Should I date my ex's cousin?

[greent]

So, I've got myself into a pretty serious situation that I need advice on. To be fully understood I need to give the history of the situation. Sorry if it's long but much of it is important.

 

I had been in a serious relationship from 5 years ago up until about a month ago. I'm 22 years old and had been with her since my senior year in high school. It started as a friendship and ended up developing into a relationship because that's what she wanted. She showed a lot of interest and even though I wasn't interested, I didn't want to hurt her because I cared about her. So I let myself fall into it. Being 17, I don't think I was mature enough to know this was a bad choice. Things continued on over 5 years and became steadily more serious and with graduating college talks of marriage even began to arise. I went along with it assuming I could continue to be content. Then it got bad.

 

After graduating college we moved in together. We had two roommates. One was a guy I knew from college and the other was my girlfriend's cousin. Now her cousin and I always got along really well. It was kind of one of those things where when you talk to the person you instantly feel connected to them but you don't know why. On top of that she and I share a lot of common interests. I'm a very athletic person and so is she. We run, bike, ski, and do all kinds of physical activities together. While my girlfriend is over weight and doesn't really do anything physical. This is a huge problem for me because at 22, my hobbies are a huge part of my life. Needless to say, over the past year of living together, the cousin and I have developed strong feelings for each other. Neither of us knew about the other's feelings until very recently when I began showing signs of wanting to break up with my girlfriend. We started to talk alot online and emailing back and forth.

 

During and just after the breakup all of our feelings for each other came out into the open. I have since moved out and we have continued to hang out a lot and things are beginning to develop into something more. The danger in this is that my ex can never find out or she would hate her cousin for it. On top of that, to my frustration, my ex's immediate family seemed to have alot invested into our relationship. So, by getting involved with me, the cousin is risking losing a relationship with her cousin and a significant part of her family.

 

Is it worth it to pursue things further? Or should we back off and forget about everything. The latter option forces us to suppress some very strong feelings and I'm not sure if either of us have the strength or desire to give up what we have. So, with all emotions considered, what is the best course of action to take? Do we do what makes us happy or do we give into what the social situation says we should do? Also, could the family ever be OK with us being together? After all, it only affects a small part of their lives while it is hugely important to us.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Not worth losing family and friends over.

[kellbell]

Sorry, I strongly advise against this. There are several other girls you can connect with like you did with your ex's cousin. I think you should be responsible for the choices you have made with your ex. You went against your better judgement by continuing dating her. No need to drag other family members in this. I would have to say cut your losses and strict NC with the entire family. Good luck and take care.

[Süsser Tod]

Well, I'm going to play devil's advocate, I think you should go for it.

 

 

Seriously, people must understand and accept that things sometimes just don't work, and that is no good reason too keep yourself from bigger and better things.

 

If you both want it, and if both are willing to accept the consequences (that you already know there will be, and more or less, what they will be), then go for it.

[greent]

So I guess I feel like I should go for it. But as someone said, it's not worth losing family or friends over. I'm not really risking anything, so from my perspective it's not as difficult. But on that subject, what does her family really do for her. Aside from holidays and family functions, the rest of her life she is still left to do as she pleases. So I'm conflicted in that regard.

 

But would I be wrong to pursue things knowing what she's risking? Or is it her choice to make? While it is technically in her control, I have a large influence over the decisions she makes. Because of her feelings, I have the power to make her go against her better judgement. Am I wrong to influence her for my/our benefit?

[kellbell]

" I have a large influence over the decisions she makes."

 

HUH???? What does that mean?? Can she think for herself and make decision based on what she feels would benefit her? I am not only referring to her persuing a relationship but in general?

 

"Am I wrong to influence her for my/our benefit?"

 

I don't get it?? I don't know...this sounds more and more wrong to me. Can you please clarify things a little more.

[greent]

Sorry, something weird happened with that last post

[angela1234]

I would strongly advise against this. U r 22 and have been in a 5 year realtionship until a month ago? Right?

 

Dude u need to spend some time on ur own no matter how interested u may be in ur girlfriend's cousin. If u were to get into this relationship I believe it wouldn't work. After a 5 year relationship u need some time to heal. U should not jump into another relationship especially not with someone revolving around ur ex.

 

Just get out there. Hang out! Enjoy life on or own. See what u really want. Keep ur friendship with the cousin if u want to, but all u r risking here is destroying the relationship of two relatives just cauz u feel in love after breaking up a month ago.... At least take some time to think. If it's really meant to be with the cousin it will happen even if u wait a year. But just stay on ur own for now.

[greent]

" I have a large influence over the decisions she makes."

 

HUH???? What does that mean?? Can she think for herself and make decision based on what she feels would benefit her? I am not only referring to her persuing a relationship but in general?

 

"Am I wrong to influence her for my/our benefit?"

 

I don't get it?? I don't know...this sounds more and more wrong to me. Can you please clarify things a little more.

 

 

I mean I think that I influence her decisions by pursuing things. I wonder if it is wrong to pursue things knowing that she won't be able to make a rational, objective decision when her feelings are still strong.

