How selfish

[Aporia]

My mom just got a call it was my uncle on the phone...her brother.

He's just after telling her that him and his wife are getting divorced. It turns out my aunt who is 34 is after falling for another woman and is leaving him

 

They have two children a boy that's 1 and a girl that's 7.

 

I think it's so unfair on the children not to mention my uncle. He had an operation after having their second child and now he can never have children again.

 

The children are going to be so messed up. Oh look now mommys in love with another woman. So now you've two mommys. She can't ruin their lives like this. It's upseting 'cause they're my cousins. She's probably going to ''have children'' with this one aswell and ruin that childs life too. That's allot for a child to take in.

 

This day has been so strange so far and it's all so shocking

[FoxLocke]

This thread is so cruel it is ridiculous.

 

Maybe, you should look at your aunt's side of things, for a minute.

 

Maybe she is tired of living a lie. True, it may not be the most ideal situation to suddenly announce, "Oh, by the way I'm a lesbian..." But if she is going to be good to anyone, including her children, she has to find the strength and courage to be herself.

 

Am I condoning her having an extramarital affair? No...

 

However, this was a bridge that was going to crossed eventually...Now she needs moral support, not judgement.

[Aporia]

By being ''herself'' she's going to affect her childerns lives in a terrible way.

If she was going off with a man fine But the children are going to be so confused all because of her mental condition.

 

She decided to have children in the first place She made him get a vasectomy too

I wouldn't have a problem atall if she didn't have children but being gay and having children - Nooo

 

I can't believe she loves them and would do that to them at the same time.

[jon 13]

whats so bad with having two mommys?

[novaseeker]

I wouldn't have a problem atall if she didn't have children but being gay and having children - Nooo

 

I can't believe she loves them and would do that to them at the same time.

 

See that's just homophobia on your part. Why on earth should having a gay parent ruin a child's life? My goodness, it's not like gays and lesbians have the cooties or something!

 

It's because of attitudes like yours that we need a major revamping of the marriage laws to allow for equal rights for gay and lesbian couples.

[KweenofDenyl]

First of all, if she wanted your uncle to have a vasectomy it's highly unlikely she will want more children-with anyone.

 

Second, try to understand this: it is precisely attitudes like yours that will make this difficult for your cousins.

 

Children are not born with prejudice. It's a learned behavior. The best thing you can do right now is be supportive of your family--including your aunt--and not reinforce negative stereotypes or prejudices.

 

It's easy to play the blame game any time a family splits up-people take sides and cause more hard feelings. The best thing for your cousins is if you and your mom don't do that. This is a really good time to show your maturity.

[Tigris]

Children easily adapt to situations at that age. The 1 year old won't understand anyway and will just accept everyone for who they are. The 7 year old will probably just accept the woman as her Mother's friend.

 

At 7 years old children don't realise that sex takes place between two women. The only way this child will find out is if the adults talk about the situation in front of them. Don't forget a child is an innocent until it's given too much information by a person who has negative views! Don't use the 7 year old as a pawn!

 

You say you love your cousins and I believe you but if you make your opinions known you may end up not being able to see them because of your prejudices. I suggest you give support to all the family concerned but you don't take anyone's side.

 

The children will not be allowed to call the other woman Mother!

 

Think about the consequences before you do or say anything.

 

Good luck and take care.

[keenan]

If she was going off with a man fine But the children are going to be so confused all because of her mental condition.

 

Are you joking?? Her children are going to be upset because they're losing the family dynamic that they're comfortable with: two parents living under the same roof and spending time together--whether driving to school, doing chores, eating dinner, or hanging out in the park on Saturday afternoons.

 

This has everything to do with one parent leaving the marriage for another love interest, and practically nothing to do with the gender or sexual orientation of the love interest. The only reason this will be relevant for the children is because adults who should know better will make them feel awkward and embarrassed about it.

