3 weeks of NC and it still hurts.

[byates5637]

My full story is elsewhere on enotalone.

 

My girlfriend of 3 years dumped me 3 weeks ago. Basically she became somewhat distant from me for about a month, i tried to talk to her about it and tell her we should try to get a closer bond like we used to have. The next day she dumped me citing reasons such as "it's just not working", "I lost my sex drive and i dont want to put you through that", "we just dont click anymore". There were other things she said too.

 

Anyway, i told her that we would not maintain a friendship, which made her cry. I told her i could not be friends because it would hurt me to much to still see her. So the night she dumped me, she walked out of my house, us both crying, i turned down a farewell hug, and i have not heard from her since.

 

I have been going through cycles of recovery. Some times i have alot of hope for my future, sometimes i feel lost and lonely without her. Sometimes i think about all the things that i didn't like about her and feel relief. Sometimes i think about all the wonderful things i miss about her and feel terrible. Sometimes i just don't think about her at all.

 

Tonight i was at a friends house. This friend happens to be friends with my ex, and he is dating my ex's best friend. So this whole week my ex and her best friend are on a trip about 800 miles away to visit with some friends. And just my luck, while i'm there my ex and her friend call my friend and talk to him. It made me feel so low. I just wanted her to call me soooo bad. I was supposed to be going with her on the trip this week, but now i feel like she barely even remembers me. And now i'm sitting home alone at my house feeling miserable.

 

When i began NC i was doing it for myself. I was doing it so i could get over her and move on. I wasn't doing it as a way to make her miss me, but i was hoping that would be a side affect of it. But now it's been 3 weeks and i just want to talk to her so bad. I'm am not going to call her tonight because i know she is out partying with friends and the last thing she wants to do is get reminded of her ex-boyfriend back home. But i fear that towards the end of this week, when i know she is on her way back, i may lose my strength and call her.

 

She dumped me once before and i did NC for a month of two. She would call me or text me once every couple of weeks, but i ignored it. Eventually i gave in and called her. It took alot of work on my part, but i got her back and everything was good between us until recently. So i can't help but wonder if i could get her back again, if i showed her what she is missing. So that is why i really want to call her. I just want to talk to her and see if there is still hope.

 

I know most people on this site are strict NC advocates, and you all are probly right. But what about if i just feel like i can't take it anymore and i have to call her? Do you think i could gain anything by calling her? I would love to wait for her to call me, but after 3 weeks of no calls i am getting pessimistic. I think she is just not calling because i told her not to, but i have no way of knowing. The more i write the more i want to call her. Not tonight, but maybe in a couple days. Ahh sorry this is so long and if anyone took the time to read through this...thank you

 

-brandon

[NR498E]

Hey buddy,

I would say don't call her.If you still want her back anything less of her saying "I want you back"is just going to be a big let down.

I don't know how long ago she dumped you for the first time but in my experiance there is usually one or two break up's before one sticks.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.Three years is a long time.My advice to you is to not call her.Be strong and hold up.If she wants you she will call you.until then try and move on.

By the way 3 weeks is not long at all.

[byates5637]

I know i shouldn't call her and i know she won't say "I want you back". But she may say something like "i miss you." It is doubtful, but there is always a chance. I don't want to miss my chance.

 

The trip she is on this week is with 5 single girls. I can't get the image out of my head of her sleeping with some random guy she meets down there. It tortures me to think about her doing something like that. She is not easy, she has only slept with 1 guy besides me in her life. But i think she is ready to 'expand her horizons'. I wish i could get these thoughts out of my head.

 

-brandon

[GottaLetItBurn]

Just give it time. You'll get over it. If you stay strong like you have been I'm a 100 percent sure she'll brake contact. No girl that's been in a relationship that long won't call. She atleast has to get a few more goodbye calls in which may or may not give you some false hope.

 

Don't worry about the fact that you still feel bad. It take months and months of NC before you start feeling numb. Then you will stop giving a * * * * about a lot of things. Give yourself atleast six months to heal or before you really start to move on.

 

Good luck.

 

EDIT...

 

Also, don't trip about a girl being with someone else. It's took me months to truly not care about what the hell a girl does with someone else. I think that idea of hating the thought of her being with someone else is just because we get possesive, idolize them.

