Hot and Cold

[OceanEyes]

You two seem a bit incompatible. And, I'm definitely not saying that you can't make it work. However, right now it seems that you're grasping for more than what she's willing to give you. This may change over time, and it may not. It doesn't really seem that you two know each other well enough to determine that.

 

If you haven't been dating for that long, then you can't really expect her to give up the order and structure of her life to accommodate all of your needs. If she's used to being independent and having her own schedule, then it may be a bigger challenge than you think for her to change her ways. It could be that she does really enjoy your company and the time you spend together, but that she's fighting a natural urge to control every aspect of her own life.

 

When I first met my boyfriend, things were much different than they are now. Over time, we really grew on each other and learned a lot about each other. It didn't happen overnight, and took over a year to really make it work well for both of us (and we still have moments of doubt and confusion).

 

Don't cheat on someone out of spite. It's insanely immature and you really never know whether or not this girl is actually worth the extra effort. She may end up opening up to you and being your intellectual, mental, emotional, and physical equal.

[Jason333]

Thanks for your wonderful input, OceanEyes.

 

If you haven't been dating for that long, then you can't really expect her to give up the order and structure of her life to accommodate all of your needs. If she's used to being independent and having her own schedule, then it may be a bigger challenge than you think for her to change her ways.

 

We haven't been dating for long, but I thought girls would usually give up time for their boyfriends. Of course that's my expectation and she's obviously not the typical clingy girl -- that's why I'm disappointed. It may take her a while for her to sink in. That's what I hope at least.

 

It could be that she does really enjoy your company and the time you spend together, but that she's fighting a natural urge to control every aspect of her own life.

 

This can be true also, because she did say she wanted and enjoy spending time with me. You could be right that she's probably fighting a natural urge to control every aspect of her own life.

 

When I first met my boyfriend, things were much different than they are now. Over time, we really grew on each other and learned a lot about each other. It didn't happen overnight, and took over a year to really make it work well for both of us (and we still have moments of doubt and confusion).

 

I hope that over time, things will be better and we grow together like in your relationship.

 

Don't cheat on someone out of spite. It's insanely immature and you really never know whether or not this girl is actually worth the extra effort. She may end up opening up to you and being your intellectual, mental, emotional, and physical equal.

 

No, I don't want to cheat. I was merely just saying that I need to loosen my focus on her until I can get some reassurance she's ready for me. If she does end up opening up to me, that will be great, and with all my heart, I can tell you that I honestly would be so happy to see that.

[Momene]

A fresh insight, having seen the "exclusivity" bit, is that this early in the relationship (and indeed in many eyes, it would be seen as too early to call it that), she may well have unfinished business with someone else. I'm not saying it's definite but it's a possibility. Many people see how the new guy works out before dumping the old. I'm not proud of it but I've often started dating girls before dumping the existing one.

 

Again, she may not yet regard you as exclusive either. Must you have the "talk" or can you assume after dating so many weeks, days hours and minutes, you are 'exclusive'? The rule seems to be that there are no rules but I remember one ex-girlfriend saying "you're mine now" after the first date!

 

Good thing I wanted a second date!

[ves]

Even though you should ignore its Christian overtones if you're not religious, and the advice should probably be taken generally not specifically (like most self-help books), may I suggest this book:

 

link removed

 

From a review: "Often, we tend to give love in the languages we are most fluent in, which usually ends up being the languages that fill up our love tank. This would be why a husband who does yard work, dishes, car maintenance, etc. (Acts of Service) is floored when his wife says "You never show me you love me. You never cuddle with me, or caress my hair, or make the first move for sex." (Physical Touch). Or, "Why don't you spend time with me? Why do you work so much?" (Quality Time). And, "Why don't you buy me flowers? Why don't you ever get me cards or balloons...just because?" (Gifts) Or "You never tell me what I mean to you. Why don't you ever share with me what I mean to you, or what my good qualities are?" (Words of Affirmation) But, if her language is primarily Acts of Service, she'll feel so loved and honored because her husband does so many things for her, and thus feels "full" in her love tank."

 

You sound like you need Quality Time in order to feel fulfilled in a relationship. Maybe she needs Acts of Service or Physical Touch? I'm a really independent person (bought my own condo at 24, went to college far away, etc) and I tend towards Acts of Service - I appreciate a guy help me with something more than one who tells me he loves me every five minutes (although that's nice, too).

 

Please try to figure her out before you cross her off - I don't think there's necessarily fundamental flaws here. Maybe if she understands you need Quality Time to feel loved, she can better serve that need?

