What do you think?

[Kevin T]

Let me ask you something; I'd like your opinions on something. Why is it that I am often getting attention from girls that I am completely unattracted to? In other words, these girls are frequently vying for my attention, flirting with me, hitting on me, etc. Why do you suppose this is? I'm asking because I really don't know.

[tylercdurden2004]

People are more attracted to what they cant have! Act like you want them, act clingy and watch 'em run.

[sophie274]

Maybe you're nervous around girls you like, but completely relaxed and fun around those you don't like, because you're not trying to impress them?

[Luke Skywalker]

I feel exactly the same way. Usually girls who may like me, I have no feelings for, or to the same extent they do. Those that I do like, do not like me to the same extent, or have 'breadcrumb' interest. So, it sort of like two sets always cancel out somehow. Frustrating, isn't it? I know exactly what you are talking about and can say that yes, you are not alone.

[Kevin T]

Of course they can't have me. Even I have standards.

 

I have heard (in social psychology - which is iffy BTW) that people tend to be attracted to others of the same "level" of attractiveness. But I don't know about that... I've seen many, MANY exceptions to that rule... and moreover, if that IS true... then that really doesn't say much about me at all.

 

Basically, it says I'm an UGMO. Which is not good.

[tylercdurden2004]

Of course they can't have me. Even I have standards.

 

I have heard (in social psychology - which is iffy BTW) that people tend to be attracted to others of the same "level" of attractiveness. But I don't know about that... I've seen many, MANY exceptions to that rule... and moreover, if that IS true... then that really doesn't say much about me at all.

 

Basically, it says I'm an UGMO. Which is not good.

 

Why do you say social psychology is iffy?

[Kevin T]

Because a lot of it contradicts itself. My example is one of such contradictions.

[tylercdurden2004]

Because a lot of it contradicts itself. My example is one of such contradictions.

You mean competeing theories.

[Kevin T]

Which are taught in the discipline (if it constitutes one) yes.

 

And we're getting SERIOUSLY off-topic, which I do not want.

[BlueWolf]

I'm the exact same way. I know for a fact one girl that likes me that I have no feelings whatsoever for. It's happened before. Sometimes I stop and just think a little about it. It is a trend that keeps going, and since I like to focus on logic and what's plain and obvious, it isn't a good thing.

But oh well, what can you do?

Times will change and eventually things will be the way you want them to be.

[BlueWolf]

I have heard (in social psychology - which is iffy BTW) that people tend to be attracted to others of the same "level" of attractiveness. But I don't know about that... I've seen many, MANY exceptions to that rule... and moreover, if that IS true... then that really doesn't say much about me at all.

 

If that was true, that would mean that I'm as hot as the hottest girl in school.

And I consider myself average most of the time. I really, really don't believe in this at all. I don't know, it may be true for girls but it is definitely not for guys.

 

Sometimes I get tired of all these little "rules" to this sort of stuff. When it's mean to happen it will happen (can you tell I lost hope for this in the short term? Yep, but I don't give a care currently, I'm just being myself and that's all I can be).

[Kevin T]

It also says that people pursue (and inevitably date) those whom are of about equal attractiveness. According to this, unattractive people do not pursue attractive people since they know they have no chance with the said attractive person. There could be some truth to this (maybe?).

 

Now, I don't want to believe that. But if it is true, then that means the reason why these women are always going after me is because they feel that I'm "at their level" and they can get me. Now, I certainly don't mean to sound rude or anything (although I most probably will), but these girls are not at all my type and are quite unattractive in my eyes. Although I have dated some attractive girls in the past, many of the ones I am referring to in this topic are far below average. I'm not talking about cute, average, slightly-below-average or even considerably below average (I happen to find "average" looking girls quite fetching actually); I'm referring to... well, not so attractive girls. (I don't want to be rude here.)

 

So I have to step back and say, "Wait a minute, is there something to this after all?" I don't get it.

[Dating Coach]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are some girls that I think are GORGEOUS and my friends think they are okay, and vice versa. I think your problem is obvious. YOU perceive a problem, believe it, and make it the truth for you.

[Kevin T]

Grrr... you preach what I preach. I can't argue with my own logic, you know.

 

One question then: If I am indeed creating the problem myself (which is probable, I suppose), then how do I remedy it? No, I know that thinking positively, which causes my beliefs to change will ultimately change my actions, but I need some advice on how exactly to impliment this.

 

For example, let's say I'm doing fine one day, then notice all these happy couples around me, yet I'm alone. What do I do to stop myself from feeling bad about myself at that time? Or what do I do when I'm in the midst of, say, 50 attractive girls, yet not one of them pays me the time of day?

 

If I were not getting looked over by the pretty ones and constantly bombarded by the... ahem, not-so-pretty ones (I'm trying to be nice here), then I don't think I'd be feeling so down at times. So, what do I do in those situations to change everything?

