He lied, cheated and then dumped me because he says wants to protect me from himself.

[Sad_now]

Hi. I have been in a destructive relationship for almost 2 years now. I was involved with a man who is married although his wife lives in some other country. He told me his marriage was just a practical arrangement and he was trying to get out of it. He is certainly not emotionally involved with his wife - he refers to her as a sister, has a separate room in their house and always in a bad mood when she is in town. That's why I agreed to see him in the first place. However, it turned out, I wasn't the only girl he was telling this story to. I know of at least one other girl (many of my friends say he sees other women too) he has been involved on-and-off with for EIGHT years (depspite a marriage of only 4 years). Anyhow, last year, I found out that he was lying to me and trying to see this other girl again behind my back. And he wasn't exactly doing anything to get out of his marriage either. I broke up with him although he accused this other girl of lying and manipulating me. He begged me to go back to him, promising I was the only one who ever meant anything to him. He became the sweetest, most considerate person to me. My wish was his command, until last month I found out he was trying to start something up with this other girl once again and had told HER that I was manipulating HER by admitting I was involved with him. When I confronted him, he avoided the issue for about a week. I called him incessantly saying I wanted the issue sorted NOW. Then yesterday he called me to tell me that he really respected and liked me, and so he wished to stop seeing me!!!!! Because he knows the way he is, is unwilling to change, and will always remain interested in pursuing relationships with certain women. He said he knows he will hurt me, so to protect me, he no longer wishes to remain involved with me and claims that we never had a proper relationship in the first place.

 

This hurts so much. It hurts because I gave him a second chance knowing fully well what he was like, just wanted to believe in the good in him. It hurts because I thought I was special to him, but obviously not as special as this other girl whom he claims he will see if given the opportunity (at the moment she is not speaking to him, though I'm sure that will change once he flatters her how he dumped me for her). Most of all, it hurts because despite his rotten behaviour HE is the one who (ostensibly) dumped ME and made me feel rejected. And didn't give me a chance to let my anger out by pretending he did it out of care for me. I just feel cheated in every sense - even out of a good cry and shout at him, since he was acting so saintly about the breakup. He offered to remain friends but I refused. Even then he took the moral high ground calling me a spoilt child. I just feel helpless because this player was so smooth, he allowed me no chance to express myself. I just feel weepy all the time - it still hasn't hit me what has happened. He was that slick about it. We are in a social situation where I will see him and that other girl at least once a week. No way out of it. What should I do. I feel upset even if he looks at her. What do I do? I feel like expressing the anger he never allowed me to express, but I realise that will be at the cost of my own dignity and self-respect. The best thing is to not react, but how do I do that when I am burning and hurting inside so badly?

[RayKay]

Take up kickboxing classes!

 

Pat answer, but I definitely recommend channelling that anger into a pursuit that can also benefit you ultimately.

 

Your ex is a lying, cheating, manipulative, narcisstic jerk. He did not break it off to "protect you" or to "stop hurting you" - he did it because he wanted to continue to have control over the situation and you. That shows by fact he got angry and pouty that you would not remain friends....why WOULD you want to remain friends with someone whom treated you as he did? He shows no respect or understanding about what love or friendship is all about.

 

Count your blessings you are apart from him now, because guarantee he would of done this to you for years and years if he could of. You deserve better....learn to believe it in yourself.

[tasiattasia]

that's what i was thinking he is a narcisist.

[AwdreeHpburn]

dude, I'm so sorry. He IS a player. He is no good, selfish and the only way to "win" this one is to act every time you are around him that it did NOT get to you. That will drive him nuts.

 

Act like you have already moved on, you're the happiest person on the planet...If you HAVE to see him sometimes, bring along a date, even a "dummy" date if you have to. Never let him see how much he has affected you. That will just feed into the sickness he has and will fuel the fire.

 

I'm sorry he "played" you and is doing the same thing to a wife and lots of other girls. He's sick. But you are not. You found out, got out and have a chance at real happiness.

 

You gotta play a player. Post here about how you're feeling, but don't ever let on to him how hurt or angry you are.

 

And try stay away from married men. They're trouble all around.

[Mrocza]

You gave him a second chance knowing what it would lead to.

 

Sorry if I'm not as sympathetic but if a guy is a cheating manipulating * * * * * * * and you're going to let him get away with it...

