So called "Nice Guy" Syndrome

[monsieur]

and actually, the girl that I am friendzoned by right now is using me like crazy, she invites me over gets me to do things for her all the time but doesn't give much back emotionally

 

I am so weak and emotionally weak, I am starting to worry about my health due to stress like the tied up stomach feeling I have throughout most every day lately.

[heythere1234]

True this might be the most honest i have seen any woman!

 

Thank you ! I will take that as a high compliment!

[heythere1234]

and actually, the girl that I am friendzoned by right now is using me like crazy, she invites me over gets me to do things for her all the time but doesn't give much back emotionally

 

I am so weak and emotionally weak, I am starting to worry about my health due to stress like the tied up stomach feeling I have throughout most every day lately.

 

Well you might want to try growing a spine and stop being such a marter/ victim.... just a thought!

[tylercdurden2004]

Thank you ! I will take that as a high compliment!

 

You should and I will be going to bed feeling refreshed tonight!

[mystik]

Maybe you're going for the wrong type of girls?

[monsieur]

I agree that I have a defeatist attitude, and I am for real, I am currently in an ongoing 'defeat', I am in love and there appears to be no hope, it is my own fault totally too, that is what makes it even more depressing. Moving on won't solve it either, as I am still me, and trying again will result in failure again. I am still holding out a withering hope to repair things that my poor personality has betrayed me to.

[heythere1234]

Maybe you're going for the wrong type of girls?

 

Sorry, but I kind of doubt that is his problem.

[heythere1234]

You should and I will be going to bed feeling refreshed tonight!

 

Bite the Bedbugs!

[monsieur]

Well in my past I have mostly had the most luck with girls that are socially inept and unconfident themselves, but it ended up resulting in poor relationships.

 

The girl I am head over heels right now I guess may be out of my league, as she has alot of friends and is confident in herself. She really liked me to start too, she pretty much pursued me and said I was really cute, but I messed it up by being too stiff and rigid and nervous and shy. It hurts to learn your shortcomings are so great that they will hamper your attempts to have a fulfilling relationship in life.

[tylercdurden2004]

and actually, the girl that I am friendzoned by right now is using me like crazy, she invites me over gets me to do things for her all the time but doesn't give much back emotionally

 

I am so weak and emotionally weak, I am starting to worry about my health due to stress like the tied up stomach feeling I have throughout most every day lately.

 

Mate I know you have been told all this before in other posts so its no news to you. You have completed step one in the right direction which is understanding and admitting what you feel is holding back. Step two is to start finding ways to over come this. What is causing you your anguish is is all behavioural and not personality based. If you dont believe me go and read a ton of psych books and come back in 2 months, which really is maybe what should happen. You need to change your behaviors. Your behaviours are what is pathetic, not yourself. Only you can make that effort, and trust me you are not unique, everyman has been there are some part.

[heythere1234]

look, monsuer I am telling you for sure! you MUST move on. it's not gonna work this way. If you move on and just remain friendly/ cordial in passing with her (don't act like a bitter jerk!), she MAY want you back in a boyfriend way. Or she may not. But you MUST move on.

 

And FOR SURE, NO woman wants a guy whos puppy lovin' someone else. So don't go around tellin' other girls how you're still sloppy pining for this other chick, dig it?

[tylercdurden2004]

Bite the Bedbugs!

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

[monsieur]

thanks for the post tyler, I reread it a few times and it is giving me cause to do some thinking, Im not sure I understand exactly what yet, but I am intrigued

[heythere1234]

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

 

it's all good! lol!

[heythere1234]

Step to it monseur, he is right.

[itsallgrand]

monsier,

 

The bottom line is: You need to work out your self confidence and other issues first. It must be done, and it is important if you ever want to be happy.

You can do it. You must consciously choose to do everything you possibly can to make it better, and work work work until it is done.

 

The relationship stuff will come much more easily after that. You will not gravitate or attract people that will use you. You will have a clear head to see who is and who is not manipulating; and you won't manipulate nearly as much yourself.

 

You can start fresh. If you want to.

Good luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Think I need to start a new thread titled "In love with Two girls...Please Help Me Choose". Thanks girls.

[mystik]

Sorry, but I kind of doubt that is his problem.

 

No, I don't think that's his major problem either. It's definitely a self-esteem, awkward thing... I just meant because he's going after a girl who continues to use him to do things for her, when she knows he is infatuated with her.

 

Everyone on here is right monsieur... It's not your niceness that is preventing you from getting girls. You said it yourself, it was because you were too "stiff, rigid, shy." Especially if she's that outgoing, pursuing kind of girl, she's not going to want to be in relationship with someone who makes her feel awkward and uncomfortable. No matter how nice you are, it's not going to get a girl to stick around. There are plenty of guys out there who are nice, but confident too...they're the ones getting the girls.

[mystik]

If you don't think you're good enough for her, why should she?

[heythere1234]

Tyler-you rougue you!

 

Mistik is right, monseur, you need to deal with you. And not trying to be cruel to you, but I advise you to PLEASE STOP harping on about how "NICE" you (think) you are. That alone would drive me away.

 

Here's a hint: people who are smart don't go around saying how smart they are.

 

people who are sexy don't go around saying how sexy they are.

 

people who are nice....don't go around saying how very, very, nice they really are, get it?

