why do I always miss her??

[stevesteve]

I have broken up with my girlfriend of about 1.5 years about 3 days ago. Let's just say It's not the first time! But every time I do it, I always get back with her. It is always me who does the dumping, and It is always me who does the grovelling to get back with her. When we are together I can't stand her, i feel like I want to punch her in the face most of the time (although I don't!) but every time we split up, after 2 or 3 days, i can't stop myself crying when i think of her, and I feel like I desperately want her back, knowing full well it will end the same way. last time we broke up and got back together after 6 days, she had found someone else but broke up with him to get back with me. I feel like a loser, and a selfish jerk for keep doing it to her. I've got to get over her. She says she wants to be friends, will this help?? i don't know..........

i wrote a poem for her, that she will never read:

 

While we were 'us',

we'd always fight,

I couldnt stand you then.

But its 'her and him'

and I've lost sight

of why we had to end.

When we were one

it seemed as if

I could punch you in the face,

but now it seems

I want you back

as tears run down my face.

But I'm too late,

you won't have me back,

not after so many tries.

And as I sit

alone at night

my lonely heart does cry.

"It's for the best"

they say to me

but what do they all know.

'cause now I'm left

in misery

with nothing left to show.

So, I want you back?

it would be the same,

within a week we'd fight.

And I know the track,

I'd pass the blame,

and it would end in spite.

You wont have me back,

so it matters not,

and all this has no point.

Now my souls pitch black

and you looking hot

and I just dissappoint.

It's all my fault

we've been here before,

last time was my last chance.

your life won't halt,

You're mine no more

you'll find some more romance.

 

I think that says it pretty well. I need to get over her. help!

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

What is it that always keeps you going back? Even though you know its just going to end up the same way?

 

I just wanted to know because I'm in kind of the same position as her.

 

 

LostAngel

[stevesteve]

hey. Well, I just get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and missing her. I feel as if my heart is burning, I cannot explain, maybe it is love, although I guess i don't know what that is! How can you love someone even though you hate their guts?! Maybe I just miss the company, I'm between jobs at the minute and am sitting around at home doing nothing, thats probably making it worse. This site made me feel better, reading all of the help posts, about what it is that a relationship is for. I've just spoken to her on the phone she seems happy. Which is good for her, but makes me feel worse! Maybe the worst is over. I doubt it though. I've never lasted more than 6 days before, 3 days in, its not lookin great! I have no idea what I'll do if i try and get her back and she refuses. Ask your boyfriend if he is happy with your relationship, ask him if he feels suffocated, or controlled, or if he needs a break. That is how i felt. if he says he feels that way, you need to sort that out. If he says he isnt, he might be lying. I would never tell her I was unhappy, but thats jut me, im very closed with my feelings. maybe things will look up, i dont want to hurt her more.

[LostAngel]

Hey Stevesteve

 

I know how she is feeling even though my situation is slightly different. But you say she found someone else and then broke up with them to be with you.

 

How did you feel when you new she was with someone new, because you had broken up with her? Were you angry at her?

 

You see my ex broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago and just this past weekend I met someone and had a "rebound" kiss with them. It just happened and meant nothing, mainly 'cause I was really typsy when it happened & feeling hurt. I told my ex about it and now he doesn't even want to speak to me and is almost using it against me as a reason that validates him breaking up with me.

 

He has hurt me alot and done much worse but has made me feel so bad & guilty for what happened but yet he broke up with me in the first place & hurt me.

 

So I just want to know how you felt when she was with someone else even though you 'caused that to happen in the first place.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[malcontent]

Steve,

 

My ex and I had similar dynamics in our relationship: she was clingy and needy from the onset and it made me feel smothered and overrun. I always wanted less, and she always wanted more.

 

It wasn't so much that I despised her, but I did harbor a lot of resentment towards her. There were times - or, there was a time, to be more accurate - when we were really getting along well and the relationship seemed great. Then we hit the skids over moving in together (I wanted to dip my toe in and try it a few days a week to see how things went, she insisted I sign a 12 month lease with her, her then three year old son, her dogs, and a cat). Having never lived with a g/f before, this seemed like a lot of pressure.

 

Instead of respecting my fears and trying to work with me, she said "I need to be with someone who wants to be with me". It was a completely covert threat to leave me for someone else if I didn't comply with her demands. We never recovered to where we were before that, because I never again felt comfortable trusting her.

 

I think that also had a lot to do with the clingly/needy behavior on her part; the more I pulled away, the more she crowded my space. She was also a tenth-degree black belt in the arts of guilt and manipulation, which she used regularly, in addition to the dreaded on-demand pathetic crying technique.

 

I digress. What I'm getting at is that my problems with her weren't so much that I didn't like her as a person or care about her romantically; it was that I never felt she reciprocated. Sure, she doted on me, but I always felt like there was more of a selfish as opposed to selfless motivation behind her actions.

