the ache just won't stop.

[Outcast-Angel]

so i'm sure that a few of you have noticed that i haven't been doing too well lately. maybe it's just part of my normal rollercoaster-like depression. not that i've ever been diagnosed... but anyways! for a couple days, maybe even just over a week, i was doing good. granted, it was mostly because i'd decided that i'm not going to live past my 20th birthday, which is only a few months off. things just seemed easier to handle once i'd gotten that all decided and such. only then i stopped sleeping again. so i started drinking again, and since that doesn't actually help anything, and it got worse, and i started hallucinating again, i started getting high again. because when i'm high i really don't care.

i've been sober for the past 3 days though, and reality is setting in, and everything just seems to pointless. all last week i wanted to destroy something beautiful. i didn't think i could feel much worse.

i found an msn convo from a few years ago, between my ex gf and myself. i thought my heart was done breaking. i was wrong. reading it, i felt broken all over again. it just hurt. to see how much i've changed, how much i've lost.

did you know that i used to be genuinely chipper, and cute, and sweet? did you know i used to make people smile? did you know that i used to smile honestly? i miss her, and i forgot that she left a void in my heart when she went away, and changed. and now i remember. and it's horrible, and it aches, and i just want to forget the way things were.

because when i remembered how i was with her, and how much it hurts that she's gone and we both moved on, i remembered everything else. because she was there, and helped me through most of it.

how did i get so bitter, and twisted? what happened to me? how could i just let everything that was good about my life slip through my fingers? why did i clutch all the bad so close to my heart, and believe everything those stupid ******* voices whispered to me?

i wanted to destroy something beautiful. thing is, i already have. and realising what i could have been, what i was, it's killing me, and i can't even cry it hurts so much.

the only way i know to escape this ache is to get high, and cut myself. no amount of writing it out, or listening to music, or talking to anyone is going to help. it doesn't matter how many miles i run.. i can't get away from it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Bizarre, our lives are pretty much running in parallel right now!

 

Advice..Im low on that right now, but Im going to try and be empathetic here, if nothing else.

 

I had a dream about an ex I loved and still do lately, and that made me worse, like you rereading that convo. We are similar then...I too used to be ever so carefree and smiled a lot. And yeah..depression does rob you of that. It steals everything, doesn't it? I get the impression youve had this for several years and its got worse as time goes on, like mine.

 

And it does get kind of scary when it reaches the stage where no amount of writing, music listening, running, venting or talking will solve it. My mother is sort of trying to make me consider meds, have you been taking any, and would you consider them? Im trying to remain drug-free ("If i can get like this without meds, I can surely get better without them"-style thinking) though.

 

You know this etc, but remember alcohol will NOT help, as its a depressant. Although its better to abuse alcohol a bit than to get so low you kill yourself.

 

Sorry I wasnt any practical help, just...people know where you're coming from.

There is always the emergency room when you **really** feel like its all about to just collapse.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Hey! Im sorry your life seems so bad right now! But i know you wont believe it but something good will pick you right back up again! Please dont kill yourself! People do care about you and people want you to get help! I once got told that when a person dies it kills all the people around them some physically and emotionally some just emtionally. If you left this world im sure your friends could never be quite the same again! On the outside they may walk and talk like others. They may even laugh and cry like others, but chances are that if you looked closer, you would that they would hurt for a long time to come! People say time heals all wounds i stronly disagree tme doesnt kill any emtional scars its only the person that can truly be strong!

 

Please keep strong!

[Outcast-Angel]

thanks sweetheart.. i'm not entirely certain that we're exactly the same, but we do seem to have certain similarities. i dream about my ex's all the time.. mostly just the worst one, but it took remembering one of the sweetest, most cherished relationships of my life to bring me to my knees. it's one of the things i'm best at: forgetting.

depression does rob you of everything. i don't think i can even learn to be like everyone else. i don't think i can learn to trust again, or love with all my self. i don't think i'll ever close my eyes at night without being afraid of what i'll see in my head. and i'll never be able to sort out what's real and what's not without watching everyone else around me. every moment of happiness that i'll ever have will be tainted by the fear that any second i'll crash.

