4 months and counting...

[deejay74]

i'm not really sure why i am posting right now, i think i just want to get my thoughts out.

 

today is exactly 4 months since the break up and about 6 weeks since last contact. it's been a pretty rocky 4 months with a lot of ups and downs (some serious downs for that matter). i've done just about everything people have recommended to better myself and sometimes it works, and other times it doesn't. and i also went against the advice on here a couple of times that i now regret doing because i really think my relationship with my ex would be different (as in we would be friends). now i have no idea if she hates me.

 

i did something kind of stupid yesterday and i looked at her myspace page. the only new thing i saw on there was a new blog entry where she talks about her upcoming trip to london and then to portugal and spain. she sounds so happy and excited and it's clearly evident that she's moved on and doesn't think about me at all. reading her blog made me sad because of what i just mentioned and it also reminded me that i am not going with her (i was supposed to). don't get me wrong, i am happy for her but it just reminded me that we're no longer a part of each other's lives, not even as friends. this is the most disappointing factor of this whole ordeal i've been trudging through for the past 4 months. but, it's not a setback, just an unfortunate reminder of how things are. the problem i have now is, i want to email her and see her even more. (many of you know i've been struggling with the idea of reinitiating contact to make amends from the last convo we had and to say good bye. i still haven't decided what to do yet).

 

anyway, i found what works best for me has been therapy, family, friends, and this website. yes, time has helped but it also has been excruciating slow at times.

 

wow, 4 months! this year had honestly sucked so far. on one hand i feel like i can't believe it's almost may already and other times it seems like i've been trying to heal for years.

 

all i know is that i want to be over my ex already, i don't want to be concerned with what's going on in her life, i want to be happy and to stop thinking about this everyday. but, i also want to be friends with my ex at some point because at the end of the day, she's a good person no matter what happened between us or how she treated me after the break up. i have seen her good side and i know her.

 

i also want to thank everyone on here who's helped me and for everyone who's been putting up with my post for the past 4 months.

[AwdreeHpburn]

deejay - sounds to me like while you're still sort of torn, that you're in a better place and moving forward. You said you're ready to be over her and to stop thinking about it everyday. That is a good sign even if it takes another couple of months to come to fruition.

 

I still think you should NOT contact her but that's just my opinion. It's a slow process, but sounds like you're on your way...

[Torchbearer]

I'm sitting at the three month mark myself and like you I have gone NC and done a good job staying busy. Strange how some days are fine but others are slow, lonely and painful isn't it? I miss her so much and wish I was where you were in wanting to be over her and to stop thinking about her. Fact of the matter is I still want to be with her and hate the fact that it's April and that it's been three months and that she's moved on.

[deejay74]

I'm sitting at the three month mark myself and like you I have gone NC and done a good job staying busy. Strange how some days are fine but others are slow, lonely and painful isn't it? I miss her so much and wish I was where you were in wanting to be over her and to stop thinking about her. Fact of the matter is I still want to be with her and hate the fact that it's April and that it's been three months and that she's moved on.

 

hey torchbearer, don't get me wrong, i too want my ex back but i am trying my hardest to let that go because it's pointless wishing for someone who doesn't want me. that's why i want to be over my ex because it's this damned thing called hope that i cannot kill for the life of me. it's amazing how strong it's been holding on. it's just very frustrating because no one can help me with that but me, but why can't i do it? that's what i want to know.

 

and as i mentioned before, i want my ex in my life even it's just as a friend, but she's not.

 

i know exactly how you feel and i am sure you know how i feel. it's spring in new york city, there are so many women i see out wearing their nice spring outfits, but i can't have the one woman i want. seeing all these couples out holding hands in the sunny spring weather doesn't help either.

 

why do relationships and break ups have to be so complicated? at times, i feel like we're all acting like children.

[Scout]

deejay, I see a common thread in your posts: you wish you could at least be friends with her. But try to remember, the friendship you had with her before was based on romantic intimacy. You wouldn't have that again. And by the time you would have only platonic feelings towards her, the issue of friendship wouldn't even be important to you anymore.

 

I think you could subconsciously be feeling that if you two were talking and in communication, that would leave the door open for you two to possibly get back together. But the reality is, you would probably just end up in the dreaded Friend Zone. Talk about taking forever to heal! When you're in that nebulous zone and have more than platonic feelings for the ex, you're constantly longing and sad that your ex only wants you as a friend. And typically, can end up very bitter and resentful as a result.

