WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Well, he asked me stay and wants us together. He sees how I feel ignored, and would feel the same way if I was not available to him when he wanted to spend time. He wants us to begin looking for land, not just me. He said he sees where I would feel he is uninterested based on his lack of response to any land suggestions, and he is sorry. He wants us to have a home together. AND most importantly, when he is working out of town he will devote Thurs. evenings to the boys (since that is the only night they really get to see him) and he wants to devote all of Saturday and Saturday evenings to me and us. Link to comment
DN Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 So what do you want? Is this acceptable to you? Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 I guess I am willing to give it a shot for two reasons: first, he actually opened up and talked with me about things on his own and listened and understood my responses and feelings; second, he has made the suggestion of compromise, and compromise is important. I feel like I should give him a chance to prove if he really means what he said. Especially since I wasn't going to budge on my decision to end it and he knew changes would have to be made so we were both happy with the end results. I hope I am making the right decision. I am tired of looking like a desperate fool by continuing to give him my understanding and empathy because of his previous relationship. I do however know I have the guts to walk out and mean it no matter how smooth he is. Not as an ultimatum, but as self preservation and respect for my needs and desires. Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 And I guess I am scared as well Link to comment
DN Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Do you love him? Do you love him enough to work through any future problems? Are you sure he loves you on the same basis? Link to comment
Dako Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Hopefully he's been shocked out of his complacency. Of all things, I hope his verbal abuse stops. There's no excuse for that. Best of luck lady. You could use a break. Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 I do love him, and I love him enough to work through this. I realized during this time though that the only problem he has is when I voice displeasure in his actions, words or otherwise. None of these problems are things he feels are a problem, but only me. I cannot say for certain if he loves me as he has only expressed it once that he loves both me and the boys. However, given the things I know about him I don't think I am wearing rose colored glasses by saying that if he didn't care deeply enough for me we would have not even made it through this last year. I just want things to be like a normal relationship, and hopefully we have jumped every hurdle. Am I dumb? Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 I agree Dako. I would rather he walk out in anger than continue with his mouth. I think my foolish mistake last fall was to tell him that his words kill me inside. Now he knows my Achilles heal. Link to comment
Dako Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 It might be good for him to know that he's one FU away from being kicked loose. Link to comment
DN Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 the only problem he has is when I voice displeasure in his actions, words or otherwise. How do you voice your displeasure? Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 Geez, I hope he realizes it already. I mean even when he was sweet talking me, giving me "his look" etc... I stood my ground. He made dinner. I stood my ground. I think he thought I am just going to roll over on this one. But this time it was him who initiated the wanting me to stay. I didn't apologize, I haven't, nor will I. I guess I know I am dumb to even give him this chance. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Has he admitted to any fault in this, like telling you he's sorry for wasting so much of your "together time" on the computer? Has he admitted that it was a problem that he chose the computer over you? I think you should take some more time to think about this. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy that is going to make any huge changes with out a serious wake up call. The verbal abuse still worries me, its a big sign of disrespect and is often how more serious abuse starts. If you do take him back go to a counselor and clear the air. Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 How do you voice your displeasure? Nine out of 10 times I tell him how I feel. I don't scream, yell or anything. But when he becomes defensive I either clam up or spout back depending on what he says. I don't just fly off the handle if he does something. I don't insult him either. I guess when I didn't like we weren't having sex, it was my problem...he thought our sex life was fine. When I didn't like how often he was checking out porn sites, it was my problem, he didn't view them. When I didn't like all his gaming, it was my problem...like it or get out. I don't nag, b!tch, carry on unless I have been pushed to the brink of insanity. He really has it pretty easy with me. Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 Has he admitted to any fault in this, like telling you he's sorry for wasting so much of your "together time" on the computer? Has he admitted that it was a problem that he chose the computer over you? I think you should take some more time to think about this. