The wonder and Glory of pain

[Spugly Fuglet]

The wonder and Glory of pain

 

I have posted here before talking about my feelings and my pain from an old love.

Well I think I have found at last an ending.

I will change the names of the parties to keep them safe.

But I will go throw what has happened to me over the last 3 weeks.

 

About three weeks ago two things happond on the same day.

1, was a drunk driver hitting my car as I was getting in it,

2: was that after 13 years of NC I found out V Friends Reunited

What my lost love had been doing and where she lived.

 

Some history, I started art collage and my 1st week there I met a girl who the moment I looked at her I fell head over heals for,

I tried to get her to date me for 4 mouths until Xmass that year when I called her and she asked me over to see her in her home city.

After that we became BF/GF and my life was shear bliss I loved her with such depth that we would talk and tell

each other our dreams and hopes for what we would do latter in life. She was tall Blond and blue eyed,

I was tall with a cool chopper Motobike we both loved art.

But I was so into her that my collage work suffered and I failed the 1st year,

I failed the retakes so I got a job and worked full time wile redoing my 1st year again.

That put me 1 year behind (lets call her) Nic, well by this time we have a flat and I’m working and studying to pay the bills.

She do year 2 and I’m back on for year 1, we move to a new flat and I’m still working to bring home the bacon.

Now she’s in year 3 last year and Im in year two its then that I ask her to marry me,

I’m helping her out making art works for her so she can finish which she can put in her degree show.

She gets a 2:1 and spends the summer with me while I get ready for year 3.

Then she says she can not stay with me for year 3, that she needs to start work on her carers and

she can not get a dead end job and wait for me. She moves out 1 week later back to her mum and dads 40 miles away

and I’m left alone in our flat,

 

This is where my evil room mate form year one comes in lets call him Bob,

well bob loves Nic I know this because he told me one drunken night and said he would do any

thing to get her. But soon he had a GF and I forget is words, But all his GF throw collage where

friends of Nic's every one. That meant we hung out and Rob

was always there, my mate Bob. Then one day he says the only reason Nic likes me is for my

Motorbike that if I did not have that she would dump me. Well not long after me and

Nic have a crash on the Bike and I decide to sell it after I fix it up.

That meant that at the end of year 3 for her she move back home

40 miles away and the only way for me to see her is V bus.

But Bob o he has plains dos Bob.

 

Well there I am on my own Me and Nic tells me that this is only temporary until I finish my Degree.

But she’s having a go at me now and then saying "what will I do after I get a Fine art degree?". Meanwhile

Bob has a new job and Bob has a new car and Bob pops down to see Nic from his city she says how nice it is to see him.

Good old Bob, Then one day I get a car for a week end and pop over to see her with out saying I'm coming. She goes nuts

“tell me next time, don’t just come over with out saying some thing” Deep deep down I know some thing was wrong.

But she was still saying she loved me and cared for me, I head back to collage but I stayed with her that last xmass

and she helped me do my Dissertation, I’m dyslexic and you can tell. We she’s very angry at me for making her

work on this and keeps saying how bad I was for not doing it befor hand, then she says "what use are you",

"what can you do after collage" and "how will you make a living".

 

Well I head back once more to Art collage, but I just fell apart I'm working on a BA that will never get me a job so I can look after Nic

So I had a brake down partly due to work load and partly due to what my GF had been saying.

I got obsessed with that fact I was ill and just could not stop I called her all the time and tried to find some hope.

I missed her so much but she just stayed at home with mum and dad and I had to look after myself.

In the end I put myself in mad house to find help it was there on the 3 day that I called her and she dumped me.

"I did not wont to do it this way But you have made me so its over dont ever contact me again"

NC, I called and call, I rote and did every thing you should not do when hit with NC I just could not stop myself.

I checked myself out of hospital and headed home to mum and dads for 2 weeks. Still she would not see or talk to me.

I headed over to her home but her dad was there saying she was in

Spain with her mum and that then she was going to another City. She never wonted to see or hear me again.

Well I just throw my self in to my BA and did nit getting a 2:2 and a place on an MA.

Then throw a friend I was give her Phone number at her new city.

I called and well she said I should not call her ever again and if I did she would call the police.

That’s when I know I needed to stop and I did.

