Don't know how to go on.

[Yowser_76]

I haven't been here in a while, I think I've been trying to take everything on board myself and convince myself that I'm ok. But I'm not.

 

The last eighteen months or so have been incredibly tough on me. My relationship of four years ended. I loved my ex deeply and even though I was hurt I was ok with it. The mistake I made was caring so much that I tried to be his friend. He couldnt handle it and became emotionally abusive. I can't tell you how many times I've heard things like "you're worthless", or "You're nothing but a hassle to me". But then he'd come back and apologise and tell me that I was the best person he knew and how much he cared. Even though he'd admit that the problem was with him, hearing those things continually eventually broke me down. I started to believe the things he said to me. I'm a strong person but all those horrible l things are in my heart now and I don't know how to overcome them. I truly feel worthless a lot of the time.

 

On top of that I've had huge family issues to deal with. My mum and sister both have serious gambling problems. I helped my mum get through hers and recover but unfortunately my sister won't admit she has a problem. She has a nineteen year old daughter and over the years she's done things like pawn off her possessions, steal money from her piggy bank...she even took out a credit card in her name. It all reached it's climax this last weekend when my sister was arrested for stealing $11,000 from her work. I got the news from my niece who was curled up in a ball sobbing hysterically on the floor. I've always been the strong one and now my family needs me but I don't know if I can do it anymore. How can I keep being strong?

 

I don't think I've ever felt so lost. I'll be fine for a while, even a couple of weeks, but then everything seems to crash down around me again and I end up just sitting here sobbing. I know there are a lot of people who care about me and that I should be grateful for the good things in my life but I just can't seem to get past this despair. I feel like I'm in this huge hole and I can't climb out of it. It's overwhelming me and I don't know what to do anymore. How do I feel good about myself and my life again when deep down I feel worthless and so completely alone? How do I keep going on like this?

 

Somebody please help me.

[Süsser Tod]

Well, fortunately going to jail because of stealing will, or should be, a wakeup call for your sister. And if it isn't, then make it as awfull as possible for her, while being somewhat in control. If you bail her out of this, or try to make it as easy as possible on her, you'll only reinforce the feeling that everythign is right, and that you'll be always there to help her.

She has to face reality at some point, now she is in a controled environment, so you shoudl use that chance.

 

As for being strong, take it on a day to day basis, try not to think on the long run. Just think of what has to be done today, focus on that, it is easier than dealing with the stuff that is yet to come.

[missbrittanyy]

holy that's really sad

first of all -- you're not worthless, so don't ever think that. no matter what any guy thinks he can get away with telling you. he's the one who doesnt have much worth, if that's how he goes about dealing with things, and treating people. you deserve something so much better than that. and dont doubt that ever.. nobody deserves to get called down like that for no reason, so dont even listen to him

 

that's good that you got your mom out of her gambling problem .. and as far as your sister.. hopefully beign arrested, and losing her job adn etc.. will show her what she's doing to her family.. especially her daughter..

 

i dont think this is somethin you need to go on living with.. move on.. don't make people a priority, if they're only making you an option.. i realize these are all people you love, but some times.. no all the time.. you need to come first.. maybe take your niece in (unless she lives alone).. and help her through this, cause i think she needs a lot of help im guessing, and maybe the two of you can get through everything together.

[Starfall]

Just remember you have no control over what other people do. You can't help everyone and hoefully jail will be a wake up call to your sister. You probably already feel a little better just getting this out. Your ex did and said horrible things to you. You don't "own" that. Be strong and believe in the person you are. Don't allow him to have control over your self-esteem. You are worth more. I'm sorry about your family, that's rough. I hope things get better for you.

[blender]

I know it may seem impossible for someone like you, who is a caretaker and a giver, but the healing starts with taking care of YOU first. Please know that your family is in fate's hands, nothing you do will change it. You have been there for them and now it's enough, they are making thier own choices, respect them, even if they are not what you think they should be doing, you are truly powerless over thier choices/illness.

 

Please know that all the things you ex said to you are projections about his own issues, you are worthy, special, smart, talented, kind and have an abundance of love to give, and you deserve the same in return.

 

Let go of this ex and his harmful words, they are HIS words, and they only have meaning if you choose to give them such. You are a great person and will do just fine in life, but start with taking care of you, even if it feels so selfish at first, because it is not selfish to make your life good for you, because then and only then are you truly of help to others.

