Commitment Issues

[peanut74]

Hello all. This is my first time on. I have a boyfriend that I love dearly. I know without any doubt that he loves me too. We've been together 3 years & it's been good. We started off as friends, became close, & I moved into his house a year ago. Lately we've been talking about getting a new home. I told him that if we're going to do that then we should to get married. Not because I feel that getting married will make me happy but if we're going to play house then we need to make this legal. He's cool with the idea of us having kids one day but he thinks that if we're happy then why get married. I don't believe in ultimatums but I don't plan on "shacking up" for the rest of my life. Comments, please.

 

P.S.- I'm 32 & he's 35 so we're not that young.

[DN]

What reasons do you have for 'making it legal'? If you buy a house together then you have an equal share in it and should you split then half of the equity is yours anyway. Other than the house, what will change in your relationship since you moved in with him?

 

Bear in mind that you are the one wanting to change the nature of a relationship that you freely entered into. Was marriage ever discussed as a natural progression from moving in with him?

 

Remember many men are not afraid of marriage - they are afraid of divorce.

[missbrittanyy]

Getting married is just a "title" if you will. you're already common law. and by being together for this long, you've pretty much silently announced your vows to one another.. you're together.. you're both happy. why the need to push it?

[peanut74]

We've discussed it. I've always said that I've wanted to get married one day. I can be honest & say that he's always been a little iffy when it comes to the idea of marriage. He thinks that things are GOING TO CHANGE SO MUCH. As for the house idea of course if my name is on the deed I'd have vested interest in the home but I'm also looking towards the future. There are certain "legal" benefits that come along with getting married. Like SSI, retirement, etc.

[luna47]

I wish I could be more helpful than this, but I can only tell you what I know. I was in the same position about three years ago. We bought the house. I didn't force him to marry me (nor do I ever want to threaten any man with leaving or with any ultimatum to marry -- I agree with you). And I've followed him accross the country when he got a new job. Now, wer're in trouble. And the commitment would sure help us feel better I think. He says he regrets not having married me. But too, now that we're having problems, we're not sure we should be married. (And we get along very well and love each other a lot.) Life has a way of complicating things, and I think the commitment of marriage helps us to stick it out (for some).

 

A friend of ours said to me, if marriage doesn't matter to him, then he should marry you. Because it matters to you. And if it doesn't matter to him, then he shouldn't be bothered by doing it. That feels right to me.

 

Good luck.

[DN]

Could part of his problem be a concern that you seem to be concentrating on any financial benefits of marriage rather than any sort of romantic ideal?

 

I don't want to over-emphasis the the same issue but if he gets that impression he may also be concerned about any financial benefits you would gain in a divorce.

[peanut74]

We are happy & I feel lucky because I found someone that gets me but as for being legal if we were in South Carolina I wouldn't even be posting a message but I'm in North Carolina & they don't recognize "common law". In North Carolina's eyes I'm just a roommate.

[peanut74]

Touche * * * * *cat. I could see why you said that. No disrepect to the man I love but he has nothing for me to gain. For me it has to do with stability, our future, & certain level of commitment to us, pure & simple. Maybe its me, I don't know anymore.

[DN]

We are happy & I feel lucky because I found someone that gets me but as for being legal if we were in South Carolina I wouldn't even be posting a message but I'm in North Carolina & they don't recognize "common law". In North Carolina's eyes I'm just a roommate.

 

Well again I have to ask why you want marriage - because of financial security or what? You have yet to say that you want to marry him because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him and see marriage as a loving commitment. All I see is concern for financial reasons, which is understandable but hardly likely to convince him that you are marrying him because you love him rather than because of what security he can offer.

 

I'm not saying he would marry you in either case but it might explain why he thinks things might change if you did marry.

[NJRon]

Do they recognize Domestic Partnerships in North Carolina? It does seem like you are focusing on the financial security that marriage brings. What are you bringing to the table in that regard? Are you expecting a partnership?

[peanut74]

Well for me the love I feel for him is first & foremost. If I didn't love this man the way I do I wouldn't even be here. My ultimate point is I love you & you love me. No marriage license should change that. I think that the subject is worth further discussion for us both. Thanks for your input.

[DN]

Yes, I think you are right. A frank and open discussion on issues like this is essential. And I don't think you should buy a house together until you have this issue resolved. Good luck and I hope you get what you want.

[peanut74]

Of course our financial future together is a concern to me but in the eyes of the law we're just "shacking up". Quick story. I have a friend that works at the Social Security office. A woman came in the office & wanted to apply for SS benefits for her deceased husband. The couple had been living together for about 30 YEARS & just got married months prior because the man was dying. They only got married because he knew he was dying & wanted her to have something. She wasn't eligible for his benefits because they had not been married for long enough.

 

Now this may sound as if I just want to get married for money (trust me he is not a wealthly man) I love this man for the kind of person that he is & how he treats me. I just think that if we love each other then dagnabit let's put our all into it.

[shyanne]

if your talking about buying a house... lots of people buy a house before being married and consider it an investment. if the relationship doesn't work out, you sell it and both walk away with a profit.

[Momene]

I'm glad that my wife and I both saw marriage as the natural state for us to be in.