 

Should I take it upon myself to step back or should it be her decision to tell me that's what she wants?

 

Angela1234, that is good advice and I know that's exactly what I need. The problem I'm currently facing is that, because of my feelings, I don't have a desire to be alone or see what else is out there. What's a good way to get into that mode? When I go out I'll talk to other girls but I can't help but keep thinking about her. I can't even force myself to be interested in anyone else. Luckily, she's going on a 3 week trip in a couple of weeks so I'm hoping I'll be able to clear my head during that time. Either I'll miss her terribly or I'll be able to separate myself from her emotionally. I hope it's the latter.

 

It's one thing to say all this but then she calls and it's all out the window again. My rational thoughts are a slave to my emotions. Any advice on how to deal with that?

[angela1234]

U said it yourself. U can't imagine being on your own and u not rationnal right now. So u really got it. Is this the time to make a decision that could break a family and also put u in bad terms with ur ex??

 

I've never been in a 5 year relationship, but I can only imagine how tough it is to get out of it. Seriously, as hard as this may seem stay on ur own for now. It's good the cousin is going on a trip for 3 weeks, but even 3 weeks I believe is not enough.

 

U probably have a nice girl out there that u connect with and that wants to be with u and it attracts u cauz u r heartborken and afraid to be alone since u forgot what it is from the age of 17.

 

If u guys ever end up in a relationship, u will be facing many problems. The family, the ex feeling betrayed the judgments and the guilt. Only a strong person can face those problems and overcome them and I believe u r weak right now and won't be able to make this relationship work....for now.

 

I would even recommend low contact with the cousin. Hang out with guys for now and do what u enjoy. Not a time to meet a girl.

[Süsser Tod]

I've never been in a 5 year relationship, but I can only imagine how tough it is to get out of it. Seriously, as hard as this may seem stay on ur own for now. It's good the cousin is going on a trip for 3 weeks, but even 3 weeks I believe is not enough.

 

You have NO IDEA how easy is to get out of a LTR that has been hell for one year, as the OP's relationship. I know it because I've been there, walking out of a 4 year relationship, it was easy, reliefing, and the best thing I've done so far.

 

In my case, I had lost feelings for her over a year before the breakup, I had gotten over that relationship a long time before the official breakup.

 

U probably have a nice girl out there that u connect with and that wants to be with u and it attracts u cauz u r heartborken and afraid to be alone since u forgot what it is from the age of 17.

 

Are we reading the same story? Basically this guy NEVER fell in love with the ex, how can he be heartbroken if he wasn't in love and he was the dumper?

 

If u guys ever end up in a relationship, u will be facing many problems. The family, the ex feeling betrayed the judgments and the guilt. Only a strong person can face those problems and overcome them and I believe u r weak right now and won't be able to make this relationship work....for now.

 

???? Guilt? I don't see this guy overly concerned with what the ex may or may not think, his may concern seems to be the relationship of the cousin with the family.

 

I would even recommend low contact with the cousin. Hang out with guys for now and do what u enjoy. Not a time to meet a girl.

 

 

This guy had been trapped for way too long on a relationship thad didn't made him happy, a relationship he actually never wanted...

 

He has been a prisioner of the ex for too long, why don't you want him to experience life now that he is free?

[kellbell]

"This guy had been trapped for way too long on a relationship thad didn't made him happy, a relationship he actually never wanted...

 

He has been a prisioner of the ex for too long, why don't you want him to experience life now that he is free?"

 

He could have left when ever he felt like it. Unless he was chained and locked in a basement...only YOU stop yourself from ever leaving a relationship. HE CHOSE to stay in a loveless relationship and string his ex along. My guess is he stayed out of pity, guilt, and obligation. Wrong reasons to stay. To the original poster, date whom ever you want, even if it is your ex's cousin, just be prepared to deal with any possible consequences.

[Süsser Tod]

He could have left when ever he felt like it. Unless he was chained and locked in a basement...only YOU stop yourself from ever leaving a relationship. HE CHOSE to stay in a loveless relationship and string his ex along. My guess is he stayed out of pity, guilt, and obligation. Wrong reasons to stay. To the original poster, date whom ever you want, even if it is your ex's cousin, just be prepared to deal with any possible consequences.

 

 

Yes, right. Guess emotional blackmail and that kind of thing only exist on my imagination...

 

Fact is, the ex may have used many tactics to keep him, like emotional blackmail, making him feel pity, or maybe even emotional abuse.

 

I'm not saying he is not responsible, he is. Happily, even if it took him 3 years, he realized the mistake he was making and took action.

[greent]

I didn't stay in a loveless relationship. I love and care about my ex but what was missing was the spark. What was missing was the real connection that I had never felt until living with her cousin. I didn't do her any injustice by staying with her. Don't forget this is a relationship that started in high school. It's not like what you expect out of a serious adult relationship. When I considered my future with her and things started to get very serious, that's when I decided I had to get out. I never strung her along. There was a friendship holding us together. But as soon as I realized that wasn't enough I told her about it. It just took a year to develop to a full breakup.

