fight in front of his family

[HangingInThere]

My bf and i had a horrible fight in front of his family - i mean really really bad. needless to say, I am very ashamed and embarras. We broke up the same night of the fight (this happened 3 weeks ago).

 

After the incident occurred, i called his mom and sincerely apologized to her, she was upset, i dont blamed her....inthe midst of my anger i yelled out, your son is a fu*king liar!

 

Now, my bf and i made amends and we are going to really work things out. Last nigth I told him we should have a talk with his mom and tell her our intentions.

 

So we are walking into her house and she looked at me like she had just seen a ghost, she said, "you again" and was totally not happy to see me. My bf basically said to her that i am the woman he is going to marry and he loves me and that night it was all his fault. She then turn and say, that she was surprise at the both of us and i disrespected her by saying what i said...he then said, " that i was very upset and i just blurted it out...he was really defending me and taking the blame for what happened on that infamous night!

she then said if that is what we want to do and we need to stop arguing and yelling so much and we concur that it was never going to happen again!

 

Well i felt very uncomfortable and i wanted to leave, he basically said to me she is going to get over becuase she never seen either of us behave that way before. Now i do not know what i should do, do i stop going over to the house when he goes, this is something we did quite often in the past or do i go hoping she is going to come around. BTW, he said she asked for me this morning and didn't appear upset! but who knows, maybe he is just trying to set my mind at ease!

 

His mom and I had such a great relationship int he past, but now i do not know how to mend it, if it is 'mendable'!

 

please adivse!

[tasiattasia]

i think you owe his mother a apology. you dragged her in the middle of your fight between you and her son. i think you did wrong.

[Relationship Coach]

It will mend with time, such ugliness will take time to get past. The two of you really need to consider counseling, hurtful words are hard to get past and once used, they are more easily spoken the next time. You have much work before you to prove to yourself as well as others that you can make this relationship work. Feeling guilty in this case, probably shows your sincerity to right a wrong.

 

RC

[HangingInThere]

as i said in my post, i did apologize that night and again last night!

[becallamjr]

I think it is water under the bridge. LEt it go and go on with life.

[HangingInThere]

should i speak to her a 3rd time? or just let it heal itself now

[ElektraHere]

Trying to win over a parent who has seen us at our worst is well....the worst. You have both explained what happened and apologized. I would suggest you ask her out for lunch or dinner? If you had a good relationship before then rebuid it back. If she is into manicures or pedicures ask if she would like to go and get them done together.

Unfortunatley she will always remember what you said it is now up to her if she will let it go.

Good Luck

[becallamjr]

It will mend with time, such ugliness will take time to get past. The two of you really need to consider counseling, hurtful words are hard to get past and once used, they are more easily spoken the next time. You have much work before you to prove to yourself as well as others that you can make this relationship work. Feeling guilty in this case, probably shows your sincerity to right a wrong.

 

RC

 

Not everyone needs counseling, I'm not saying its a bad thing, but what happened to being able to work things out as individuals. Sure you can go to a shrink, that doesn't know you, doesn't interact with you, and they give their little two cents and charge a ridiculous amount.

[Scout]

I think you did something you regret, and have made admirable efforts at fixing it ever since. I was really pleased to see you called her to apologize, that must have taken real guts on your part!

 

That being said, I think you and your boyfriend have to expect it's going to take some time to mend this. He should probably not defend you quite so much, though, if he wants to get back in good with his mom, lol. Maybe he just needs to say, "you know, both of us behaved unacceptably, and again, we're both incredibly embarrassed and sorry about it."

 

Hang in there, and just consistently be mature and pleasant around everyone. Eventually, they'll chalk it up to a one-time incident.

[HangingInThere]

its funny you say that, last night he said had it been him, he would have been to nervous to approach my family - he really commended me!!!!!!

 

i am glad i did too (initiate that we would both have a talk with her). If not, I would have just casually walked into her place thinking eveything was okay and it would have been much worse for me!

[Scout]

Not everyone needs counseling, I'm not saying its a bad thing, but what happened to being able to work things out as individuals. Sure you can go to a shrink, that doesn't know you, doesn't interact with you, and they give their little two cents and charge a ridiculous amount.

 

I agreed with the first part of your post, but you lost me at the last part. Most people who go into counseling have a genuine love of helping other people. Case in point: Relationship Coach. He actually does this for a living, but he spends countless time on eNotalone giving away his advice for free. And he's very adept at spotting trouble issues, so he may see something about this exchange that we don't. If the fight this poster had with her boyfriend escalated so terribly, it could be a sign that relationship counseling would help. Especially if it involves a recurring problem they haven't been able to fix on their own by now.

[Scout]

i am glad i did too (initiate that we would both have a talk with her). If not, I would have just casually walked into her place thinking eveything was okay and it would have been much worse for me!

 

Lol, and then imagine your embarrassment when you learned things were not exactly ok. Confronting difficult situations isn't easy, especially when we have to face someone that we behaved less than ideal in front of. It is really terrific of you to have done so.

[Relationship Coach]

Originally Posted by becallamjr

Not everyone needs counseling, I'm not saying its a bad thing, but what happened to being able to work things out as individuals. Sure you can go to a shrink, that doesn't know you, doesn't interact with you, and they give their little two cents and charge a ridiculous amount.

 

Twenty years ago, who really needed a mechanic? Like cars, relationships have become more complex over the years due to many variables in which I'm not going to waste my time addressing for the obvious reasons. A shrink and a counselor are not the same and it is assumptions such as yours that cause people to not get needed help. You seem to have a really detached conclusion about what counseling is and how it works. As for costs, there are many places that are either covered by insurance or offer free couples counseling. Churches are very committed to this as well and I volunteer my services through our church as well at no charge. Although most of my clients receive more than my two cents, just getting some direction and clarity can save a bad relationship or make a good one better. When a couple enters counseling together it's not because they can't work out their issues, it's because they know they can and want to.

 

Scout is also right in saying that you may not see things as I do, that is why people come here because of the diversity of comments, suggestions and advice which is given freely. There are many people on here who give excellent advice and do this because they enjoy helping others and it is far from their chosen occupation. There are also some on here that give almost carbon copied answers because their own opinion or situation has made them less than objective and they offer advice based on what they themselves want to be told by others, validation if you will.

 

Couples such as this one sometimes need help in learning how to properly express themselves in a healthy manner so their issues do not escalate or flow in to other relationships in a damaging way. Now they have the two relationships to repair.

 

RC

[OceanEyes]

I think it is water under the bridge. LEt it go and go on with life.

 

I agree. We all make mistakes -- the difference between a true 'winner' and a loser, is how we choose to LEARN from those mistakes. You are obviously apologetic, and feel awful. Nobody can expect more than that.

 

If his mother is going to hold this against you for the rest of her life, then I would suggest moving incredibly far away from your in-laws. People who hold grudges over things like this are tedious. It's not THAT big of a deal, when all is said and done. You apologized and expressed regret, took steps to admit you were wrong, and are STILL dealing with the consequences.

 

Leave it at that - life shouldn't be about feeling like dog crap over something like this. Hold your head up and move on.

[HangingInThere]

Thanks everyone! His mom came around, she is back to treating me the way she did before - with much love and admiration!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[OceanEyes]

Of course she would. It's really not that big of a deal. You had an outburst of emotion and apologized for it. Done. Moving on.

[Scout]

hooray! a great lesson learned for you, and you did admirably well at fixing it. kudos!