Husband and Pictures

[fairychick]

I don't even know what to say. This just happened. I've been married for 5 years to a wonderful man...he's kind, takes care of me, loves me. Due to my health we haven't been sexually active - or at least not enough for him. He denies it, but I know that he's looking at a lot of porn on the Net. Most of it is anime pictures, but there are more than a few "real" women as well. I actually didn't mind because it took pressure off of me. ANd mostly he plays with the images digitally making slide shows and changing wallpapers.

 

He's been mentioning that he wants me to buy some boy short panties because he loves my butt (I guess I should be flattered). He said I should only buy them if I wanted to, if I liked them, etc. Yesterday I bought a couple pairs figuring why not. They were comfortable and I put a pair on when we got home and laid down because I wasn't feeling well. I woke up early this morning and one of the cats was being all cute so I decided to take a picture with the digital camera. when I went to look at it there were 7 pictures of ME. He had come in the room while I was sleeping and taken pictures of me!! I had on a tshirt and the panties, and was asleep in a fetal type position which made my butt stick out. You can't see my face. I don't usally bother his computer but I looked at his image program and he had taken one of the images and is using it to make a wallpaper type thing. I KNOW he would never share these pictures of me. But that's not the problem

 

I was raped at age 12 and at age 19. So I have a few sexual problems to begin with, and issues with trust when it comes to sex. When I saw the pictures I felt violated. I love him, but I'm so afraid that he's becoming more and more obsessed with sex. Im not worried about his having an affair, but I don't want to be afraid to take a nap because he might sneak up on me with the camera and snap away. Especially when I'm sleeping. The last time I was raped it was by someone who broke into my house and woke me up by standing over me. So I'm not comfortable sleeping anyway.

 

Suggestions on what I should do?

 

fairychick

[pimpcess]

U are in a tough position, i feel for you.

I really feel your husband should show u more respect considering what you've been through. Fair enough he has a high sexual appetite but he has to understand the effect all of this is having on u. And hows he gonna do that unless u talk to him?

 

It was not fair at all to take your pictures without your consent, he needs to be more considerate.

 

Tell him everything that u feel, u need lots of communication and u need to come to a compromise, tell him whats in your heart.

 

Good luck.

[glassbell]

Dear Fairychick,

 

I can see why you felt violated because of him taking pictures of you when you are not aware, since in a way you associate it with the awful things that have happened to you. The similarity is that someone did something to you when you were not aware and could not defend yourself. The difference is, that your husband means to do you no harm with it.

 

Communication is indeed the keyword in this issue, just like SwingFox and Pimpcess say. I just want to stress that you don't just want to forbid him to take pictures, but most of all.. explain him exactly why you asociate the picture taking with your past experiences. He probably thinks it was totally innocent, and thought you were so cute while sleeping. He just loves you and the way you look. He has no idea it scared you.

 

Good luck,

~glassbell

[secret_agent_man]

First off, I am sorry to hear of your past "issues". No one should ever have to experience something like that. It's a horrible thing, and it's good to see that you are still a strong person. Know that you are doing much better than many people that I know, some can't even have the slightest relationship. I'm glad you've moved past it for the most part, and have become stronger than many...

 

To the other posts: I completely agree, I'm sure he meant NO harm, he just likes to look at you, so you shouldn't be concerned about that. I think you already know that, though.

 

The very important thing, as has been said, is that you fully communicate the problem to him. Tell him that you are flattered that he would rather look at you than at someone else, but tell him that it needs to be on your own terms, not his. Don't back him in to a corner, it's not neccisary, and as I said: he probably doesn't realize it bothers you.

 

Just talk about why it bothers you, and make sure he understands the real reason behind it. Either way, having your past or not, I can understand why it would bother someone. It is a violation of your trust, but I can also see why you would have a MUCH bigger problem with it.

 

In short, just talk about it, I'm sure he'll understand if he cares for you. Don't worry, just talk it through first...

 

Good luck!

 

S.A.M.

[fairychick]

Thank you for taking the time to provide such wise and kind answers. I know he means no harm, and we've always been able to talk. So of course we will talk about this. It was just the shock of seeing them - with the anniversary date of the first rape coming up. I'm sensitive to things like this now. But he's a good man and he'll understand.

 

Thanks again...sleep warm.

 

tara

[FinchRUs666]

more than likely have a nice chat with him.... tell him how you feel and why you do not wish for him to do this... yes this is tough but its never right to violate someones privacy, he may not have meant anything by it, but yes i still agree it was wrong... talk to him and make sure he does know how u feel, and see if u can get him to stop

[sisterlynch]

What he is doing is a little weird, but not that bad. I would say that he is in the normal range of behaviors given his conditions and so are you. Somehow you are going to have to forgive yourself for being raped. It is not the shape of your body that a rapist is after it is your innocence. If you could do something that would make you feel less vulnerable, then you would love and accept your husband for himself. However on some level you are still dealing with the trauma of the rape that you received.

 

See someone who is a specialist in this area and you will be surprised at the huge change in your own self identity.

 

Take some karate lessons, that may help too. What is the nature of your illness?