Dating someone with problems

[abbett]

I started dating a girl 3 months ago. We met online and our relationship developed quickly - because of the usual.......phone calls, emails, ims, text messages, and now we see each other every weekend. We live 120 miles apart so weekends are the only times we can be together.

 

After several weeks, I learned that she had a rough childhood and from my perspective, she has had a hard time coping with her childhood pains and from current emotional struggles she has in her life.

 

Anyway, last Monday, we were disagreeing most of the day. It was not a breakup situation to me, but for her, it seemed like it was. Anyway, by that night, she was overwhelmed by thoughts from her past........painful thoughts that came up with our struggles of the day. She had never attempted suicide before (altho she was open with me that she thought about it often), but she took a bottle of pills that almost killed her and the doctors say should have killed her.

 

I was in the ER with her - I drove down to there she lives to go with her. I was there alone with her all day. Her mother did not come or her family friend she lives with.

 

She was moved to ICU that afternoon and stayed there til the next day when she was moved to the Psych Unit for several days.

 

Now, she is out, but feels very low still. Even more low, I'd say.

 

I want to stay with her, but at the same time I sort of feel trapped. I love her and hope she can get better. She is finally started with long-term therapy today and she is on Wellbutrin right now - they put her on it in the hospital.

 

I just need some support or something.

 

I know some of you will say I need to turn my back and run.......what else can anyone say to me that might be a little more helpful?

 

Thanks

[Sylph]

I hope no one will suggest doing a runner.

 

Basically I think you should do what's best for you, while taking into consideration her feeling and emotional state. I gather that you still want to be there for her and help her with what she's going through but this doens't mean you have to be in a relationship with her. If you feel trapped then maybe you should break up with her but under the understanding that you want to help her through this, express your feelings of emtrapment to her. You can't be expected to sacrifise yourself entirely for her, that just isn't fair on you.

 

Perhaps she'll understand and perhaps she won't, it's not your fault if she can't. I suggest that whether you do stay with her or not you should just try to be there for her, it's clear that she needs someone.

[renaissancewoman101]

I wouldnt say that you need to turn your back on her and run. That would not be a good thing and it would validate her feelings of feeling unwanted, unloved, etc. But then you have to think about your own life and your own feelings and what you are capable of at this point in time. She is going through a very tough, emotional period in her life right now and it is going to be a long time before she gets better or is in a better place. Do you think, emotionally and on a relationship or even a friendship level, can you be there for her? I know you havent been in a dating relationship for a long time and things seemed to have progressed rather quickly. But, you have to look inside your heart and examine your feelings for her. It seems as though you may have been overwhelmed by how quickly the pace of the relationship went, am I right?

 

How do you feel about her? Can you see being with her as a SO for the long term? Or do you want to be there for her as a friend for the time being? If you did care about her, it would do her a world of good to have someone be a support person for her in her time of need considering her family and friends havent stepped up to the plate. Do you think you can do it, or even want to do it? If not, you are going to have to talk to her friends or family to make sure she isnt left all alone. I take it you do care for her in some sort of way, otherwise you wouldnt be on here asking for help and advice.

 

Good luck.

[Dako]

I really think life hands you gifts, and also assignments. Someday someone will help you out.

[Iceman26]

I gather that you still want to be there for her and help her with what she's going through but this doens't mean you have to be in a relationship with her. .

 

I agree. While I wouldn't invest anything into her as far as a relationship goes, I think that you could still be a friend to her and help her through this.

[abbett]

thank you for your responses so far. i agree so much with this last post. i think life does hand you gifts and assignments and i think i am where i need to be right now. i am strong. i am really strong. i realize there is only so much ANYONE can handle. and i have had the occasional breakdown.......with tears and fear and just feeling overwhelmed.

 

i, in no way, want to save this girl. i, in no way, want to "change" her. my only purpose, at this point, is to support her. i feel i am all she has.