 

Does any of this sound anything like your relationship? I'm basically just trying to say that there could be things that have happened between the two of you that were never addressed, never resolved, or maybe even never identified. Subconsciously you could be angry at her for perceived slights that she might not even know about.

 

How well do you communicate with one another?

 

Oh, and my ex always had another guy ready to go any time we started hitting rough patches. She's codependent and maybe even addicted to love or whateve - she's never not had a boyfriend (or husband) since she was 14 years old.

[ScaredFawn]

Hey...

I think you might confuse comfort with love?

Of course after 2-3 days, it will hit you that, holy * * * *, my life is not what it used to be! It is a very scared feeling of insecurity. And for sure, your instinc will tell you to get back with her... But I think if you feel like punching her in the face when youre with her, then please do you both a favor and cut all ties. Don't be friends with her either, you know youll just end up back together again.

[HardShowingAffection]

I recently went through a split with my gf, and it was tough. I know the feeling of loneliness, and I often looked at our relationship, and what I thought would need to be done before I would be able to 'fix' it and make everything better.

 

Being a guy, and having that mindset, I had offered 'solutions' to what I thought our problems were. We would get back together, things would be great, and then we would eventually fall into the same ruts. This last time was it for her, and I supported her.

 

The only way that I feel that we can truly heal our relationship is to really examine ourselves and find out what brought us to this point. Instead of pushing blame, excuses, etc. I needed to look at my actions. Why was there anger, tension, anything within myself that would reflect in our time together? Especially when I love the girl so much, why do we hurt one another?

 

I have been doing a ton of reading and research, and let me tell you, i thas made such a huge difference in my life! I started by reading "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks. Amazing book. Then I read the book "Getting to Yes : Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In" by Roger Fisher. It helped me understand how to listen better and understand needs/wants instead of always trying to offer solutions. Now, I am on "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw, and I don't want to put the book down! Basically, I am saying that have a look at yourself and the things that you do that lead your relationship down the road it seems to repeatedly head down. You control your destiny. Take control of it. Maybe you are meant for each other, maybe not, but don't get caught in a viscous cycle that pits you two further and further apart.....

 

Hope this helps.

[stevesteve]

hey guys. Thanks for the ideas. yes there could have been things that i resented her for, maybe in the back of my mind the guy she got with last time and how she could do that, or silly little things like me always having to visit her. I agree fawn, I think it's best for the both of us to not talk or see each other, at least until I know I only want to be her friend, and then I will see how she feels on the matter. Unfortunately, I have broken that already, she rang me to ask for a lift, because her mother was not well, and I couldn't say no, i am too kind, or maybe I was worried she would find some other guy to take her, but thats not my business anymore. I noticed that on the way she kept sending messages on her fone. it made me jealous and I know I shouldn't, I dont want to, but I an't help it. I never used to be jealous when we were together!!!

I think I'm getting a control over myself and realizing it is whats best for both of us. thanks for the advice everyone

[sweetsmile70]

I had a similar relationship. My ex hurt me by making me insecure about myself, so we fought alot and I went behind his back by talking to his friends and other guys. He found out and broke up with me every time just to get back again after a few days or a week. It went on like that for years and it got worse and worse. In the beginning he was the one who wanted to get married and all that but then I started to push him and wanted commitment. The more I pressured him the less he wanted it, so I told him that if he cant give me what I want then I will go looking for it and i did. Every time he broke up with me I felt so hurt and wanted to meet someone else directly, which I always did. He found out and got more and more frustrated but just couldnt leave me for good and I couldnt meet someone that I really loved more than him so it went on like that for longer than we both wanted. We both became very unhappy and depressed. We both went to therapists and we both had to take pills against depression. So finally he made up his mind and broke up for the last time. I wasnt sure that he would actually make it this time, since he had broken up with me so many times before, but I kind of noticed a difference. He wasnt as upset as the last time and he really wanted it to be over for good this time. He told me that this was the last time and I believed him. I called him once but noticed that he was very upset and bothered by my phonecall. He really wanted to be left alone, so I stopped contacting him and since then he doesnt even say hello when he meets me out or on the street. We attend the same activity so we meet there quite often but he still ignores me like I dont exist even after more than 6 months. I just cant understand this. HE broke up with me and he probably moved on long ago, but still doesnt even want to say hi to a woman that he really loved and lived togehter with for many years. It feels so sad. I have a new bf now, just a rebound but to be honest I cant stop thinking of my ex when I see him. We had those special feelings for eachother, but our relationship was unhealthy. Thats so sad. I would like to talk to him about what went wrong and why we did the things we did, but he doesnt want to see me or hear about me or hear my voice. He just wants to forget about my existence and our relationship, which makes me really really sad.