 

She just one person, one girl out of billions of other girls in this world having sex. I know it's like torture but you just got to look at it like it's not a big deal. Sex really isn't a big deal, just got to mess around as much as you can when your young.

[NR498E]

GottaLetItBurn vbmenu_register("postmenu_976221", true); That was very well said.But why are you so sure she will brake contact?I dont think she will..not for a long time anyway.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Andy, I just think she will because I was basically betrayed by a girl. Like she went back to her ex and really tried to play it off like we could still be friends.

 

I didn't call her on her birthday. I had ignored her emails. Then a month later she called me about some problem she was having as if I cared. After that she guessed it I was cool with her and then she IMed me but I starting ignoring them because I had an away message up.

 

It was then that I realized, that most girls only think they are going to be happy if they move on or go for someone else. I mean if any girl is truly happy then why not just forget about a guy they use to talk to or be with.

 

I think she may not come back to him, but she will definatly want to know what's going on with him. Girls get more attatched and I think are more predictable when it comes to calling.

[byates5637]

The last time we broke up was back in may. I dumped her, and then 2 weeks later i realized how much i missed her and i tried to get her back. I did get her back for about 3 days, and then she left for a trip. When she came back she was a changed girl and wanted nothing to do with me as a boyfriend anymore. After like 2 months of me trying everything to get her back i finnaly did. Thing were good for a while, but i guess ever since the first break up she kind of refused to give me all of herself.

 

I wish this breakup would end. I think I am going to wait a week or two, and call her and make plans for lunch or something. I hope that either i will get another chance with her, or see that she still doesn't want me in which case i go right back to NC.

 

I was also thinking about sending her a text message today or some day soon just simply saying "Hey! How have you been lately?" Then not making any contact and just wait to here from her. I just want someway to open up communication again because she is not calling me at all because i told her not too I just want to get her thinking about me again and her to know she can call me if she wants.

[byates5637]

unfortunately, this morning is one of those obssesive mornings where i can't stop analyzing the past, figuring out what went wrong, and sadly, trying to think about how we could make it work again .

 

When she dumped me she was pretty clear in that she did not want to be with me anymore. But the things she was telling me even a week before the breakup make me think that she has to still have feelings for me, but she just got fed up with the relationship. I am this girls first true love...she is my second. I know how hard it is to get over a first love, and that makes me think that maybe i still have a chance to fix things and work them out with her.

 

Just 1 month ago we were making vacation plans for the summer. She was the one that initiated it too, not me. I just can't believe someones feelings could change so quickly. But if they can, then that makes me think maybe her feelings could change back quickly too.

 

We have been through alot of fighting and emotions in since around christmas, and i think she just got fed up with it, even though i told her i wanted to compromise and work past it. But i know underneath the fighting, this girl still has to care about me...and maybe i could just show her that the relationship deserves a....3rd chance (I know it sounds pathetic)

 

I just need to vent alot today. Feel free to give me your advice on the situation because im lost. Today is the first day my attitude has really started to switch from "Getting over and moving on" to "How can i get this girl back" I think this is unhealthy...but i can't control my thoughts.

[byates5637]

Last night i was starting to feel a little better about things. I was ready to just let it go and try to move on. Then during the night the dreams started coming of me and her getting back together. How can i stop these dreams? They torture me. I wish my ex was in town so i could see her. I need to talk to her one more time just to make sure this is a "break up" and not just a "break"

[sukerbut]

dude sorry to tel you this but its over...

[metal999]

I feel for ya man, I'm going throught what appears to be the exact same thing. I am also having trouble fighting the urge to call her. But it's prolly for the best. If you call her it won't make your situation any better and as much as I know that I find myself still wanting to call my ex(broke up a week ago)it hurts man I know but like someone in a previous post said if she misses you and wants you back she will call you. Nothing you do or say will change that. Which sucks big time but it's something that needs to run it's course. Keep strong man.

[deejay74]

all i have to say is read what i did. do you really want to feel and go through what i have? i am sure you don't.

 

PLEASE USE ME AS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT NOT TO DO!

 

seriously.

