is Anyone in the same situation I am In? If so please contact me and give me advice

[saloumehdaghighi]

if there is anyone in the same situation i am in i'd appreciate it if i got some advice. i broke up with my ex almost 4 years ago. we had good communication before i realized that i no longer didnt want to be with him bc i felt like i was on a rebound. Ever sense i broke up with him everything had turned around complelty. His attitude changed, he was being careless of things i try to talk to him about stuff and how i feel he didnt give a sh.....

and not just reply to anything anymore. now he told me he's getting married we talked last week everything was fine normal we had no problems he assumed that we were still friends which i told him i didnt want to be friends and its impossilbe to be friends with someone after you had a relationship with that person. he got real pissed off and told me to go away and never hear from me again he told me if he's hear from me then he f.... me up big time. i told him that if he's getting married pretty soon then he has no right to talk to me, and he keeps back stabbing me with the same words i'm telling him. he says he's over me, by his reactions does this mean he still cares about me and loves me bc he wont say it himself and sometimes i dont know what to believe anymore. i ignored him for a while so he can have his space but one problem is that he keeps coming and going back month after month year after year its like a part of him does not want to let go. Its like he's fixing to get married and has me on the side. Does it mean's he still care about me, does he still have feelings about me, does it means he still loves me? if so then why wont he say anything about it. please help me. thanks

[ocrob]

I am confused. You say that you broke up with him four years ago. Why do you care if he has feelings for you? Do you love him? Would you be with him, if he were in love with you? If the answer is yes, then you may want to say something to him before it is too late.

[michelemybell]

Hi saloumehdaghighi,

I think your ex always loved you. Remember, it's very difficult for the person who is dumped, and it can often take years for that person to rationalize it. That is why he can be over you in the sense that he found someone else, but still not completely over you. It's probably difficult for him because you two still talk and it's playing with his head.

Should he be getting married if still has feelings for you deep in the back of his mind? Yes and no. Obviously he should be there completely for his wife. But many people get married with remnants of past relationships, and they do so because they want to start a family and actually be with one person and dont want to play games anymore. I'm sure he loves his fiance, but you are that monkey on his back that never seems to go away, and may never go away in his mind until many more years have gone by.

The question is, do you still like him deep down inside? Does it bother you that he is getting married?

[xprincessbugx]

I think maybe you should just let him be. He's getting married, he's moved on so why shouldn't you? Just don't contact him if you can't be friends and let him live his life. I don't think it should matter to you anymore if he has feelings for you or not because obviously he's moved on.

[Sway1607307344]

I've been in a similar situation. I too had an ex who didn't seem to want to let go of me and despite the fact he was getting married. I was with my ex for nine years, our break up was kinda mutual, he didn't really want to break things off, it was me who was insistent we did and because he wouldn't committ fully to me. He then and after we broke up, went on to meet someone else, who eventually became his wife. But even after he was married, he still wouldn't leave me alone and would've taken any and every opportunity to be with me, if I'd been up for it, however I wasn't. I didn't relish the thoughts of being second best to some other woman and the woman he'd chosen to marry over me.

 

And so I chose to move on, hard as it was, because I still loved the guy a lot. I met someone new, moved away and heard nothing from the ex for a long time. Then one day I logged into my email account and there was an email from him. He'd found me online. Last thing I'd ever expected was for him to show up in my life again, but obviously he'd never forgotten me.

 

My ex is still married and so I chose not to pursue anything further with him, because he was still married. A few friendly emails were exchanged, a plan to meet was also arranged, but I came to my senses and backed out at the last minute.

 

These guys who may still carry a torch for old flames, are cheating their wives I think. When a mans heart may truly belong to and lay with another woman, they are robbing their wives of their hearts and no relationship/marriage can work, when a man/woman cannot give their all, their 100% to their spouse.