 

That’s was the summer of 1993

 

I fell apart and was in a deep depression for 2 years until if started painting and doing research into VR.

In 1995 I head over to the USA for 3 mouths and had a grate time there making life long friends.

I had other GF's but our relashoshipsl fell apart I never really loved them

Just tried to make it work but in the end it was not the same I just could not get Nic out of my head.

Then in 1996 I was in Inland when I met and old collage mate, we had dinner and over dinner we talked

I asked about Bob and what he was doing and he said I get a Xmas card if him and Nic every year.

 

I can not remember what I did next I was stunted, shocked and could not talk.

That knight in the hotel I cried my hart out to my then GF we broke up shortly after.

 

Well In 1997 I move to the same City she had moved to and started a job in Film.

It was the job I had always wonted and now I was doing it.

I have also travailed v motorbike all over Europe.

I have travailed over land from the UK to China

And worked on some the biggest blockbusters FIlm and TV of the last 10 years.

 

I have done an MSc and now I’m working on my doctorate.

I have pushed and pushed myself as hard as I could so that one day if I ever met her again I could say

 

“Look see, I did some thing! I'm worth some thing! I did the things I said I would and much much more equel with you”

 

Then 3 weeks ago I find out what she’s been doing for that last 13 years.

She marred Bob and worked for 5 years as a textile designer before

having child a girl with him and now she’s a full time mum.

 

She lives In Bob home town and a small house not far from his mum and dads.

And close to hers and that’s it thats all No high flyer no grate carer.

 

Me I fell apart once more and it could have cost me my mirage if I had not such a

wonderful wife who talked to me about all of this and I mean all of it.

She knows I blamed my self for what went wrong all thaws years ago.

 

But a few days ago it hit me, her dreams where for much more she wonted to be a top designer and Book Illustrator.

But the place she worked at was well no big deal, She never left his city from the looks of her work

history and never got any better a drawing by the looks of her works on line.

So she’s resigned her self at 36 to be a mum and be happy in her life with Bob.

Who I can not even find on the web such is his mark on the world.

I know that if you put my name in Google you get me I did not put it there

I’m just on IMDB

 

So what’s the point of all this history and back slaping?

 

The point is this I could be Bob I could be that guy who dedicating his life to a woman who gave up on her dreams.

Bob had no ambition, no drive, all he very wonted was an easy life, and I know the most he ever worked was to get Nic.

So there he is an man who takes the safe road every time, and her for gods sake she marred the second guy she ever dated.

She could have done so much better.

 

Me I have a wife who moved 8500mile to be with me, who has shown me a whole new way of seeing

through another culters eyes I live in meny worlds, Bussness academic England and China.

She is from China and Specks 2 languages. She would walk throw

hell for me and that you do not throw away but most of all she has a good hart and soul.

 

Saying all that over the last 13 years I did not give up on my dreams and the pain of that brake up

drove me To work like a mad man and keep working year after year on getting what I wonted.

 

To get where I was headed I needed that pain, that hurt and now I’m there. Agrate wife

a grate home, a grate job and we hope soon garte kids who will also live in to worlds.

 

Now its time to take the pain away and time to let me face the 2ed half of my life a free man.

 

At 40 with a near death pointer from God to show me that it’s time to

clear out the past and move on with life.

 

I asked my self

Was she the most beautiful woman I ever loved No

The it the best sex no,

The most creative no

Was she the most intelligent no not by a long way.

The most graceful no

 

The most fun to be with no that’s my wife.

 

So what was this woman? She was just there when I was at a stage in my life to fall to deep for a good look girl

Who I thought we would reach the highs.

 

Deep down the problem was I felt deeply unworthy of her and felt I was never good enough.

 

And thats what drives me a deep feeling that Im just not good enough.

Its still there pushing me ever on woulds but It me saying it now not some one who gave up on there dreams.

 

I’m wish her all best is her ordinary life and hope I never meet her in mine.

Because I know this one thing for a kid that left school at 15 with no quotations

and Dyslexia to have done what I have done that my life is any thing but ordinary.

 

And so I hold my pain to me and love it for making me who I am and giving me the

strength to win throw when others fell away.

 

Thank you Nic and Bob for giving me that and now I will forget you for ever.