 

my post is in the "Healing" section, titled "i never learn and i ruined everything"

 

i know EXACTLY how you feel. i acted on my emotions and it got me no where but further into the hole that i started to dig for myself starting at the end of january. look up my old posts if you have to.

[byates5637]

well i gave in today. I sent a text that said "Hey! What have you been up to lately?" Within 20 seconds i got 2 text's back and she called before i could even reply.

 

We talked for 15 minutes. Basically it was everything i hoped for short of her saying "I want you back." She sounded like the last three weeks have been almost as hard on her as on me. She said that she thought i hated her, which is why she hasnt called. She said she had to fight the urge to call many times.

 

She asked me if we could start "Hanging out again" when she gets back from her trip next weekend. I said "remember what happened last time we tried to hang out as friends?" Last time we tried to hang out as friends it escalated right back to a romantic relationship in about 2 weeks. She just simply said "yea"

 

I made sure not to give up too much of myself on the phone. I didnt tell her that i have been sad, i told her about all the new things ive done in the last 3 weeks. I told her that "Maybe we could try hanging out once and see how it goes" I also made sure i was the one to end the conversation before she did. When gettting off the phone she stressed that i could call her whenever i wanted too. I told her the same.

 

So I still don't want to be friends with my ex...but i think i will give it a try in the hopes that the friendship is just a cover up for the beginnings of a new relationship between us. Of course i will let her make all the moves. I will let her persue me. And if she doesn't, she will find our friendship coming to an abrupt halt in a few weeks.

 

This is like gambling, either we get back together...or my healing process is set back a few weeks. Since it is only a few weeks, i feel i can risk too gamble it this time. I will let you all know what happens. Wish me luck

 

looks like i may have to go to the "getting back together" forum

 

-brandon

[GottaLetItBurn]

I think I should point out that the more you try to get her to want you the further you will push her away. Luckily I realized this very fast, and I have NEVER chased a girl. I have a solid mentality that if she wants to play games then forget her. Kick her to the curb if she comes back.

 

You need to know that this is all a game, that is all relationships are to a woman. Doing everything she wants is NOT what she wants. You also have to play games and not give in, because if you don't give her any drama she will get bored and leave you.

 

The ONLY time no drama works is when a girl has gone through many relationships, or the girl is REALLY very smart with a lot of wisdom and she wants to get married. I would say I don't think most girls are truly ready to settle down before the age of about 24 or 25. Predicatbility is only valued by woman in men they want to be with for the rest of their life.

 

The key things you have made mistakes in is you take away all her drama by doing little things to show you NEED her back. Whether you think she thinkgs it's pathetic or not, she is thinking that. Play the game next time, dust this off and move on.

 

Make the next one 100 percent better.

[byates5637]

Gottaletitburn- did you read my post above? I am not chasing my ex at all. I have not made one attempt to get her back. I have not told her i miss her. I have not told her i am sad without her. Nothing. She dumped me. Immediate NC on my part. I send her 1 completely platonic text 3 weeks later and she calls sounding like she has been thinking about me everyday. I tell her nothing about the way i really feel. I only told her we could try hanging out once, because she kept saying she really wanted to and she missed me. Other then that, i gave her no reason to think that i want her back.

 

And by the way--our relationship had TOO MUCH drama and stuberness on both our sides which i think ultimatly led to its demise.

[Torchbearer]

When things got rocky, I pressed her to tell me what was wrong which she denied THREE times that anything was wrong. Finally I told her that she needed to be happy with or without me and I was giving her her space. Now she initiated the breakup by acting cold and indifferent, cutting off the physical etc but it was like she wanted me to pull the trigger. She then asked if we could be friends.

 

Like you I did the strict NC for about 3 weeks before an impersonal text to which she replied quickly and initiated a few of her own. I haven't posted my full story yet but it seems like we are going through similar situations. I've tried moving on but it sucks that I'm still thinking about her all the time.

 

The bottom line is your ex still cares about you but is unsure how strongly. She probably has been an emotional roller coaster; one minute thinking about you and wanting you back but the next being unsure. Right now she's an energy vampire, sucking all the good energy from you.

 

Hang in there man because I know what you're going through and it hurts like mad.