 

They say love is blind, but I just don't get it. You made a mistake but in no way is he good enough to be "rejecting you". He is making up some bull * * * * excuse to get you off his back. Why? Because he's caught.

 

My best advice, like RayKAy said, channel that anger.

 

Do not contact him.

 

Do not let him contact you.

 

Don't even attempt a friendship with him, he doesn't even deserve to be told off because that is already too much attention to bestow upon him. If need be, change your social situation. Or tell him to take a hike.

 

Try as hard as you can to move on and not look back...and don't get involved with involved men.

[AwdreeHpburn]

you go fairie!

 

I totally agree.

 

Get as far away from this guy as possible. Move on. I don't understand why you HAVE to see him socially, but if there's no avoiding it, you need to act unaffected because he's not worthy of your true emotion.

[tasiattasia]

guys like that control your mind. that's what i think her problem is, he's controlling her still.

[Sad_now]

You know, this is my first post, in fact my first visit to such a site. I wasn't expecting anything but your replies really make me cry, but in a good way. I just can't stop crying, even though I'm at work at the moment. For 2 years I have not shed a single tear. Even though I could sense things were not right. Two years together and not a single date (apart from 20 mins once at a Starbucks). Two years, and hundreds of plans to go out or away for a weekend, of which not ONE ever materialised. That's why I wasn't this upset after breaking up the first time. I told myself I deserved it for hanging on to him despite his mistreatment of me. He invited me to his house and made me walk miles in the cold to buy him stuff, with MY money, while he stayed indoors and watched TV. This is just one example of many. You've got to understand what a confident, charismatic man he is. He's 15 years older than me. I fully deserved what I got then.

 

However, when I broke up with him the first time and then got back, he was a changed person. I had no complaints about his behaviour. He was considerate, attentive, even loving. He used to drive miles to see me and talked about moving in with me. I never had said I loved him - he treated me and loved me like a princess after we got back, and when I finally told him I loved him (after 18 MONTHS of being with him), I found out 2 days later, he had been trying to woo back his ex for months. That's why I am so upset this time. I thought I was being firm and had made my wants from him clear. And he always told me that I was the only one he was seeing, and his actions suggested that.

 

When I brought up the whole issue, determined to resolve it, he accused me of trying to stir trouble and hassle the other woman. He told me I had 24 hours to call him and apologise for the trouble I had created. When I didn't, he called me. He insisted that I say I was sorry. When I (stupidly) did, he chillingly told me I'd be sorrier still. And then 4 days later I get the 'I don't want things to develop between us any further - for your sake' call. He even had the nerve to say that he didn't believe in honesty towards women, so I should take his 'honesty' about his wanting to bed other women as a mark of respect for me. And also that he had never, in his life, has less than 3-4 women at a time and he wasn't about to change. I still didn't cry despite feeling more humiliated than I have felt in my life.

 

I kept telling myself that no person is completely evil, and so neither was he. But now, after talking about marriage and children with me, he denies we even had a proper relationship. And so coldly and brutally.

 

OK, I must go and calm myself before any colleague walks in. I don't intend to show him how he has hurt me. Even yesterday, when he told me he didn't want to be involved with me or develop things further because he wanted to pursue other relationships, I just said 'Ok, Fine'. I hope I can keep that up...

 

You know the worst is, he is so cocky, he upsets you and then acts like nothing has happened. I bet he'll make a flippant joke on my single status when he next sees me...he apparently texted the other girl when she dumped him for seeing me saying 'So? How is life without me? Interesting?'...

 

Also agree with the comments that I let him do that to me. That adds to the frustration. I have to see him socially because I am a performing dancer and he is the group trainer! Can't give up my one hobby that I LOVE for him. If it had been a normal club or party that I had to go to, I would have stayed away forever, trust me. But this is my life. He's already taken away too much. That's the dilemma.

 

Thanks for your support. It means more to me than you think...I know I must control back. XX

[minnie]

So right now are you still speaking to him? Or have you not spoken to him since

[Mrocza]

Honestly, don't go anywhere near him until you can handle it.

 

He does sound like a vicious control freak who thrives on making you feel like * * * *.

