New member : advice appreciated

[Clarkmeister]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible but give you enough info to offer advice on how to handle this situation :

 

My girlfriend and I are having a "break" from our relationship of 3 years, 2 of which we have been living together. She felt it wasn't working anymore and the "spark" had gone. She still loves me but is maybe not "in love" with me.

 

I moved 400 miles from Scotland to England for work reasons and to be with her too. We have generally had a good relationship over the 3 years but have had some blips since living together, mainly down to me feeling isolated and her feeling guilty about doing things on her own. Although we have recognised this as a problem, nothing was done to solve it as something would come along and sweep it under the carpet (holiday, house decorating etc).

 

However, at this moment her mum is about to move abroad (end of this month) and she has been clearing out lots of stuff from her mums house which is also the house she has grown up in. She is clearing out lots of old toys, cards etc which has beenquite emotional for her. This maybe a factor in how she is feeling just now and may impact on how we deal with the relationship.

 

I was totally devestated by the break but I managed to get support and advice from friends and family to help me through itand also to sort my life out. I now realise that I wasn't as happy as i thought, and since my return home I have made inroads into building my life down here. I have joined a sports club and have been out with an old work friend and one of my neighbours. I have also realised that our relationship wasn't balanced, it needs 3 parts, my own life, her own life, and our life together. My part didn't exist and she felt guilty on her part thereforeeee our relationship suffered. I now know we could have a great life together as it has been pretty good up till now.

 

We have been split for 25 day now and my contact with her has been minimal . In the early stages it was purely functional (mail from the house etc) but in the last few days I have seen her at work (we work for the same company but not together) and we had a nice friendly chat, not about us as such, and we finished off by saying it was nice to see each other. Since then she text me about having something delivered to the house and again was quite chatty.However, the thing she was getting delivered was a new mobile phone as she is moving to a friends with no landline. This has frustrated me as she seems to be quite friendly and we seemed to be making progress yet she is still not thinking in terms of moving back.

 

I know what we could have if she were to come home and I know she probably doesn't know this yet but don't know how to play it in terms of time. I feel we are stood at opposite ends of a minefield and sometimes I just want to run and get her but am afraid I may step on a mine.

 

Any advice / help is appreciated ?

[tylercdurden2004]

Where ya faye pal! I had abreak up with a girl of one year. Minimal contact, I went travelling again. Phoned me out of the blue. Got back together, came to Australia and we lived together for 6 months great time. Were together for 3 yeaers intotal until this week. SHe wasnt ready and hadnt grown on her own (ie I wasnt the one). It sucks but I am toatlly cool with it. My advice have very little (and very lite) or no contact with her and do something new. If you are under 30 and feeling dismal with the S*** british weahter maybe a one year working holiday visa would be a good idea. Something new for you and gives her the space and time she needs to deal with the stuff she is going through now.

[RayKay]

it needs 3 parts, my own life, her own life, and our life together

 

I love that you realized this, for a long time I have said two people together does not equal 1+1=1...but rather 1+1=1+1+1 (you, them & relationship).

 

It is difficult to say where this may go....some people do get back together, many more don't. I think it is important you continue on the path you are of healing, and moving forward and don't out yourself in a situation where you are being led on or held back (even if it was unintentional) by her uncertainity.

 

However, I do think before you do this you probably yourself need to know you have tried "everything". Can I suggest you talk to her very frankly about what you have discovered, and ask her if she would like to attend counselling together to see if you can get back on track? Don't beg or plead, just be very straight that you want to work at it together if she is willing. If she says yes, wonderful, see where it goes. If not, then I suggest you limit your contacts with her and move forward with your life.

[Clarkmeister]

Where ya faye pal! I had abreak up with a girl of one year. Minimal contact, I went travelling again. Phoned me out of the blue. Got back together, came to Australia and we lived together for 6 months great time. Were together for 3 yeaers intotal until this week. SHe wasnt ready and hadnt grown on her own (ie I wasnt the one). It sucks but I am toatlly cool with it. My advice have very little (and very lite) or no contact with her and do something new. If you are under 30 and feeling dismal with the S*** british weahter maybe a one year working holiday visa would be a good idea. Something new for you and gives her the space and time she needs to deal with the stuff she is going through now.