 

Your family issues are beyond your control, trust that you do not have the magic dust to cure them.. they can only do this for themselves, and if they do not have the "opportunity" to hit the ground, because someone (you) are always there to catch them, well then they will never try to do the soul searching and self reflection involved to help themselves, they are in god's hands, not yours.. You take care of you first.

 

with understanding, blender

[Yowser_76]

Thank you for replying so quickly

 

You know, maybe this is wrong of me but I don't really feel sorry for my sister at all. She's had so many opportunities for help the last few years and she's rejected all of them. She's taken my whole family for granted and abused their trust so badly. I do worry about her mental state though - if she were to do something to herself I don't know how my mum, in particular would cope. The real problem I have here is my niece. She counts on me, comes to me for advice and strength. But at the moment I'm having a hard time looking after myself so I don't know what good I can be for her.

 

I am taking things one day at a time, and honestly some days I feel almost normal. But this has been going on for about six months and still I mostly feel lost. It seems like I've had to be strong for so long...I don't remember the last time I felt truly happy. My friends keep telling me to just think about me, and to do stuff for myself but to be honest I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I don't know where to begin.

[missbrittanyy]

you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink.. you can't help somebody who isnt ready or doesnt want to be helped.. i dont think it's wrong for you to not feel sorry for her, and i dont think it would be wrong to just say screw it.. but maybe when she's actually ready to change.. you dont need to be there to .. counsel her through it.. just let her know she has your support, you love her, and you want her to be better.

 

your niece realized that you're going through a lot as well, just try your best, because she'll know you are.. taking it one day at a time is usually the best way to go.. i believe you need to take some time for your self. maybe go on a nice vacation or something, and figure out YOUR LIFE. and stop tryin to fix every one elses. you deserve to be happy

[kellbell]

Hi Yoswer!

 

Love your Tigger picture...I love Tigger myself.

 

Ok, as far your sis goes...there is not much you can do. Worrying yourself to pieces is trying to control a situation you simply have no control over. And what is more difficult, you sister does not admit she has a problem. You cannot help a person whom does not want to be helped. She needs some tough love here. Maybe jail time will be a wake up call for her. I would strongly recommend you DO NOT bail her out.

 

Here is a link that describes a family member with a gambling problem.

 

link removed

 

I remember your posts from October 2005 and things have not changed with you and your ex. I am so sorry about your break-up. The best thing for you is NC.

 

I totally understand how you feel when it comes to your life spinning out of control, everything seems all messed up and nothing will get better. The issue lies that you are putting yourself last. You appear to be worrying for other people and trying to "fix" other people's issues. It is a miserable route to take. The solutions is focus on what you CAN control. Tackle one issue at a time. Do things for YOU! Put yourself and your emotional well-being first!!! Once you realize you are in control of how you react to things and not what others do, you will feel empowered.

 

One day at a time. Take care and don't be a stranger.

 

(((hugs)))

[Yowser_76]

Wow, by the time I replied to one post I had so many more. Thank you all so much for your thought and kind words. Even just getting this little bit off my chest has made me feel better.

 

I'm trying to focus on doing things for myself. I think what I really need is a new beginning. I've applied for a new job and if I don't get that then I'm considering travelling for a while. I've also being someone else very casually but all the issues I have from my ex are still so fresh. I'm afraid of being hurt and I don't want him to know how messed up I am. I guess I have such a low opinion of myself that I can't see the positive side of things right now.

 

My mum bailed my sister out again. Now we just have to wait for the court case to come along and see what happens. It is really hard for me because I know what I went through with my mums gambling. I 'd wake up to find that we had no power or water, or there were debt collectors calling the house. To see my niece going through all this and to not be able to do anything to protect her is heartbreaking for me. She's a good kid and doesn't deserve this.

 

As for my ex, the only comfort I have is that he's the only person I know who's more messed up than I am. While I've been trying to work through my issues and be happy with myself, he's rebounded spectacularly. He met a girl from Scotland, they've been seeing each other for about six months during which time she's dumped him twice and they've fought almost non stop. Despite this he's decided to move overseas with her...he's selling the house we shared, his car, everything. Even the few friends he still has don't understand what's going on with him. I do still care about him deeply, even to the point where I can forgive him for what he put me through. And I can't deny that if he ever needed my help then I would be here for him. But I must admit there's a big part of me hoping that the old saying "what goes around comes around" is true in this case.

