Drained tonight.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

Its been about a week since I last posted on my situation. There is not much of any 'action' to report on between me and the former girlfriend. Its been nearly two and a half months since it ended. 4 weeks since we last saw eachother. We do still talk on what I guess you could say is a semi regular basis.... every couple days or so. Last we talked was Friday. She called to see how I was doing. It seems that she doesn't call to merely 'chat'. The conversation always begins with her concern for how things are going for me... emotionally.

 

I suppose it isn't without warrant. Since we've broken up, I haven't been back to work. Yup. 2 and a half months of trying to figure out a direction. I mean, financially I am okay. (Although I dont think I can continue this way for much longer.) And its not as though I have locked myself here in my sorrow. I have been getting out. Trying to make an effort.. little by little to start moving again. Last Saturday, I went out with a couple of close friends to a pub, had a few drinks and REALLY enjoyed myself. I will admit, refreshing at the very least.

 

But I still do, have moments, where I just break down. Without warning. And its beginning to frustrate me. It can happen at any time, and when it does, I end up feeling so drained.

 

Will I ever become so emotionally drained, that I will lose my will to care for her? The way its going, is slow and agonizing. I have been in love before, but when that ended, it didn't feel anything like this. Even though I knew I loved her, I also knew that there was no other way.. But for some reason, now I feel as though I KNOW something else. I know that there is something between us that is more than a learning experience... a failed relationship. I feel it when I think of her, I see it in my dreams, I hear it when we talk.

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. I am trying to remain strong, but slowely, I can feel it draining away. Even our dog seems to have a look of submission in his eyes.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

JP

[friscodj]

Jason-

 

Good to hear from you again. I have some thoughts on your post above:

 

1) The conversations with your ex beginning with her concern for you are not helping you in my opinion. The last thing I would want is to have my ex "concerned" about my feelings...that tells me she feels sorry for you in some capacity...is that what you want to be? Someone she feels sorry for? And it's in your control to change that situation and perception...

 

2) My friend, I realize you know this situation is different and that she is not just another ex, but Jason, you have to take care of yourself. It doesn't sound like you are doing that. You haven't been working and have been expressing pleasure in going out with your buds and having some drinks. You are not on a good track here. PLEASE try going NC with your ex and taking care of yourself. Please try...you're not "being there for her" if you can't first "be there for yourself"...

 

3) You are facing the hardest challenge of your life right now. And you know what? This is not the time to lay down and wallow in hopes and dreams of lost love and what could and should be. You need to take action and pull it together Jason. Forget about things with her for a while and get yourself on track...love yourself too bro...

 

4) Will you ever become so emotionally drained that you stop feeling? Yes, it has happened to me before. But you've got to take care of yourself in the process. Look at it like this, you can muster what emotional energy you still have and walk away or emotionally drain yourself dry to the bone then walk away...which option would you choose?????

 

Time to pull it together Jason...be tough and get the job done...

[Pikey1972]

I fully agree with friscodj here. Jason, you really must start looking after yourself before you become entirely drained. It may also be best if you start No Contact, if possible.

 

Have you any friends / family around you, or are there any hobbies / activities you've always wanted to pursue?

 

I know it's hard, but it really is time to start looking after No. 1 and stop worrying about / talking to the ex.

 

Take care, and keep us posted...

[Nathalie1970]

Jason,

 

You need to start focusing on you. Pick yourself up and start actively doing stuff for yourself. Find a hobby, start looking for work, go to the movies with friends etc...Keep yourself busy and you will find that you will start to think less and less about the failed relationship. I'm not saying that you will forget about it completley but it will not dominate your life.

 

NC is definitely the way to go, but if you do need to talk to the ex gf, maybe start off by only talking once a week and not about the relationship, then taper it off. You need to get back control of yourself and your life.

 

Stay strong and know we are here for you

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

 

To me, it sounds as if your ex contacts you partly out of guilt..and

partly to alleviate that guilt.I am sure she does care about you, but

this is not allowing you to heal properly.

