Why can't I be enough? He needs more...

[Hernj62]

I can't bear to accept the fact that my boyfriend has a whole other life besides me. He made me so comfortable in the first 4 months of our relationship. All we did was be with eachother and if he decided to see friends, he would bring me with him and show me off. He moved in with me in the matter of 1 month knowing eachother, and when its just us, the whole world stops. But now he's been needing this seperation from me. He now wants to get back out there and be with his friends and do the things he loves to do but he won't include me. He says he's included me in the past and now he wants to hang out with his friends alone. I don't trust his friends. He feels that it is normal, I, however, love and am completely content with being with Just Him. I don't need any one else. I would take it as a compliment, but he just gets annoyed. Why can't I be enough? He's enough for me! I don't have a desire to go out and meet people, and hang out at a bar or a friends house til 6 am. I don't do those things... so why does he? He loves baseball...I play it with him... He loves sex... Well HEY HELLO! He loves drinking... and music... And I do to.. Everything about him, we're compatible. But it really makes me feel like * * * * when he wants more. Am I being to unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I mean I'm supposed to apply to a shcool thats about 5 hrs away but I've held it off bc I'm more concerned with my relationship with him. He won't come with me so I'm thinking about staying in NY. I feel like I'm more concerned about this relationship.. if he had the same opportunity, he wouldn't think twice about it. It hurts and its really sad. I would do anything to not feel this way. Me reacting crazy and jealous towards him when the thought of him being with other people is just pushing him farther away from me. I need to stop but I don't know how! Any suggestions?

[Relationship Coach]

Hernj62,

 

The hunt and chase has ended and he feels like he can revert to whom he was before. Although I do believe that it is healthy for both parties to spend time away from each other either with friends or family, I don't think his "me time" is healthy for your relationship. It seems you are too willing to give up things in your life for him and he is set in his ways. I think what could be part of the problem here is a difference of maturity levels. Don't get me wrong, spending every waking moment with your partner is not the right thing either, a healthy balance is better for all.

 

How much more of his selfishness are you going to tolerate? Do you see yourself with this guy forever? If not, why are you willing to give up on what you want as far as education goes and securing your future. Sorry, I would dump him and find someone who shared my interests and was more grown up.

 

RC

[DN]

i think it is very important to have friends outside a relationship. Be very careful here - it seems like your whole life is centered on this guy and he is feeling smothered. If you are not very careful you will lose him.

 

It is also important that you have interests and friends other than him - should anything ever happen to end the relationship you will be totally lost without him.

[Mavh25]

reading this reminded me of myself alot. I too get really angry and upset at the thoughtthat my boyfriend would like to spend time with his friends more than me. Dont get me wrong that isnt true i just exagreated, i'd see him in the same day, he'd just go see his friends at some point too.

Let me tell you this though, i told him about it, and he said ok then i wont do it, stopped, and now hes miserable and always pissy, just watch what your doing cos in the end youll hate it

[RandomAdvisor]

Don't put this guy (or any other guy for that matter) ahead of your education.

 

Are you being unreasonable? I'm not sure. The fact that it seems like your entire life seems to center around him makes me think you might be somewhat clingy and insecure. However, the whole partying and staying out until 6AM...how often does he do this? If it's not that frequent then I think you should just give him his space.

 

And as others have already said, it's a good general rule of thumb for you to both have your own hobbies/friends outside of your relationship. A relationship where you are both totally engrossed in each other and only each other is a relationship that is not going to last.

[Alabama]

As much as I am sure he cares about, he just needs to be himself. He needs to have his own life, while also sharing his life with you. If you're too clingy and want to hang out with him 24/7, then he will be annoyed and might break up. Develop some hobbies, hang out with people that interest you. It doesn't always have to be about him.

[Hernj62]

I understand what everyone is saying. I just have a hard time reacting to it. I know that this can work. No he doesn't stay out til 6 am often. But every time he goes out which is once a week or more, he'll stay out that late. And he wants me to stay home and wait for him. He won't compromise with me. Last night I had plans and I invited him. But then he told me that he had plans Sat, so since my plans was a scheduled event, I suggested moving his plans to Fri night so we can have a night together with just us. Mind you once a month is the only time I mingle and its with people that I barely know. I wish I had time to build my life back. I've had friendship troubles so I steer away from new relationships w/ girls and guys and I took a chance with him. I just don't have the time and the lack of effort I have to build and maintain a friendship, is just not there. As for losing him and feeling lost w/out him, well...I don't know how I'd get back on my feet. He does feel miserable, and I hate to see him that way. But I'm in the position, to either make him happy so I feel miserable, or make me happy and give him hell all the time. It seems like I can't win and he probably feels the same way. Is there any thoughts I can say to myself or anyting I can do to make me think before I feel negative and hurt?