[Jason333]

I do provide a lot of Acts of Service. I accompany her to airports, train stations, take her home, help her carry heavy items like TV, etc. She tells me she appreciates all those, and every time I perform an act of service, she seems to show me more feelings. However, there may be times I may not be "working" for her, and I don't want to become her slave. I don't mind helping her with her goals and duties, but there are times I like to be able to just sit down with her and do nothing and have her realize me for who I am.

[Juha]

If I had to be fit into her schedule then she is not that interested in you...

 

I would not want to be treated like a client and scheduled in...

 

I would say when you want to know give me a call...

[Momene]

If I had to be fit into her schedule then she is not that interested in you...

 

I would not want to be treated like a client and scheduled in...

 

I would say when you want to know give me a call...

 

In general, I agree, but this is still an early stage of the relationship. Many people would say it's not even fully-fledged yet. I'd certainly give it time.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

If I had to be fit into her schedule then she is not that interested in you...

 

I would not want to be treated like a client and scheduled in...

 

I would say when you want to know give me a call...

 

What do you mean by that? I don't think it's remotely unreasonable that when you've just barely begun seeing someone each person needs to fit a date into their schedule. People who don't respect the schedules of others are also people who don't respect others. Are you saying you expect the other person to drop all their plans and come running to your beck and call? Or what?

[OceanEyes]

However, there may be times I may not be "working" for her, and I don't want to become her slave. I don't mind helping her with her goals and duties, but there are times I like to be able to just sit down with her and do nothing and have her realize me for who I am.

 

Well, I doubt that she would ever see you as her slave, lol

 

I find this a cute idea, because my boyfriend is really big on these 'acts of service'. I believe that he truly enjoys doing these things, and I appreciate them immensely. He's helped me with everything from moving out of two apartments (even borrowing his parent's van to help), to insisting that he get up with me in the mornings to drive me to the train station for work.

 

One question: what's her relationship with her family like? Are her parents still together? I'm asking because my mother basically wore the pants in my parents relationship; she was an incredibly strong woman and made it on her own for 15 years without any support from a man. Could this be the case with your girlfriend?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Ocean Eyes from what you said yours sounds like a keeper.

[Jason333]

Well, I doubt that she would ever see you as her slave, lol

 

I find this a cute idea, because my boyfriend is really big on these 'acts of service'. I believe that he truly enjoys doing these things, and I appreciate them immensely. He's helped me with everything from moving out of two apartments (even borrowing his parent's van to help), to insisting that he get up with me in the mornings to drive me to the train station for work.

 

One question: what's her relationship with her family like? Are her parents still together? I'm asking because my mother basically wore the pants in my parents relationship; she was an incredibly strong woman and made it on her own for 15 years without any support from a man. Could this be the case with your girlfriend?

 

I see where you're going with the family question. My ex-gf had a big issue with commitment because her parents had a divorce when she was a child, so she sorta lost faith early on. My current gf's parents are still together, so that's not the underlying issue. She blames it on her strict parents, and that's why she was rebellious as a teen. And because she was the middle child, she calims she never had a chance to get what she wanted, so now she's focusing on herself, and that's the reason for her to be self-centered.

 

She just sent me an email saying that she's been sad a lot and complained that over the weekend that I didn't listen to her. It was a misunderstanding. So today, I replied back and explained to her that I'm always here for her and called her up. But she didn't say much on the phone. Like someone said in an earlier post, I'm trying to work up my trust with her. She does seem to have a big trust issue, and it's very fragile. She said I broke her trust today, but I explained to her that I didn't and hopefully she's believes me.

[Jason333]

She's been talking so much about leaving NYC and how she doesn't like it here. It hurts me each time to hear this because it brings the ending of our story to my mind. I try my best to let that go by, at least in the mean time.

 

I have other things to worry about. I met up with her today for lunch. She was in a bad mood and she tended to take it out on me. I tried to make her feel better, but she gets ticked off at every thing I say. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy my lunch.

 

An hour later, we chatted online and she told me she enjoyed having lunch with me. What the hell? We hardly even had a real talk.

 

After work, we agree to meet up at her place. I tried to get a little closer to her and hold her, but she brushed me away. I got upset. I don't understand why she didn't want me to hold her. Then when we were watching a movie, she let me hold her a little bit. I just don't understand that girl. Most girls like to be held.

 

It's already been 3 weeks since she came back from the trip which allegedly caused her major bad moods. Don't you think it's time she return to her normal self? I just feel our relationship is not so normal.

[Momene]

A lot of girls do blow hot and cold. Yesterday the Mrs was giving our daughter and I a big ticking off, yet 30 minutes later she'd calmed down. The only thing that bothers me is if it's some sort of controlling behaviour.