 

You deserve better and you will get better. You'll meet a guy who appreciates you and shows you that appreciation, a guy who is devoted entirely to you and only you, a guy who thinks your wonderful and enough and will be the one defending you when people put you down, not be the one putting you down.

 

He is not worthy of you. You know that. That's why you're crying...because you were jilted into a 2 year relationship that was just a big lie. You wasted time on him but not anymore. Stand up for yourself. Do it for YOU.

 

If you ever run into him and he asks how life is without you, give him a genuine smile and say "You know what, it's great".

[yeawutever]

Yup, he's a big time player and narcisist, don't even consider him a friend. This guy even has mental issues, he's crazy.

[Sad_now]

Thanks for all your support. No, I haven't spoken to him since. He hasn't contacted me and neither have I. I have deleted his number from my mobile and that's that. I will run into him on a weekly basis - can't help that - but will definitely keep a brave but dignified face. I feel much better today. As if someone has handed my a life-line to get out of this mess. I am not going to waste it. Thank you so much for your support. I gave me motivation and strength. I'll keep you posted!

[Sad_now]

Is it silly that I miss his texts and calls? And that I am sad that it's finally over despite what he is?

[Sad_now]

OK - I just got a text from him saying that 'I want to apologise for upsetting you! You are a good person and I don't want to hurt you'.

 

My first instinct was to say 'Fine. Apology accepted, but I just want to move on. And we cannot be friends. End of story'. But now I don't feel like replying. Why should I give him the satisfaction of a reply or a reaction? Why should he get closure when I didn't. Sorry if I am being petty. It just feels damn good!

[Mrocza]

I say don't reply.

 

He apologized. You don't owe him a response. If you want to truley get him out of your life, do No Contact fully. Even if it means ignoring him when you see him. You have no reason to even be polite to him.

 

And it's normal to miss and almost regret that things ended, despite the fact that it was a bad relationship. You invested your emotions and time into this man...regardless if it didn't work and he wasn't worth it, YOU still tried. It'll pass though. *Hugs*

[Jonquil]

No, it's not silly that you miss his calls/texts or that you're sad despite knowing what he is. To him this wasn't real, to YOU it was. He is incapable of feeling real emotions, YOU are. It's called grieving.

 

I had a very ugly experience (I no longer call it a 'relationship') with a narcissistic-paranoid/schizoid recently, so I know exactly what you've been through and are going through. Few people can really understand this (and don't let anyone tell you to 'just get over it', coz this is mental rape and violation). There is no other word for crossing this person's path other than UGLY. There is no other word for these types of people other than EVIL. And extremely defective. No conscious, no guilt, no morals. I've been seeing a counsellor, which has helped a lot... I couldn't believe people like this existed either, there was just too much disbelief for my mind to come to terms with on my own.

 

What really helped me was understanding what this person really is, what makes him tick and why. The dawning of those things on me (through my own research) made me realise just how empty and damaged he really is, and that he is sentenced to something he can NEVER get out of. He cannot change. This is it for him... doesn't get any better. In understanding the huge hole a narcissist has in his psyche, and why he does what he does, it gave me back a sense of MY power.

 

I know the tremendous anger, pain and humiliation you are feeling at the thought that he got away with this, but... and I know this is really hard.... yes, he did get away with it. There is nothing you can do or say to him that will pull the balance anywhere near your favour now. He knows he was in control the entire time. He knows he had all the power. He got off on getting you to subordinate to him. Anything he ever said or did was to GET something from you or AVOID something. He's done this to many people in the past, and he will do it to many in the future. You were merely a target. The path of damage and destruction they leave makes me sick to my stomach... but it is what it is, nothing you can do other than pick your own pieces up.

 

I know this is hard too... but this was not 'love' to him. He is incapable of loving. This was about power, control, attention, adulation. It's called narcissistic supply. He lives in a false, invented, fantasy world where he is god (omnipotent). He loves an image he projects onto others who reflect it back to him (thus the story of Narcissus). The hardest thing to accept is that you were nothing but an object to him (much like a toaster)... disposable and dispensable.

 

The good news is that it's all a cover up. These people have enormous inadequacies. To the degree that they need to invent this world for themselves where they are in control and godlike is to the degree that they are covering up severe lacking. Huge mother issues.

 

Please... do not contact him again, do not look at him again, do not utter another word to him. ANY attention to a narcissist is feeding him... be it positive or negative.