 

as i said, i came down to see her from 120 miles away the morning after she took the pills and even though she has family and friends there, i was the only one who went to the ER with her and sat with her all day and i was the only one there that whole entire day! even after she was moved to ICU. and i remember thinking that if i had not come, she would have been alone all day.

 

no one deserves that.

 

anyway......i'm trying to handle it all in stride and be safe and healthy. i am fortunate that i do have a good support system. however, i have kept all of this from my parents because when i told them a little about her early on, they were fearful for my emotional well-being and seemed upset with me, so i have chosen not to involve them - but i don't have their support either.

 

my therapist - well, i stopped going to her because she was telling me to leave the situation and wasn't being supportive of where i was and where i felt i needed to be at this time.

 

i do love this girl. she is a beautiful girl in her soul. she has historic pain.......but i've always felt that with therapy she would respond well. well, now she is finally getting it for herself........she's intelligent, sensitive, tender. she's really a much nicer person than i am. and i do not want to ditch her. even if i didn't love her as i do, i would have a hard time doing that. and, as the last poster said, i might need someone one day in a similar way.

 

i feel she's a human being........she's a person........so do most of you tend to agree that as long as i keep my support systems and as long as i step out of it from time to time in my downtime to replenish myself that i am doing the right thing?

 

as one poster said, if i was to leave.......it would only reaffirm what she thinks - that people leave, no one cares, and that she failed yet again.

 

thank you everyone........i appreciate what you have said so far. i am eager to hear more, though, if anyone else has anything to add. i appreciate you guys.

[PeteinOz]

hhmmmmyou must give yourself the option to not continue, so you DONT feel trapped here. If you know what I mean.You have choices and knowing that does help. What is expected of you here from people, is nothing, do you want to give to someone in need? dont fall into unhealthy ways of BEING there..............to support someone and have understanding is a gift you could give. Keep other boxes in your life going and stay true to YOUR feelings and worth......................Pete

[PocoDiablo]

You might want to suggest that SHE seek professional assistance. You can be a friend, but a therapist can help her a lot more than you can. Your job may just well be to help her find help.

[abbett]

she was in the psych unit after trying to kill herself. she was there for a few days. she was released on sat night. she was ok sat night. kinda blah. yesterday she was just glad i was able to be with her, but as soon as i had to go, she got very depressed and starting wanting to die again.

 

i encouraged her to go back to school today to get back into a routine, but she could not go, could not make herself go. she was a mess.

 

she had an appt at the mental health center to get low cost care. they met with her and told her she'd need a medical clearance first even though she could get documenation from her hospital dr - they want her to get a mini physical from another dr she'd have to pay for (she has no funds). and even tho she has no job, they want to charge her $8 a session. additionally, they didnt' even schedule her to come back for 2 weeks - even tho she is depressed and somewhat suicidal.

 

her mother will not house her - not because she is bad but because her mom is messed up. remember i said her mom did not even come to the hospital when she was admitted after her suicide attempt and was in the er and icu! it was just me!

 

she's been staying with a family friend but feels she no longer wants her there so now she is thinking of moving into a shelter. what would that mean to her, to us, to everything?

 

she has no car. she lost her car in january.

she has no job.

she has no real home.

she has no education, altho she had started a job training program, that she might have forfeited by now from missing so much last week with her hospital stay.

 

and then, here is me - who doesn't know how to help and how to keep my own sanity.

 

i'm all she has to emotionally support her - but it's too much for just me to handle alone.

 

and now i feel like she is wanting to move to a shelter in my town - and then i'd be forced to be more involved. and i can't.

[canonman]

I think it's admirable you want to be there for her. But, be careful not to let your own peace of mind suffer too much. You are not her husband. You don't have to go to every conceivable effort to help her, and you shouldn't. Ask yourself if you are behaving in a codependent manner, you may be, and if so, you should back off some and let her help herself. It may take leaving if your own health is in jeopardy, and leaving doesn't mean you don't care.