as for meds.. it's really a perfectly reasonable suggestion, but i simply won't entertain it. i have a horror of becoming dependant on meds. also, i'm terrorfied of doctors. although, i did land myself in the ER a few months ago, because of OD and slitting my wrists. they thought i was on speed or something, because i was shaking so bad.. i wasn't. i'd only taken advil.. i was just that scared. i bailed out of there the second i finished the charcoal.. and no one ever said anything. i used to say that if i drove myself this far into insanity, i can bloody well turn myself around, and fix myself. thing is, i'm all spun around, and i don't know which way is out anymore..

you're right about alcohol, it doesn't help. but it lets me cry. which is sometimes a big relief. and the drugs.. well, they make me really mellow, usually. and as long as i'm on them, the hallucinations don't mean i'm crazy, just that i'm trippin. cause it's normal to see things when you're high. and it's normal to not want to eat, and it's normal to not sleep.

it is scary to be where i am now. but this isn't the worst of it. i won't be there for another week or two. when i get there, i won't be online, i'll be curled up in my room, probably in the closet. or at the store, getting some more advil, and a nice bottle of wine.

[Outcast-Angel]

Hey! Im sorry your life seems so bad right now! But i know you wont believe it but something good will pick you right back up again! Please dont kill yourself! People do care about you and people want you to get help! I once got told that when a person dies it kills all the people around them some physically and emotionally some just emtionally. If you left this world im sure your friends could never be quite the same again! On the outside they may walk and talk like others. They may even laugh and cry like others, but chances are that if you looked closer, you would that they would hurt for a long time to come! People say time heals all wounds i stronly disagree tme doesnt kill any emtional scars its only the person that can truly be strong!

 

Please keep strong!

rozi, i'm sorry, i know i should probably respond when i'm more sober, but well.. yeah. i'm here now, so i figured i'd answer now. as for that "things will get better, people love you, you'll hurt them" speach.. i don't think i should start argueing, actually. cause lets face it; i'm high. and my current logic is very circular. it's prettier that way. and time won't heal these wounds. i'm cut to the quick, and there's a poison in my soul. it's hallowed me out, and left a scarred, ugly, stupid, useless, fat, lieing * * * * * where all my potential and hope and faith should be. thank you for responding though.. it was very sweet of you.

[Bethany]

Are these voices that you mention your own mind talking to you?

[becallamjr]

I have no advice for you, all I can say is that I'm sorry you too are going through this emotional anguish. I understand how you feel.

[Outcast-Angel]

Bethany, of course the voices are just in my head. it's difficult to explain though. i guess i have different emotionalities. they aren't quiet personalities, but they do have their own names. it's kinda complicated, and i'm sure i've just made myself sound even crazier than before. i call them emotionalities because they're almost different personalities, but only certain emotions go with each one. like one's super nervous all the time, and very neurotic. she's a total perfectionist, and it drive me crazy. but one's really sweet, and creative, and just kinda... carefree. i'm not going to tell you their names. but there are 5 of them, and me. i think that only 2 of them are really bad, and scary. but i've had them for a long time. it's not so bad, unless they start argueing.

or, maybe i'm just in denile and they really are personalities. but i don't want to be crazy.

anyways.. thanks becallamjr. i'm sorry that you do know how i feel. i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Bethany]

Sorry, what I meant is, is it your own voice talking or are these voices 'alien' to you?

And also... have you been to a doctor and told him about all your emotionalites yet because I think you really should?

[Outcast-Angel]

Sorry, what I meant is, is it your own voice talking or are these voices 'alien' to you?

And also... have you been to a doctor and told him about all your emotionalites yet because I think you really should?

the voices aren't mine, exactly. they're familiar.. but definitely not mine. i mean.. ugh, it's so hard to explain. i know they've got to be mine, because they're inside my head. but they're full of emotions, or cruelty, and just.. different from mine. it doesn't make sense.

a doctor? are you nuts? they'll toss me a bunch of pills, at best. or they'll lock me up in the psych ward. i don't even go to the doctor's for my cancer checks anymore. i can't be officially crazy. it's bad enough that they've got it on record at the hospital that i ODed and cut.