 

I really think that before he jumps and gets married, you need to be telling him how you feel. He needs to know before he goes ahead and does something, that he might regret further down the line. Before he goes ahead and hurts his wife, when she eventually discovers that for all of their married life, his heart has always been elsewhere, their marriage a sham!

[Sway1607307344]

I think maybe you should just let him be. He's getting married, he's moved on so why shouldn't you? Just don't contact him if you can't be friends and let him live his life. I don't think it should matter to you anymore if he has feelings for you or not because obviously he's moved on.

 

If he still has feelings for her, then he obviously hasn't moved on either and despite the fact that he is now with someone else. People can find themselves in a relationship and yet still have feelings for an ex. It's called a 'rebound relationship', not being over one person, and jumping in and getting involved with another. Happens all of the time!

[saloumehdaghighi]

hi sway thank you so much for your reply actually i told him how i feel and it seem like he didnt seem to care at all bc at one point on how he was talking about how happy he is and how he moved on and how he is in love with this girl i kept telling him i never cared and didnt need to know about all this and i never asked about his personal life so he inteneds do keep doing it. so when i gave him the cold shoulder he's doing the same thing and he has the tendency to keep going and coming back and which i'm sick of it bc everything is something new. When i broke up with my ex i didnt give my self a chance for everything to fall into place so i met someone myself too we got engaged soon then we got married. So through this process i didnt give myself a chance to heal. And i thought if i met someone and get married that things be over and telling him was one of the most hardest thing to do. I eventually moved on we kept being in touch with one another but it had became less till he went away for about a couple of months. he emailed me and congragulated me on my wedding and i said thanks and the conversations started from there up until now and from that momment on he never left. i dont want him to go through the same thing being on a rebound bc i'm still not over the guy even though i'm married its really really really hard to even let go. ( my husband knows about the situation my husband is my best friend i tell him everything) so i jumped into my marriage which i havent been over my ex for quiet a while and i still cant give my husband that 100% chance. i wanna be able to tell him this but sense everything has been rough this past couple of days that i'm just giving it a rest for a while bc he needs his space and i need mine. He thought that being frineds would be the right thing and that it wouldn't hurt to be friends. he gets mad really easily and i didnt want to upset him so i said okay and everything was fine for a while he left for about a week and came back and i asked him nicely to leave me alone and that i had nothing to do with him and he'd better off to leave. he started getting mad at me and going off cause i told him i didnt want to be friends and it wasn't a good idea and i'm thinking this is a guy who's fixing to get married and yet wants to be friends with me. a whole lot has changed from the momment we'd break up, he's a different person now he doesn't know what he's saying anymore, he's confused, he brags about how happy he is and i'm thinking that he's lying as well about getting married he sent me a pic of his fiance ( which i think was done with photoshop) everyone keeps telling me to close down my account and do the NC thing i want to do that more then anything but i'm thinking sense he's not over this situation and if he wants to keep emailing thats fine with me he can email as long as he wants so he can give up eventually he has too whether how hard its going to be. one of us has to stay strong and if it cant be him then i rather take this the hard away and not reply to him emails. i told this guy once he says his i do to his wife that he has no right to contact me what so ever. and i'm hoping he doesn't. do you still have contact with your ex bf? does he have the tendency to go and come back? hope to hear from you soon.

thanks

[michelemybell]

saloumehdaghighi,

You answered your own question. You need to be the strong one and let go. Take this as a hard lesson that when you value something, dont take advantage of it because you will lose it forever. You are afraid to really let your ex go. It's very hard, I know. But you have to in order to live a normal life.

I suggest you bite the bullet and say goodbye for good. Yes, many of us have left people we really cared for behind. It stinks, but you have to have respect for your husband. Either that, or get divorced which it doesn't seem you are going to do.

Please leave this drama behind and get on with your life and your husband. You and your ex have been very selfish in this and have dragged two other people in this. Have some respect for those people who have chosen to stand by you through all of this.