 

I can only suggest you get on the net and read up about narcissists.... you'll recognise this empty soul there, I promise you. Dr Sam Vaknin (was/is a narcissist) wrote a book called "Malignant Love". link removed.

 

Understanding the primitive defense mechanisms he uses (denial, splitting, projection, projective identification, rationalisation, intellectualisation) will help you understand why he reacted the way he did. All these defenses are unconscious.

 

I guess one really good thing I got out of my experience was a lot of understanding into personality disorders. The unconscious/conscious. The id, ego and superego. Oedipus complex. Defense mechanisms. I found it fascinating and invaluable to be honest.

 

Through the counselling, I also found out who I am... what drives me unconsciously, that is now conscious... and you need to also. If you're not aware of something you do not have choice. You are just a puppet. I suspect this isn't the first bad guy you've gotten involved with. Yes, you got involved with a monster that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, but there is some fragmentation in you that you need to take responsibility for so men like this can not get in.

 

I wish you all the best in processing what you've been through, and it IS a process!.

[Sad_now]

This makes alot of sense. He certainly has and admits to alot of emotional emptiness and lack of feeling (although that's probably to gain sympathy or to present himself as an exciting 'challenge' to women). I will definitely read that website.

 

And you're right - it's hard to make people understand exactly how bad the situation is. The things he made me do were humiliating to say the least, but the fact is that I did them as if on auto-pilot, just to make him happy. It was total mind control. This other girl he's been seeing on and off for 8 years is a mental wreck. He got married abroad four years ago, and then came back and carried on with her as if nothing had happened. When she finally found out and confronted him, he told her he was testing her loyalty and devotion! And she kept seeing him... When I heard that, I thought, what the HELL is wrong with that woman? I almost (arrogantly) pitied her and thought she had zero self-respect. Two years down the road and I am in exactly the same position as that girl - the one I pitied and thought was weak! I am so ashamed of my arrogance then. I now realise she probably needed support, not derision. On the face of it, I am a happy, positive, confident, attractive career woman with great people skills. None of my friends would even be able to IMAGINE that I do the things I do for him - or take from him. For example, if he was annoyed at me, he used to call and threaten to dump me unless I called myself a **** and then used to hang up on me. I just took it. I just bloody took it.

 

The sad thing is it was almost pre-planned. He had been asking me out for almost a year before I agreed to meet him for coffee. Even then my plan was to say thanks but no thanks. I knew what he was like. And let me tell you, people like that are SO SO SO charming, they get to you. They have turned seduction into a fine art. My plan of 2 years ago to say thanks but no thanks over an innocent coffee obviously went horribly wrong, for which I'm paying now. The first few months, I wasn't taking it too seriously. You know what he said then? He said 'I'm going to get into your mind and I'm gonna make you cry'. You know, if you are a generally happy person like me and someone says this to you, you tend to take it as a joke in slightly bad taste. But now I just think he bloody meant it. WHY??? WHY???? Why would someone want to take a random girl who has never shown interest in him and screw her over completely...pre-planned??? It's just indicative of a diseased, diseased, sick mind.

 

I went to the doctor yesterday and he has arranged a counselling session and prescribed anti-depressants to me. My counselling is next Wednesday. I wirl see him on Sunday. I am trying to stay strong but not trying to avoid grieving as only that will help him rid me of my demon (HIM).

[Mrocza]

Thats the problem...the most evil people it seems are usually the most charming and manipulative people.

 

Against better sense it seems, you fall prey to them because at the time, they seem sincere. Even if you see the warning signs, it's almost as if you brush it aside because you feel you "know" them. Later, upon reflection you kick yourself because you felt you should have known better because it was right in front of you!

 

It's so difficult to get out of these situations because these people have this unique ability to get around loopholes and come out on top, no matter how bad they actually are. That was what the text message was for. He screwed up, but what normal people may see as him caving and admitting he is wrong, is in reality adding credibility to his situation and making him look better. It's almost ridiculous.

 

Honestly, do not blame yourself or beat yourself up about this because none of it is your fault. Yes, perhaps if you had a sixth sense or Bull * * * * radar with people, you would've realized sooner, but we're human. He is a talented jerk, that is all.