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy that is going to make any huge changes with out a serious wake up call. The verbal abuse still worries me, its a big sign of disrespect and is often how more serious abuse starts. If you do take him back go to a counselor and clear the air. He said that he realizes how I would feel ignored and invisible (whereas before he couldn't see why I felt that way). He said I knew he gamed when he met, and I told him I realized that however not to this extent and he agreed that was true. He suggested the Thurs and Saturday idea for when he is working out of town. Most of the time before, he has never tried to see my way or even mention any type of compromise. I normally suggest something and he will agree or not agree. So this is a step I hope in the right direction that he realized that I wasn't asking for 100% of his time and attention, or for him to give up the gaming and proposed the compromise. I am proud how I stood my ground, I think he was ready for me to say "Aaahh, I was just mad, I'm not going anywhere" and when he realized I was continuing to pack my things and being pleasant with him the whole time I believe he realized I was gone. Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 I hate the 'blame game' idea a lot of people use. I have actually had to deal with that as well with a man I was dating, and it isn't easy to change that behavior. Make sure you set the boundaries early on in the reconciliation so it's very clear where they are crossed. Good luck to you! Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 hi Wildchild, your advice has been invaluable on other ppls posts that i have read. i always try to look up your posts when i'm feeling down, or need a dose of reality. please step back and examine your situation carefully. how much can a person change in so short a time? we are here to support you regardless, of course, but just the way he speaks to you alone gives me pause. can you try to take a break for just a couple weeks? or get counseling for both of you before you re-invest? we don't want him to drag you back into that hole... all the best Link to comment
jl301 Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Wildchild, It seems like you want to give him another chance. You said that you love enough to work things with him. I hope that you take things slowly and with precaution. I'm not saying that your ex is not going to change for the better. For me personally, "Talk is cheap and actions speak volume". I hope everythinng works out the way you want them to be. Keep us updated alright? Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 I am treading very cautiously this time around. I really enjoyed being back at my place and having that independence that comes along with it. I know I was very sad as I was packing my things, and he could see that. But I knew unless he was the one that suggested any type of compromise I could not continue in the relationship. He asked at one point if the boys and I planned on ever staying at his place again, and I told him I didn't know. Also after he made dinner I think he thought that was our "peace pipe" but afterwards I went back to packing. The best part about it guys is I was serious about it. I was ready (but sad) to walk out and not come back. Maybe he sensed that. I believe it is only fair to let him try. Like you said jl301, talk is cheap. So to be fair I want to see if he will follow through with everything. I also have the fact that I refuse to continue to let my house sit empty forever and I won't budge on that. I am very satisfied about how the conversations went in terms of talking. There wasn't any hostility, or sarcasm. Not that there always is, but considering the situation I wouldn't have dreamt in a million years we could actually talk with understanding and compassion. Like I said, I am scared. Mainly I guess because I so want him to follow through with this, and I am scared of being disappointed and putting more time and energy into something if he is not serious about this. Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Don't worry Wildchild, i'm sure you have enough 'radar' now and know him well enough to tell very quickly if he has changed or not. Within about a month the signs will be very clear, just don't ignore them is all. You're a strong, capable person. Remember that we always know what to do in any given situation. The hard part is doing it. Good luck Link to comment
WildChild Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 Don't worry Wildchild, i'm sure you have enough 'radar' now and know him well enough to tell very quickly if he has changed or not. Within about a month the signs will be very clear, just don't ignore them is all. You're a strong, capable person. Remember that we always know what to do in any given situation. The hard part is doing it. Good luck Yeah, that's for sure. I have him about pegged it seems, and then I get a whammy out of no where And you are so right...anywheres from 2-6 weeks will be the true indicator if he is sincere in this compromise. It's weird, but I almost feel like I should have one foot out the door until then. Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Well you certainly couldn't be blamed for having one foot out the door. Being cautious is a good thing when you've been burned very badly by someone. He will show if he is in fact making changes in his life very shortly. Give him a chance, but think of yourself and the boys first. Link to comment
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