 

I believe you might be idolizing your ex a bit, and so it's hard for you to really move on. If I were you, I'd make an honest list of some of the things she did and said that were not so great. Surely you can't take 100% responsibility for this relationship ending, and I think you need to see your ex in a bit more realistic of a light, so you can start to let go.

[Diggitydave]

keep moving forward my friend.

[LEFEM24]

Deejay I think Scout said it best. You seem to be idolizing your ex. She might be a good person, but she is certainly not perfect. From your posts, I think you beat yourself up WAY too much over this girl!!! Why?? She puts her pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us!! Stop thinking of her as this person who is so great....she's NOT. Chances are if you DID have the chance to be her "friend" ..you wouldn't care so much. It's the wanting what you can't have that makes her so appealing. Imagine her doing gross things, like burping and farting..LOL ..makes her more human!!!

[Scout]

It's the wanting what you can't have that makes her so appealing.

 

I'm afraid this is playing a very big part in your difficulty to move on. Because, as we've discussed in the past, you do have a very big need for approval and validation from others. To an extent, that's normal, but it can get a bit out of hand. I think you should work on this need, and really face and deal with your insecurities. This is bigger than losing a girlfriend. It's a problem that is going to surface in other areas of your life if you don't get a handle on it.

 

Trust me, I'm not trying to beat up on you...I speak from my own personal experience.

[deejay74]

scout, i hate to admit it, but there are a lot of truth in what you've just said.

 

i have tried making that "list" but the good things always outweigh the bad. i have even went so far as listing really trivial things in the "bad" list just so i could get more bad things than good.

 

i just don't understand why i cannot squash the little bit of hope i have been hanging onto this whole time. it's extremely frustrating. and i also haven't gone a day without thinking about her and everything that has happened.

 

i really do miss her and it's so hard to not want her in my life b/c she meant so much.

 

i am a bit jealous too that's she's completely moved on, doesn't give a sh*t about me, and is so happy. actions do speak louder than words as she hasn't made any attempt in contacting me but sometimes i feel she's just being stubborn or she's holding a grudge.

[deejay74]

I'm afraid this is playing a very big part in your difficulty to move on. Because, as we've discussed in the past, you do have a very big need for approval and validation from others. To an extent, that's normal, but it can get a bit out of hand. I think you should work on this need, and really face and deal with your insecurities. This is bigger than losing a girlfriend. It's a problem that is going to surface in other areas of your life if you don't get a handle on it.

 

Trust me, I'm not trying to beat up on you...I speak from my own personal experience.

 

no i know this. i am in therapy and have been working on my insecurities. in fact, my therapist said my issue is not about my ex anymore, it's about me.

 

i am dealing with my insecurities via therapy but i know it's going to take a long time before i am better.

 

i am just upset that i think my insecurities led to the break up.

[Scout]

i am just upset that i think my insecurities led to the break up.

 

Well, if this is the case, there's a positive: it's finally forcing you to deal with 'em. Don't expect it to be an overnight process, but it will happen faster if you make a solid pact with yourself to face everything with unflinching honesty as you travel the path of self-awareness. It's going to make all the difference.

[Scout]

Another suggestion...how about every time you let yourself think a thought such as "She's moved on and doesn't care"...."She's so over me"..."I really screwed up"....and so on, you deliberately STOP yourself, and ask: "How are these statements helping me move forward? What purpose do they serve other than to reinforce my insecurities?"

 

Thinking a certain way is absolutely habitual. And just like you have trained your thoughts to beat up on yourself, you can untrain them to do the opposite. You really have a lot more power and control over your thoughts than you realize, but you have to be more conscious of what you're thinking and why.

[crvers]

Hey Deejay,

 

For starters, I feel what your going through...I felt what your going through. When my relationship fell apart I felt I had done everything in my power to push it to the end. I felt that there were many things I did that constructively pushed my ex away from me. Every thought that went through my mind played out with me doing another action to make her want to leave. And in many many ways I did. I did cause the majority of pain in my relationship. For 2 months all I did was blame myself.

 

Read my thread for more info:

 

 

 

The thing is, eventually you have to stop blaming yourself. Its great to reflect and realize your mistakes. I know I did. Its easy to blame yourself, I know since I did that too. But one day I just had to stop. You have to officially make that decision in you that it has to stop. Because if you don't, all you do is dwell in that spot and never move forward.

