horty232 Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 ok me and girlfriend of about a year got back together about two weeks ago from breaking up for about two weeks. This was our first break up and it took a bad toll on me. Were back together now... but I feel really insecure about the whole situation and am always wondering what she is doing....how she feels about me...is this what she really wants...blah blah blah u know the drill... are these feelings natural after being hurt (the break-up was because we both thought there was something missing in the relationship and we got back together after discussing what we both wanted to change in it) but now i just feel as though she doesnt want to be with me anymore...which is screwed up i know because logically she wouldnt be with me if she didnt want to be right? I dont know... i guess im asking is this natural for this too happen.... are my feelings really telling me something about her and what she "might" be doing... or am i just over-reacting and need to get over this insecurity some way or another (and if thats the case i could really use some pointers!! Thanx a lot.... Link to comment
photomo Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Love is not love without trust...If you cannot trust her, you cannot love her. I respect that you are insecure about the situation - afterall, I would be too if my ex got back with me - but until you can learn to forgive and forget the past, and gain back that trust, your relationship will go nowhere. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 The first break up hurt, of course it's normal to have some residual feelings related to that. I've been there, I know how it goes. It takes time to get over a break up even if you are with the person again after the break up! The bigger questions though are why did you guys break up in the first place and why did you get back together? In my opinion and experience, if you two haven't really addressed and commited to working on the issues which caused the break up in the first place, it will happen all over again...and you just bought yourself a ticket for a ride on the emotional roller coaster... Link to comment
horty232 Posted March 18, 2006 Author Share Posted March 18, 2006 The first break up hurt, of course it's normal to have some residual feelings related to that. I've been there, I know how it goes. It takes time to get over a break up even if you are with the person again after the break up! The bigger questions though are why did you guys break up in the first place and why did you get back together? In my opinion and experience, if you two haven't really addressed and commited to working on the issues which caused the break up in the first place, it will happen all over again...and you just bought yourself a ticket for a ride on the emotional roller coaster... very comforting....haha... i feel like im addressing the problems... i dont feel as though she is and she is putting this all on me to fix this relationship... im trying to tell her its not only me who has to change to make this work...but i dont think she really understands that... i dont know i guess your right it probably will happen all over again and i feel like i cant do anything to stop it because im putting forth all the effort to try and make it work and im receiving practically nothing.... i want it to work so bad but i dont know how she feels... she just tells me things have to change fast (she wants me to open up to her more and share more of my feelings...start doing more things for her, and other such) but i am doing those things and getting nothing in return... does this sound like a lost cause to any of you?? or help me out on what to do or say to her to try and make this work Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Oh man, this sounds exactly like my last relationship. You do know how how she feels. Actions speak louder than words my friend and her actions are telling you that a relationship with you is not worth her effort to make it happen. You feel like you are doing everything and getting practically nothing. This thing is all about her, her, her. Can you live with that long-term? There are far better relationships out there awaiting you that you'll get more out of bro... Link to comment
horty232 Posted March 18, 2006 Author Share Posted March 18, 2006 Oh man, this sounds exactly like my last relationship. You do know how how she feels. Actions speak louder than words my friend and her actions are telling you that a relationship with you is not worth her effort to make it happen. You feel like you are doing everything and getting practically nothing. This thing is all about her, her, her. Can you live with that long-term? There are far better relationships out there awaiting you that you'll get more out of bro... Well im sorry about your last relationship it really sucks to give so much and not receive anything in return. I think your right and i know what i have to do...but it is just so hard because i know how good this relationship can be... but i know i cant continue it unless she wants to start giving back to me like the past. Do you think if we break up and i do NC she will realize what shes losing...a caring guy who will do practically anything to make her happy as long as i know she she willing to give me 100 percent back... or is the way she treating me right now kind of showing that she is not interested in this relationship anymore... (and if thats the case why did she give me a second chance instead of breaking all ties when we were broken up two weeks ago) Thanks for all your advice by the way its really helping me think things over a lot. