she wants to be free, but still with me?

[calx]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but I just want to get the whole story out in the open to someone, anyone.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We were both fairly young when we met, im 24 now, she's 23.

 

For the past 6 months or so I have felt her drifting further and further away from me. We are rarely intimate, I dont feel that she even wants to touch me much anymore, and in recent months, some days im lucky if I even get her attention long enough to speak to her for any length of time.

 

As nearly all her spare moments are spent chatting on the internet, and when she's not chatting shes out. She has met a lot of people and made some good new friends from this, and at first, because I wanted to be involved with her interests, I would go out with her new friends, they would come over to our house etc.

 

Make no mistake I like a drink and a dance, and having a good time as much as anyone else, but I grew tired of it, you can only get so far with people who are essentially strangers. I couldn't really relate to them much past the odd night of drunken mindless fun, most of them were a few years younger than both of us, and it showed, with their constant bickering and "who havent I scr*wed yet?" attitude.

 

After a while I found that my efforts wernt making any difference, I was still a low priority as far as she was concerned. I tried a different tactic, I would demand her attention, nag her about leaving me all the time, anything to try and get back some of what I felt I had lost. Well as you would expect, this didn't work that well either. Hmm..

I let it go for a bit longer, "she'll soon grow tired of all these strangers, they dont know her like I or her REAL friends do... surely".

 

No change, in fact it got worse. She would snap at me if I asked her just to be with me one night, or when I would ask for reassurance that she still loved me/wanted to be with me, she would get upset, we would fight, and she would leave, and stay out all night. I spent a lot of nights alone, worrying, racked with jealousy, confusion, and just plain loneliness.

 

One day, while fixing her very flaky computer for the upteenth time, I happened accross a log of a conversation that she had saved with someone, it was only a fragment, and looked as if it had been captured by mistake with some other information she was saving. Basically she was telling someone, that she was going to break it off with me.

 

I was devestated, but not really that surprised. I was just angry that she was talking to some goddamn stranger about our relationship, and that whenever I would bring it up she would act as if everything was fine.

I confronted her that night, she told me it was all a mistake, she was just confused/down that night, that she did really love me, she didnt mean it etc. We had a long talk, and agreed we would be totally honest and open with each other in the future.

 

Reassured, I decided that things would have to start getting better. Once again though, there was no change, everything was the same, and I felt even more isolated as weeks went by.

 

I started to get suspicious, I put a program on her computer that would record all her conversations. I felt guilty, but decided I had a right to know what the hell was happening with us.

 

I found what I was looking for.. not only was she telling practically everyone that she was "having problems with me", but she was flirting with about 5 different guys. I was gutted. A few days later it got worse, she had ended up kissing one of these guys and a few other things I wont mention here. They didn't have sex, and it might not seem that bad to anyone reading this, but after 8 years in a loving and what I thought was a mutually exclusive relationship, we had built up a lot of trust between us, but that had now crumbled around me. I felt like a close friend had died, I was empty, broken and numb.

 

Once again, I confronted her. The same thing happened, she told me she still loved me etc. But that she needed some time "to be her". Fine, I wouldn't interfere. Once again we went on in the same way.

But I was still dead, I couldn't stop thinking about it, and when she would go out without me (now I was being told not to come with her) I was tearing myself up.

 

In this last week, every day the same process has repeated, I confront her about her true feelings, we talk, and reach an agreement to try and make things work. She suggested that maybe we should separate, ("YES!!" I can here you all scream) But I can't do it, im so hopelessly in love with her, that the thought of it just makes me break down. As of now, we have agreed that we are, together, but that we can both see other people, as long as it's safe and purely for the experience, with no emotional attachment. Im trying to be ok with this, but it's still searing my mind, I feel lost. Im close to tears all the time (even as im writing this). I just sit and stare into space. I feel like I just want to get unconsciously drunk, hurt myself, smash something, do anything to let it out. But all I really want is her.

 

She's out right now, it's saturday night, i've got a cold, so I turned down an invitation to go out with friends tonight, but I wouldnt have anyway, I just want her with me so very badly.

 

Thankyou.

