Cultural differences

[PrincessNiki]

Hmmm... well to start off. Hi. I'm very new to eNotAlone, this is my first post. I'm in a serious relationship with a east indian guy and he's great. I really have deep feelings for him. The only thing is, we have a lot of things that we have different views on and it's a bit much. The main one is his feelings on me going out with my girlfriends. I'm not allowed to go to clubs, and am only allowed at one bar (he says he knows it safe for me there). At first I had no problem with this but now since my friends spend every weekend there, I'm a little left out. I don't have much friends so these ones who are going to the clubs/bars are the only chance i get to go out without him. By the way, he can go wherever he wants. Please dont reply bashing on him because he really isnt a bad person. He says that I'm not allowed to these places because he's protecting me, and I believe it. And none of his friends (east indian ones) let their girlfriends do the things im restricted from either. But I'm a young woman and I'd really like to expirience the things my friends do. I'm not saying this because i want to be like everyone else. If anyone could help me out with this I'd be very grateful.

Thank you

[robowarrior]

Quit kidding yourself and apply the word 'control' freak on him. He's using a 'double' standard, if i where you i wouldn't allow him to go out because you are 'protecting him' ,and if he says he doesn't need protection then you say' neither do i '

 

Dump this mess of double standards , show you have a free will of your own. Its your life you can stand and go wherever the hell you want.

[FoxLocke]

How can we really help you if you are defending his behavior? In one instance you speak of his controlling(which it seems like)behavior, and then in the next instant you ask us not to bash him?

 

I think you should tell him that you are from a completely different culture. Being kept from going to certain places and saying certain things is not the way you were raised(I presume).

And if he loves and respects you he will allow you to be you. If not then perhaps you should think about reevaluating the relationship.

[Dako]

To expect to move to another country and retain your cultural differences seems like a noble concept only if you don't expect the locals to go along with it. I had a Vietnamese friend who expected similar things of his Irish Catholic bride. He had to accept that she had her own life to live. It was very hard on them both.

 

This guy might feel he's protecting you, but if it stresses you, you'll resent it, won't you?

[vesper]

It's NOT a cultural issue here it is a CONTROL issue. My SO is caucasian and he would also have a problem with me going out by myself to clubs and such because he was TRULY worried about my well-being. I am actually a little bit disappointed that you guys are attributing this to a cultural issue which it is not at all.

 

In your case PrincessNiki, look at this as a disagreement on yours and his point of view on how this relationship works. If you want to go out by yourself you have every right to and if he is not willing to support you then you should dump him.

[Dako]

Apparently she sees it as a cultural issue, and titled it as such. Perhaps he presents it to her that way, whether it's a control matter or not.

Either way, over time she has to decide if it's acceptable to her.

To me, a woman's place is wherever she wants.

[vesper]

Dako - I respect the posters view on what is the source of this problem and to her it is a cultural one. fine.

 

 

I guess its just one my own personal pet peeves when people attribute someone's behaviour to their culture and not that person's individual personality as a human being. When we label people as 'east indian' 'vietnamese' 'irish catholic' 'caucasion' ..... automatically those adjetives are supposed to explain everything about a person. To me all they do is fuel stereotypes.

 

I am just overly sensitive because I am of specific 'cultural' descent and I feel like someone is drilling a knife through my heart when they think they know who I am or how I behave because they know my cultural heritage.

 

It is de-humanizing.

[Dako]

I see your point. I live with a Japanese lady who raises an eyebrow when I'm culturally stupid.

[Skippy]

ok.. it is a culural issue.

People here would say it is a control issue but i'll probably bet that most ppl here giving you the advice have not been in a inter racial relatonship even less been in true contact with other races.

I understand your problem and this is something that you have to understand with mixed relationships.

 

He is dong what ordinary asian guy would do, and that is controlling a situation to protect the ones we love.

It might seem really stupid to the western where our freedom is being compromised but in the eastern world it is just natural that we want the ppl that we love to be safe and it is the other person responsibility to make our loved ones know that we will do something safe not to cause trouble. I dont know how to explain this beter, but in eastern culture giving up your fredom for the ones we love isnt a big deal, because freedom/ space is different to asians.

 

Yes iti s control, but it is a cultural thing.

There is a HUGE divide between eastern and western cultures. No doubt that the eastern society is taking up the western way of life, but thruth to be said, the western society can be ignorant and stuborn to acept the eastern society. Open your eyes and realise that there is more then one way to be in a relationship.

 

It isnt easy to be in a mixed relationship, you have to open your minds and accept each other culture and then make OUR own formula thatwill make your relationship work. The usual western relationship OR eastern relationship doesnt apply to you anymore. You have to formulate something that works for BOTH of you and your beliefs.

[dontknowwhattodo]

I know of a couple who have this very same issue. They both are indian. The husband doesn't let the wife go to clubs/bars with firends or even a shopping mall by herself. She one time managed to go to a shopping mall with me and her husband called like 10 times. I asked her about it and she was fine with the calls as long as she could do what she preferred (e.g., go shopping). So, I think you should live your life but compromize with him. If he genuinely is worried about your well being, how about calling to check in with him once in a while while you are out. And you can also assure him that you go out with friends to places that are safe. Or you can even invite him to go with you.

[Skippy]

rae. This is one point that both of us disagree on.

I supose to me stereo typing isnt a bad thing. It is choice to whether you choose to have negative stereo typing or positive stereo typing.

 

Most asain family takes their shoes off when entering the house. That is a stereo type. But knowing it, and taking your shoes off without being asked to is purely consideraton to other peoples culture.