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Do you think if we break up and i do NC she will realize what shes losing...a caring guy who will do practically anything to make her happy as long as i know she she willing to give me 100 percent back... My experience has shown me that this can happen, but eventually (maybe a few weeks or so), things will go back to the way they were. She gave you a second chance because she has feelings for you (not as strong as yours for her though I think) and she has nothing to lose. I mean, wouldn't you take yourself back if you do so much for nothing in return? She's got nothing else going on and it's like a free boyfriend for her. In some senses, she is using you I think in that way. That's a pretty common theme I've seen over the years...but you're making it so easy for her to do... You know how good the relationship can be. I've sung that song so many times before. You love her, I know how that goes. Jesus it's tough, probably one of the hardest things you'll face in your life. But you know in your head what needs to be done here. Listen to that voice instead of the one in your heart creating these hopelessly romantic illusions that she'll come around, change forever and you guys will live happily ever after. Fall in love with yourself bro! Link to comment
jojean Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 ..and i feel like i cant do anything to stop it because im putting forth all the effort to try and make it work and im receiving practically nothing.... i want it to work so bad but i dont know how she feels... she just tells me things have to change fast (she wants me to open up to her more and share more of my feelings...start doing more things for her, and other such) but i am doing those things and getting nothing in return... Maybe it's better to ask.. what are those things you actually do for her?? Maybe it's like you do a lot.. but not exactly what she wants to see?? Also try to discuss this with her. How you feel. Exactly what you wrote here. That you are doing your best to do those things for her, but aren't feeling that you're getting some in return. "Forgiveness Void - No one is perfect. Mistakes are a part of life. Those unwilling or unable to forgive, can pretty much count on having more unhealthy relationships over time. Relationships based or growing on anger, spite, disgust, resentment or other negative feelings associated with lack of forgiveness are like wilted flowers. They need tending to or they'll die. Problems are not to break us. Working together on problems makes us strong. " (not mine.. but maybe wise to think about??) Link to comment
horty232 Posted March 19, 2006 Author Share Posted March 19, 2006 well i did discuss the changes and things she wanted to see in me and i did a pretty good job of showing her all the things she wanted me to do... and i wanted to make those changes happen as well it wasnt just for her.... but i dont know i talked to her about how she is giving me nothing in return and i feel like shes giving me 50 percent all the time... but she blamed it work and how she was tired and exhausted all the time. I jujst dont understand that even when if your tired and crabby you still want to be there for the one you love. well given all that... i did do what i knew i had to do in my head...and i should probably be switching over to the breaking up forum right now but oh well. When i did though...she said i didnt underrstand that she had a busy schedule and that she cant always give me 100 percent...but i do understand about her work and things like that but i figure the two or three days we get to see eachother a week she should be able to be there for me instead of textin her friends or being crabby all the time...its just not what i want/need in a relationship... a busy schedule doesnt bother me...its the fact that she cant give me 100 percent... am i wrong for doing this? Should i be more understanding about her busy work schedule and her not being able to be the person she used to be? i dont know i think i did the right thing but i dont know how to take it from here.... Link to comment
jojean Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Does she also give you the security not to worry? Sometimes it can be very demanding a busy schedule that at the end when you do got some time left. That you just don't have any energy left. Does she say that she loves/care about you and the situation? It indeed does take two to work this out. It shouldn't be only you. If she doesn't seem to care that you're bothered by this.. Then it's definitely no good. If she really also care and love you. This person will also do 'anything' to make your doubts away. But on the other hand.. maybe you're doing too much?? You might expect too much what makes you disappointed everytime. Try if you're doing things for her not to think about getting some in return. (to prevent disappoinments) And give it some time. 'Cause you guys aren't back together for really long. This also needs time to heal.. even when it's not really clear what she wants exactly at this moment. And if i understood your post right. It also seems that you two only hang out in house? That also might not be inspiring for her. She's probably to used to that you're doing anything for her. (almost like.. taking you for granted) Another idea is maybe to go out for a while and really spending time together. Like a weekend or week somewhere. Then she can't blame her busy schedule. And her focus will be with you. Link to comment
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