Why do men string some girls along forever and then marry someone else in a month?

[sweetheart230]

I've heard of this scenerio a lot, where a guy will date a woman for anywhere for like 2 to 8 years and then marry someone else in a few months. He'll never really think about marrying the former. And then he'll end it or she'll end it cause she's sick of waiting. Then he'll turn around and marry another chick in like a couple months.

 

Obviously this isn't coming from personal experience, but I do have an opinion to this matter. I think many guys will string along a girl for a really long time cause he likes her, he likes getting convenient sex and he likes having all the good stuff that goes along with having a girlfriend. But he's not crazy about her. But then when he meets someone he likes a lot, the committment phobic becomes the marrying type.

 

My main question is, how do you prevent being the "string along girl"? I mean I suppose the obvious answer is, don't date a guy unless he's crazy about you and know when to walk away. But how do you know if he's crazy about you?

 

Any other opinions on why a lot of guys do this. I've actually heard of this happening a lot (more than I'd like to) so I'm curious as to why you guys think this happens (and how we don't let it happen to us!)

[Mrocza]

Know what you both want out of the relationship, where you both stand and common view on where it's going.

 

If a guy isn't ready to seriously commit when you can see a future, it's time to move on.

[CarterJonas]

I think that girls also do the same thing. The lesson to be learned is not to allow anyone to string you along in the first place and if you think that a relationship isn't going anywhere, to have the courage to end the relationship instead of waiting and wishing for your partner to change.

[RayKay]

I do know a couple guys whom have done this, and neither was really stringing the other along, hey just realized that after a couple years they were still not ready to take it further and that maybe the person was not the one for him. Then after the break up, they meet someone they DO have those feelings for they didn' with their ex, and they end up getting married. I don't think it's always meant 'badly'. I am sure there are women whom do it too.

 

I do know of the scenarios where a guy does "put marriage off" for years though and the woman stays hoping...until one decides enough, or not. I know a girl whom has been with her partner 10 years, and every year she hopes..and every year nothing.

 

How do your prevent being this girl? Don't stay with someone whom does not share the same goals for the relationship as you do...if he always says he never wants to get married, or doesn't want to until he is 35...don't expect him to change his mind. Don't nag him about it, but let him know it is something you want in your future. Communicate, talk, and find out where you are.

 

If you are being strung along - walk. Don't keep hoping and praying things will change after they have shown they won't.

[DN]

It does happen sometimes. There is a member on here who is contemplating marrying someone he is not really in love with because he is scared he won't find someone better and will be lonely. It is not impossible that he would break off the relationship at a late stage and then meet someone he was really in love with and marry her fairly quickly. His current g/f would be the one wondering what the hell happened.

 

But I know of women who have done that sort of thing for much the same reasons.

[sweetheart230]

Yeah but I guess I'm just wondering how do you know? Like how can a guy seriously spend all that time with a women and then just fall in love with someone else quickly?

 

I guess what I'm asking is, is it something about this new woman in particular, or does it just happen? I mean to be honest, I can't imagine a guy spending so long with a woman, letting her believe he's in love with her and then dropping her and falling more in love with someone else.

 

I don't really believe in stuff like the rules, but these women that guys just completely lose their heads over have to have something in common, dont they?

[sweetheart230]

Like my ex told me about the girl he had before me, that he broke up with her after over a year because they were thinking about getting married and he didn't want to be with her for the rest of his life. but i mean how the hell was she supposed to know?

[RayKay]

Like my ex told me about the girl he had before me, that he broke up with her after over a year because they were thinking about getting married and he didn't want to be with her for the rest of his life. but i mean how the hell was she supposed to know?

 

Better he realized it then, instead of after they were married. It's not unusual to not KNOW until the planning starts you aren't ready for it, and a year is still pretty early on to know. Just because you have been together a year it does not mean you are going to get married.

 

He probably realized it once it was getting more serious. Maybe he just realized he did not see her as the one he wanted to spend his life wtih. I don't think they do it with harm in mind, they probably do like the person too!

 

Don't listen to the Rules - BOTH those women whom wrote it got married....but they are now divorced. What good is "getting married" if you can't keep a relationship going to make it last?

[Kevin T]

Yeah but I guess I'm just wondering how do you know? Like how can a guy seriously spend all that time with a women and then just fall in love with someone else quickly?

 

I guess what I'm asking is, is it something about this new woman in particular, or does it just happen? I mean to be honest, I can't imagine a guy spending so long with a woman, letting her believe he's in love with her and then dropping her and falling more in love with someone else.

 

I don't really believe in stuff like the rules, but these women that guys just completely lose their heads over have to have something in common, dont they?

 

My ex fiancee did something similar to me a while back. She and I were supposed to get married, we were together for almost two years, then all of a sudden, she breaks off the engagement because she's seeing this new guy on the side. A year later, THEY get married!

 

Dunno who she is with now...

[sweetheart230]

god that sucks. man love is really really messed up sometimes.

[Kevin T]

Well, I'd resoundly say that she didn't love me as much as she claimed, to do that to me. But I forgave her eventually and moved on. I honestly hope she's happy with the choice she made in her life (haven't spoken to her in a couple years now).

 

Besides, if I had married her, I'd probably be divorced by now. A scary thought. Now I'm free to go out and find the 'right' one for me. I'm optimistic!

[BillyJean714]

Hi Sweetheart230,

 

I've heard of this scenerio a lot, where a guy will date a woman for anywhere for like 2 to 8 years and then marry someone else in a few months. He'll never really think about marrying the former. And then he'll end it or she'll end it cause she's sick of waiting. Then he'll turn around and marry another chick in like a couple months.)

Sad, isn't it? Some people are just selfish. They could care less about who they string along, so long as their needs are met. They're REALLY callous like that!