Michele

[saloumehdaghighi]

hi michelle,

 

a matter of fact i had let go a while back and i'm the one thinking he hasnt let go. so truly and partially this is his fault too bc he's the one being selfish about it. and he thinks i'm the one that hasn't let go and is blameing me for the rest of the stuff. i've given him the could shoulder months ago i dont understand why he is having the hard time here. and if he truly is getting married then he should had left this situation months ago. i'm the one trying to be mature here but he's acting like a child other then that i have nothing to do with him or his personal life.

[blender]

If you want to be mature about this, then really, authentically, let him go.. you don't have to "convince him" you are doing this, or tell him, just do it, get a grip, have the self respect to leave this guy out of your life. He's getting married? I feel so sorry for the girl!

 

Be grateful it's not YOU marrying him, how would you feel if the guy you were marrying was still having conversations like these with another woman???? He seems unstable, and his actions have nothing to do with YOU, it's WHO he already IS and always will be.

 

Steer clear of him, and get busy with your own life, the fact that you would even discuss any "feelings" with him at all at this point, is a sign of "hanging on" and "immaturity". Or it's just a bad old habit.. break it, NOW.

 

You deserve better in your life, he doesn't even seem like he'd make an honest good friend, let alone a soulmate... yikes, being involved in ANY way with him is NOT a good idea.

 

There is no need for you to "try to figure out" what he is feeling or WHY he is acting the way he is, either way it is AND SHOULD BE "UNACCEPTABLE" to you and your values. The only way to show this to yourself or him is to get away from him without trying to "convince him" what or how you are feeling or HOW he SHOULD be acting, you're not his "teacher" and after all he'd be a LOUSY STUDENT ANYWAY.

 

Let go for your own good, and I don't mean "I let go a long time ago" I mean follow your words all the way through with YOUR behavior.... You can do this, let go.......this is a waste of your precious energy and your heart.

[saloumehdaghighi]

hi there thank you so much for your advice i truly appreciate it. i actually let go along time ago and i think he should be doing the same, and if i stick around any longer then he be taking advantage. when i told him that if he's getting married or engaged what so ever then he would have no right talking to me, and he's turning around the same words that i am saying and saying them to me. so thats why i let him go for a while bc i dont think he's stable enough and not matture to have an adult conversation. so i gave up trying months ago. i just wished that there was an explanation towards everything but i guess there isnt any right answer. again thank you for your time.

[blender]

You have your ANSWER, you just don't like the way it is coming out.. The "answer" is this guy is NOT right for you. It doesn't matter what he says, thinks, does, none of it means anything about you, in either a good or negative way.

 

It's all about "accepting" the "answer", it's right in front of you, so try to "accept" it, and try NOT to get an "explaination" from him. that's like "going to the hardward store for bread". So "accept" the answer that he is NOT right for you and try not to waste any more energy "trying to figure out why he throws your words back at you".. that's an easy one, he doesn't have any "words" of his OWN.. he's in the past, let it go.. and not "I let him go long ago"..

 

if you ever "choose" to speak with him, then you are NO different than he is... have the self respect and respect the fact that he says he's in a relationship and do NOT speak to him... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS TO HIM, OR "TEACH" or "TELL" HIM HOW TO BEHAVE. Doing things like this is a sign of your "not" letting go...

 

YOU can do this.. you are worthy of a better love, if YOU really want it, this guy is NOT the guy. You are not wanting an "answer" you desire an "explaination" and there isn't going to be one other than "this is fate" believe it, and live it... don't go to the dry well for water.

