rollerbaby Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 Hi everyone... Just wanted some thoughts on a bit of a dilemma I'm having. I've been seeing this guy for a little while, we've been out about four or five times and I really like him. Anyway the problem is usually in the past I meet someone, date them a bit and then become a couple after a while, whereas this guy is more about the "take it very slow" and not become bf/gf rightaway but to be friends first. Which I think is fine in theory. Things have been getting a bit hot under the collar lately and I think I said something last night about I'm not sure about going much further if this is just a casual thing for the meantime, and he agreed and from what he said it sounded a bit more promising long term. Then later on when we were speaking, we were speaking about going out another day and it just came accross as very "whatever-ish". The whole thing just seems a bit hot and cold... I'm just a bit confused. I asked him about it but he has told me he really likes me and wants to go out, I dont know if its a guy thing or what... Any insights? I am clueless with men. I think all girls wish they could understand them! Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 Well, from what you've written, it sounds like you guys are thinking about it too much and making things too complicated too early on. He's probably just as confused as you are. I say just let things roll and focus on keeping it light, getting to know each other, and having fun in the here-and-now rather than thinking about the future and long-term stuff at this point... Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 RB, I think until there is a commitment of some sort, you need to slow down and protect the treasure a bit more. I think your level of intimacy should match his level of commitment. The relationship is in the early stages and you need to keep that in mind, too much pressure will certainly drive him away so just take it slow. RC Link to comment
Lansing Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 I feel like the guy in your post... but, obviously each situation is different.. You might want to read this for a guy's perspective: I really did like her but I didn't want to force things along. Anyway, if you have any questions you can PM me. I think I screwed up because she was looking for "confirmation" of my feelings and instead I interpreted as she wanted to move on.... anyway Link to comment
rollerbaby Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 I think everyone's replies make a lot of sense so far... especially about matching the intimacy level to the amount of commitment. Hmm. Anyway here is an update. We saw eachother Friday night and he asked me to go to the beach on Sunday and said he would call to organise it. (That was the same night it started getting a bit hot and heavy etc etc and i said that thing about not being casual) Anyway no calls or messages all Saturday, eventually I messaged him at about 9pm saying "I thought you wanted to go to the beach tomorrow, or are you just not interested anymore?" I didnt get a reply until the next morning, he sent a message at 4am saying he left his phone at home by accident that night and had only just gotten home from a night out and simply signed off as "Beach tomorrow?" Maybe some would think I'm just being sentimental or typical girl behaviour, but I don't know... its not like I just go making out or whatever with people on a casual basis, and the fact that I specifically mentioned that, I think, would constitute a phone call where it was promised... Any thoughts? Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 Any thoughts? I still think you are overanalyzing this too much... What I would do is find something else in your life to keep busy and occupy your free time with. Keep your mind busy with that instead and get not-so-wrapped-up in him and the details of what he is doing... Link to comment
rollerbaby Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 I do plenty in my life, so as for me overanalysing it, probably yes, but me not having other things in my life to think about, a definitely not. Anyway a bit of an update which make make things clearer for an outside opinion but only confuses the hell out of me. We did end up going out today, and it was fine but very platonic. We ended up talking about the different dynamic and both said that we like both equally. Anyway so he kind of brought up the what now kind of talk, and basically what I got out of it is this: My position: We have fun together, have great conversation and great chemistry. So thereforeeee I think we should keep going the way it is now, with gradually increasing intensity until we are a couple type thing. His position: He wants to be friends and possibly more. Which makes sense in theory, but I dont want to spend time eventually falling for him and getting emotionally attached when he can just turn around and say he wants to be friends. I think its more like you should decide now whether you have a view to longevity or not. I mean if we were to be friends I dont think we would be close friends... I can't really explain that so much in detail but hopefully you'll get what I mean. Any opinions? I'm meant to be speaking to him later so some feedback would really help... thanks everyone. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Well, you want more than he does. What you might consider doing then is emotionally back away from him. Make some distance between you two. Less contact and showing less interest and generally emotionally "putting yourself out there" less... In doing this, he might see that he really does want more. If not, at least you've started the process of getting over him and because of this, eventually you two may be able to build a healthy friendship on equal emotional ground... Link to comment