 

Now I will say that I'm not heartbroken and it was relatively easy to get out of the relationship. When I say that I have no desire to be alone or date other girls it is not because I just came out of a serious relationship. It is because I have very strong feelings for someone... she just happens to be the cousin of my ex. I'm sure you know the feeling. No matter what you do you can't help but think of one person. The person you want to be with.

 

You are right, my concern is not for my ex but for the cousin. My ex will have to move on no matter what. She's lost me any way you look at it. The only concern I have for the future is to do with the cousin.

 

But back to the idea of needing to be alone for a while, I think you are right on target. I'm going to try to take it easy for a while and let things pick back up once I'm happy by myself. I say that but who knows. I'm sure things will work out some other way I haven't considered. There's no way I could have called anything up to this point so why should I think I can predict anything now?

 

One last thing.. someone said that there are several other people out there that I can have that connection with. A person like that is hard to find. Obviously I didn't and won't get into the details of why I feel as connected to her as I do but she is one of a kind and so am I. And I know she feels it too or she never would have risked what she has up to this point. I may be young but I've met a lot of people. She is the only person I've ever been emotionally attracted to. I'm sure there is someone else somewhere I could feel this for but is it worth the risk of giving up this one? What if I don't find it? What about her? Knowing her as well as I do, I know she would have an extremely hard time finding someone she can connect with. I fear for her happiness as much as my own.

[Süsser Tod]

I didn't stay in a loveless relationship. I love and care about my ex but what was missing was the spark. What was missing was the real connection that I had never felt until living with her cousin. I didn't do her any injustice by staying with her. Don't forget this is a relationship that started in high school. It's not like what you expect out of a serious adult relationship. When I considered my future with her and things started to get very serious, that's when I decided I had to get out. I never strung her along. There was a friendship holding us together. But as soon as I realized that wasn't enough I told her about it. It just took a year to develop to a full breakup.

 

So, you were not in love with her, it was friendship love, nothing more. Guilt is tough, isn't it? You may not want to say it, but that is the truth. (Don't ask me how I know)

 

Now I will say that I'm not heartbroken and it was relatively easy to get out of the relationship. When I say that I have no desire to be alone or date other girls it is not because I just came out of a serious relationship. It is because I have very strong feelings for someone... she just happens to be the cousin of my ex. I'm sure you know the feeling. No matter what you do you can't help but think of one person. The person you want to be with.

 

Been there, done that, no regrets. Go for her. I got out of a LTR 4 months ago, it lasted 4 years, and well, very similar to yours, I was in love with her, but we grew apart so much, that at the end we were not even friends! First year was kinda good, second so-so, third was bad, fourth was awfull.

I had met my current gf while I was stuck on that relationship, but never went for her. One day I decided I have had enough of my ex (she started a drama over nothing), and well, broke up with her.

 

Two weeks later I thought about that girl I had met the previous year, got in touch with her, and she is now my gf.

 

 

You'll get TONS of "if your relationship lasted 3 years, then you neeed 1 year to heal, so no dating for you for the next year", or some other things among the same line.

 

NOT true all the time, not true for all people, not true for all relationships.

 

The relationship that took me the longestt to get over has also been my shortest relationship (if it even could be considered one).

 

You are right, my concern is not for my ex but for the cousin. My ex will have to move on no matter what. She's lost me any way you look at it. The only concern I have for the future is to do with the cousin.

 

So? Why think about the ex?

 

Don't, just focus on the future.

 

But back to the idea of needing to be alone for a while, I think you are right on target. I'm going to try to take it easy for a while and let things pick back up once I'm happy by myself. I say that but who knows. I'm sure things will work out some other way I haven't considered. There's no way I could have called anything up to this point so why should I think I can predict anything now?

 

That is something only you can decide. If the connection is as strong as you say, things will go your way. I'm only trying to tell you, don't blow her just because of your previous relationship, give her the chance she deserves.

 

One last thing.. someone said that there are several other people out there that I can have that connection with. A person like that is hard to find. Obviously I didn't and won't get into the details of why I feel as connected to her as I do but she is one of a kind and so am I. And I know she feels it too or she never would have risked what she has up to this point. I may be young but I've met a lot of people. She is the only person I've ever been emotionally attracted to. I'm sure there is someone else somewhere I could feel this for but is it worth the risk of giving up this one? What if I don't find it? What about her? Knowing her as well as I do, I know she would have an extremely hard time finding someone she can connect with. I fear for her happiness as much as my own.

 

Eventually you will find someone else. Though, eventually, cows will come home. The odds say you will, but it is also extremely important to find that person at a good stage on your life. It won't be the same if you meet her while in your 20's than in your 40's after two divorces, you know what I mean?

[kellbell]

"First year was kinda good, second so-so, third was bad, fourth was awful."

 

Susser...this is EXACTLY how my four relationship was too! Yikes. I am glad as heck I am no longer in it.