[kristo]

rae. This is one point that both of us disagree on. :smile:

I supose to me stereo typing isnt a bad thing. It is choice to whether you choose to have negative stereo typing or positive stereo typing.

 

 

With due respect, I would argue that any type of stereotype is bad and similarly dehumanising.

 

For example, one could say that Asian people are generally intelligent, in which I suspect that you would call positive stereotyping and a desirable trait.

 

This can have the effect of reducing the hard work and personal achievement that an individual has put into achieving a high grade/ success, as something based on their race or culture. It totally ignores the diversity and individuality or a person.

 

However, to blindly accept that stereotyping can be favourable when deemed good in the eyes of the person stereotyping is ignorant. To accept stereotyping simply means that one doesn't have the critical thought or desire to challenge preconcieved views about groups of people, simply accepting what one has learned through the media or through limited social experience.

[Skippy]

kisto.

let me clearify myself... i didnt say stereo type and not learn.

What i mean is stereo typing a culture and then learning more about it from from individul to individual.

I didnt mean or says that we should stereo type and then choose to not learn further . I just mean that positive stereo typing is a good starting point.

It is funny to me that everyon in here get all worked up about be an individual.

Unfortunately like it or not, humans are not truly individuals we have "pack" characteristic, and thus stereo typing occurs .. like it or not, deny it or not that is a fact. We have individual traites, but we have general traits too, and these general traits are basically called stereo typing.

[kristo]

Thanks for clarifying that.

 

However, I still think, whether one assigns people to groups is done with the intention of discriminating against or helping someone, classifying individuals based on the color of their skin or their parentage conflicts with the individualist idea that each person is unique. People's beliefs and behavior are not determined by such superficial traits as ethnicity or language, and to assume that they are can only lead to misunderstanding. Individual personalities, desires, and habits are the result of an enormous number of different influences and people shortchange others when they try to reduce them to simply a sample of a larger group.

 

It is funny to me that everyon in here get all worked up about be an individual.

 

It is not very funny when you are not part of the larger group or the 'norm' and you get stereotyped/ labelled habitually. It can be quite tiring and annoying when someone assumes you represent the traits or stereotypes of a particular group, looking beyond you as an individual, whether or not the intention was good or not.

 

Yes, it is a fact that stereotyping does occur through collectivist thinking, and I wholly agree that predominating attitudes and behaviour can characterize a certain culture. But to begin from the position of stereotyping someone, even from a good point of view (although the individual being stereotyped might not see it that way) can be damaging without intent.

[OceanEyes]

You say this:

 

Please dont reply bashing on him because he really isnt a bad person. He says that I'm not allowed to these places because he's protecting me, and I believe it.

Okay, so in saying this, it doesn't seem like you're really all that bothered by his limitations on your social life.

 

Then you say this:

 

But I'm a young woman and I'd really like to expirience the things my friends do.

Well, yeah! PLEASE don't let a man tell you what you can and can't do. This is NOT East India. If you went there to live, I could understand that there would be different expectations of you as a woman. You have been raised differently, with different social and cultural "norms" that are unlike his.

 

You should NOT be expected to adopt his cultural/ religious beliefs unless you really want to. Do you really want to be the "happy housewife" who is educated, and works to earn her own money, yet still ask to ask her husband's permission to leave her house?

 

I'm sorry, but I don't buy into the whole "it's about your well-being" nonsense. Us American/ Canadian women have been taking care of ourselves for a very long time now. It's very rare that I don't feel safe going somewhere without a 'male escort'. Give me a break! It's probably just the way I was raised, but if a man - any man - told that I 'couldn't' go somewhere because HE said so, I go anyway just to make him mad. Guess I wouldn't make a very good wife.

[Skippy]

in the end... the 'normal' rule book has to be thrown out for your relationship. your relationship is when east meets west. Your relationship is yours to work out because most people here just havent been in your situation. you have to believe in what you think is important and both of you have to communcate that.

[Spugly Fuglet]

My wife is Chinese it can be hard some times, we had some problems but you have to talk them throw, but what I think he's doing is aplying his cultural rules in the wrong cultural setting. There is an old saying

 

"When in Rome do as the Romans"

[Skippy]

OceanEyes...

"This is NOT East India"

from your post i gather that if he is in the US or Canada he should give up is Cultural hertitage?

I feel that it is ignorant to make a statement like that.

 

I agree with you that she should have a choice on what she wants to do though, but making a choice to be with this asian man she will have to consider his cultural background. Saying "IN america we women can do this or that", well i say.. "so what", most everyone can do most anything they want, it is our choices that we make that causes us to make sacrifics.

[OceanEyes]

OceanEyes...

"This is NOT East India"

from your post i gather that if he is in the US or Canada he should give up is Cultural hertitage?

I feel that it is ignorant to make a statement like that.

 

Sorry if you found what I said ignorant. That wasn't my intention.

 

But ... this isn't East India. I would never suggest that anyone of any ethnicity give up their traditions or their culture, but they should also not expect other people to adopt theirs if they don't want to. My dad was straight from Czechoslovakia, so believe me, I understand how important it is to maintain traditions. However, you just can't expect people from other cultural backgrounds to follow yours if they've been raised differently; with different beliefs and values, different ideals and expectations, and drastically different traditions.

 

If a woman chooses to live how her man wants her to, then fine! But this woman obviously feels limitations on her freedom, and it obviously doesn't feel right to her.

 

PrincessNiki: How is everything going? Did you two come to an understanding? Just wondering whether or not you've managed to work something out.