 

Today is a good day

[Arielle]

Thank you for giving us the update. You realize what a wonderful, caring wife you now have? That is true love and friendship, to have someone who knows everything about you and still loves and cares for you. Treat her good, and I hope you have a wonderful future together.

[itsallgrand]

What a beautiful story. I was enthralled. Beautiful, beautiful.

 

Enjoy your hard earned place in this world. YOU DID IT. I do have a soft spot for stories like this, and the fact that it is true and from your heart, touched me deeply.

 

Thank you for sharing it.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

congratulations on your happy ending. isn't it like all of a sudden you can put it to rest, now? sometimes knowing is better than not knowing. and your story reminds me of a country song (really), can't remember the name.

 

i can relate somewhat to your feelings here. i finally ran into an old mutual friend after 9 years of NC with 'A', and of course first thing i asked about was 'A', and the mutual friend said, 'A' had just got married yesterday. i thought it was too much of a coincidence. cried (a lot). and thought it was finally time to let go. kind of a relief.

[mmmending]

touching, moving, poignant, honest, vulnerable..

 

with fearlessness like yours, how could dyslexia ever, EVER.. be a barrier for you..

 

such a gift, thank you!!!

[notanymore]

The sory of the past 13 yrs of ur life in a small page.life s short , ain't it.to short to cry over something which could not happen.The one thing you have given me is hope that if one follows ones dreams they are bound to come true.i sure hope to find true love like you have found ur wife.I had dreamt of a future with my ex where we wuld have a life full of comfort and happiness.Maybe the dream still exists ,unfortunately for her, she s no longer a part of it.god bless you my friend, have a great life ahead.

[alteer]

So completely moving. I was touched by your story. Thankyou.....

[greekgoddess]

This is my story except I am the girl that left a guy. When you are young it is so easy to make mistakes. I may have made a mistake by leaving this guy but my life did turn out much better because of it. Atleast my quality of life improved but I still think about this man every day. If I thought for a second he felt the same way instead of him refusing any contact with me things could've turned out much better for the both of us. If he would've put some effort into talking to me instead of ignoring me...

 

One day I did an internet search on him and found 2 addresses that were in the same state I was living in. I couldn't eat for 2 days. That's when I realized I still had deep feelings for him. I later found out it was an error but it made me realize my true feelings and how I still cared. I am married and trying to make my marriage work. I've been living in denial. I tried to erase every memory of my ex but I realised the only way I could let go was to confront him so I searched on the internet and tried. I never found him but I found his friend who told me he married and moved far away and how they never talk anymore. It's the precise reason I left him because I didn't want him to move away from his friends and family who he is very close with.

That was a big blow to me.

I cannot find Spuglet on IMDB. What is your name? I am on IMDB too but probably not as successful as you and I don't want to reveal my name.

IDon't take this the wrong way but I think you are still in love with her. I believe you love your wife the way I love my husband but it is not the same. The love I feel for my husband and the love I feel for my ex are different. My ex was "the one."

I know exactly what you are saying because i was so career driven too and only after I got married and had children did I realise that career is not that important and that I shouldn't have left my ex because of it.

Who knows. Maybe they will divorce. I can't believe your own friend did that to you. he sounds like such a jerk. I believe in Karma and he'll get what's coming to him. Life has a funny way of working itself out.

You can't control your feelings no matter how hard you try. I will love this man for the rest of my life no matter what happens. No amount of money, success, security, nothing can replace the feeling of being with someone you truly love and truly loves you back.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Well Greekgoddess looks like you got Banned, dont know why but I dont give out my email or name and you know why.

 

if what you said was true then you know the pain and the joy.

 

let us know if you get unbanned

[Spugly Fuglet]

I just worked one more thing out about my old room mate, I think he was the one behind me getting kicked of the 1st year at art colage.

Last Night I was going over some odd things that happoned around that time and I sudenly worked out hes part in it from some thing his old GF siad at the time.

 

all far in love and war but if he did do what I think he did hes even lower than I 1st thught. I hes the one with my old GF now + baby

 

Who says lifes far,

[Spugly Fuglet]

Do you know what Im feeling a lot better about this after going drinking with a load of 20 to 25 year olds last night, had a long chat with some of them about life love etc I can see my self in the and how some of them may pan out, life changes us all seems im older and woser after all.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I am not the man I was, that I know now.