 

I miss my ex extremely. I miss her smile, her laugh, the shine in her eyes. I thought that I would never feel that my life would be the same without her in it. And it isn't the same, but that just life. The lesson I learned from her was more than the cost. But it was a lesson that I needed to be learn.

 

And I think you, throughout your posts, have realized the lesson. Your doing everything in your power to confront those problems. I commend you for that. It takes much more guts to do that, then to ignore them and move to the next person. Unfortunately your s/o had to move on to make you realize them.

 

Read my other post (since I only have 2 lol)

 

 

 

Read Blueangels post, its very enlightening. I think your making great progress, just don't beat yourself up over it. Because you've learned something about yourself, and that, as * * * *ty as it may seem right now, is a great gift for your future. Keep your chin up and your eyes forward, because things will get better. I know I am getting better. There's speedbumps along the way, but it would be easy if there wasn't any right?

[deejay74]

Another suggestion...how about every time you let yourself think a thought such as "She's moved on and doesn't care"...."She's so over me"..."I really screwed up"....and so on, you deliberately STOP yourself, and ask: "How are these statements helping me move forward? What purpose do they serve other than to reinforce my insecurities?"

 

Thinking a certain way is absolutely habitual. And just like you have trained your thoughts to beat up on yourself, you can untrain them to do the opposite. You really have a lot more power and control over your thoughts than you realize, but you have to be more conscious of what you're thinking and why.

 

hmm, never really thought about trying that, i think i will try your suggestion. thank you.

 

you're so right about the habitual thinking. it's just hard to break such an ingrained habit of thinking.

 

thanks for your help.

[deejay74]

thanks for sharing your stories with me crvers. i read your posts and i want to say i am sorry for what you have been through and going through.

 

i also read the 2nd posting. blueangel's advice is very good but there is one thing he says that is screwing with my head:

 

 

 

it makes me want to write an email telling my ex what i regret, but i know it probably won't make a difference.

 

thanks again. i, like you crvers, hate these relationship "games". as i said in one of my posts on this thread, i feel like we're all acting like children when it comes to relationships and the issues that they bring.

[crvers]

Now with blueangels advice, its not telling you to send it with the impression its going to change anything.

 

The email would be a form of closure for yourself. Stating where you went wrong, where the relationship went wrong, and what you learned. Its not meant to try and get your ex back, its meant to allow you to say everything you want to say but expect no reply. Because you may never get one. I don't advise sending anything in the state you are in. Like I said, it would be meant for closure to yourself and nothing else.

 

And yeah, it does seem like children...but thats life. The world will continue turning, its your choice to continue with it or to stand still and keep looking at your wrongs.

[Scout]

In your case, DeeJay, I don't recommend writing or sending this letter. Like it or not, you have closure: it's over, your ex has told you why the relationship ended, and you've faced up to and been honest with yourself about what you contributed to it.

 

What you need now is not closure, but acceptance. And what is keeping you from accepting is staying stuck in this cycle of repeatedly kicking yourself and attributing almost your entire self-value and worth on another person's rejection of you.

 

You have to really stay focused on the true problem at hand: your insecurities, not that the relationship has ended. After all, the insecurities were present during your relationship. thereforeeee, going back to thinking about the relationshp by writing a letter to your ex still keeps you in that same old cycle of addictive thinking about her.

 

So let's break that cycle. In one of your posts above, you immediately acknowledge that some of your insecurities can be attributed to habitual thinking. Then you quickly follow that up with another insecure and negative thought: that it's very hard to change a habit.

 

I think we need to employ an all-around mental exercise from this point forward. Really be conscious of what you're thinking. When a self-defeating thought comes to mind, quickly acknowledge you're having it, then ask those questions again I suggested you ask yourself, and afterwards, quickly follow with a positive thought about yourself. I would suggest you start doing the same about your ex. Limit yourself to how much you allow yourself to think about her. If she pops into your head, get up and go do something.

 

I hope these are some concrete steps you can make a commitment to try for at least two weeks. And then, two weeks longer. And so on.

 

You can't change habitual thinking overnight, but if you don't get started, the time is going to go by anyway and you'll still be stuck at square one, rather than having progressed because you already got started.

[Scout]

And one more thing...isn't it time you forgive yourself? I believe you've already apologized to the ex, on many occasions. Have you done the same to yourself?

