Not sure what to do...kinda living in a fog..

[AprilS0769]

I don't know what to do. Well part of me does..the other does not know how to go about it or if I should.. I have been with the same guy for almost 20 years. (since I was 17..) We have two young children together. I have not been happy for at least the last 6 years and have had 2 affiars. He knows of both. And continues to remind me weekly. Not something I am proud of and cannot explain why. I do not love him the way I should and doubt very much that I ever will again. We both came from alcoholic families. And he is an alcoholic. Says its my fault I should have stopped him etc etc. We have talked quite a bit lately about splitting. He originally said that I should leave and leave the kids..not an option! We own our house together and I have contributed. The kids and I are extremely close. He is a good father (and nice guy) But while I work and he watches the kids..he is out in his garage drinking..telling the kids to press the page button on the phone if they need him.. They are 9 and 6 years old. Thank God I now only work one night a week and he recently found a letter I wrote that I was going to bring to a lawyer or to who ever I went to for advice.. stating what I just have. So this seems to have made him think. He now says that he will pay the debts and the kids and I can go. Where I do not know... I do not make much $ (under $900 a month..) I have seen a lawyer and did get legal aid. (just to get my bearings) This was after I found out he was recording us here in the house. He scared me. Just not sure how to go about all this. I have fantasized for a few years now about being on my own with the kids and actually living. He thinks I should be content here in the house or in his garage..no friends or going out.

Selling and splitting seems to be the logical explaination, but not in his eyes...and how do I bring this up? A part of me hates to make him sell b/c he does work hard and does pay most everything. But I will need to buy another place so the kids have a stable home etc. And renting is expensive. Part of me says stay. But it will never work out..he must always bring things from the past up and it is just not comfortable. I HATE sex or intimate contact with him. The kids say I need to be happy well my oldest does more so. I agree life is too short. I just don't know what to do. I know that I have already hurt him, so this will sound strange...it is hard to just say it's over and I want this...I hate to be the initiator I guess... I do not like to hurt people and am an easy going person who likes to keep the peace.

Sorry for this huge post..Just so confused!

[malcontent]

That's a tough situation. My mother stayed in a horrible marriage to my father because of some ill-placed sense of duty to us, her children. He was abusive to both her and me, primarily in an emotional capacity buy he was capable of low-grade physical abuse, too.

 

She finally got a divorce after 21 years of marriage and still despises him to this day. I can't say as I blame her because he has always had the ability to inflict emotional damage by yanking the rug out from under people when they're counting on him most. He wasn't an alcoholic, but he definitely, DEFINITELY has some mood disorder issues. He never had positive things to say, he was always cutting us down and just angry in general.

 

Anyway, my advice to you would be to start looking for a place you can stay. There are homes for battered women that serve almost as halfway houses to enable you to put some distance between the two of you while you attempt to either get your own life in order or allow him to experience life without you and see if that makes him want to work on improving himself. From what you wrote, it might be too late for that but I figured I'd leave it on the table.

 

Either way, you need to start making plans to extricate yourself from the situation. Life is too short to spend it miserable. If there's something you can do to better your life, then do it. Trust me, it will be much, MUCH better for the children in the long run, too. As someone who grew up in a house with zero love between parents, I completely appreciate the damage that can cause. I also know how deep the scars from early childhood abuse run, and I still work towards overcoming my fears of committment and abandonment.

 

Do what's right for you. Leave him.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with everything malcontent said.

 

Above all though, what you really need is advice from a good lawyer..there's not much more I can say beyond what malcontent said. Your husband is offering to pay your debts and let you have the kids which is good, but he also wants to keep the house. Legally speaking, I don't think there's really anything he can do to stop the house from being sold if you two are getting a divorce. Half of it is yours, and if he wants to keep it he'd have to pay you for it. If he doesn't have that kind of money, or couldn't get a loan for that much selling is the only option.

 

You two obviously have your issues, but I don't get the impression that things are extremely bitter between you. At least you are on speaking terms. Try to keep it that way. The last thing either one of you needs is this divorce to turn into a war. You have children together. That being said, don't short yourself completely to give him what he wants. You have to look out for the best interests of yourself and your children here while trying to compromise. But if his idea of compromise is you altering your expectations completely to what he wants, things are going to get bitter...

 

avman (a site administrator) is very knowledgable about divorces. I don't know if he's ever had one but he always gives sound advice when posters have complicated divorce issues.

[avman]

Hi there April,

 

I'm sorry to hear that things in your marriage are so rough. Whether or not you should divorce is a decision only you can make. I wouldn't recommend staying together just because it's what you are used to. Obviously you are not getting your needs met in the marriage. You might want to consider some counseling for yourself to sort out everything that is going through your mind.

 

Ok, but lets assume that you feel the divorce is the way you want to go. Then you have already got a good start by seeing a lawyer. The lawyer will be able to go through options with you to sort out what makes the most sense for you and the children. Unfortunately I am not up on the Ontario provincial laws regarding divorce - but your attorney certainly will be.

 

While you may not want to hurt your husband, the primary question should be "What is in the best interest of the children?". In some divorces, the children get to stay in their house until they are out of school and then the house is sold and the proceeds split. Other times it makes sense to sell the house and split the proceeds. Or some people buy out their partner and keep the house. And he of course will need to pay child support. He is obligated to pay that regardless of your living arrangements. And you may be able to get some spousal support temporarily until you are on your feet.

 

Talk to your attorney about what the options are. Then if you can bring them up with your husband and settle it between you two so much the better. But make sure you understand what your options are so that you don't agree to something substantially less than you should. Information is your best ally right now.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date!

[btbt]

I agree with what everyone is saying. It will make you miserable to stay in a relationship for practical reasons such as finances, house etc. You sound like a smart, capable person, so even if splitting up will make things more difficult, you can do it. Also, you say you do not want to disrupt the kids stability, but kids are very smart and can sense when their parents are unhappy. This might have a worse effect on them than having to move and struggle financially a bit. Start planning like some of the other posters said on finding a place to stay and laying the legal groundwork for getting your share of what's due to you. Best of luck.