[Prufrock06]

keenan's right: if any emotional issues are here, they are the result of a divorce in general, and not necessarily because the mother is getting a divorce to live with another woman. If the children are "messed up" -- I doubt it will be the result of having two mommies, especially considering that they are so young in age (especially the one-year-old boy). Of course, divorce is always difficult in general, but they will eventually adapt to the situation as most children of divorce do.

 

I'm just really uncomfortable with you equating lesbian parents as contributing to a problematic life for a child. Maybe I'm biased because I'm gay -- but I think this is the farthest thing from the truth. Yeah, it's a lot for a child to take it -- but not more to take in than being the child of a single parent, or a child of divorced parents, or an orphan or whatever.

 

Oh, and isn't it possible for vasectomies to be reversed? I thought it was -- in which case your uncle can still have children.

[keenan]

Nice photo, Pru! Now I don't feel like I'm talking to HAL.

[Aporia]

I really can't help the way I feel about this.

I'm am not homophobic my brother is gay and he is my best friend. You are what you are and can't change that. He told us about it five years ago. I just think that being gay is a state of mind. The same goes for hetrosexuality. Just so people won't start freaking out on me.

 

I'm sorry but whoever said the children will only upset because of the divorce I think you're wrong. How would you like if you called in to see your mom and found her in bed with another woman. Of course the children will be upset seeing thier mom sleeping in a bed with another woman.

 

if any emotional issues are here, they are the result of a divorce in general, and not necessarily because the mother is getting a divorce to live with an another woman.

That's ridiculous.

Of course they'll be upset seeing her in a realtionship with someone else. Be it a man or woman.

 

I'm obviosly not going to get involved It's not really my business in the first place.

 

Btw, she's not blood related to me. She told my granny [her husbads mother] two weeks ago that she thinks the marraige is ending without mentioning she was after cheating on him and got all sympathy from her.

She's just being very selfish.

[novaseeker]

 

I'm sorry but whoever said the children will only upset because of the divorce I think you're wrong. How would you like if you called in to see your mom and found her in bed with another woman. Of course the children will be upset seeing thier mom sleeping in a bed with another woman.

 

Well, here I think you're projecting your own ideas about what is appropriate onto them. Kids really don't know better unless everyone around them tells them that they should look askance at gay/lesbian relationships. It really is a learned prejudice.

 

She's just being very selfish.

 

No argument here. Cheating and infidelity is never acceptable, honestly, regardless of the person with whom one is cheating. It's a very selfish thing to do in the context of any relationship, let alone a marriage with children involved.

[keenan]

You are what you are and can't change that...I just think that being gay is a state of mind.

 

First, how on earth do those two sentences go together? Second, if you "really can't help the way you feel about this," it seems ironic that you expect your aunt to be able to do so.

 

That's ridiculous.

Of course they'll be upset seeing her in a realtionship with someone else. Be it a man or woman.

 

Umm...yes, that's exactly what was said.

[Aporia]

First, how on earth do those two sentences go together? .

 

 

They go together like the way I put them together.

 

You can't always change a certain state of mind. That one's pretty obvious.

 

 

 

Umom...yes, that's exactly what was said.

Ummmm no actually it wasn't. Read...

 

if any emotional issues are here, they are the result of a divorce in general, and not necessarily because the mother is getting a divorce to live with an another woman.

 

That's why I quoted it in the first place. You might have said that but they didn't.

 

I really shouldn't have put this in the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender section in the first place.

 

I think ''having children'' in gay marraiges is wrong. It's just not a normal enviornment for children to grow up in. It isn't meant to be that way by nature. I have my opinions which I change get over it.

[keenan]

I have my opinions which I change get over it.

 

I assume you mean, "which I can't change." I am over it. You're the one who asked for our opinions. Good luck to you.

[novaseeker]

I think ''having children'' in gay marraiges is wrong. It's just not a normal enviornment for children to grow up in. It isn't meant to be that way by nature. I have my opinions which I change get over it.

