Keeping emotions in check... my story...

[Frangipani]

No one has any advice for me?

[BONO]

I did yesterday ! Post 116 !

 

Scruff

[Frangipani]

Ahhh yes, sorry Scruff. I didn't realise your post was directed at me. Yes, been hard for me to see any action as he doesn't live in my city. I only have words and we haven't even spoken on the phone since December. Only talk via msn. Will have to wait and see I guess, but how I deal with things now is is much more positively than before. I'm pretty sure I will be able tohold my own while he is here. And like I said to him...I will not be pursuing anything. What's the point? I am proud of myself for telling him I have feelings but wont be doing anything about them. It took a lot for me to say that...but its the truth. You can't make someone want you again. Being the happy, confident person I was when we met is all I can be.

[enolaton]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

 

Well, I mustered up the courage, and asked my ex if she wanted to hang out. I figured, we had a decent talk last night, it's obvious she confides in me, why not give it a shot?

 

Well... it wasn't received too well. BUT, not becuase she didn't want to see me, but becuase she wasn't in the mood to see me as a result of all the stuff she is upset about from the night before (she found out her rebound ex cheated on her while they were together).

 

To make a long story short, the ex brought "Us" up again, and asked me if I still loved AND if I was still in love with her. She knows I'll always love her, and that she'll always love me, but I CHECKED those emotions, and told her she needs a DAMN better reason other then "I just need to know", before I give her an answer on whether or not I'm IN love with her (frankly, I'm not sure anymore). She kept asking, but I remained steadfast and didn't act like a fool. She was persistent, but I refused to give her an answer unless she gave me a good reason, which she didn't. She was probably looking for a nice ego boost at this point (I know someone is gonna quote that in a response to me, hehe). Anyhow, we continued to talk, and she misunderstood something I said to mean that I wasn't in love with her anymore, and said "well, I guess I got my answer", and got very annoyed with me (but, we cleared that up right away without me giving any info away).

 

All in all, we were able to end the convo on a good note, but I'm totally weirded out by her behavior and reactions... women...

 

What do you guys have to say about that...

[enolaton]

No one's got any words for me today???

 

Why would any ex ask if you were still in love with them... and there's gotta be a better reason then just an ego boost... other comments?

[enolaton]

You guys think I should tell her I still have feelings for her?

 

Lately, within the past few weeks, we have spoken on average every other day (with her doing MOST of the contacting). On top of that, she broke up with her rebound, found out he was cheating on her, and now is asking me if I'm still in love with her. Granted, it may be because she is lonely, BUT, it also could be that she has realized that breaking-up with me may have been a mistake. Not sure what my next move should be...

[markm]

You guys think I should tell her I still have feelings for her?

 

Lately, within the past few weeks, we have spoken on average every other day (with her doing MOST of the contacting). On top of that, she broke up with her rebound, found out he was cheating on her, and now is asking me if I'm still in love with her. Granted, it may be because she is lonely, BUT, it also could be that she has realized that breaking-up with me may have been a mistake. Not sure what my next move should be...

 

No, don't tell her. If she keeps asking, just say you're not sure how you feel. She's probably feeling insecure becuase of the new guy rejecting her. So, she is looking for a "pick me up" from you. You know the drill, let her chase you some more. Don't make it to easy.

 

Sure wish I was in your position.

[enolaton]

Thanks for the advice Mark.

 

I've followed your story and have been where you are, and I can honestly say, I wouldn't be so sure that you'd want to be in my position. When I broke NC, I didn't think all this would happen.

 

I also could NOT get over her for a while, and now... well, had I remained NC, all this might not have happened - all this communication and questions from the ex is probably leading to a BIG nothing. I am already mentally prepared so that I don't get hurt. Either way, neither you, nor I have our ex's back, and though it hurts now, as time goes on, you'll get stronger... I know what it's like to just not be able to get her out of your mind while NC. But, that's just the initial bump. You don't need anyone else to tell you things will get better... you know it already. You just have to aim for that goal.

[majord23]

You guys think I should tell her I still have feelings for her?

 

Too much to drink to give you a proper reply enol....but I will say this: look at the title of this thread (YOUR thread)...and ask yourself the question: "should I tell her I still have feelings for her?".

 

 

If you can't answer that question yourself, I'll do it for you in about 12 hours

[majord23]

As promised....almost 12 hours later

 

Enol. Don't tell her you have feelings for her - I know you have a history with her and shared a very close bond in the past....but the familiarity that existed within your relationship is gone (bear with me here mate).

 

The days when you could just say how you felt about her are gone, the times when you could show her you were vulnerable are gone and the privelage that she had of knowing that you are there for her are gone.

 

You may still feel that closeness, but that is what *you* feel, not what *she* feels.

 

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't let her know that you're interested in her...I'm not saying that at all...I'm just saying that you shouldn't tell her directly.

 

So what do you do? Easy.

 

Make your interactions more flirtatious; tease her; make her laugh; tell her she's cute...do ALL the things you would do with a girl that you are interested in *without* telling her that you like her.

That is who your ex is at the moment enol - she is a girl that you are interested in - nothing more and nothing less. Treat her accordingly and conduct yourself accordingly.

 

If you up the flirting etc. and your ex is interested....she'll let you know.

[enolaton]

Great advice as usual Major. Thanks for looking out (whether it be drunk or sober ).

 

It sucks, because I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since she asked me if I was still in love with her. That triggered something in me, and as I look back, I was proud of myself for not just spilling my guts to her about how I felt.

 

Let's just eliminate "ego boost" for a moment. Any other ideas as to why she would ask me whether or not I was still in love with her? Testing the waters perhaps? She just kept sayign "I just have to know". Could it be just that?

