the first time. I don't feel like a complete person. Sometimes it seems like people love taking me for granted, or taking advantage of me.

 

This is part rant, part 'what do I do?'.

[AwdreeHpburn]

easyguy - sorry you feel so uneasy.

 

To be honest, you sound like a stereotypical musician. Into the music, listening to it and making it and that's about it. Of course girls too....

 

Try to think of it this way, when you're famous, not only will girls be a plenty, they'll be plenty willing....

 

I too am very introverted and not comfortable socially. It gets easier. Forcing yourself ooutside of your comfort zone is really the only cure. You have to practice it.

 

One day tho - you're edgy, cynical side will be why you're sought after.

[Tigris]

I also think you have depression. Go and see your doctor.

[SilverManic]

Although I never experienced things on that extreem I was the one who no one would sit next to for a long time. I know how it feels. For a very long time I was anti-social only spoke to people online, poured my heart into my art work (I painted a lot back then).

But as time grew on I moved from point to point and I would talk to people. I'm still pretty secluded now. But I see a couple of people that arn't really friends but more people I call up to go to the pub with on a catch up thing and talk about what life is like for us etc etc. We see eachother probably about once or twice a month and don't keep contact inbetween.

But even if you can get out and do something for just a couple of hours each week with some friends it helps the lonely feelings. I used myspace to make a friend in my area. We meet up from time to time. I keep contact with a friend from college and my ex boyfriend. That is my social life offline right now. But I busy myself with other things so I don't have to think about it.

Sure we all cry about it but you just need to get out there and talk to people.You need to balance out the working and the playing. It can't all be work and no play because it will do your mental heath no good.

Good Luck,

~S.

[TakingtheBlame]

Easyguy,

 

I just have to post my two cents worth because I read your post and just had such a wave of empathy wash over me. I, too, have always felt uneasy and anxious in social situations and never had a date in high school because I just didn't know how to interact with people (a few guys liked me but I was too shy to give them a chance). I had my first relationship/kiss when I was 18 and then another relationship when I was 23, interspersed with a casual relationship or two in college and law school.

 

I am 25 now and I still have trouble relating to other people, especially men. I get anxious and tongue-tied when people say hello to me suddenly, and I feel as if I'm hyperventilating if I am forced to socialize at networking events or speaking engagements (as a law student, it is difficult for me to avoid these things.) But as Ta_Ree_Saw points out, it is imperative that you push yourself outside of your comfort level. It feels like hell at first, but eventually it becomes second nature...I used to walk into a classroom feeling like everyone was looking at me and judging my appearance or actions, but after years of forcing myself I can finally walk into a room looking and feeling like I'm confident, and this small improvement has really changed the way people react to me (I get asked out a lot more, and people seem more eager to talk to me than they used to). Plus, I feel a lot better about myself.

 

You're still pretty young and, with some practice and experience, I'm sure you can become a much more confident and charismatic young man (the musician thing raises the attractiveness factor that much more). Of course, it never hurts to go see a psychologist or psychiatrist...you may be suffering from depression or social anxiety disorder, in which case counseling or medication may be prescribed to help you function better.

[tylercdurden2004]

It gets easier. Forcing yourself ooutside of your comfort zone is really the only cure. You have to practice it.

 

This is true for so many things. Good advice.

[x-axis-c-clamp]

This sounds almost exactly how i feel at the moment and the replies that i have read from other people have helped me understand what i/we're going through.

I too poured myself into music and i have to say it never lets me down. Make sure you keep at it and keep your passion because it truly is invaluable.

Im planning on arranging to see someone about the way i feel, i hope it works and i think if it feels right, you should do the same