[Bethany]

There is no shame in having a mental illness. When you break a leg, you go to the hospital and have a cast put on, have painkillers etc. The same should be done when our mind 'breaks'. The only shame that I can see is that you continue to suffer with no help.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I feel you on the voices. I get them outside my head sometimes when I think they aretalking to me, but more commonly, its a relentless self-narrative running at manic speed that just wont leave me alone. Music drowns it out sometimes.

I sincerely hope things improve for you soon, I really do.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

There is no shame in having a mental illness. When you break a leg, you go to the hospital and have a cast put on, have painkillers etc. The same should be done when our mind 'breaks'. The only shame that I can see is that you continue to suffer with no help.

 

I agree completely! Please just keep going you need help. Theres nothing wrong with that at all. Help is out there and waiting for people to find it! Please reconsider!

[becallamjr]

As long as your voice stays in control, that is all that really matters. Doctor's and pill's, they are not so bad if it is helping to become healthy. I don't think they would put you in a psych ward or anything like that, as long as you are coherent to what is going on around you. If your voices were telling you that the mighty mole men from the underground secret water cavern were gonna come take you away or the voices tell you to go to a church during sunday mass lock everyone inside and set it a blaze, as long as your not acting on what the voices tell you to do and rather use your own voice and general good judgement, I don't see them locking you up. I see a doctor evaluating your situation and getting the best help you possibly can get. If your sick of the pain and the voices, then what is so wrong about going to get some help? If you don't like there help, you don't have to continue using it. At least try.

[Outcast-Angel]

bethany... i hate to break it to you, but i don't go to the doctor's for broken bones, or dislocations. the only time i did make an appearance there for a broken bone was when i was 14, when i broke my hand boxing... and my parents made me go, after about 2 weeks of me being stubborn. i will not go to the doctor's, i won't take meds. which is ironic, since i don't seem to mind taking drugs instead. but that was besides the point.

becallamjr, thanks for the vote of confidence... but i'm not always coherent. and they do lock you away if you're a danger to yourself. sometimes i get these strange urges.. like to gouge out my eyes, or smash my arm with a hammer, or swallow a bottle of pills or bleach.. or to go lay down in the street at night. i generally have to sit on my hands, or otherwise physically restrain myself to prevent myself from giving in to those urges. that, or i have to SI instead.

what's wrong with getting help? in theory, nothing. but if they take away all my emotionalities... there'll be nothing left. well.. assuming they take the hallucinations, too.

Antilove Superstar... those auditory hallucinations are a pain, and can be really confusing. but i think that the high speed self-narrative inside your head probably does more psychological damage.

[Bethany]

Sorry, I meant people in general. And I hate to break it to you too, but being stubborn is a losers way out, recognising that you are ill and seeking help is the winners way out. But it's your choice.

[becallamjr]

Angel,

 

You got to do something, I've been "put away" before. It's not so bad, I am a better person today for it. I have a great job, good friends, nice things. I'm still a mess on the inside, but aren't we all? I was in your position many times in my life, sometimes it was unbearable and sometimes it was tolerable, but I'm still here. I strongly encourage you go get help. I know you say you don't do doctors but what is the worst that could come out of it?, you can always go back to where you are right now.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Why are you scared of getting better... what keeps you locked in this way of living? Because usually, theres some kind of perversely well intentioned reason why you wont help yourself.

 

Is this the only way you now know how to be and so change is just terrifying?

 

Is this the only way you think you deserve to live?

 

Is it that you hurt yourself all the time so that others dont have a chance, and youd rather have predictable self inflicted constant pain that you can control to some extent, than risk being nicer to yourself but thereby letting other people have the opportunity to hurt you?

 

Not being funny with you, but if you wont go and get help at least ask yourself some stuff like that. There must be at least a part of you that wants to keep going..you post and reply here..so.

[Outcast-Angel]

Sorry, I meant people in general. And I hate to break it to you too, but being stubborn is a losers way out, recognising that you are ill and seeking help is the winners way out. But it's your choice.

then maybe i'm just a loser.