Well, with respect, it's your opinions about that issue that are causing you so much angst about this. It's not objectively the case that this is wrong, but subjectively the case that the idea of your cousins having a lesbian mother is disturbing to you personally. It may or may not end up disturbing the children that their mother is involved with another woman, but surely if you try to teach them that what their mother is doing is wrong (not the cheating part, which is clearly wrong anyway, but the lesbian parenting part) by your attitudes and actions, that runs a better chance of hurting them, and making them feel bad, than anything else.

 

Something to think about.

[KweenofDenyl]

I'm just really uncomfortable with you equating lesbian parents as contributing to a problematic life for a child. Maybe I'm biased because I'm gay -- but I think this is the farthest thing from the truth.

 

I'm heterosexual and I have a problem with anyone equating gay/lesbian parents as contributing to a problematic life for a child. So much for your bias theory

[Aporia]

I assume you mean, "which I can't change." I am over it. You're the one who asked for our opinions. Good luck to you.

Yeah I did. Good luck for what exactly. I'm not in the corrupt family and I won't be expressing my opinion to them. What I think doesn't matter in this case.

 

 

Novaseeker, it's not like I'm actually going to treat them any differently. Just because I don't agree with something doesn't mean I'm going to do everything in my power to stop it. After all it's their lives. Her selfish decsions. Of course I'm not going to go up to my aunt and say ''I think what you're doing is wrong''.

 

My uncle was on the phone just a while ago to my mom and he was bawling crying. I feel so sorry for him 'cause he's such a nice guy.

 

I can understand that she's probably in love with this woman. But, I think if she decided to have children in the first place she should accept responsibility for them. She put herself and her desires before her children.

The divorce is going to cause them all so much pain.

[Tigris]

What I'd like to know is if your brother decides to have children when he's in a long term relationship with a guy how would you feel then?

 

Isn't it better for children to be brought up in a happy atmosphere than to be constantly listening to arguments or even worse, abuse?

[Cadence308]

I know a woman who is around my age now. Her mother left her father when she was little for another women. She also has two sisters. I don't know the whole story and never asked her about it, but she turned out fine and is college educated. Her sisters also turned out fine and are college educated. Knowing two of three sisters in high school, I would have never "pegged" either of them as having a lesbian mother.

 

Good for your aunt for finding herself and doing what makes her happy. It was bound to happen sooner or later. The extramarital affair was not a smart move on her part, but if she was just friends with the woman and feelings developed then it really wasn't her fault. It's hard to control who you are attracted to. I would try to support your family and not act so bigotted towards your aunt.

[UT]

I can understand that she's probably in love with this woman. But, I think if she decided to have children in the first place she should accept responsibility for them. She put herself and her desires before her children.

The divorce is going to cause them all so much pain.

 

is she saying she doesn't love them any omre or that she won't take care of them anymore?

 

What would you do if you found yourself in the situation where you are together with someone of your own gender (I'm assuming you're straight). you, because of your sexuality, is not happy being together with that person. (this really is Tigris's department) Even though you'll probably say that you'd still be with that person for any offsprings, but I want you to really think about it... think how hard it is to keep up an act that you like someone you might see as a friend or a brother.. nothing romantic.

 

Any divorce, for any reason causes a lot of pain (all depending on their ages). It doesn't matter whether it's because one is gay ot because the parents doesn't love each other anymore.

[Aporia]

What I'd like to know is if your brother decides to have children when he's in a long term relationship with a guy how would you feel then?

 

Isn't it better for children to be brought up in a happy atmosphere than to be constantly listening to arguments or even worse, abuse?

 

I'd still feel the same. But I guess that is a good point it's better for them to be brought up in a happy atmosphere.

 

You see my aunt was completely in love with my uncle one minute and the next getting a divorce. She was all loved up at christmas and couldn't take her eyes off her one and only. She's very close to her cousin who's also gay.