Fae Dundee mate !! I am just the wrong side of 30 but feel my new outlook is giving me a new sense of purpose. I just want my girlfriend back to complete the circle.

[Clarkmeister]

Thanks for that RayKay. That is my plan but I am scared what the answer will be, even though I am not sure if it will be that or not. My issue and the help I am seeking is regarding timing. If I move too fast, she may throw up the defences but if I wait to long she may not think I care. Also, I think once her mum moves away she will be a different person emotionally. What do you think with regards the timing ? I am ready NOW, but I don't think she is even close to realising thing, I might even know more thats going on in her head than she does just now.

[Relationship Coach]

Clark,

 

She has prepared better to move on because many times the term "taking a break" is often used as a softer choice of words for breaking up. I know you hope I am wrong and I do too for your sake but deep down, I feel she is headed in a different direction. Saying that she loves you but may not be "in love" with you leads me to believe that she has possibly met someone who stirred up some feelings so naturally she has to now question what she feels for you.

 

I would go NC simply to give you time to think about how you want to proceed. You cannot force her to be in love with you but maybe some space and time away from her will do you some good and let her see that you are OK. I know after 3 years this is hard but don't you want to be with someone who wants you? Sometimes we tend to hold on to those things which we know are not good for us.

 

RC

[tylercdurden2004]

Fae Dundee mate !! I am just the wrong side of 30 but feel my new outlook is giving me a new sense of purpose. I just want my girlfriend back to complete the circle.

 

Cool I spent 1 year in Edinburgh, well to be honest the pubs of edinburgh. 30 or not take bit of time off for yourself and do things taht will make YOU happy and help YOU grow. Its the old cliche if its meant to be it will be. I definitely thougth after being apart me and my now ex would be together but it doesnt always work out that way and alot of it was she needed her teim to grow as a person without me, adn most likely forever. But now I feeel relief that I can get on with my life and do the things that I want to do and will make me happy. If she comes back well I'll have to decide at that point just like I did last time. If she does not want to truly be with you taht circle will never be complete.

[Clarkmeister]

I maybe wrong RC but I think that the emotions that have been aroused by her mother leaving has alot to do with how she is feeling at the moment. As soon as it was confirmed that she was definitely going by the sale of the house, she lost her buzz about everything, work, house, us and she is usually quite a bubbly person. Her mum told me she felt safe to move away as her daughter was "sorted". This has maybe magnified any insecurities about the relationship and made her panic. There has been a definite build up to this point in terms of her feeling responsible for me and maybe to a point suffocated.

 

I understand your points about the choice of language, it ws maybe more my suggestion that we "take a break" rather than split up. However, in the weeks since the break we have had to talk about things like the financial arrangements with our house / holidays etc. In fact, we have a holiday booked for June and would lose money ifwe were to cancel I suggested that we cancel and it was her who said we should hold off until we spoke about things after we'd been apart. I may be holding onto these things as I want her back so much just now, but i genuinely believe that given the actions I have taken to sort my life out and once she gets the emotion of her mum leaving (they are very close) then we can try again.

[Clarkmeister]

Cool I spent 1 year in Edinburgh, well to be honest the pubs of edinburgh. 30 or not take bit of time off for yourself and do things taht will make YOU happy and help YOU grow. Its the old cliche if its meant to be it will be. I definitely thougth after being apart me and my now ex would be together but it doesnt always work out that way and alot of it was she needed her teim to grow as a person without me, adn most likely forever. But now I feeel relief that I can get on with my life and do the things that I want to do and will make me happy. If she comes back well I'll have to decide at that point just like I did last time. If she does not want to truly be with you taht circle will never be complete.

 

Thats what I am doing just now tyler and thats what has been missing in my life and has caused all the strain in the realationship. Apart from that, we are perfect. I am now dong the things hat make ME happy, and there was no reason for me not to do this years ago, I just got into a rut and took her for granted. I just want her to come back as i know things can be really special, I think we are a great couple and so does all our friends and family. It would be a terrrible waste.

 

Had a few nights in Edinburgh in my time but prefer Glasgow as I have family there. Glad you enjoyed it !!!

[Relationship Coach]

Well I hope that everything works out for the two of you but you must prepare yourself for the worst just in case. You are right she has been through much that in a healthy relationship that often pulls couples together not away. Give her some time, there is not much you can do but wait if that is really what you want. Best Wishes.

 

RC