[saloumehdaghighi]

actually there were a couple of times that we spoke on the net together to be able to resolve this issue and get past it so we both can move on with our lives without any problems so we would both go away not angry and not to be so mad at each other by the time we leave there wouldn't be any tension but now i can feel the tension there is going on. From the momment i got engaged he wouldn't want to leave up until now. and its has been putting an impact in my life so much where i'm confused now. ( well now he left for good hopefully and not exepcting him to come back) when ever this happens when he comes back, i get frustrated, i'm never in a good mood when my husband comes home, my attitude starts to change, i start to feel sick, i dont get enough sleep, i cant eat, i mean he's constantly working on my brain, and this is no good for my marriage. Actually, i'm the one that broke it up. i'm sick of him, sick and tierd of the da... games he's playing, let me tell you this about 5 months ago we got into another huge argument either he left or i left dont remember when i left i started saying bad things to him and that i was sick and tierd of him he left about 5 months came back opened up his email start answering my emails back bc he wanted to get even with me. I snapped out of it complety picked up the phone and started going at it complety and we were basically yelling at each other. i have never ever asked anything about his personal life, i never asked whats going on in his love life i mean how much can a guy brag about this? So i'm compelty ignoring him and his messages and before he left i told him if i hear one word from him that i would file a complaint on him. again sorry if i'm taking half of your time.

[Sway1607307344]

It sounds to me as though he is the one who is having the hard time letting go, even though he's pretending otherwise to be happy and in love with his fiancee. If this man was that happy, then he wouldn't be pursuing you in this way, he probably wouldn't care less if you remain his friend or not, if he was 100% content with his current woman. But you know, there is only one person who can put a stop to him pestering you in this way and that is YOU! He wouldn't be able to pester you, if you didn't allow him too. But in answering his calls, emails, etc, you are allowing him that power over you. He won't stop pestering you, so long as your door remains open to him. I know because I have been there, many, many times with my ex also, in the past. But there comes a point when 'enough is enough'. Believe me, I know how hard it is to close the door for good on someone you care deeply about and it took me ages to finally close the door on my ex. But I managed to close it for good, when I heard my ex was getting married and although he didn't like it, I grew a back bone overnight and did what was best for me. If my ex had his way, he'd have had me as hi s'other woman' way throughout his marriage and for all of these years. I deserved more and so do you!

 

My situation is different in that I am no longer married, I and the ex hubby divorced some time ago. It was a year after my divorce, that the ex showed up in my life and I mean I hadn't seen nor heard from him for nearly 10 years!!!! I too married my husband on the rebound from the ex and I could never give my 100% to my husband either, which is why our marriage eventually led to divorce. I didn't love and couldn't love him, the way that he'd wanted me too....and because my heart lay with another man.

 

As I said, he'd found me online and emailed me and I was overjoyed to hear from him. We live quite a few miles apart.....so he'd never have found me otherwise. A few friendly emails were exchanged. He said he still thought about me, cared about me, wondered how I was doing after all this time and then the talk got around to 'our' relationship back all those years ago. We were simply reflecting on old times. He said he was sorry to hear about my breakup with my husband, then added that he was still married. He never mentioned if he was happy with his wife or not, but I suspect that if he was truly happy with her, he wouldn't have got back in touch with me. However and as soon as he told me he was married, I began to withdraw from him. He very likely sensed it. He began sending me photographs of himself, perhaps to try and stir up some emotion in me....and it did I have to admit. He kept on mentioning that he was in my area soon on business (a hint for us to meet up) and I twice had the opportunity to go and meet him, however both times I backed out. I think he got fed up/or perhaps sensed a lack of interest on my part, felt rejected perhaps and so I didn't hear from him in a while, after I failed to show up for a second time.

 

Since then however, I deleted the email addy where he would mail me, making it impossible for him to contact me again....believe me that was hard to do. He might've tried to mail me, who knows? He hasn't a clue where I live.......ok, he knows the area where I live, but looking for me here would be akin to him looking for a 'needle in a haystack', he'd never find me.

 

But I do think that if I lived closer to the ex/or he knew my home address, I'd likely still have him plaguing me, because he never could let go of me totally and he always came back.....until I stopped it in it's tracks.