[Outcast-Angel]

Attempt Redemption

Tell me i'm real, so you can shut me out watch me fade so you don't have to care tell me i'm beautiful so i can tell when you lie leave me broken so i can't break on my own tell me i've hurt you so i can hurt myself more cut my mind open, redemption made in blood tell me i'm ordinary so i don't have to try let myself fall down in the dark once again tell me the story of the love of your life so i can look in the mirror and know it's not me tell me all the things a good girl should be so i'll know i'm not ideal, never could be tell me you're leaving so i'll have time to cry time to hate all the things in me to beg forgiveness when you can't hear to punish me more, things you'll never find out attempt redemption, commit sacrafice.

[Bethany]

Funny that, you're more predictable than I thought. I was expecting it. Such a cop out for not seeking help.

 

But because you said yourself that these are self-narrative and at high speed, and the way you write with such ease and beauty, I am inclined to think that you're mind is just exhausted from emotional suffering hence the high speed thoughts.

And btw, there is NOTHING that you can tell me about the way you feel that I don't already know, I've been there, I've heard it, I've lived it, I've felt it and I won because I beat it. Just like you could.

[Outcast-Angel]

i can't beat it. it's as much a part of me as my arms, or heart. every beat of my bitter heart pumps darkness through my brain, and it's an endless litany of hatred, and self disgust, and a death wish. i'm supposed to get checked for cancer every 6 months. i stopped going, and started smoking. why? because i'm going to get cancer. i just thought it might speed things along. it's disgusting, and i hate it. but apparently it's better than cutting, right? oh wait. i haven't stopped that either. i want the world to stop spinning. but wait, maybe i'm just high. i want to stop giving myself excuses as to why i feel the way i do, but wait! it doesn't matter if i take the reasons away, i still feel that way! i'm really sorry. i'm just so freaking out right now. and since yuou've felt everything i have, i'm sure you'll understand. but my brain is on fire, and my wrists are itching. so i'll check back later.

i just want to scream

[Bethany]

Facing the truth is never easy and I understand your anger at me. But instead of fighting me, why not try not to fight and why not find out how strong you really are by letting your brain burn and your wrists itch despite the need to cut and deal with your thoughts instead of making excuses? It's got to be better than living 'there', hasn't it?

[Outcast-Angel]

i'm sorry.. sarcasm is an unfortuante defensive mechanism. and i can appreciate that you're trying to help, but.. i duon't know. maybe i'm just frusterated, and tired of trying so hard to not cry, or to be tough. it's all about what peope see, you know? if what they see on the outside looks fine (especially if they think you're pretty), than you must really be ok. it's a skill that i've perfected over the years.

i've looked the truth in the face several times, actually. all that i've been able to accomplish is a semi-victory over anorexia and then bulemia. don't get me wrong. i still relapse. in fact, the more i smoke, the less i eat. but anyways.. i'm not actually angry at you. it's all being misdirected, and i appologize. but i couldn't let my brain burn, and my wrists itch. the next stage involves hallucinations, with the bugs, and maggots under my skin, and Charlie whispering mean and ugly things in my head, and i don't know any other way to make him stop except the blood.

p.s. i know i'm crazy. but knowing it isn't half the battle, cause it doesn't help.

[Bethany]

but i couldn't let my brain burn, and my wrists itch. the next stage involves hallucinations, with the bugs, and maggots under my skin, and Charlie whispering mean and ugly things in my head, and i don't know any other way to make him stop except the blood.

p.s. i know i'm crazy. but knowing it isn't half the battle, cause it doesn't help.

 

You're not crazy, if you were you wouldn't be able to string a sentence together, let alone sign in and reply with such a coherent manner. You're just stubborn and you sound alot like I used to.

I also know about the 'pretty thing', as I to have been called 'lovely' 'pretty',and 'gorgeous', etc has been said many times throughout my life, doesn't mean **** when you're down I know.

 

Nobody said it was easy, but with perservance and a determination to beat this 'thing', it can be done. And if you need help, you should seek it out with everything you have inside. Nobody deserves to suffer alone, it's a losers battle where mental illness is the only winner.