Breaking NC after 4 Months - My Thoughts: The Preparation

[photomo]

It's been a while since I last posted on this forum. I've been keeping myself busy trying to do some healing, which meant finding answers by myself without having to rely on this forum. But now I'm back - mainly to provide others with the experience of breaking NC on which I am about to embark, but also for some last minute support! Although this may turn out to be a long post, I hope someone somewhere will find some valid points to make their situation better. This post is the first of two: this one is the preparation before breaking NC, and this will be followed by a conclusion sometime after breaking NC occurs.

 

I'll begin with a summary of my relationship: I met her in Spain in 1999, when I was 16 and when she was 17. At first it was a LDR (I am English), but love brought us together and we lived at each other's parents' houses. We stayed together for over 6 years, although I felt her desire for me declined after the second year. She eventually fell out of love with me when she got her own place and independence, and left me in October last year. I tried all the begging and pleading, and by the time Christmas came, I finally realised I had to do NC to keep myself sane.

 

Fast-forward to now. 4 months have passed and I haven't heard a word from her, nor has she heard anything from me. However, I have spoken to her friends and have had a few conversations with her family (who appear to be as upset as I am). She, on the other hand, has made no effort to contact any of my friends and family. In just over a week's time, we will be breaking NC - but not because we want to, but because we both have to attend some mutual friends' wedding.

 

Because the wedding is in her home town in Spain, I have decided to go out there a week early so that I can get over the "shock" of having all the memories coming back *before* having to meet her. This way, I'll only have to deal with her when I see her, and not the sadness of all these lost memories.

 

NC has been a great tool to get me to where I am today. At the beginning of the breakup, I thought that the relationship ended because of my mistakes. In the lead up to the end, I was a bit arrogant and a bit distant (I had a lot of pressure from uni exams, finding a job etc). When I began NC, I worked on improving my weaknesses and tried to analyse the relationship with an open mind. It then became clear to me that I wasn't such a bad guy afterall, and that I had no real reason to beat myself up about something I did. Yes, I admit I made mistakes in the past, but one thing I am so proud of is that I never stopped loving her throughout those 6 years, and I never did anything to hurt her. It was her who slowly stopped loving me, and my mistakes were more than likely to be caused by her lack of intimacy towards me.

 

I now realise there is nothing I can do about the situation. NC has helped me to understand myself again and has put me in a stable position to meet her again. NC has also made me realise that I am myself, and no-one can ever replace me. We are all unique and everyone possesses qualities that no-one else has. NC has made me realise that I will never have any regrets. I did all I could, and by going NC no more mistakes can be made. However, she may (or may not) experience regrets later on in life, for example, when she realises that her next partner is not so great after 6 years afterall...

 

As the days get closer to seeing her, my stomach is in knots, and I know I am panicking inside. I recognise that my heart still wants to get back with her, yet my mind is telling me this will never happen. I've been planning out how to act when I see her. I basically have 3 options:

 

1) Ignore her completely

2) Show her my anger and sadness

3) Be myself and pretend nothing has happened

 

I really feel like going with option 2), but I know this will not be good for anyone. So option 3) is which I'll take.

 

When our eyes first make contact, I plan to give her a cheeky smile, perhaps by sticking my tongue out or something, just to make her laugh and let her know that I won't be awkward to talk to. I will then wait for a while to see if she has the courage to initiate contact with me. If she doesn't, I guess I'll bite the bullet and approach her. I plan to keep the conversation light, with strictly no talking about our relationship. I'll let her lead the conversation, and will mirror the detail she goes into about a particular topic. If she asks me whether I have been with anyone else, I will politely tell her that she is not in a position to know, and that such a topic is best avoided. Hopefully, things will go smoothly, and we will have some fun, which is something which seems so far away in the past.

 

When it comes to say goodbye, I plan to wish her all the best, and that I hope she finds someone who can love her more than I ever could. I will also mention that it would be nice to see her again sometime in the future (although maybe not in the near future unless she makes reconciliation obvious). This leaves the ball in her court and subtly suggests that I *may* still be interested in her.

 

Whatever happens, I just hope I can leave this wedding with a happy memory of this (perhaps last) one-to-one with my ex.

 

I will write an update in a couple of weeks with what actually happened, and what I think may happen in future. Meanwhile, I hope that someone here has found something useful in this post. If anyone wants to add their advice, please go ahead!

 

Take care, and the best of luck to you all.

[nicorette]

good luck!

youll do fine! be strong and dont let her see any sadness or resentment!

i wish you well

[NubianLove]

I wish u all the best, my meeting with my ex will sort of be like this, at a mutual friend's wedding. I hope it goes great and you have a good time!!

[malcontent]

Nicely written post. Good luck at the wedding, I can imagine how stressful that would be for me. I've been apart from my ex-gf for about two months now and even though I've been doing NC for the past almost three weeks, I still have an involuntary fight-or-flight type anxiety reaction when we cross paths. It doesn't help that she's always got her new man, whom she was with a week after we split, all over her.