 

unfortunately, he will probably keep manipulating and tricking women until the last of his miserable days. I don;t even get how guys like him manage to exist. Don't punish yourself anymore- he's already hurt you. Don't let your slip in judgement bring you down further.

 

You are on the right track. Getting the help you need for you and eventually you'll realize that even if you did lost 2 years on him, you gained a unique insight that will help you in the future. And you can possibly help prevent other similar situations from occurring by sharing your newfound, however unwanted wisdom.

[Jonquil]

He said 'I'm going to get into your mind and I'm gonna make you cry'

 

I had similar things said to me that are still haunting me. Terrifying to remember things he'd said that, in hindsight, were actually telling me exactly who he was and what he was up to.

 

Statements like these are called 'paradoxes'. The definition of a paradox is: 'a statement that seems contradictory and absurd but may be true in fact'.

 

They work because when you hear something crazy like that, and you have no decisive way of proving it right or wrong, no history on the person and you assume the best in people, you apply logic... and logic says 'that's a bad joke' or 'that's so in my face it can't be true'. All happens in an instant in your mind. Little do you know it is true... until it's too late.

 

It's kinda like hiding in clear view. All it takes to pull this off is balls. For example... if I wanted to hide a diamond ring in my house so a burglar wouldn't get it, I can either put it in the freezer (obvious place), or I can leave it in clear view, say on a piece of furniture (not so obvious place). Burglar breaks in, goes straight to the freezer, no joy, on their way out they go straight past the diamond ring sitting RIGHT there under their noses the whole time. Clever. Cunning.

 

He said things like this for several reasons. One is to test you. Test how you'll react (or if you react at all). And test how far he can go with you (always testing how far he can go).

 

Another reason is to take all responsibility of himself. Because they live in constant denial and projection he'll tell himself (should he think about it for a second, and of course he doesn't) "I told her who I was and what I was doing... not my fault she didn't believe me, it's all her fault". His hands are clean in his own immature mind.

 

WHY??? WHY???? Why would someone want to take a random girl who has never shown interest in him and screw her over completely...pre-planned??? It's just indicative of a diseased, diseased, sick mind.

Asked myself the same thing many times. Still find the answer hard to come to terms with. Pre-planned deception?, yes, always. Knows no other way to get what he needs other than by deception and force. Why?, because he's a predator, a machine who needs constant feeding supply, and you were the prey. He doesn't stop and think that he's screwing you over, and if he did, he just wouldn't care (his splitting and other defense mechanisms ensure he doesn't care). The only thing that IS his universe is him. Please try and understand something.... he does not see you as a person, a girl... with feelings and boundaries. He has no boundaries and recognises no boundaries. He has no idea where he ends and anyone else begins. You were an OBJECT, a POSSESSION, a TOOL in the ruthless pursuit of his gratification and dominance. One object is the same as the next to him. I know it's harsh and incomprehensible, but that's the truth.

 

Think back to what he's told you about his relationship with his mother. And/or his childhood. You'll find lots of clues there.

 

This guy was abused in one form or another (mental, physical etc) as a child by a mother object. That's a guarantee. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family... and has become a reflection of it... repressing emotions, denying reality, resorting to escapism, disintegration. He has NO idea who he is.

 

Here's another way to look at all this. People who need to have power (one up, on top) over others had their caretakers power wielded over them when young. People who need to have control over others were controlled by their caretakers when young. This was how 'love' was expressed to them, so that's how they grow up to express it to others. It's 'love' gone very wrong. They were taken advantage of as a child, and that will never happen again.... THIS time THEY have the power and control. It's all a bit sad and pathetic, but don't pity him. He knows what he's doing and saying, he knows something is wrong, and as an adult he is responsible for himself. Abusing others because he was abused is not OK... all he's doing is treating others in as poor a fashion as he was treated in the past.

 

Look at it this way also. He is sentenced to a life of isolation precisely because he needs people SO badly....

 

On one end of the seesaw, he desperately needs to control things outside of himself to get a sense of power, worth, esteem... in this case women. So he does what comes naturally to him to get it from them (lie, cheat, seduce, manipulate etc, it's all an evil means to an end for him). Yet, on the other end of the seesaw, he is absolutely terrified of intimacy and commitment because it threatens to 'expose' his illusions, invented identity and vulnerabilities (ie he does not know HOW to really love). It's like a dog chasing a bus... the dog has no idea what to do with a bus once he's caught it, can't eat it, right?. So off he goes back on the merry-go-round of chasing another bus. That's why he can only go to a certain point, and why he needs so many to feed that point at one time. On top of it all, he despises himself for needing women so badly.

