Loud Sigh

[Confessoress]

I was texting my boyfriend this evening as usual and he commented on how well my diet, job hunting and new life style was going saying he was impressed. I told him I appericated that and said thanks.

 

Later he said I sounded bored (I wasn't, I've just got thinks on my mind). He asked what's up. I said lots of little things I suppose (the biggest one feeling I missed him, I haven't seen him for 3 months now). He asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said I donno (since I didn't know how to say I missed him). He replied saying "Ooook". I then told him about something else and that I've been trying so hard to sort my life out and I wish it would all happen faster.

 

Shortly after I worked up the courage to tell him I missed him, which was really on my mind. I stared at the text contemplating sending it for a while, but I did it. He replied saying "You're just having a weird evening. Think that film hit the spot. lol" I watched Awakenings earlier you see. I replied saying "Please don't do that. I've felt like that for a while, just because I don't say something doesn't mean I don't think or feel it." and he replied "I don't hold it against you, I'd miss me if I were you." That made me burst into tears, I'd worked up the courage to say it and that's how he replies. I said "Geez hon. That was kinda insensitive He then says "I was just kidding, nevermind." I then said "I gathered, but I am in one of those moods."

 

It concerns me, this isn't the first time. Anytime I say anything like that, be emotional I suppose you could say, he'll reply with something like "Oh it's because you're bored.", "Oh you've just had a bad day."

 

This contributes to why I haven't told him I love him. I'm afraid he'd do something similar.

 

I love him so much and I miss him and I'm bursting.

 

What is with this? He seems to care but he does that kind of thing. Some male opinions would also be appericated.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

maybe he's not big on expressing himself verbally? but i do agree, what he said was very insensitive. i'm sorry to hear that happened

[allstar18]

He could just be shy and afraid to open up. I was like that at first. It depends on how long you have been going out and where your are in your relationships.

[Tigris]

I don't think he knows what to say and is just trying to joke to stop you feeling down. Tell him that it makes you feel worse when he does that to you.

[Confessoress]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I said goodnight last night.

 

It's now 6 p.m. the next day. I have not contacted him all day, because I've noticed lately I've been doing it first. I needed to know if he was thinking about me. Needless to say I didn't get a morning text or anything today yet. That might not seem a long time, but for us that is.

 

He's been posting on a forum several times today. He's been online on messenger since 1 p.m. and I left mine running to see if he'd message, he didn't. He was made redundant a little while back, he's had one job interview but he hasn't looked other than that (wants a break, not looked that he's told me of lately anyway). At this moment in time he's been playing his X360 all day it appears, so why didn't he contact me. Maybe I'll have to face up to the fact he simply isn't thinking about me.

 

So tempted to message him. Should or shouldn't I?

[RayKay]

I say don't honestly...if you are always the one doing it, I think being the first will only have you even more upset that YOU had to be the one to contact him....in other words I don't think it will make you feel better. I think you should see if he contacts you...I wonder if maybe he is feeling a bit "pressured" so he is doing this as a control thing or maybe even just lazy about it all and expects you to do the work...

 

I am not sure why he reacts the way he does, my guess is either he is not sure what to say, he is a bit nervous, or he may just not feel the same, so does not empathize as well or feel it as you do. I don't know, you have talked a few times about things and to me it just seems to me he is not quite as 'invested' as you are, but it may also be that he just expresses himself differently, and it might also be the distance that gives that perception. I am not him, and I am not you either, so I can only make guesses, not accurate statements!

 

But then again when he does ask if you want to talk, you also say no....so he can't read your mind honey, and you can't hold that against him You can't expect him to express his feelings, if you are also feeling nervous to do the same!

 

I think you really need to gather up the courage to talk to him, and tell him that when he jokes about your feelings, it kind of takes away the sincerity of them, and that you also feel sometimes a bit distant from him when he does that. And...let him know you care a lot about him and really do miss him regardless of if you are stressed or not.

[Confessoress]

Hey again RayKay

 

I feel confused, because I don't really understand why he reacts the way he does. I gathered it came down to either he didn't feel the same way or he expresses himself differently.

 

I am certainly not going to make excuses for him, because it does appear his Sikh upbringing has left an impression on him whether he admits it or not. From when he talks about them I get the impression they aren't emotional to each other very often, and he has been brought up to be extremely self reliant in the mind. His sister had an arranged marriage, and not a love match. His brother is getting married in July. He has told his parents he does not want that, they accept it. I think the fact he wasn't allowed to listen to music and watch movies etc until was 13 has effected him as well. Although he claims his parents must of done something right, coz he didn't turn out that badly. But I keep asking myself, where is the love?

 

As I have mentioned the last couple of times he has visited me here, but that is purely because I can't afford to get a hotel where he lives right now and I don't think it's right that I should have too.

 

As you can see he seems concerned about my well-being. When we are together he is quiet affectionate, even more so when he was last here. If there is something I'm working on he'll send me helpful word files etc. But when I mention emotions he doesn't appear to know how to handle it. If he doesn't feel something he nothing comes right out and says it, he isn't very tactful like that. I wonder if he's sparing my feeling or just not knowing how to handle it.

 

If he didn't want me, why would he have done all he has, why would he stay in this relationship. Conveniance? I don't think he's that cruel.

 

It's just fustrating. I don't know how to discuss it with him.

[RayKay]

Naw, I doubt it's convenience...nothing convenient about an LDR!

