can NC during a relationship for a few days jump start romance?

[zara]

i have been in a bit of an unhealthy fighting mode with my long distance boyfriend. i am totally in love with him, and i thought he was with me, but lately its been nothing but bickering and arguing. he says that if things go on like this he is out the door. i found myself just accepting responsibility to prevent arguments. because we are soo far away from each other, i basically usually speak to him on AIM throughout the day. now i am wondering whether i should for the first time ever, stay away from contact for a few days to let things simmer over. but on the other hand i dont him to think i am being really mean rude or immature. i have no idea what to do. lately wen we talok he just seems really busy and keeps me waiting while he does X Y and Z (hes at work when we chat...so i get that-- but its never been like this in the past few months so i cant help but think he loves me less and feel ignored.). any advice??? is the relationship doommedd...

[DN]

Is that mostly what you fight about or are there other issues?

 

I don't think it is usually a good idea to ignore problems and going NC is not only ignoring them but making them worse.

[zara]

well there are other issues. the last time i fell in love, i ws very badly mistreated by my ex. we were happy for years, and then basically we had a few arguments (like the present ones i am having with my bf) that ended that happiness. i thought it was all his fault-- as he said and did some really bad things. but now i am seeing arguments with my present bf who doesnt fight with anyone ever, and i cant help but totally blame myself. i find myself apologising constantly after we fight and accepting responsibiltiy to appease him, just as i did with my ex. and i have lost my appetite and my ability to sleep soundly. or work productively. im not sure what to do, but a part of me wants to just not repeat what happened last time. history seems to repeat itself until u have learnt ur lesson. but what was the lesson last time i was in love? am i just choosing the wrong kinds of people? subsequent to my first lovei had other bfs and we never fought. it seems i fight with only the boys i love. why????

[DN]

It sounds as if this is more about issues you have with yourself than issues you have with him. Have you sought counseling?

[zara]

no i havent sought counselling...i mean i dont think i need counselling. yes its possible i am self sabotaging my relationships. but thats only because i was pretty scarred the first time i fell in love, and that lasted for a couple years. i am perfectly happy now. i guess i am insecure abt love tho. i was fine with my bf until i realised how much i loved him and freaked out. i guess it was the thought that maybe i might make him fall out of love with me that has scared me most. even tho i know he cares.

[Beyondthesea]

Regardless of if it is you or him sabotaging the relationship, having a few days to yourselves won't hurt. But you should definitely be seeking counseling. Even the most loving relationship can be torn to pieces by unresolved issues.

[Bethany]

Time out.

 

Take a few days to settle your emotions and to think more clearly. Bickering is usually because one of you doesn't feel like other is listening or doesn't understand their frustrations.

It's not the words very often, it's the stress and pent up emotions behind the words that is important and you should take this time out to find out deep inside you to the real problem.

 

I think you should seriously think about not talking throughout the day and arranging a time where you can both talk on a more intimate level, you will feel more wanted and more able to talk about your needs. Try this for a few weeks, it will give you both something to look forward to instead of taking each other for granted.

 

Maybe you just need to be together in person, who knows? But while you continue to argue and not take time out to center yourself and think about what going wrong, it's going to a long time before you will want to meet up again..

[Momene]

Is there any way you can arrange a few days off work or study to see each other in person? Sometimes when I'm away on business and talk on the phone to my wife, small things get blown up out of proportion. I've never done long distance and think it must be very hard.

[zara]

yes definitely, seeing him would prevent arguments i guess but unfortunately im sooo busy with work for the next few weeks, as is he. yesterday we talked on the phone...and it was a little weird...he basically said that he is sure he loves me but not so convinced we would work long term. i told him that i would prefer if we just ended it if he really doesnt think its gonna go anywhere with us now. he said hes not sure about that yet. but he has not been online today like he always is...and it seems like he is growing more distant. i have a good mind to just totally break it off...nicely of course. im just starting to get fed up...

[Momene]

Got a feeling it's the long distance bit that is the problem, not you and him.