 

Imagine living with VERY strong opposing internal drives like that on a daily basis?. Imagine how much he suffers within on a day to day basis?. He has a lot of internal anxiety of that you can be assured of, hence his strong defense mechanisms, hence the chaos he reflects outwards. He truly is an empty, lost person. Try focusing your thinking onto seeing him for the pathetic, powerless anomally he really is.

 

Please don't beat yourself up too much. These people are so cunning, rehearsed and skilled at deceiving (themselves first and foremost) that anyone with any human vulnerability can get taken in for a hell ride. Take responsibility for loving yourself better, but none for his ways and actions... only he is responsible for those.

 

Really happy to hear you're looking after yourself by going to see your doctor, anti-depressants and the counselling. Awesome, awesome, awesome!!.

[Sad_now]

You know, it sounds like you know this man personally - your descriptions are that accurate. He says he is close to his mother, but has never, ever mentioned his father without bitterness. He has 6 children - the product of his lifestyle (not one from any of his two ex and current wives) of which none live with him. A sad life indeed.

And you're right about denial and projection and trying to absolve himself of responsibility. He told the other girl that they would end up together and have kids and when I asked him about it, he said she was emotionally unstable and hears what she wants to - which is not his problem. It's exactly what you have described.

And do you know - you're right. He KNOWS it. Because you know when he flipped and was so cruel and cold to me? When I texted him saying that he was an evil person and I hoped we would stay the way he was for the rest of his life because i could think of no better end to someone as rotten as he was. I think my text him home. After that he became HORRIBLE. Obviously I touched a raw nerve...

He hasn't texted again, but last night at 2am I got a silent message on my voice mail...number witheld...obviously him...why would I get such a message for the first time in my life the week we split? He just wants to stay in my mind. Now I keep expecting 'silent' messages...wondering whether I will get one or not. It's horrible how he KNOWS how to stay in someone's head...I will see him tonight as practise...and will let you know how it goes. I plan to TOTALLY ignore his existence...and have asked 2 friends to make sure they are there...wish me luck...and thank u! XX

[Sad_now]

He was being nice to me (also called me beforehand but I didn't reply) and then at the end of the evening the other girl told me he had texted her saying that he had finished with me despite the fact that I was really upset about it because he really wanted to be with her. Feels like such a slap on my face. I can't help feeling hurt

[justmoi]

I really feel for you.

I think im about to embark on exactly the same thing you are.

 

And i so dont want this pain.

Would be so much easier if they'd just stay away,coz he is torturing you.

 

Can you not change your tel number?

[Sad_now]

I may change my number because he texted me this morning asking why I was so distant. Can you imagine? After telling other women he's finished with me to be with them...what does he expect me to do? Go and hug him? I was civil to him. Even stood in the same social group and smiled politely at some dumb joke he made without making eye contact. I was socially very polite, yet he wants more. He wants ATTENTION positive or negative. Whether I am intimate with him, or whether I scream at him, he gets his required ego-stroking. What I did wound him up totally. I gave him no more attention than I would give a distant acquaintance.

If you feel you are about to experience what I have, let me advise you to walk away NOW with dignity while you have it. Don't be rude, don't even act as if he has upset you. Just use this time to emtionally distance from him and prepare yourself to accept life without him. That way, when he screws you over (which he will), your dignity and coolness about it will completely throw him. And you will also be mentally not that involved. Just distance yourself NOW. I am doing that, but a little too late. Had I done this earlier, I wouldn't have felt this awful. If you have the chance, take it...X

[justmoi]

Why are u so distant??...thats a bit of a joke!

Its as if he thinks he has done no wrong, now why would someone think they have done no wrong WHEN THEY QUITE OBVIOUSLY HAS do they convince themselves that they are the 'good guy', did he expect u too be gratefull..Hmm?

 

Its because your not reacting the way he would like u too i think thats getting him a bit paranoid, and wants to know why u arnt giving ANY reaction.

 

I would change my num, oh my days...beware of unwanted emails though if u do.