I just get the feeling that this is only a stage she's going through. She wouldn't even consider getting marriage counseling when my uncle asked her. She's only known this woman for little over a month. She met her when she joined her running club.

 

Like, think about it, she met a woman she barely knows and is willing to get a divorce from her husband with the children involved.

 

What would you do if you found yourself in the situation where you are together with someone of your own gender (I'm assuming you're straight). you, because of your sexuality, is not happy being together with that person. (this really is Tigris's department) Even though you'll probably say that you'd still be with that person for any offsprings, but I want you to really think about it... think how hard it is to keep up an act that you like someone you might see as a friend or a brother.. nothing romantic.

 

I should think of it this way.

 

I'm married to another women and have children and since I'm staight I don't love her and found the man of my dreams. I still made the decsion to marry her in the first place and not only that but have children. So no, I really couldn't do it to my children. I created them and it would be my responsibility from that point on to put them first.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Oh brother people. I didn't know this website was so infested with liberals and do gooders. The guy is sad not because his aunt is gay, but because she abandoned two kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not to mention she led her husband on..... Stories like this make it hard for me to buy into this "You are born gay" garbage. If his aunt left his uncle for another man, and she was straight, it would be the same thing. The guy is shocked and wanted some advice, don't kick a man when he's down!

 

Oh, let me make it clear before I get bombarded with blanket statements like "OMG your like such a homo phobe!" that I have nothing against gays. If two guys want to make a manwhich in their own time, thats their own business. Homosexuality is apparently such a touchy issue that instead of looking at the bigger picture (a person who abandoned her family) you assume this is another "gay hater" that is "suppressing your rights" with a xenophobic attitude. If you want more rights, send a letter to your Congressman, don't take out your aggressions on someone in a situation like this!

[novaseeker]

If his aunt left his uncle for another man' date=' and she was straight, it would be the same thing. [/quote']

With all due respect, this is NOT what the OP said. In fact the OP feels that the children are worse off because their mother is with a woman now ... that specific thing. There's never been an argument from anyone here, as far as I can tell, that the cheating business was wrong and selfish.

 

If you want more rights, send a letter to your Congressman, don't take out your aggressions on someone in a situation like this!

Again the issue was that the OP specifically was disturbed that the person involved was a woman, and felt this was particularly bad, to wit:

 

Oh look now mommys in love with another woman. So now you've two mommys. She can't ruin their lives like this.

 

and

 

I wouldn't have a problem atall if she didn't have children but being gay and having children - Nooo

 

Clearly the lesbian part was a large part of the OP's angst about the situation, contrary to what you have written. Please read the posts more closely before you judge the responses.

 

One more part of your post, however, I would like to respond to:

 

not to mention she led her husband on..... Stories like this make it hard for me to buy into this "You are born gay" garbage.

 

That in itself shows at least a lack of understanding on your part of this experience. It is not at all uncommon for people not to discern that they are gay/lesbian or bisexual until they are older ... 30s 40s and sometimes older. I agree that it's hard for people to understand how that is, but let me tell you, it just is that way for some people. You have no clue whether the woman here knew she was lesbian or bi when she got married, and so your statement to the effect that she "led her husband on" is jumping to conclusions.

 

None of that excuses the adultery or the breaking up of a marriage with children for an extramarital relationship ... that's bad on a number of levels. If the OP had simply said that, and not said it was worse because the woman was in a lesbian relationship (as noted in the quotes above), the responses in the thread would have been different.

[FoxLocke]

Novaseeker just said everything that I was going to. But I won't waste my breath on someone like Jorus.

 

No one condoned cheating. The author of this thread made it seem like the woman's infidelity was infinitely worse because it was a person of the same sex and not the opposite sex...That is what the majority of us were disputing.

 

So please go spew your jargon on a hate website or something. This place is about support and recovery.