 

Maybe you should write a letter...to you. I know this might sound a bit weird, but give it a try. If it helps, pretend you're writing it to a friend who is going through what you did and is still four months later beating himself up. I bet you would reassure and comfort that friend in an instant.

 

Forgiving yourself for what you contributed to the relationship's end is also a critical step in moving on. My goodness, look at the actions you've been taking - coming here and going to counseling so that you can deal with your problems, not sweep them under the rug. Sadly, too many people never take responsibility for the problems that are within themselves, but blame the external world instead. I think you should really commend yourself for not doing that.

[deejay74]

Limit yourself to how much you allow yourself to think about her. If she pops into your head, get up and go do something.

 

once again, great advice and thank you very much, i will try what you recommend.

 

with regards to the above advice, i am sure you know it's easier said than done. see, even when i am doing something, i still think about her. even when i am at work. it's amazing how powerful the mind is. that is, and always has been, my most difficult thing to overcome besides completely letting go.

[Scout]

that is, and always has been, my most difficult thing to overcome besides completely letting go.

 

Ok, let's start reversing this habitual negative thinking right now. The above quote was your last sentence. The next time you think something like that, follow it with a postive: "So yes, it's difficult. But not impossible."

 

Take a step back after everything you write and think. You're gonna have to slow down a bit to do this at first. Consciously notice every time you create a self-defeating thought in your mind, and follow it with a more affirming thought based on reality. Yes, you have a difficult problem. But you're already actively working on fixing it. And you can overcome obstacles. Most everyone can, if they keep at it.

[deejay74]

Ok, let's start reversing this habitual negative thinking right now. The above quote was your last sentence. The next time you think something like that, follow it with a postive: "So yes, it's difficult. But not impossible."

 

hmm, great example, you're so right, it is difficult but not impossible. the next thing i need to work on is patience!!

 

i know i have a long, hard road to better myself and i can't wait til i get there!

 

is that better?

[crvers]

well when you say it, it shouldn't be to scout...that goal should be to you.

 

Just tell me, what are the good things that are happening to you. Really think about it...what are the positives that are happening because of what has happened?

 

And yeah, thinking about them won't really stop for a long time...YOU just need to regulate them. I have, its takes some effort, but you can do it...3 weeks ago I thought hearing myself say that would be a joke.

[Scout]

well when you say it, it shouldn't be to scout...that goal should be to you. .

 

cryvers is right, you don't need my approval. (Remember, we're working on that overpowering need for validation from others, too, lol.) But, I'm glad my feedback is helping you, because I've been where you are, and it's a frustrating rut, my friend.

 

The good news, you've got everything you need built-in yourself to dig yourself out. Again, it will take a bit of time. And remember to observe some things along the journey, because that's the only way you'll get to your destination.

[deejay74]

well when you say it, it shouldn't be to scout...that goal should be to you.

 

Just tell me, what are the good things that are happening to you. Really think about it...what are the positives that are happening because of what has happened?

 

And yeah, thinking about them won't really stop for a long time...YOU just need to regulate them. I have, its takes some effort, but you can do it...3 weeks ago I thought hearing myself say that would be a joke.

 

well, it really wasn't directed at scout. but yeah, i guess it does come off as seeking validation from someone.

 

so what are the good things that happened because of the break up? here goes:

 

1. i have a lot more going on in my life: i joined a gym, started dj'ing again, i signed up for classes at a college that starts at the end of the month (it's only 2 classes but it's a start), i've been going to therapy twice a week instead of once (not sure if that's good or bad), i got a bike (which i am going to ride in the park after i post this), i moved (albeit it's closer to my ex, lol!)

 

- when i was with my ex, i had nothing going on except work and her. my life revolved around our relationship and my ex was very busy.

 

2. i've done a TREMENDOUS amount of self-reflection. the break up has taught me a lot about myself and relationships even though this isn't the first one i've had.

 

3. i can actually save more money for myself. haha!

 

4. this ties into #2 - i'm learning how to love myself and how to overcome my insecurities.

 

5. i've learned not to rely on other people for my self-worth and happiness (this is a work in progress).

 

i guess that's all i can think about right now. but here's the negative part of me coming out: i just wished i could have realized this while with my ex then things would've been different. it's a sh*tty feeling realizing this AFTER the fact. and here's the hope coming in: i wish that my ex can see that i have changed for the better and would want me back so that we could have a better, stronger relationship. but i know the latter won't happen. and i have changed for me but a small part of me wants to prove something to my ex as well.