[saloumehdaghighi]

before my ex left we got into an another argument he complety left and never heard one word from him, i know i should not have any contact with him what so ever, and i dont attend too speak to him at all but when is this going to stop? when will this nosense stop? he says he's moved on but to me it does not seem like it at all. if he had moved on he would had done it long ago but not up until now. if he's getting married then he wouldn't have any right to talk to me at all i mean eventually his wife will find out wouldn't she? eventually she would find out sooner or later.

[michelemybell]

Like the other posters have already said, the only way you can stop him from contacting you is by blocking all contact and not responding when he does get through.

Honestly Saloum, because you haven't nipped it in the bud, it seems to all of us that you actually dont want it to stop. You may like the attention and dont want to lose it yourself. If you didn't care, you wouldn't allow it to continue. I dont think you want to face life without this guy, as much as you say you dont want him in your life. It's very hard work and sad to let someone go. And you're avoiding the pain.

I feel sorry for you---This is going to be following you around for life, and you're never going to be able to appreciate much of your life until you let go.

[saloumehdaghighi]

finally its stopped. its been a while we had no contact and i attend for it to stay like that and i blocked him from everything. i finally decided to move on with my life and would not like these kinds of people to get in my way bc i have more important stuff to do not to sit around and brag about it. thank you so much for being helpful, whats done its done and is all in the past and thank you again.

[saloumehdaghighi]

like i said,i have nothing to do with you at all and u have no right to speak to a man who is engaged to get married ,i have my wife and have no relation with any other girl like you or whoever else,so its best if you move on with your life and forget everything we had before,whats gone is gone and its best you concentrate on your life and let me concentrate on my life too,if you wanna ruin your life thats okay but i dont wanna ruin mine at all,so pleae go away and dont send me an e-mail or even a word.and i swear to god if i you keep sending me e-mails be sure that they will never be replyed and thats for sure. bye for ever

 

(this is the part where i told him i didnt no longer wanted to be friends with him and this is his reaction)

 

okay if u really want this thats ok with me im leaving for good and u better get lost too since i dont wanna c ur name in my mailbox anymore and dont wanna hear from u at all and this is the last thing i wanna do but if i hear one word only one word from u i fu... ur a... up im dead serious now u can f... off

 

but just to let u know that our wedding is 2 months later,so if u wanna wait,u have to wait 2 months more till i send u my wedding pic then u can go ur way and i will go my way,so please dont e-mail me back anymore till i send u my pic then u can officially f... off,now tell me does that make u happy???

 

 

hey,i dont have enough time to waste on you,i think i have to block you if u dont keep ur big mouth shut then u can send me tons of e-mails who cares what u write since i wont receive them at all even one word of them, listen,i am fully busy with my fiance planning out our future life so please dont bug me anymore and dont make be block u ,let me keep at least some respect for your a.... too. bye and dont write back anymore

 

listen,i still do have some respect for you for some reasons but i think that i'd better leave anyway.thats just what i feel inside right now as i am focusing on my marriage ceremony and am hardly busy collecting my money

 

you know what,i just cant send u any sort of pictures but i can tell you honestly that im fixing to get married and hopefully over the next couple of months i'll have my ceremony and everything,and there's nothing to lie about,and im so so happy that im getting married and i did found my other half and the one i was looking for .

 

hey listen bi...,i dont have time to dig in my inbox and search for your sh...,ok? and on the other hand u cant talk to me like that,underestood? who the fu... u think u are? by the way lets pretend that all u said was fu... right,then what? what a f... difference does it make ? to me nothing, i dont give a sh...,ok? i dont give a sh..

 

say what ever u want to say,who cares?bi...

 

by the way,im busy blocking you right now,so u'll be automatically sh.. up finally

[michelemybell]

saloum, I know you still want to figure this out, but you really need to let it go. Stop trying to figure it out. You are just continuing the game. Stop now. For your own sanity. Let him go.