exgirlfriend love vs. girlfriend love

[walk_away]

so last night i overheard my boyfriend on the phone with his ex which he is still very close with and i don't mind that at all. it's just that i heard him say "i love you" in a really gentle way. like that kind of way you would tell your girlfriend. and later i asked him about it and he told me that he just really cares about her and he loves her as a human being and not as a girlfriend-type. i'm still really upset about this because i feel like i'm constantly competing with her. he's an amazing guy and he really does love me, i can tell. i just wasn't sure if there was a difference between the love he has for his ex and the love he has for me. am i freaking out about this for no reason??? i just really feel like i'm second to her or something like that. i really really need some help, please. i just don't know what i should do about this.

[RayKay]

To be blunt...

 

No it's not acceptable. You don't tell your ex's you love them, and especially not when you are in a new relationship. I would consider that emotional cheating personally. Honestly if I heard my boyfriend telling his ex "I love you" I would be packing his bags up for him and throwing them out the window

 

he told me that he just really cares about her and he loves her as a human being and not as a girlfriend-type.

 

I call BS on that honestly. If he loved her as a human being, he would not be telling her it...that's just crossing a line I believe. I have friends too..males and females, and even a couple ex's in there, and there is absolutely no way I would go around saying to them I love them...be it all tender and sweet or not. I may care about people I have in my life, or that I dated in the past, but I don't go around telling them I love them..if I still loved them, I would not be with my boyfriend! Other then my boyfriend, the only other ones whom hear those words from my lips are my parents and siblings and pets!

 

Is there a difference between the love he has for her and you..maybe, likely, but it does not mean that the one for her is less strong, or the one for you more valuable to him. I personally think him spouting off love to his ex, is a betrayal to you and the love you have.

 

What is their history? Do you think he has really moved on? How long have you been dating?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Have to go with RayKay on this one. I have a friend who's an ex too. We NEVER have told each other that we love each other since we decided to be friends. We know we care about each other, but "I Love You" is reserved for the person you're with. Not for friends and especially not for ex's that are friends.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Good grief, you are being far, far too accepting here.

 

It is certainly not acceptable to tell your ex, whilst your current gf can hear, that you still love her! If nothing else, its downright disrespectful. It sounds to me like hes not over her and you really need to talk about it with him..loves her as a human being...HMMMM.

[Hope75]

RayKay is right- that is not acceptable and I don't buy his excuse that he "loves her as a friend and nothing more." First of all when you are in a new relationship (or any length relationship!) you do not tell your ex that you love them- and even worse- he did it right in front of you!

 

Sorry girl, this would be a deal breaker for me.

[PB]

I don't know about this one... there are some people who are quite casual with those words and some who are not. My last ex is one of those people who tells others that she "loves them" when she mostly just cares strongly about them (male or female).

 

We've been broken up over a year (but see each other every day at work) and even though I made lots of attempts to get her back from her current bf, she's never wavered in sticking with him. However, if someone asked her if she loved me, I'm pretty sure that she would tell them yes (although I will admit that she might be uncomfortable saying it in front of her bf).

 

So I would say it depends on his personality. If he is a "embrace the world, share the love" kind of guy who is very open with his expressions to others in general, I would not worry about it too much. If he is not that type, but basically more reserved, then I would see that as a potential red flag.

[walk_away]

well heres the thing, we've only been dating for about 4 months now and he's been broken up w/ his ex for a while (maybe a year even). i mean he's always telling me that i'm his soulmate whereas she's just a friend that he truly cares about. i don't know, i'm unfortunately a jealous person of course so last night i was really freaking out. but if he loved her like that still, then wouldn't he still be with her??? and it also seems that she loves to piss me off which worries me. i don't know because i really do love him, and i know that he loves me and i know that he will stop doing things because i would want him to. but theres just that feeling that i fear that he values her over me. but he always hangs out with me rather than her when i'm available. so i dunno i guess i'm just really confused b/c on one hand, he's perfect and he's doing nothing wrong. and on the other, you just really shouldn't tell your ex that you love them. especially in that tone of voice. it's too creepy. all comments are appreciated and thank you to all of those who have shed light on this issue.

[RandomAdvisor]

walk_away - Your username is a description of exactly what you need to do with this guy.

[renaissancewoman101]

Walk_away, most people would not find what your bf did acceptable. He should not be telling his ex that he still loves her when he is dating you and you are his new gf.

 

But then I will also play devil's advocate too. I have been in the position of your bf too. My best friend is also my first ex and we have some weird ties together. I still love him as a best friend and I have told him on the phone that I love him. When I was dating my current ex, there were times that I told my best friend that I still loved him, but I didnt mean it in a bf/gf type way. I meant it in a best friend, soulmate type of way, the person I could trust, etc. When you are in a relationship, dont most people find it that it is hard to tell their SO what their feelings are, so they confide in a best friend or something of that nature. That is what I was referring to when I used to tell my best friend that I loved him. My ex understood that for a while until he got tired of my attachment to my best friend and dumped me.

 

It isnt a good way to live but I just wanted to give you my perspective on both sides.

[PB]

Do you know why they broke up? That might shed some light on it...

 

well heres the thing, we've only been dating for about 4 months now and he's been broken up w/ his ex for a while (maybe a year even).

[RayKay]

When you are in a relationship, dont most people find it that it is hard to tell their SO what their feelings are

 

Um...no...if I felt that way they would not be my SO. Part of what being in a relationship is about is being partners, trusting one another, sharing together, confiding in one another.

