How can you trust your family if they steel from you?

[SilverManic]

Okay this is something that has bilt up over a period of time and now I need some advice and to vent my emotions on the subject. I need to explain the situation before making it aparent what the problem is.

 

When my father died he left me a considrable amount of money which I decided to put the majority of away for a house (when I'm ready) and use some amount to go traveling. Well the first trip I'm taking happens to be next month and I had brought my holiday money USD ready for it thinking yeah it will be fine in my own home which I live every day. I can trust my family.

 

My brother in the past has taken cd's with out asking, ruined DVD's by not putting them in the case when he borrows them and not returning them to me for days on end. Now my grandparents brought me a lock and installed it so this would stop happening. But my brother has been kicking the door down and the lock is now broken so i never bothered shutting my door.

 

My holiday money was on my desk with my passport and my brother had past shown interest in a 20 dollar bill. But the simple fact of the matter is I didn't think he would take one. I counted the money 3 times before I got angry. To me $20 is a lot of money (I don't work he does). I also can not replace it because it is not insured.

 

He is always complaining about my grandparents invading his privacy and taking his stuff (they don't take his stuff is room is gross so they clean it and move his stuff). Then he pulls something like this after he has just broken my bike with out even asking if he could borrow it, he's left it at his friends house like he has with my stuff that I shall never see again.

 

So what do I do? He gets home in 3 hours do I ask for it back?

 

Thanks,

~S.

[CamGuy]

"STEEL" from you? or "STEAL" from you?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Is her spelling of importance? I mean really?

 

And about your brother, perhaps it's time you move into a different home.It's ridiculous that your brothers kicking down your door let alone stealing from you. And yes, i would confront him about it, though i'm not sure it'll do much. I'm sorry to hear that happened though.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Confront him! Thats your money and after all the stuff he's done in the past I think this is a good time to start standing up to him.

 

My brother used to do crap like that when I was little, I would take most of it back, he finally got the idea when I would leave "presents" for him in return.

[Lunabelle]

Do you feel safe living in a home where your own family member kicks the door in? Why are your grandparents allowing this behavior in their home?

 

Sounds like brother has anger issues. Perhaps the grands are afraid of him? Are you? To me, these are bigger issues than the $20.

 

But don't leave yourself open to this stuff. It's kind of like you knew what brother might do, yet you left the money right there. You're going to have to get much more clever about hiding your stuff.....how about in the kotex box?

 

Still, my gut tells me you need to get out of there. Perhaps you may consider postponing some of the travel and using some of those funds to get set up in your own little rental until you are "ready" to own a home. Needing a safe home to live in would make me "ready", personally.

 

Your safety is your responsibility. Learn to see the threats where they are. Why put yourself in these situations? Protect yourself.

 

Do you want to have a confrontation with brother? Then do it, it doesn't matter what it's about. You know he will yell and threaten and be rude. He won't respond appropriately. He won't apologize and appear contrite. I don't think you are going to get what you want from him.

 

I would chalk up that $20 as a lesson (finally) learned and stop allowing this to go on.

 

Somebody is going to have to intervene with brother's anger (possibly due to father's death?) before he hurts somebody. If he's kicking your door down, I wonder what he does to people he's not related to.

 

Good luck and best wishes to you! Let us know what you decide to do!

[AwdreeHpburn]

It may be all in the approach here.

 

You may be sure he took it and he may already know you've figured it out. But accusing him and being confrontational is NOT going to make him give it back. Sometimes, you get more flies with honey.

 

Here's what I would do, but this is just me....

 

I would ask him if he's saw a 20 on the floor around your desk because earlier one had fallen out of the packet when you picked it up and you tihnk it may have happened again (or something like that)

 

Then when he says, no, cuz he most probably will. Act frustrated and put out that your short that money. Like, awww man! I lost 20 bucks! Then - and here's the good part - ask him if he'd be willing to lend you the 20 you're missing. Asking sadly and sincerely, "Can YOU loan me 20 bucks??"

 

I bet you'll be surprised at his answer.

 

Then of course, don't pay him back.

 

That's what I would try. If the objective is actually the money - I suggest pulling out the honey, and lay it on thick! I think if you confront and accuse him, you'll NEVER get your money back. Once you HAVE it back, then go ahead and tell him you know he took it and what you think of him.

 

Just my opinion

[Lunabelle]

hmm....maybe.....however if he is Mr. Cranky Pants I doubt this will work...

 

Ta ree saw, with all due respect, what you wrote smacks of artful manipulation, not to say it won't get her $20 back, it could. But I can't shake this feeling inside that it's better to go about things from a more, uh, upfront, open perspective. It seems more "adult".

 

I have to admit I was momentarily awed by the depth of the ploy, my first reaction was man, she's good! But I have seen that kind of manipulative behavior really come back and bite somebody whereas when we are open and honest and upfront, while it may be painful, it doesn't have this shadow-life that comes back to get you.

 

I think the $20 question is just the surface of what's really going on in this lady's family.

 

If he gets mad and kicks the door in, who knows maybe next time he'll get mad and kick her face in. This is what I'm afraid of for her.

[SilverManic]

Hmm no not because of my Dad's death he's my half brother. We have different fathers. I'm really unsure on this but I pretty much figured since I have to go to the gym and my granddad is picking him up from work I should maybe ask him in the car. Did you borrow it to show your friends that money trick and forget to put it back? This is really annoying I can't think where else it could have gone type thing.