 

I do agree going NC is the best option at this point.

 

Best of luck to you

[jman311]

Jason ... I think as long as you continue to really care for her on the level you do you will still encounter these draining moments. I am going through this myself now and I can totally relate. I'll be doing fine and out of nowhere I am hit with this horrible weight of emotion that just drains everything out of me to the point I wish I could just cease to exist. I still care a great deal for my ex and I'm struggling with NC, but as long as I continue to do it I realize I will care for her a lot meaning I will probably still have these moments.

 

Similar to what you said, I have a feeling that the relationship is "failed" and even though part of me wants it back for than anything, it can't (and shouldn't) happen. You said yourself this is the hardest thing you've ever had to face in your life! Remember to realize that, and be easy on yourself and allow yourself to hurt in light of that fact. I know it's SOOO frustrating, but I promise there will be a day when it stops.

 

You asked if you might ever lose your will to care for her? Have you considered if that might be what you need in order to move on?

 

Hang in there buddy!

[RayKay]

Oh my Jason,

 

As others have said, this is terribly unhealthy for you right now. Sure you may be alright financially to not be working right now, but it does not help you emotionally since it just gives you more time to focus on her and on the pain, and more so to be taking care of YOU.

 

Her concern is more out of worry and pity and is that what you really want from her? Probably not, right?

 

Yes, I definitely can empathize this is tremendously difficult. I have been where you are, I have also had a long term boyfriend die and I was in the depths of despair, but you absolutely MUST make a choice to move on and start living...it does not just "happen" to you, you must make a choice to make it happen. All your current situation and way of thinking is doing is perpetuating the grief.

 

Will there be a point you are emotionally exhausted and can't do this anymore? Possibly, but I can also say the recovery from that will be far tougher and longer as well as not only will you be grieving the end of the relationship, but also rediscovering the you that you lost.

 

Only YOU are in control here Jason, ans it may mean making some tough choices...like limiting contact much more then you are, and forcing yourself to get back to work, but you absolutely must work with what you HAVE and the facts as they ARE. That is she is not here, so you are going to have to make the best of it without her. You are responsible for your life, and it's a big responsibility...so make the best of it.

[friscodj]

Hey Jason-

 

Keeping yourself busy and your mind occupied is a great idea. Has your leg healed enough to where you can play hockey again? How is your job search going for you? Is there anything you have always wanted to do? Get yourself a job and then start doing it...

 

I also like the idea of tapering off the contact. Little by little, build yourself back up and in the process, put a little distance between you two. Baby steps, take it day-by-day. Set a small and attainable goal in this regard to accomplish everyday and do it...it will do wonders for you...

 

Jason, look at yourself in the mirror bro, that guy needs your help more than anyone right now...

[Jjasonn28]

Wow.

 

Thank you all so very much for your replies. Its funny how things work. I was having a pretty good day, until I re-read my post from last night. Strange how 24 hours can make one feel like two different people.

 

You are all correct. In no way do I want her pitty. She knows that. Nor do I want to have her concerned about me out of habit or guilt. I do believe she does genuinely care about me. Which makes it even harder. She does cry too.

 

Yes, I do need to get back to work, if only for the fact that it will, in some capacity take my mind off of the situation. I know it wont magically make my hurt go away, but a crutch that maybe I need to lean on. That being said, I am going to look at a contract tomorrow afternoon. Something small, but a start.

 

As for hobbies/interests. I have hockey. (Friscodj, my leg injury has healed!! Yay.) So Ive been doing my best to become more involved in that. In fact, i've joined two leagues, and have interest expressed from other teams needing a goaltender. A boost to my broken confidence albeit a small one..

 

So I leave you guys tonight, with I suppose a glimmer of hope. Pricing some work out, spending a little more time with friends, and absolutely enjoying my involvment in hockey...

 

But still very much in love.

 

JP