 

Thoughts? Recommendations? Pills? lol

[Siriana]

That happens to me constantly - I see I guy and I think he's sooo attractive and interesting from the very first moment I meet him, and he doesn't think of me the same.

Than someone else finds me sooo attractive and good looking and I think - I really don't like him!

But I realised where is the problem in my case: When you first meet me you get completely different idea of who I am.. I tend to be cautious and I show a certain part of myself, but not the most important one who tells who I am actually. So, those guys I am interested in, need some time to figure out that we are similar, and those guys who were attracted at me immediately get dissappointed when they found out that I'm not all the things that they believed I am based on the way I'm dressed, the way I act when having fun....

So, my conclusion is that you can't meet the right person if you don't get a chance to be yourself around her - and that means maybe meeting that person in your social circle of friends, having some time to get to know each other better. Let's face it - we are not the same persons with the persons we know, and with strangers we are attracted to. There could be some huge misunderstandings!

I think that I look cute, but the guys I am interested in start to be interested in me only when they get a chance to spend some more time with me. And those who were interested at first glance run away the fast they can or try to realise why I'm not the person they tought I might be.

That is soooo stupid and I really hate it! The fact that I look good hasn't help me to be happier in my relationships....maybe you can get some ego bust but that's all.

[orangecounty]

I find that I tend to be more comfortable around someone I don't see as a potential mate. I should be able to act in the same way around someone I am interested in but it doesn't seem to work that way. So these guys I'm not interested in, seem interested because I'm being outgoing and friendly without desire to be something other than friends. Could that be the reason you're attracting girls you're not attracted to?

[walkingwithaghost]

maybe there are just more ugly girls in the world so it is more likely an ugly girl will talk to you. also pretty girls do not have to pursue people in the same manner as ugly girls. pretty girls get pursued. ugly girls do the pursuing.

 

if anyone is hitting on you you should take it as a good sign, dont get greedy hehe.

[walkingwithaghost]

also theyre right that you probably act like an idiot around girls you think are cute and are more yourself around people you have interest in whatsoever (the story of my life, only with the anatomy reversed, hehe)

[Kevin T]

Idiot, hardly. Quiet, shy and sweet... oh yeah, but idiot? Hardly. And who devised this unspoken rule that the attractive girl must be pursued? Isn't that egoism? I'll admit I may be vying for the same thing myself, but I'm a guy, so it's a little different. As for being greedy, yeah; I'll admit it: I expect a lot. I've got high standards for looks AND personality, I want someone great! Is that wrong? I don't think it is.

 

Moreover, I'm talking about the first few moments of meeting someone (they cannot possibly be judging my actions, as there are virtually no actions to judge by), rather we are going by appearances. Within the first few seconds of meeting another person, we form an impression of that person - whether or not we are aware of it, is inconsequential. So I doubt if it is based on the way I "act" when I haven't acted in any such way yet. Nevertheless, it's a good theory and I'll keep it in mind, everyone.

 

Now, I've come up with a few obsverations based on my experiences:

 

1. FACT: Pretty/hot girls do not like the sweet, shy, sensitive guy. Not sure what they DO want, but it's not my type, this much I have observed. (Problem is, I like who I am and don't want to change just for another person.)

 

2. FACT: Ugly girls will take whomever they can get because they have no choice. (I apologize in advance if this offends anyone; not my intent... you guys should know I'm a pretty nice guy, so I mean no harm.) This is just something I have observed.

 

3. FACT: I do definitely get intimidated by good looking women. Of course I do; I'm a human. I'm sure even most girls can attest to seeing a guy so hot that were he to talk to them, they'd practically swoon right on the spot! (The problem is, what the heck do I do to counteract this?) I know that they're equal to me (in worth) but there are different types of people in this world. Saying that good looking people are absolutely no different from anyone else is false. There are differences and it will determine how others interact with them. The same goes for intelligent people, high/low status people, etc. Sadly, this is the world we live in.

 

4. FACT: When no one bothers with me, then obviously I am to take this to mean that I'm "out of their league"; which is a tough pill for me to swallow.

 

5. FACT: Diggity has yet to reply to my last post. I'd really like to hear his advice on how exactly to fix this problem.

[tylercdurden2004]

Moreover, I'm talking about the first few moments of meeting someone (they cannot possibly be judging my actions, as there are virtually no actions to judge by), rather we are going by appearances. Within the first few seconds of meeting another person, we form an impression of that person - whether or not we are aware of it, is inconsequential. So I doubt if it is based on the way I "act" when I haven't acted in any such way yet. Nevertheless, it's a good theory and I'll keep it in mind, everyone.

 

Arent you studying psych? I gonna call BS on this one. Yes people do judge your initial "actions" based on previous stereotypes they have developed from past experiences. Right or wrong these stereotypes form the "first impression". Think walking down a dark alley and seeing the outline ofd a large figure wearing a baseball cap on backwards.