If I were to ask to borrow money he would probably say no. It's my holiday money and there is more of it and obviously he knows that since he took it. It's not like he can use it here either. The reason why he kicks my door down is to get at my stuff. Becuase I worked and this is the first job he has had, he always stole my CD's and such.

 

Thanks to all,

~S.

 

P.S. To Camguy, very mature as it happens I have a learning dissability.

[RandomAdvisor]

It's my holiday money and there is more of it and obviously he knows that since he took it.

 

 

I'll bet that's the kind of justification he made to himself when he took it. This is the kind of thinking people of low moral character exhibit. "He has more, so it's ok for me to take it."

 

Getting away from your brother definitely sounds like a long term fix. I dont' see why you should be the one moving though. If he is the one kicking down doors and can't respect the property and privacy of other people in the household, I think he should be the one getting kicked out. If it were me, and one of my brothers was kicking in the door to my room to get at MY stuff, I would be calling the police.

 

How old is he?

[SilverManic]

he's 18 but i love him and our relationship bar this is relitavly improving. So I don't want to jepodise anything we have bilt up recently. I mean he's my brother for god sake and I would never call the police on him...

~S.

[RandomAdvisor]

he's 18 but i love him and our relationship bar this is relitavly improving. So I don't want to jepodise anything we have bilt up recently. I mean he's my brother for god sake and I would never call the police on him...

~S.

 

Never say never.

 

I had to call the police on my older brother several times in my youth when he assaulted me. I had similar problems with things disappearing because of my brothers, the "friends" they brought into the house, and the drugs they all loved to take. Hopefully he will back off, but if he doesn't eventually you have to do something.

 

Your relationship with him may be improving, but I don't think it can truly go anywhere until he respects your property and privacy. Let us know how the talk with him goes. Good luck.

[Lunabelle]

I am happy to hear that you basically have a good relationship....just watch that magical thinking that he won't hurt you because he's your brother...(you have a far greater chance of being hurt (or killed) by someone you know than by a stranger).

 

Does this whole door-kicking thing bother you as much as it does me?

 

I would call the cops on anybody. Even my own kid, only if I thought someone was going to get hurt. That's where I draw my line.

[SilverManic]

The police over here arn't going to do a thing. Besides that yes my brother and I do have a good relationship, we talk we have a laugh and we argue. Most brothers and sisters will argue at some point. I tacktfully asked him if I'd left it in his room and he said he would look for it.

 

Well thats all I can do I'm having a new door installed at the moment and the lock is being fitted tomorrow. He won't be kicking this one in because it will hurt a lot.

 

I would NEVER call the police on my brother. Because he is my family and there is nothing that can not be resolved between family (well him anyway). At least I know he does care about me even if we've had problems in the past because unlike most brothers he will still say he loves me and still tell me he's worried about me if he is.

 

Yes we have issues, yes he has issues but doesn't anyone? I really don't think my brother would hit me as he nearly did once and appologized so much (we were a LOT younger then). He said he would never hit me and he's sorry that he even thought about it.

 

Okay so maybe I'm living in do da land but hey, I don't want to believe that one of the few members in my family I feel I can trust would really hurt me like that. But then my trust issues are starting to pop up, did he take it or was it someone else and why would they?

 

My reasoning was he was the one that showed the most interest in it and the one that has done it before... I guess I shouldn't jump to conclussions. Just because he did it before doesn't mean he did it this time and my post was in the heat of the moment.

 

Thanks for everyones advice,

 

~S.

[Lunabelle]

he is my family and there is nothing that can not be resolved between family

 

Oooohh man. This is scarey distorted thinking in my opinion.

 

Very happy to hear about the door!

 

Good luck!

[itsallgrand]

There ARE some things that can not be resolved within family.

Lunabelle, I echo your fears - that is dangerous thinking.

That is how family 'secrets' and unhealthy behavior is allowed to run unchecked. We need the outside to be able to see our own families clearly.

 

I have a few questions.

1) Why are your grands going into your brother's room? I mean - do they have valid reasons to do so? Does he do drugs, harm himself, or have any other serious problems?

He deserves his privacy too. I'm not excusing his behavior; but I'm trying to see if it's a pattern in the home or just him. Often one guy ends up being the 'bad guy'.

2)Is he poor? Does he rely on your grands to survive? If so, he probably resents you and your money. He might feel trapped: you can leave, what are his options?

 

It's not normal to live like you are. It's not healthy to wonder if you might wake up one night to your door being knocked down. He obviously has boundary issues and a temper. I hope he gets some help with that.

 

You can be a big help to your brother by enforcing your own boundaries clearly.

You do him no favors by continuing to 'put up' with this nonsense.

 

I have one brother. We are close. There is a one year age difference.

Back in the day...I was a very angry young lady.

I knocked doors down, I had little respect for property.

Our house was flooded with people all the time, and I had no privacy to myself.

My brother was very strict about his space. He pulled back from me when I violated his space.

It gave me pause to think of what I was doing. In heat of action, you aren't thinking of hurting anyone. It's blind emotion. It also has to do with boundaries.

I missed having him as my friend, and it gave me more motivation to straighten up my act. I had to prove I was trustworthy.

It was a blessing!

 

good luck with everything. Remember: it's not really about 20 bucks, it's about trust.

You obviously care for your brother.

 

If you need to move out to stay safe, and to preserve the trust with your bro, I would do so.

[Tigris]

I'm pleased you're getting a new door. If he breaks in this time let the police get forensic evidence.

 

The more you allow him to do this the worse he'll get. How do you know that he isn't doing this to old people in their homes? You don't know what he's upto 24 hours a day.