[electric_blue_lightening]

hello. im Louise, im 17 years old and i can see you thinking straight away that im too young to know anything about what your going thru arnt you? well i dont really think age matters. and its experience that counts, i like trying to help ppl so im guna giv it a go.

 

It sounds to me like your gf is remembering being young and free againg, those nights when you 14 when you just hang with your mates and can meet new people, i myself like being free and i have recently met a lad who i thought i fell in love with (b4 u think im tyring to compare my relationsip 2urs im not, just let me say this) i fell in love with him aftre only month of the relationship, im a fun-loving person in general and it tuk me ages to find the right lad ot try and settle with, it is nowe after 4 months of the relationship that i am missing being single, and being able to meet new lads, etc. I think what your girlfriend is doin is remembering what it is like to be young and free, from what you said you did hook up at quitew a young age and because you have been 2gether 8 years! it obv means you love eachother. maybe she thinks she is still young and just wants to have some fun, the fact she is flirting with 5 other people does not nessesarily mean she fancies them, so dont feel like she is trying to replace you, i personally think she is just trying to get attention, aftre being happily in love woth you for 8 years she hasnt been able to flirt, harmless flirting mind, and i think this is what she is doin now, and the fact she wont talk to you about it might show she feels a bit guilty about it, because she hasnt been giving you enought attention, she might just feel confused? she loves you really, but because she has been talking to these other lads she has convinced herself she has feelings for them.

 

I wrote a problem of my own on this web site, you cud luk it up it mite also help you, i ave no idea, i just hope something i ave sed in this answer helps you in some way, i think she does still love you, and i think ur right to have time appart but sill see eachother at the same time, it gived you the chance to see diff people and maybe let her realise how much she loves you and needs you?

 

anyway let me know if i have helped you at all! and if you need sum1 to talk to me im here.....

[IMyselfAmHell]

oh my. i know what you're talking about becuz when i was little the same thing happened with my mother. she totally neglected us kids and she almost left my father because she met all these new online buddies and all she did was go online all the time. it was very traumatic. anyway, if you love her don't let her go, but give her space. i was reading a book by dr. james dobson the other day which somewhat highlights your situation. just give her some time to let her be free and to express herself and get it out of her system. maybe you should separate for a while just so she can get her bearings and understand how much she really needs you. i know you feel like you've been waiting for so long for this "craze" to be over, but maybe some alone time is what you really need. if you loves you as much as she says she does, then she'll come back to you, and if she wants to live in her new world with her new friends, then maybe you're better off anyway (as hard to believe as that may seem). it's your choice. you can continue to live in this hell, or you can separate and give her other options.

[Goincrazy]

Ok I know you two have been going out a very very very long time and she means alot to you but it seems like she has all the control in this relationship. She can flirt with other people and do stuff behind your back while you are truthful and faithful to her. Then when you find out, your heart is broken but you still forgive her and things go back to the way they were which doesn't solve any problems because she continues to be dishonest with you. I know you love her very much but it sounds like she doesn't care for you as much as you do for her or she just isnt' sure if you are the ONE. I dont think this seeing other people while staying together thing is such a good idea but that's just my opinion. When I picture myself in your situation, I think of how insane I would go knowing that my girl was going around seeing other guys and doing who knows what. I know you two promised to not get emotionally attached to anyone you meet but chances are since she doesn't seem totally satisfied with your relationship, she might grow very close to some other guy and it could lead to something very bad that could hurt you even more. I think you should either go to counseling or something if you really can't live without her but If I was you, I would consider breaking it off for good. I know how hard that sounds but I think it would do you alot of good in the long run because although you might still have feelings for her, atleast you wouldn't be hurt constantly by her dishonesty and lack of communication. Even if you two stay together, if you two are having this on and off relationship type thing by seeing other people while staying together, it might be just a waste of time because you might not be destined to have a future with this girl. You're still young, you still have a long life ahead of you. There are other great girls out there that you could find if you just let go of this girl and open up your heart to another. Who knows, you might find one evenmore wonderful than the one you have right now. You never know until you try. I hope you are happy with whatever you decide to do. Best of luck to ya!!!