[monsieur]

thanks for the advice

 

I don't actually go around saying that, but I do go around being overly nice maybe, I feel so unworthy that I try to compensate by being extra nice to hope it makes up for my boringness or whatever.

[heythere1234]

well, stop feeling unworthy, then! Done deal?

[heythere1234]

I must hit the proverbial hay, night all!

[MrDraw]

So heythere1234, what about "nice-girls"...???

It's so easy to sitdown with your mother and discus "nice-guys".

Girl talk about guys, always in favour of the girl(s) offcourse.

Your mother is one a kind offcourse, saying: "Oh my sweet little girl, you're absolutley right, there's no such thing as a nice-guy.

 

Oh please it's disgusting.

It works the other way around to you know.

There a lot of "nice-girls" too.

 

So, fellas, if you're one who's been told "you're nice, but..." A LOT, you should stop complaining that women don't like nice guys, because I can assure you that we in fact do! The reality is probably that you are NOT nice.

It makes me sick that you can really say that a so called "nice-guy" isn't nice. So on this statement of yours, if a guy tells you that you're a really nice girl, but... is in fact saying that you're a little b..ch.

We'll that would be something wouldn't it..??!!

In this perspective you're not so pleased with your statement, I think.

 

"You're a nice guy, but...". Look, maybe the guy is really a bitter angry creep, and not a nice guy at all. But she's not going to tell him so, because of her aforementioned fear of him turning into a crazy angry bitter stalker.

So in this perspective a nice-girl is expected to be a creep or stalker too.

 

So let me ask you this, your ex-BF told you he thought you were a nice girl, but..., he wanted to break up with you. Het offcourse said your a nice girl because he was very affraid of you turning into the little b..ch he thought you would likely turn out to be, when he would end the relatationship with you.

And offcourse (read your statement) you were a B..ch about it 'couse guys are... insn't that so..?!

 

Perhaps your statement isn't as straight-forward as you're implying.

Perhaps it would be better to refer to guys as well as girls on such subjects.

 

(This isn't directed to anyone of you necessarily, but you may want to keep this in mind when you do hear a guy complain that he's "Too nice...").

But nothing personal offcourse, I just reflected my thoughts about this subject.

(This isn't directed to anyone of you necessarily, but you may want to keep this in mind when you do hear a GIRL complain that she's "Too nice...").

[Boricua7]

Wow MrDraw, someone's angry! It's already been established that this subject should be considered for both men and women alike. Try not to post something out of anger. You may not have intended it, but your post screams "I don't like what you said so that makes what you said wrong!"

 

I think what she is trying to say is that being called "a nice guy" does not necissarily mean that one genuinely feels that the guy they are saying it to is "nice", they are just saying that because a) they have no reason to think otherwise (...yet...) and b) to reduce the pain from the blow the guy is about to receive.

 

I personally think if you say "you're a nice guy but..." chances are, the guy IS nice. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel so bad in dumping them, now would you? I've never used the whole "please don't turn into a creepy stalker" thing as a motive for telling a guy he's nice. Keep in mind, nice or not, if a guy has the potential to go into creepy stalker mode he probably will no matter what you say. Telling him he's "nice" probably won't do you any good. That might piss some guys off, especially when they know you're just throwing the word around. Lying to someone is more likely to trigger stalkerish behavior than being honest with them is. Women: how many times do you get a little upset when you ask someone how you look and they kind of smile half-assed and say that you look "nice". You know you're being lied to. Guys aren't stupid either. When you pat them on the shoulder and say "Oh but you're a nice guy" they know you're BSing out of your a-hole.

 

I've never told a guy that he's "nice" while rejecting him. I think you're kind of leading them on in sense by doing that. He may think "Oh well she thinks I'm nice, maybe if I bring her flowers or show up at her house to take her to work she'll have second thoughts". I think telling a guy he's nice might just provoke the creepy stalker guy behavior more than it would prevent it. I just tell the guy straight up, "Sorry, it's nothing against you, but I'm not interested". Is that so hard to do?

 

I too hate guys who use the whole "nice guys (like me) finish last" ploy to get you to sympathize for them. It's not like any woman has ever responded with "Oh you're so sweet. So, you wanna do it?" I feel like, although there are guys who are nice and do feel they finish last, most guys use it to try to get you to let your guard down and to give you a false understanding of who they are. This is definitely not the kind of person I want to be around. I especially hate the guys who come up to you all tough and arrogant and are like "Hey ma can I get them digits" and are total sleezebags but then later on try to convince you that they are nice guys. I'm sorry but coming up to me and slapping my butt to then tell me you're really a nice guy when I show that I do not approve won't do you any good. I may be young but I wasn't born yesterday.

 

Guys who are so nice it's cheesy seem fake to me, like they're hiding something. I personally prefer a guy who can be a jerk (but not to me and not in the sense where that IS his personality). I'm not saying I want a guy who is a jerk as opposed to a guy who is nice. No no no, not at all! I like guys who CAN be jerks when justified. For example, if you're a jerk to a guy who just called your girlfriend the ugliest thing he'd ever seen, that's justified. If you're a jerk to a guy simply because the girl you were talking to prefers to talk to him, that's unjustified. What I'm trying to say is that I don't want a guy who is so nice that he won't stand up for himself (I'm sure many women agree). I find that pathetic and, to be honest, you've lost my respect if you allow yourself to be pushed around or taken advantage of because you want to be nice. That's just not something I find attractive in anyone, male or female.