 

I think it was Alabama who mentioned something in his post that caught my attention, where he mentions something along the lines of, "Some people will unremorsefully use people. It's reality." So true, very true. That was great advice.

 

My main question is, how do you prevent being the "string along girl"?

By observing the way that he treats you from get-go, from day one - no ifs, or buts. This is what I know from experience. Ask yourself these questions (it says a lot about a person/their intentions):

1. Does he make an honest effort to communicate openly with you?

 

2. Does he talk about more relavent things with you? (Like his family, his interests)

 

3. Does he ask questions about you? Does he really try to get to know who you are at heart. (People who could really care less about getting to know you tend to talk about superficial things). *Hint - A person who genuinely asks questions about you, has a curious heart.

 

4. Does he treat you with class and respect?

 

5. First dates count - where does he take you? Somewhere where it's a bit more intimate where two people can really talk and get to know each other? Or is it a place where it's a bit more impersonal and seems nonchalantly planned out.

 

(If a guy's head over heals for you, he will make the effort to make the first date as enjoyable as he can. He'll put extra thought and effort into where he wants to take you, and what he wants to talk about, because in his heart, he truly see's potential and truly wants to let you know in every way that he can. He doesn't mind. In fact, he enjoys it).

 

6. Does he remember the little things you say?

 

7. Does he joke around with you? Smile? Has that tender look in his eyes? Does his face light up when he see's you? (If most if these answers are yes, chances are, he's in love).

 

8. Is he sarcastic towards you? Makes cruel remarks? Does he try to invalidate any thought or feelings you have. (I know that in some cultures, some men tend to shrug their women off as though their opinions are meaningless- avoid dating someone who doesn't respect you for your thoughts/opinions). If the answers to most of these questions are yes- chances are, it doesn't sound like a person like this is "In love."

 

You asked some very important questions. I think that far too often, men and women stay too long with the wrong person and get screwed up. I think that observing their partner's behaviors will give much more insight rather than asking them personally, because when you ask them, they don't want to hurt you. Instead, they string you along and say crap like, "I see us getting married." That's why talk is cheap.

 

Main point - when someone truly loves you, they show it in their every actions. Not just sometimes, but always because they:

1. Love

2. Respect

3. Support

4. Care

...for you THAT much to consider your thoughts and feelings.

 

It also has a lot to do with your intuition as well.

[sweetheart230]

Wow, Billy Jean, you've seriously got this stuff figured out. Thanks for the imput. I think I always knew what you were saying, but seeing it written and so well articulated kind of puts words to what I was really trying to figure out.

[opiate92]

ah- there is a problem with this scientific explanation though...

 

I think after a year of being in a "serious" relationship is the time to have the talk and ask the other what they are thinking as far as the future is concerned. Unfortunetly you can run into women (and men I'm sure) that are only telling you what looks good NOW and their opinion may change six months down the line.

 

I had a similar experience to another person who posted to this thread - I was talking marriage with a girl after about 1.5 years...but six months later she "changed" and broke it off with me for some guy she met at her new job. Obviously it is too soon to know if she'll run off and marry this guy - and I'll probably never find out anyway - but the whole concept is pretty crazy... you never really know where people stand...ever... People get dumped by their wives and/or husbands after ten years of marriage with no warning.

 

So I'd say if your in your mid twenties or older "the talk" should happen after a year of being in a committed loving relationship. Just keep in the back of your head not to make your whole world revolve around the committment because you never know when they might leave.

[BillyJean714]

Thanks, Sweetheart230.

 

... you never really know where people stand...ever... People get dumped by their wives and/or husbands after ten years of marriage with no warning.

Actually, there probably were lots of warning signs that the other partner (the one being dumped) should've been aware of but wasn't. Sometimes, some ho-ey wives leave their very sweet/commited husbands, because they were nothing but a bunch of selfish, pretentious gold-diggers to begin with! But their husband were too blind to see it.

 

Just keep in the back of your head not to make your whole world revolve around the committment because you never know when they might leave.

 

Actually, you might be quite surprised if you payed a little bit of attention as to how your partner treats you. It's all of the little subleties that let you know, whether or not, this person's stringing you along or not. Pay attention to their actions, not words.

 

In your case, with the ex, I'm assuming she told you she felt happy/satisfied with the relationship, whatever..but in the back of her mind, she wasn't. Maybe she showed it to you through her little actions. It all depends on how a person treats you. That's what's most important. (For instance, in my group of friends, I know when they're stringing their bfs or not- it's usually when they go into 'party mode' and all they do is go clubbing. Most times, that's when they really don't know how to break it to their bfs that they don't want to be with them, but string them along anyway. Sad.)

 

I was always one to believe, "the person who loves you, your one true love, is someone who won't string you along. Because once you've found them, it's like running into an long lost best friend." It's that busome buddy bond that's hard to find. Once you meet that person, there isn't a reason for them to leave. There certaintly aren't any reasons for you to leave, either. Makes sense. There are no signs to be aware of - just pure happiness expressed in both people's eyes.

 

When you're in a relationship where it feels like the two of you "grow together" and you share similar values, a deep understanding of each other, and there is a level of commitment that both partners stick with (meaning, no straying), chances are, the other person won't leave. In other words, when the relationship feels rich, not shallow, and both partners are faithful, there is a good chance that neither partners will want to leave. They're so happy/satisfied with one another and cherish each other THAT much to ever want to leave. Why should they? But when people marry or date others out of convenience, or for every other reason other than love, reasons that are based more on superficiality, that's when there is a higher chance where both partners are in a relationships where it's considered "string along."

 

That's when people doubt themselves by saying, "You never really know" when in the back of their minds, they do know, but are just too much in denial to admit it. (Or either that, they're just completely oblivious about things in life, in general).