[majord23]

Possibly testing the waters mate - but we may never know.

 

Exes say the darndest things: "Do you miss me?", "Do you love me?" etc etc. and all it does is has us trying to get inside their heads to figure out *why* they are asking such questions.

 

Obviously it's not a normal question to ask - I can't think of anyone else who would ask such a question....so there is something going on in her head.

 

What I do know is that no good could come from giving her a direct answer....you did very well to avoid doing that mate, just be satisfied with that and try (as hard as it is) not to attempt to work out her motivation.

[majord23]

Great advice as usual Major. Thanks for looking out (whether it be drunk or sober ).

 

 

ps You're now getting 'hungover advice'

[enolaton]

HAHA... your advice is great with, or without alcohol involved. Thanks again!

 

It has been on my mind ever since she asked. I broke NC to keep in touch with her, and I didn't expect this constant communication. I'm not necessarily complaining, but I just don't want to become her shoulder to cry on all the time when things go bad, and then use me as a rebound because she is now lonely. I don't think she would do that to me, but the pessisism in me (to prevent further heartache - thinking the worst), thinks she was just curious. Almost as if she knew I still had feelings for her, and needed a boost to know that she is loved by at least one person when things go bad.

 

I certainly didn't anticipate this - she acts jealous, asks me if I'm still in love with her, and calls me frequently. It kinda seems on one hand, she wants to know I still love her so that maybe she won't feel alone if she makes a move, on the other hand, as I've said, it could be an ego boost. This position isn't as great as some may think. Gotta keep moving on... I'm doing well... trying not to lose steam!

 

I guess I should just continue to play it cool, and let her continue to contact me???

[Rob1000]

I reckon you should let her do all the chasing from here enol. And by the sounds of it, she would come a running.

[majord23]

Well, I got a reply....neither here nor there really.

 

Just telling me what she's up to - that nothing much has changed in her life and she ended it implying that we'd be in touch again.

 

So my response, which I will send in a few minutes:

 

"Hey, Oh my God, it's so great to hear from you!

I've missed you so much and my life has been hell for as long as I can remember. I haven't been sleeping much since we broke up and I can't even bring myself to look at another girl. I miss you, I love you, I want you to marry me, bear my children and let me die in your arms.

 

Please come back or I'll kill myself

 

Majord"

 

 

Keeping my emotions in check....and keepin it real

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BONO]

Majord - is clearly having a breakdown !! Take no notice guys it will pass !

 

 

Scruff

[majord23]

Majord - is clearly having a breakdown !! Take no notice guys it will pass !

 

 

Scruff

 

 

Phew, it did.

 

Once again, moth-boy saves the day....to the mothmobile!!

 

Seriously, I'll send a brief reply over the weekend and emotions will definitely be in check.

 

I think she knew that she pushed my boudaries when she mentioned another guy when we last met up...so any potentially painful information that I thought could *possibly* be included in her response, was not.

 

A good start I guess, and not a bad feeling (from me) in sight

[Rob1000]

Guys help!!! I'm having a really bad day. I have to talk to her. It's killing me!! Over the weekend I checked her emails (sneaky of me, I know!!) and she's cleared out her inbox except emails from me, which has now given me hope!

 

I so want to talk to her.

[BONO]

Not yet, not yet, not yet.

 

Information is power right ? So you know that she has not deleted your mail. ( Although you know you really should not be looking there if you are trying to keep your emotions in check) Any how what's done is done.

 

So you know that she is thinking about ya. So let those thoughts become emotions and those emotions become actions. LET HER CALL YOU.

 

Anything else is submissive and unattractive. Give her the gift of missing you. From what you have said she might be just doing that.

 

SO WAIT, PLEASE ???

Scruff

[enolaton]

ROB! Yes, call the ex. I'm gonna go against everyone's advice, and declare my undying love for my ex!!! Major is gonna send that begging/pleading e-mail to HIS ex. We'll have an all-out ex-girlfriend pleading blitz.

 

J/K....

 

Chill dude. Keep those emotions in check! I hear ya! Believe me, I do. I really want to tell my ex I'm still in love with her. Let's be honest... it's not gonna get us anywhere... yet. If you're gonna contact her, at least do it when you're not so jumpy and excited to call her. Let it be cool and non-chalant. Patience, my friend, patience...

[Rob1000]

You guys are the greatest. I wish we could all go for a pint somewhere and burn eachothers ears. Everyone else is fed up listening.

 

Thanks again guys.

[GeeCee]

Oh &*^& Majord ... I laughed so hard I cried.

 

Personally, if her email were non-committal, I would not reply.

 

Yes yes yes Majord I know what you are thinking - I am not an advocate of no-contact. It is a strategy. It works for some and not for others. Just as having contact does. I am all in favour of contact.

 

However, I know that I am actually better off personally (although I do not believe that the relationship is) if there is no contact. If I make contact, I am WAITING for a reply. EXPECTING a reply. WISHING for a reply. LONGING for a reply. If I do not make contact, after a while, that waiting, expecting, wishing, longing fades.

 

I would think that she will EXPECT you to reply. Don't give her what she expects.

 

Chin up guys!

 

G xx

[majord23]

I would think that she will EXPECT you to reply. Don't give her what she expects.

 

Hey Gee

 

Hmmmm....you have *definitely* given me something to think about there....definitely...

[enolaton]

HAHA... our pleasure Rob. I honestly don't know how I've been able to stop myself from declaring that undying love for my ex. I really am stronger. You're stronger too. On the brightside, you, Scruff, Major and myself all have something going with the ex, whether it turns out for the better or worse.

 

PATIENCE!!!