[abbett]

i have some current threads about our latest struggles, but i am looking over these earlier posts from a couple of months ago.

 

this is exactly what i have been doing........stepping back and giving her the chance to control her own life. she threw her life in my lap to control so she wouldn't have to. but it's not a responsibility i want anymore. it's been too too hard on me, too too stressful, and just too too much.

 

i think we were both being codependent and that's something i've struggled with my last few relationships - taking care of my sig other. it seems so loving.......but it's really so toxic. and i can fall into the trap easily because i don't realize that's what's happening.

 

when someone comes and says, "can you help me with this?", then you think, "hey, yeah i can - no prob". but later you find you are asking this, investigating that, getting upset when progress is slow, upset when you are asked to do more and more. and they don't even have to ask as time goes on because they have figured out if they say this or that, you will just take it over and solve the problem.

 

our relationship became toxic because of all these issues......and the codependence. i am trying, now, to just love her and live my life and i've let go from trying to help her live her life. that will be up to her.

[renaissancewoman101]

what really is so wrong about taking care of someone in a relationship? It seems that people here kind of are against taking care of someone when it comes to relationship.

 

If and when I am in a relationship again, I do like to take care of my partner/SO because it shows how much I love them.

[RayKay]

There is a difference between being supportive as a partner, and encouraging them, and being there for them when times are tough; and enabling them, or rather in preventing their own growth as a person because you are living their life for them.

 

There are many people whom never take responsibility for their own life, and leave it to their partner to do it all for them. This is a shame for both people as it stunts both personal growth, the relationships balance and health, and ultimately is a HUGE burden on the partner whom has to "do it all" as they too need support sometimes. You can't be well supported by someone too messed up to be able to do so.

 

I don't know ANYBODY whom is against being supportive of a partner in a relationship. I do however thing when you enable or take on the task of doing it all for someone with a MULTITUDE of problems, you are only depriving both of yourselves growth and health.

 

And when someone comes into a relationship looking to be "rescued" - it usually ends in quite a disaster to be honest.

[Dako]

It's only a partnership if it's reciprocal. Otherwise it's exploitation.

[Momene]

Certainly, take a step back and don't move in together or take the relationship to another level.

 

You are still getting to know each other.

[abbett]

i agree that when one person tends to do it all, they suffer. i think they actually suffer the most - but in silence. the other person usually cries out that they are not in control of their own lives, and they suffer more vocally.

 

we get into patterns. i tend to want to help people -- and it feels good for a while, but then there are the times i need support and help and these people usually aren't able to do that or they don't think i need it because i appear to have it so together. but over time, i am losing my togetherness within myself becuase i'm constantly GIVING without receiving much in return.

 

at times, she has shown me that she can be supportive.......but not so much. i think it's because of all she is dealing with. only time will tell if she can be a more giving person when she actually has more of herself to give. right now, she's just trying to build her life back.

 

in the 7 months i have known her, she has gone through a job training course, gotten a car, gotten a job, gotten into therapy, and gotten medication - anti-depressant/anti-anxiety.

 

i think she's made great strides........and i think she has many more to make.

 

we are thinking of looking at year's end for a decision to move in together or not........if we don't do it then, it wouldn't be til next summer. we'll see.

 

but, relationship do have to be equal. i'm still waiting to see if this relationship can be. i've seen some amazing things that show me that it can.

[savannahohsavannah]

If she finally succeeds in killing herself, what will you do? What do you tell yourself? That you failed her? I think you are setting yourself up for that! She can't rely on you to make her happy or well. Number one, that type of relationship never works for on the long term, and number two, your needs get ignored.

 

I wish you could get some perspective on this one. I hear that you are trying to think about you both, and I respect that, but only up to a degree. Emotional investments in relationships are best made slowly, and what future do you see with someone who might not want to BE? I can't tell you what to do, but I think it's clear that she has needs that YOU can't meet. She needs to be well in her own heart before she is truly free to love you.

[Momene]

I think you have a lot of patience, maybe too much.