rollerbaby Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 Yeah, I understand what you mean. I've been thinking about it all and my conclusion is that I don't want to play games, I've done it too many times. I'm just going to say what I want, lay my cards on the table and say love it or leave it. If he steps it up, then that's great, if not, well nice guys are a dime a dozen and I'll be out on Friday night then haha. There are guys out there who would gladly have me as a girlfriend (in time) so I don't see why I should have to talk someone into it. Anyway hopefully I'll say all this to him later tonight so I'll keep u posted... thanks for the advice! Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 There you go rollerbaby! That's the post of a woman who knows what's up... Let us know how things go... Link to comment
rollerbaby Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 Well... said what I had to say... He chose to leave it... some random excuse about being to busy to commit... said I was fantastic... I know I'm bloody fantastic so his loss.... I guess I must not realise how much I emotionally invest at such an early stage because I feel pretty bad right now... Like my heart isn't broken or anything.... possibly fractured though... Sigh. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 I guess I must not realise how much I emotionally invest at such an early stage because I feel pretty bad right now... Like my heart isn't broken or anything.... possibly fractured though... I've been in similar situations as this and the let-down stings at first, but you get over it real quick... You did good, I'm proud of you... Link to comment
rollerbaby Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 I just feel so redundant though, like as if I've been fired or something. If I'm so great then why, when i came to choose between me and nobody, did he go, nah, i think i'll pass. What am I doing wrong... I just hate doing this over and over again. I hate putting myself out there and getting hurt... I know I'm wallowing, but I just feel so damn miserable. Link to comment
monsieur Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I'm the same..... what really hurts me inside is the fact that the girl that rejects me finds a different guy that she doesn't reject, can't help but feel that I am lacking somehow and that the other guy is better, which drives me crazy because in every other part of my life other than dating and relationships I have great self esteem and feel that I'm great. It even seems like the guys that she would end up with are scum compared to me, but obviously they are light years ahead of me when it comes to relationship getting skills. Link to comment
chaos Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Same thing just happened to me. Went out with this girl, we had a great time, lots in common, good conversation. Afterwards she was talking about a second date and all kinds of different things we could do together. We talk a couple more times, make tentative plans to do something in a few days, then, things go totally cold. She says she'll call and never does. I call to confirm a date, she doesn't call back. Even took me off her top 8 myspace friends(?)... what the hell? Anyway, the point being, I think some people are just crazy. Maybe they aren't ready, maybe they think they can do better, maybe they're scared of just how good it could be... The point is, try not to take it personally (even though we all do anyways) until you find out the reasoning behind it, which will probably never happen anyways. Link to comment
rollerbaby Posted March 14, 2006 Author Share Posted March 14, 2006 Ugh! I just don't get why these people are so spazzy with us three! If you like someone, get on well etc, go out! date! become a couple! And if you dont plan on following that sequence then dont bloody act as if thats whats going on! I am so frustrated about people who do that kind of thing. Now I feel like whenever I meet new people I should give them a lecture on dating ethics before I agree to give them my number... ie. "Now, before I give you my number, keep in mind that I am not going to chase you if you dont chase me back. I am not giving you my number so we can be "friends" or be on a casual basis, I am interested in you thereforeeee if you aren't, go away. I do not tolerate bad behaviour, (cheating, emotional games, leeching money off me, etc etc)....." I think I could talk for an hour before I end up giving them the phone number... I mean if they are still a. standing there b. awake c.not run away screaming. Even typing this I know I sound cynical and jaded. But its not that easy to be easy and breezy when i keep having this happen! Link to comment
monsieur Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 whenever I see couples in public I always wonder how the heck they ever got together...... it seems so darn difficult for us that are single at the moment Link to comment
ves Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 Ugh! I just don't get why these people are so spazzy with us three! If you like someone, get on well etc, go out! date! become a couple! And if you dont plan on following that sequence then dont bloody act as if thats whats going on! ITA!!!! Why bother asking me when I'm free next weekend if you're not going to call me? Booo. Link to comment
chaos Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 Haha, I'm with you Rollerbaby. Maybe we should print out a list of ethics and hand that out to all potential partners. Then, if they actually want to talk to us again, we know we've got a winner. Link to comment
rollerbaby Posted March 15, 2006 Author Share Posted March 15, 2006 Hahahhaha.... Lol I would love to see some kind of mass produced dating ethics release form before a number was given out... I would so be up for that, I would pioneer it! Wish I could meet someone that is on the same page... though for u guys, unless u live in Sydney (Australia) I have a feeling it might not work though! Hehehe. Any ideas for this phone number contract? Link to comment
opusIII Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Frisco, man. You rock, really. I am amazed at your posts! They are so insightful and genuine. All posters are lucky to have you as a shoulder to cry on and as a voice of reason. Link to comment
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