feels like my strength is slipping, i'm afraid i am going to break NC.

[deejay74]

i don't know why, but everytime i post on here about myself and what i am going through lately, i feel weak or kind of foolish because i am still trying to get over a break up that happened a little over 3 months ago and the relationship only lasted 6 months. i guess i am a little surprised that i am still dealing with it.

 

well, i posted on here a few days ago and said last friday was a milestone for me in a couple of ways: 1. it was exactly 3 months since the break up and 2. it was/is exaclty 1 month of NC, the longest i've gone without speaking to my ex. also, i haven't checked her myspace/friendster profiles in over a week and now i am actually afraid to in case i see some things that may hurt me.

 

this past week i have been feeling kind of lonely, frustrated, and the thoughts and feelings of missing my ex have increased. i've been doing so well up until last friday - i was feeling better about myself and my future without my ex, my self-esteem was getting better, i dated a girl briefly and even though there really was no connection, it definitely helped a little bit in moving on and it was a distraction from thinking about my ex (on a side note, my ex is not the last person i've slept with). i've been doing everything i could to help me get over this and i had some major relapses, but they were weeks ago. i am not saying this is a relapse - a regression perhaps - but no relapse. i am just really frustrated about how long i've been dealing with the sadness, the missing, the disappointments, the frustration, the lonliness, etc, etc, etc...

 

i have especially been thinking about contacting my ex. i know i shouldn't, and for the most part, i have had the strength not to because i know what would probably happen - either she won't answer or she will once again get upset that i called. i have even thought about sending her an email, similar to what sukerbut had posted lately.

 

i also have been thinking a lot about the course of events that happened after the break up. i have to admit, my ex was actually cordial to me directly after the break up and up until that incident at the art gallery, but to my defence, she was being indifferent, never asked me anything about me, and said all she cared about was herself BEFORE i pressed her about seeing that guy ben after me when we were at the art gallery. that part was my fault because i kept on pressing her until she got upset and told me to leave.

 

the 2 times i ran into her i felt i handled both situations well, then i had to call her the friday after i ran into her the 2nd time. that's when all hell broke loose and she is the one who got upset first and we both said things to hurt each other. at first she said for me to never contact her again and then i managed to get her to say not to talk to her for a while.

 

so, i have blamed myself for how things ended, if you really think about it, it really was me who pushed this "relationship" too far and i *still* feel terrible about it. i never wanted to have things end this way and i am really feeling the desire to contact her and to make amends, even if we still aren't going to be friends. i really would like to be friends with her, but i don't even know if she hates me or how she feels about me. i have made a fool out of myself a couple of times after the break up but i know my ex, and i know she does have a heart and has the ability to forgive and/or understand my mistakes but i guess she doesn't feel like doing so, which i don't know why.

 

this week was her best friend's wedding and i was supposed to go with her had we not split up. i think she's still there and i have been thinking a lot about if she went with someone else.

 

she's going to london next month and may not return. i am really scared that i'll never see her again.

 

i know what she's done to me since the break up and i acted like a fool too. i know what consequences may arise if i try to contact her either by phone or electronic means, but this week i have really been feeling that desire to reach out to her.

 

in fairness, all you guys know about her is what i've posted, which mostly are negative things. there are many positives about my ex that i miss and that no other girl i've dated had. i miss her still and not a day has gone by when i haven't thought about her or our break up since it happened. even in the short time since we split, i have changed and i can sense it and am aware of my different perception of myself and my thoughts. i am also aware of the mistakes i made in the relationship and i really wish there was some way i could show and/or tell my ex that i have changed. yes, there is still some part of me that wants her back but during this time apart, i have learned to just realize it may never happen and deal with lingering desire to get her back. i still wonder what she is doing and if she misses me or thinks about me and i get sad when i wonder these things. i have been doing my best to stay in the present and not dwell too much on the past or future and i have been getting better, but what's funny is i sometimes think "what is my ex doing right now?".

 

anyway, sorry for this long post, i just really need an outlet right now. as i said, this week has been tough and right now, i haven't felt any different but at least i haven't gotten worse.

[thegoodgirl04]

Keep your chin up! I know it's hard, I'm going through it too, we all have to stick together right!? DO NOT CONTACT HER, it will only make you feel worse and prolong it. YOU CAN DO IT!! Go out for a walk, heck even run, do something, just don't contact!!

[bobo85]

listen !!!!!!

 

Do not break NC. Yes you will feel good for a few hours but after that you will go back to square one of the healing process. Then your going to have to start NC all over.

 

Its different if she calls you and you break NC, but NEVER call her to break NC unless its an emergency.

 

Even if she does call you, don't pick up. If its important then she will leave a message.

[Dako]

Give it three more months, and you'll be free.

You've suffered enough, don't go back into worse misery.

 

It doesn't matter how long you were with her, it takes a long time to get over a broken heart. Don't fall into a trap of thinking you should recover faster than those coming off a longer relationship. That's total crap.

Falling in love only takes a short time to happen, but a long time to recover from.

[Diggitydave]

dude, right now the wound is pulsating and pussing all over the place, but guess what, that means it's healing. it feels like crap right now, it's barely scabbing, filled with puss, and torturing you but guess what. YOURE HEALING!

 

 

Don't call. if you do i'll smack u

[Diggitydave]

i like what the other guy said too. Don't give yourself some weird time frame to heal based on what others say or whatever. YOU ARE YOU. if it takes YOU a day or a MONTH or a year to heal thats you.

[Meeky]

Don't break NC. I agree with all the others. If SHE breaks the no contact, okay, but don't be the first.

 

I hear you, and how you are feeling. I was feeling similar today. Wondering WHY it is taking me so long to make some progress (have been broken up two weeks), and after two strong days, today I was back to wanting to contact him.

 

The thing is, if you contact her, you would have let her "win". Think of it that way. If she never hears from you, she doesn't know you are upset, that you think about her all the time, that you miss her. But if you contact her, that will all come spilling out, and she will be in control again.

 

I know you want to be friends and want to show her that you have changed. But I personally don't think you can be friends for a VERY long time afterwards, if at all.

 

Stay strong, think only of YOURSELF, and remember, YOU deserve better!

[deejay74]

hey thanks guys for all your support. i know that i shouldn't contact my ex but i think what's happening is that this has been the longest i've gone without seeing or speaking to my ex since the break up.

 

this friday is will be 5 weeks of strict NC and i am really feeling this withdrawal. the good thing is, i *think* i will be strong enough to stop myself when i get the urge.

 

it's just a little disappointing and frustrating when i feel like i was getting so much better and stronger, and ever since i made it over the "hump" from last friday, i have been feeling kind of weaker and really feeling the desire to reach out again and contact my ex. i also think the realization that i may never see or speak to her again is hitting me once more.

 

i know i just have to keep pressing on but it's actually getting a little bit harder.

 

again, thanks for the support.