 

Of course friends are important too and they are an emotional support, and they are another emotional support, but if I found it hard to tell your feelings to the one whom is supposed to be a primary partner in my life, then I would be wondering if we were really right for one another, and what was wrong there.

 

What happens when you rely on friends for all the support is you miss out on communicating and bonding with your partner, and they tend to side with you anyway, so you never work things out between you two alone.

[renaissancewoman101]

RayKay, you are right in that you should trust in your SO. I guess I have a hard time with trust issues right now and when I get this way, I get clingy to my best friend. But definitely, the OP should be suspicious with her bf telling his ex that he loves her, esp since they broke up over a year ago. He may still have residual feelings for her that he hasnt let go yet, and that can poison the relationship he has with the current gf.

[walk_away]

see the problem is i agree with both perspectives. and i don't know if i've mentioned this, but he tells me he loves me all the time and he means it...i can tell. its just that i've tried today to see it from his perspective and i just can't seem to find what he did acceptable. if i force myself to allow that kind of behavior, i feel like i'm just paving the road for being hurt in the future. i don't want to control him at all because i'm not that kind of a person, i just wish that his feelings for her weren't so strong. should i ask him to pick one of us then?

[PB]

should i ask him to pick one of us then?

 

Only if this one item trumps everything else you feel about him, and you are ok with walking away from the relationship.

[Hope75]

PB is right- unless you are prepared to walk away should he refuse, it's difficult to make such an ultimatum- but at the same time you shouldn't be placed in the situation where you feel you have to make him choose.

 

I would tell him clearly how much it hurts you that he tells his EX this, and ask him how he thinks it would feel if you were telling your ex that you loved him.

 

Tell him that it's inappropriate, you are trying to be understanding but that it's just not acceptable behaviour for someone who is in a relationship.

 

If he balks and gets defensive- show him this thread and know that if he protects her and chooses her over you- he isn't worth it.

[xprincessbugx]

I would not accept that at all. I would have deft went off on him about that. I'm sorry but that's just not something I would overlook or put up with no matter what the excuse was.

[walk_away]

this is the most frustrating thing ever. now everytime he tells me he loves me, i have no idea what he means. he keeps telling me that these two feelings of love are different. he loves her like he loves a family member, and he loves me on a romantic relationship level. but everytime he's on the phone with her i get so sad. and he's so happy when he talks to her. this is really freaking me out. it seems like he just doesn't want to change it, even though i told him it's disrespectful toward me. help!!

[PB]

this is the most frustrating thing ever. now everytime he tells me he loves me, i have no idea what he means. he keeps telling me that these two feelings of love are different. he loves her like he loves a family member, and he loves me on a romantic relationship level. but everytime he's on the phone with her i get so sad. and he's so happy when he talks to her. this is really freaking me out. it seems like he just doesn't want to change it, even though i told him it's disrespectful toward me. help!!

 

You have decide what he's doing....either

 

a) He's playing games with you in hopes of keeping both of you strung along

 

or

 

b) He's being honest. No one can deny that there different types of love.

 

It goes back to my previous post. Only you can decide if this ambiguity is enough to end the relationship (or force him into making a decision). Most people get stubborn when told something along the lines of, "I don't ever want to see you acting happy around that woman again..."

[Hope75]

I am sorry but I just don't buy what he's telling you. He's happy because he's getting his cake and eating it too.

 

It is just not good manners or considerate of his girlfriend's (you!) feelings to be telling an EX he loves her. They have a history of a romantic relationship and I just don't believe he's let that go.

 

Since he's insistant and not willing to stop- you have to decide if you are willing to accept the hurt you feel when he tells his ex he loves her, or if you will walk away.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him he is going to lose me if the behaviour doesn't stop. Than I'd give him a week to stop it. If he did not make an effort to stop it- I'd leave.

[keenan]

I don't know about this one... there are some people who are quite casual with those words and some who are not. My last ex is one of those people who tells others that she "loves them" when she mostly just cares strongly about them (male or female).

 

So I would say it depends on his personality. If he is a "embrace the world, share the love" kind of guy who is very open with his expressions to others in general, I would not worry about it too much. If he is not that type, but basically more reserved, then I would see that as a potential red flag.

 

Walk_away, I agree with the others that saying "I love you" to an ex is something that is pretty difficult, if not impossible, to accept. But I've gotta put in another vote for the minority here, too. I'm a really touchy feely lovey kind of person, and I use "I love you" with a lot of people--SO, family, and close friends--male and female.

 

The context for friends is usually a little different--for girls, sometimes when we're getting off the phone and have had a real heart to heart. For guys, a similiarly emotional conversation might elicit a 'Hey, you know I love you, I'm here for you' comment. It's more common for my gay friends than my straight guy friends, but it's certainly happened.

 

The love I feel for all of these people is very real...but very different! Unfortunately, English doesn't have a lot of different words for different kinds of love. "Caring" doesn't quite cut it.

 

I'm also SUPER likely to sign off on e-mails with 'love' or 'hug' or 'xoxo' for people I'm really fond of. It's a struggle to hold back from that and use something more generic like 'cheers', actually.

 

Having said all that, I'd still be ultra-sensitive about saying those three words to an ex, and especially within earshot of my current SO! It's not very respectful of your feelings no matter how it was intended. The only exception would be if my partner was totally on the same page with me about the f'riendship-love' feelings that I have for my ex, and was ok with me expressing it to him.