 

Your initial reaction most likely will be to hyper-vigilant because you envision a young punk who might try to mug you, and every reaction after that is coloured by this intial "feeling". Your steroetype is there to "protect" you. To help you understand a situation have incomplete information for.

 

Girls do the same thing. In fact we all do. Thats why we have the saying about first impressions being so important. I see that you are a bit "blind" to your behaviours, especially the ones that make you unattractive to the females you want. Its how you carry yourself. This is why understanding your behaviours and how they effect other is so important. Its why its important to learn to change your behaviours, not yourself or your personality, but your behaviours, no matter how small or insignificant you may see them.

[Kevin T]

I am. Didn't I tell you some of social psyc is a joke? lol Heck, I take everything I learn with a grain of salt. I trust my intuition over anything I learn in class from now on.

 

Change my behaviours, huh? Yeah, that could work. Trouble is, I'm very emotional, so if I perceive that no one likes me, then I act that way and have a very hard time carrying myself with confidence. (Although there are other times when I can walk with my head held up high, knowing that I deserve nothing but the best in every area of life.) It all depends on how I feel at that moment, unfortunately.

 

Nevertheless, it wouldn't be incorrect to assume that an attractive woman does not want anything to do with a goblin, right? I'm just saying.

[tylercdurden2004]

I am. Didn't I tell you some of social psyc is a joke? lol Heck, I take everything I learn with a grain of salt. I trust my intuition over anything I learn in class from now on.

 

Change my behaviours, huh? Yeah, that could work. Trouble is, I'm very emotional, so if I perceive that no one likes me, then I act that way and have a very hard time carrying myself with confidence. (Although there are other times when I can walk with my head held up high, knowing that I deserve nothing but the best in every area of life.) It all depends on how I feel at that moment, unfortunately.

 

Nevertheless, it wouldn't be incorrect to assume that an attractive woman does not want anything to do with a goblin, right? I'm just saying.

 

Sure some social psych is a joke some is not. But as you said you are a very emotional guy and want to trust your intuition. Could be your intuition is over ridden by being too emotional? rationality is the other side of the equation, its all about finding the balance point. Becoming a confident yet kind gentleman.

[Kevin T]

We had this discussion the other day. lol I agree with some of it; cognitive disonnance, fundamental attribution error, etc. (things like that), just not everything it says. After all, all studies are flawed and they cannot be generalized to each and every individual.

 

Anyway, you're probably right. Being that I am so emotional, I often tend to override my rationale or intuition (occasionally) by being too darn emotional. I don't express my emotions much, but I sure as heck feel them deeply. Too deeply, at times, I think.

 

Is there anything I could about this? I ask because this is causing me problem after problem: I perceive things one way, then start FEELING bad, then before I knew it, I'm acting on my feelings (which is generally a bad thing).

[Miss M]

If I were not getting looked over by the pretty ones and constantly bombarded by the... ahem, not-so-pretty ones (I'm trying to be nice here), then I don't think I'd be feeling so down at times. So, what do I do in those situations to change everything?

 

Thoughts? Recommendations? Pills? lol

Hey Kevin, when I was 20-ish, I used to get bombarded daily with attention from guys. (It didn't help that I was also in the military.) And I don't know how other girls felt/feel about it, but whenever a guy didn't act like the others, when he didn't show an interest in me, I was often VERY relieved. Interestingly, I often also would ignore him, wouldn't give him my attention, because I was just sooo grateful to finally have a period of peace and quiet, a reprieve, like a break from the mating/dating game. It wasn't that he wasn't worthy of interest and attention. It was just really nice to be in the world for a moment and not feel like it was about pursuit of a relationship, sex, a meat market. Now I'm thinking I probably seemed aloof when I actually wasn't, but I had no clue of that at the time. That's just one perspective that hasn't usually been mentioned, but just keep in mind that attractive girls often have a different perspective on how they are perceived than what you might think. And it would probably be an error to draw conclusions about them, or to project your assumptions onto them. Talking to them would be better than making assumptions about what they feel about you.

 

But really the bottom line... how the girls behave (no matter how they look) probably has less to do with you, and more to do with how they feel about themselves, or it's about something that's going on with them.

 

And really, keep in mind that some of the butt-ugliest people on the planet are some of the most aggressive, and some of them pursue the most attractive people. In other words, however ugly/attractive the pursuer is still not a reflection of you.

[Miss M]

Nevertheless, it wouldn't be incorrect to assume that an attractive woman does not want anything to do with a goblin, right?

You can't make that assumption either. Don't try decide for her, and also don't reject yourself on her behalf. She might be using a completely different set of criteria for her selection than you are. Some girls are into pretty boys, and some are into "goblins," and it often doesn't have anything to do with how she looks.

 

Does a woman look in the mirror before she leaves the house to assess her level of attractiveness, and then seeks her equal? Well, I guess there are probably some who do that, but I personally haven't known any. Women are often looking at how the guy makes her feel, and a guy who is worried that he's not worthy of her can actually make a woman feel lonely... neglected... bored.