[annie24]

Well.... two things going on. I do think it's extremely important for people to have a life outside of their relationship. You have to have things balanced - family, job, friends, hobbies, etc....if you just have the relationship, what happens if he leaves or gets killed? Your entire life and support system is gone.

 

How does he make you feel? Does he make you feel loved and part of his life, or do you feel like he's keeping you separated from things? If you feel like he's keeping you at arm's length, except when he's in the mood, I would ditch him.

 

good luck

[Hernj62]

Annie 24.. you have a good point. I don't think about things like that. I know its important to him. No he makes me feel very loved. He never gives me a reason to believe he is doing me wrong when he is out with his friends either. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I too had more hobbies and friends to share my life with. I am a soicable person but I don't get to close. Plus I left all my friends in the past behind. There's just some things you can't forgive. And by doing that, I realized how important friendship is and how it should be treated. And I wasn't treated fairly. I found myself w/o them. Now, I'm in a different atmosphere, different county different school. Accept my school is a Community college.. 98% of the class stayed in their own home to be with thier own friends. Most people I am sociable with have their life already and don't want to make any changes to that. So I kinda feel like the only person in the world that wants to show me any type of love is my BF. AND when that love is geared to someone else, I panic!

[PrincessLinzay]

Hernj62~

 

I can understand where you're coming from, however, I don't think that it's healthy to center your universe around your boyfriend/relationship.

 

Everyone needs time to pursue their own interests and spend time with friends. If this is ALL he wants to do, then it might be cause for concern, but it sounds like you two are still spending time together as well.

 

I think it's pretty normal in the initial stages of a relationship to spend almost every waking moment together, but this does dwindle a bit as the relationship progresses. You each have other things that need to get done, and also spend time with friends, at work, school, et cetera. Too much of a good thing can be bad.

 

As for your school..... Don't pass up an opportunity to get an education at a school that you would in all liklihood have a great time at! You admittedly said that he would never pass up the opportunity, so you shouldn't either. If the relationship is meant to last, it will make it through your move as well.

[Mavh25]

I can see everyone saying dont gear your life round your boyfriend, and it is true. Its like your saying to your boyfriend, i dont have any friends so i dont want you to either.

Think about it?

[annie24]

I'm a member of a bellydance club, so 3 nights a week, I dance with some of the coolest, nicest girls ever. I don't schedule dates on those nights because those nights are taken. So, it's friendship and a hobby rolled into one.

 

Is there some kind of organization you may be interested in joining? Something that would give you and your bf something to talk about when you do see each other?

[ElektraHere]

Sweetie, I can totally understand where you are at. I have been there and you know what??? If things were to end with you and your boyfriend get ready for the floor to drop out.

 

I centered my life and being around a boyfriend once. I lost myself, my friends, and even stopped talking to my family for 6 months. It wasn't healthy to set my whole life around this one person.

 

It took me about 3-4 years after him to recapture MY life back. I had to makeup with my friends and family that I had pushed away. I had to find the girl I was before him. Don't sell yourself short you are loved you just are looking through tunnel vision right now. It seems the sun rises and sets with this guy.

 

I have friends that are married and some even have children so it is hard doing things with them, but I know that with a little planning we will spend time together. At your school there has to be different types of clubs or even the student government. Get involved with YOUR life and quit living through his. It will save you in the end

[Hernj62]

Elektrahere...see I don't want to do that to him. And I don't want to be completely out of the loop either. I was the most sociable person 2 years back, but I've been broken and time has passed and all of a sudden its like I forgot how to be me and hang out with people. One night a month, people from my program at school meet with Deaf people to hang out. (I want to be a sign language interpreter.) So that is my hobby. But where I live, its not that involved.

Thats why Boston, would be great bc the shcool takes no excuses but to be involved in the community and in other programs. I want to start all over. I mean its a college city. Theres so many people from all over. So hopefully I can find myself. But I still can't help to think if the tables were turned, how quick I'd drop everything for him. And just like Relationship Coach said earlier, I am too willing to change for him and he shows no interest. A part of me knows and agrees what everyone is saying about spending time apart with other people. But since I dropped my guy friends for him bc he didn't like the fact that I had guy friends, I have no where to turn to. So i guess I screwed myself on this one.

[Relationship Coach]

So i guess I screwed myself on this one.

 

No you didn't, he did. You need to stop making excuses for him and get off of the fence. You are bothered by his recent change and by the fact that he goes out a couple of nights a week until 6:00 AM! How would he feel if you were out with your "friends" until 6:00 AM twice a week? He would dump you in a second or set you straight and you know it. We have a double standard here and you are allowing it. Yes you both need to have friends and the freedom to do things with them but I'm sorry his actions should not be tolerated. Rekindle your friendships and make some new friends because this relationship has an expiration date on it and it's already starting to curdle.

 

RC