 

Your post seems to indicate that you expect her to be attending the wedding alone; are you certain about this? How would her having a date change your approach? That's a big part of my problem, that my ex and the new guy are have basically been attached at the hip since they started hanging out.

 

Meanwhile, even though I had wanted out of the relationship for a long time, I'm nowhere near ready to be dating again yet. I feel like I need to lick my wounds for a while longer and work to improve myself, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I know this will just sound like sour grapes, and it probably is, but the fact that I'm dealing with the loss by myself while she loses herself in a new fling stings.

 

How would you handle this? How do you maintain your composure when confronted with that extremely uncomfortable situation? I'm hoping it's just a function of time.

[FCTex]

Great Post...

 

Want my honest take on this, from someone who's had the planned broken NC, and the sudden, unexpected contact? As sad as it might seem, I'm pretty well versed in breaking of NC.

 

First off, great idea going a week early. It's good to give you time to absorb your surroundings and to take that long walk down memory lane-alone.

 

Secondly, You leave yourself three options. In my opinion, I would toss those all out the window. You leave yourself a strict guideline to work with, and I'm going to be brutally honest, but it all goes out the window the second you set your eyes on her. She will be looking amazing for the wedding, and if she has any inkling of wanting to "impress you" or to "show" anything for that matter to you, she will go the extra mile in making you notice her.

 

Also, by being playful, if that normally wasn't you. It will come off as fake and flawed. I honestly, would just act like you don't see her. Don't go in with your "radar" on looking for her. Look for other friends, the family, ect.. Now, of course, your paths will cross. Your eyes will meet, and you will talk. Thats without question. Don't try and appear anyway unnatural. It's your friends wedding.. it's smart to not bring up the relationship/etc while there. Perhaps at a later time away from the ceremony if it comes up.

 

I honestly would be firm with her. If your eyes cross, just smile. Nothing cheesy, nothing funny. Be approachable, as if a stranger has met eyes with you on the street. If she makes the effort to talk to you, make the effort to be cordial with her as you planned. And to be quite honest.. Lie.

If your life is down the drain, your unemployed, sad, depressed, poor, and hanging by a thread.... Tell her your wonderful, happy, doing well, this and that. Be positive, no matter what is going on.

 

 

Finally.. I can tell by your post that while your hurt, and scared... You miss her and want her back. This breaking of contact is more so for you. Congrats.. I believe it's very healthy to break no contact if it makes you at ease, and if you pull something from it all, other than more heartbreak.. You want to leave her with the chance to do something.. Say something. make a move.. You want her to make a jump if it's to be, and leave it like that. Don't hurt yourself there bud. Don't expect her to do anything. Infact, don't expect her to make any bounds to even talk to you..

 

If she makes no effort to talk to you, I'd strongly advise you to do the same. While you should, and more likely WILL to ease your heart, in the end it's a one person fight for what?

 

I think you have a solid plan my friend. However, plans go out the window when you see her. You will freeze and go into a new plan by the seat of your pants. Go get what you want from it, you deserve all the happiness you can bring.

[NubianLove]

well said FCTex, thanks so much I'll keep it in mind when I break my NC next month

[photomo]

FCTex: You've raised some good points that I hadn't actually thought about...now I'm planning for this unexpected plan that I will follow when I see her! ;-) I have one of my best friends flying out to the wedding with me, so I know I will have some support when I am there, and I can easily avoid her if necessary, without being alone.

 

Malcontent: When I asked my friends who are getting married about whether she'd be bringing anyone else, they told me that it was strictly invitation. However, that was a while ago, and whether that has changed I do not know. If she does bring anyone else, I guess I'll have to just be strong and pretend that I am not bothered about the situation. Obviously it will change what I will talk to her about, but I think being civil and strong is the best option to go for. In fact, I probably would even support her with her decision of having someone else. What do you think is better? Being blatently jealous and upset, or being strong and happy for her? Likewise, I am still not ready for dating anyone yet...and it has almost been 8 months since the breakup. I guess the time will come when I know I am completely over her.

[onayrb]

First off, good luck. A few years ago when faced with a similar situation, on meeting the ex I was so nervous and torn up that I lost the power of speech and my legs felt like they were possessed by another. I stumbled awkwardly through a brief conversation (if you can call it that) whislt trying to keep balance on these strange possessed legs. She cried though -even though she was with her new man. Be prepared for that also, but do not let it give you false hope. Just try and keep cool, avoid any heavy conversation. Put on an act of coolness in front of her -then when nobody can see, with your best friend to support you maybe-go and cry your eyes out. Then pick yourself up again and do what you already have been doing for the last few months -which is discovering how great you are. I wish you luck.

[photomo]

The follow-up to this post can be found here: