I'm feeling so down right now, I hate everything!

[Q10]

Once I was talking with a friend of mine about my dad & how he mistreated me etc. I had a surveillence program setup on my computer just to make sure noone was snooping around my personal files, and I found that my dad opened my chat logs and read my conversations including the one I was talking with my friend about him.. I was telling her about the way he treats me & how much I hated him etc.

 

So I was really pissed I didn't say anything to him but I setup a surveillence program on his computer also, and with the things I found I hated him even more. He was on the internet talking with other women and he had affaires with 1 or 2 I know of. He told them he was married etc. I saw lots of things like these and I hated him even more, I lost all my respect for him. I didn't say anything to anyone fearing I'd cause my family to fall apart.. This continued for a couple of months, every month I hated him more, and then I just removed the surveillence system because I couldn't take it anymore, I felt just plain sick.

 

All the people respect this man, he finished two universities, he was finishing a third one also (as an engineer) but he quit the last year or so because of a conflict with his dad, and he decided to quit university in his last year. Our last fight was a couple of years ago, it was almost a fist fight, we fell on the ground, tackled each other, I kicked him he kicked me etc. I was just about to throw a punch to his face but I realised he's not even worth it.. He beat me when I was a kid (I was a naughty kid), I never backed up from him, I always stood up to him, and always dreamed of the day when he won't have the power to beat me.. And the day has come, in our last fight, I was just about to throw a punch at him, but I told him his not worth it, and told him that he beat me when I was a kid but he can't do it nomore, I'm not a kid anymore and if he tries it ever again I'll flatten his face off.. After that he didn't hit me again, we didn't have anything physical..

 

My parents don't really have any belief in me, I'm in engineering at a university(freshman). I don't know why I got in engineering, it might be because of my family, they always told me I was good at math and physics so I'd be good in engineering.. I don't really like physics but I really don't have anything else to do, I feel like I'm going with the flow.. My dad says he doubts I'll even finish university, he says they'd kick me out. My first semestre wasn't so good, I took some extra courses but they were too hard and I ended up failing a couple, and this semestre, everything's going fine until now, I got my finals this week so I'm stressed. My mom's not much of a help either, she's saying the same things sometimes, they just piss me off..

 

Normally, in our culture, parents pay university. I heard about some government help where they lend you money and you pay them back after the school's done, with a little or none interest at all. So I thought I could take that money from the government to pay for my studies and my dad could use the money he has for my university, to make more money (He builds & sells houses right now) So he could build another house with that money and could make more money, faster. Since he wouldn't be able to get a loan with no interest. My dad really liked the idea, and he wanted me to take the loan.. But he didn't use it to build houses.. And now he's giving me hints that I'll pay for it after I finish university. Today he told my mom that people would've blamed them if I didn't finish high school. But now that I'm in university, noone would blame them if I quit. He's saying he did all he could.. He doesn't even do anything right now, he's saying he builds houses but that's just like one house per year! (He gets them build and sells) Other than that, he's always home, doing somethings on his computer, god knows what, I don't even wanna know. And my mom was a housewife, so she stays at home all the time, so they were together all the time and had fights, so now my mom decided to work since she will be away from the house for a little bit at least.

 

I don't know.. I become really stressed sometimes, I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to do it.. What'll happen if I can't? I have no idea.. I wish I was never born, but because of his selfless acts, I am here. Unfortunately.. I feel so stressed out right now, I got pain all over my stomach, I don't react well to stress

[Daddy Bear]

it sounds to me like you're in transition from being emotionally dependent on your parents to being able to make it on your own. good for you, it's a normal part of life. (so is getting into things that you shouldn't when you're a kid, btw.) my own dad was an alcoholic and did some fully scandalous stuff similar to what you have described in your post. some in my family have held on to their bitterness for many years but after i got my a** away from dad permanently i eventually chose to forgive him. we don't talk much but i think i'm better off for letting my anger go. you may find that the same thing happens to you.

 

the things we worry about generally end up better than we expect them to. as you go through life you will no doubt find people who need you and you will experience many happy times. then you will know for sure that it was a good thing you were born. good luck on your journey, partner .

[hazeleyed]

hi, in my culture parents for my education too but I dunt know if its so much culture. To me its tradition within each household with everyone. I feel that you are confused and mostly hurt because of the things you havr found out. I know its hard but I think you should really try talking to your parents about all this instead of making yourself so stressed. Yes it will be hard, not going to be easy but all good things are tough but when it sover you will clear misunderstandings, misconceptions and perhaps be even tighter with them. I think you really need to talk to your parents and if you dont like engineering quit wasting ur precious life over it and do something that ur really meant to do.

 

your well wisher

[cas28]

Have faith in yourself. Everyone has a purpose in life. You are on the path to independence. Take advantage of it! Sometimes the road can be bumpy....hang in there, and don't lose hope! Think about one day having the chance to care for and provide for your own family in ways your father did not.