 

I can now say that I truly feel for anybody who says they feel lost, or is going through any kind of heartache. I didn't know how overwhelming despair could be until now.

[missbrittanyy]

maybe just talk to your neice one on one, and reasure her. let her know you went through this as a child, and you know what it's like.. and you're there no matter what, maybe even set her up with some kind of a counselor, that specialises in gamblers, and people effected by them

[Yowser_76]

Well here I am again. I don't know what came over me the other night...I'd been out with a friend and when I got home it was like this huge wave of emotion just hit me. I sat here sobbing and finally came back here looking for help. You guys helped me make it through the night and I thank you for that.

 

I don't understand why I've felt the way I have lately. There's no reason for it. The problems in my life aren't as bad as what some people go through. I have a lot of things I should feel grateful for. I should be moving on, but most of the time I'm full of despair and feel completely helpless. I don't understand why I'm still so lost or why I can't let go of my ex and the things he did to me.

 

I also wanted to ask is if anyone here has ever been treated for depression? I've been thinking about a bit lately, trying to understand why I feel the way I do. I searched on the net for info and even took a few of those online depression tests. The results of every single one of them came back saying I showed the symptoms of severe depression and should see a doctor. I'm a bit scared though, I don't know what it involves and I don't want to be put on a heap of medication or anything. Does anyone know anything about this and if you do, do you think it might help me?

[blender]

I do have a few friends who are being treated for depression, and they say the meds help. But I would try all other options first before I'd take any medication. Is there a therapist you can talk to..do plenty of looking and asking around to see if there is a place you can go to talk, or listen, like gambling anonymous, or Al-anon meetings are so helpful, I use to sit in the back of the meetings and listen to everyone talk about how they choose to deal with family members who have any addictions, the meetings are free, and you can find one in your area on the internet, the books they have are so helpful as well, you will find many others in your same situation who have learned how to handle it all, and be happy too.

 

I do know that excersize plays a huge part in overcoming depression.

 

I think it's a very good sign that you cried like you did the other night, tears are very healing to the mind and actually the physical body as well. You are overwhelmed with all that is going on in your life, do you talk to a therapist?

 

You are obviously a generous, care giving person and sometimes when we extend this part of ourselves so much it can lead to "depression, resentment" and it seems like a boulder is on our hearts and shoulders.

 

I too have a big family with all the issues that come along with it, and for years I thought I HAD to be there for each and everyone of them. I ended up helping them, sure, but in the long run I was simply postponing their own "life lessons" by getting in the way of them "hitting thier own low", so much so that I was constanting helping them get up and I was hitting MY own emotional lows instead.

 

Well, I finally got a therapist and yes I pray..a lot.. I realized I am truly powerless over someone else's choices, and that I can only begin by taking care of me, and get to a place where I am "okay" with my own life..and then and only then can I be there for anyone else, like the one's who may really need us, like your niece, she is the victim here.

 

Your Mom and your sister, and your ex are adults who have made thier own choices and the choices/actions/reactions have NOTHING to do with you.

 

Trust that all things that are bothering you are in the hands of fate/a higher power/ god, whatever you believe in, it's all really beyond your control. You only have power over you own choices for TODAY, this MOMENT, and you can just do the best you can for TODAY, no worries about the future, it's an adventure you are getting well prepared to "deal with, soar through and enjoy" because of all you are going through right now, you are being prepared so that when the right guy comes along, you are in a healthy, non-co-dependent, joyful part of your inner personality...

 

The fact that you are looking into changing your reaction to your family issues, and breaking your "not so healthy patterns" in life, by enabling them etc... this is fantastic, some "givers" go a lifetime before realizing this, and they are left with resentment and you are NOT going to do this, you are already taking the right steps for a brighter future, and if you have a brighter future, the domino effect will be truly helpful to your whole family in the long run.

 

You can put them in the hands of fate/god/higher power and Let go and let god...

 

You are doing so well, because you are "choosing" to honeslty look within to see what you can do differently..and this is healing.. it really is... it's all about progress not perfection..

 

Keep posting here, go out for a walk, do something for yourself today, and I hope there is someone you can talk this all out with... you deserve to be happy and happiness is a choice.. You have the opportunity here to be an honest example for your niece, take it seriously and let her know that both of you are powerless over the choices of the unhealthy people in your life, and can "choose" to take of yourselves first, this is not selfish, it's what will truly help others. You're a good person who will triumph.

 

We're all here for you.. best, Blender