 

I do believe he does care about you...I really don't doubt that. But I do believe his upbringing may influence how he expresses affection and also maybe even influence his capacity for love.

 

This may change for him, or it may not....so you have to decide if you can accept what he IS, rather then worry about what he is NOT. If you need more, that is okay, but you may never get more from him either. So it is your choice as to what YOU need and whether this is right for you.

 

You know, perhaps he is afraid to express his feelings as he is afraid of how YOU will react...perhaps you need to take the first step and say those words you definitely feel...as you have said you do.

 

As my late boyfriend once told me....

 

Just because someone does not love you as you expect them to, does not mean they do not love you with all they have.

[Confessoress]

Thank you Ray Kay. Your boyfriend was smart, very well put.

 

Everytime I think it all over I realise that when we're together I don't have any of these issues, I'm happy and he's affection is enough for me.

 

But when we're apart it's a whole different ball game. I find it difficult, since it appears he isn't very good at expressing himself verbally. And what is there in a long-distance relationship other than to talk?

 

I'm going round and round in circles. Right now I feel like I'm never going to see him again.

 

Ho hum.

 

It's 8.15 p.m. and he still hasn't contacted me. Harder to keep mind of it in the evening.

[Confessoress]

8:47 p.m..... this NC thing drives me nuts.

[RayKay]

8:47 p.m..... this NC thing drives me nuts.

 

It's not NC...you guys are together. It IS stepping back though and not chasing after him

[Confessoress]

It's not NC...you guys are together. It IS stepping back though and not chasing after him

 

Ah, I shall rephrase. It's letting the bacon come to me

[Confessoress]

9:22 p.m. It will seriously worry me if he doesn't contact me this evening

[Confessoress]

10 p.m.

 

I don't think he's going to make the move.

[Confessoress]

Call it an overeaction, but I'm on the edge of bursting into tears.

 

Seems he's as stubborn as I am.

[Mavh25]

please dont be upset, it is so hard to read txts the way they are meant. I have totally been in the position you are, and i can say that he is probably wondering why the heck ya havent txt, not because he is lazy, but because like you said he is used to you making the first move. I can understand what you mean though, why on earth cant he just send you a txt if he really wants to talk to you. But maybe its just not in his nature to chase a girl. My boyfriend is pretty much the same as yours, brought up in a very religious familywho refused to lethim stay with his girlfriends even at the age of 20. but he began to rebel, and even now he will not show affection properly, especially when prompted because he does not like to be pushed into to saying something, like when i say i love you, he doesnt ssay it back all the time. what im saying is maybe he is jut scared to admit he has deep feelings or maybe he doesnt know how to react to them, show them, and maybe he is embaressed, maybe your the first and he doesnt know what youll say.so many possibilities

[Mavh25]

send him a huge txt telling him everything, and say you want to know where you stand and you dnt want to be the only one making the effort, dont worry bout what you say, just say what you feel. and see what he says. BUT AFTER YOU TXT HIM, TURN YOUR PHONE OFF AND GO TO BED, SEE WHAT HE SAYS IN THE MORNING, LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE YOU SLEEP

[Confessoress]

I gave up and txt. He replies "Ello ello. What you up to?" as if nothing has happened. I replied "Feeling forgotten about." He replied "Thought you could use some time to yourself. How'd it go at the dentist?"

 

...... Don't know what to make of that or how to reply.

 

*Edit - I replied with "I didn't want time to myself. Why did you presume that? It was fine. What have you been doing?"

[Confessoress]

Oh for gawd sakes... Grrr you were right.

 

He replied "I figured you'd have text otherwise. I've been playing XBOX most of the day, what you been up to?"

 

Reply "I didn't text because I was seeing if you would. balancing the scale. I felt uncomfortable knowing I normally did it first a lot. Didn't want to be annoying nuisance. Dentist was fine..." etc

 

Then "How'd it go at the dentist? I'm gonna get some cereal and get into bed."

 

OMG, male opinions please. It's as if nothing happened. It's as if what I just said didn't get into his head. Arggggh.

 

Is this him feeling totally secure in this relationship and me being totally insecure?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

i think it's both =P

 

just come out and say your upset.

[Confessoress]

Hello.

 

I did and he said "Don't get upset about the small things you wally!" I replied saying "Sometimes small things are more important than the big things." and he said "Only sometimes

 

He texted me this morning. I guess he got the idea.

 

I don't know why, but I didn't feel very happy this morning still. I guess I just miss him. I don't want to go 4 months without seeing him, but it's starting to look likely. I don't think he's that bothered about it.

[Pixiemeat]

I've been reading your posts for a while now, and I'm sorry to say but your relationship strikes me as very odd. You both live in the UK (which, let's face it, is not *that* difficult to get around, certainly easier than the situation our LD pals in the US) and yet you see each other so infrequently. I don't understand why. Then there's the issue of his parents, which I don't really understand if he says that it's not because of your differences in culture. If that isn't the case, then why not introduce you to them?

 

Then there's the issue of you being keen and him not, which I know all too well (I'm in a relationship now which has had all the same issues you are currently having, so I'm not having a go, just trying to advise). You contact this guy all the time, you make him the focus of your world, and he doesn't seem to do the same. He fobs off your feelings as you being emotional or tired, which my bf has done in the past too, and that's not the right thing to do. I can bet that when he's upset you'll do everything in your power to make everything right again - and he's not. I'm not saying he's a bad boyfriend, but at the moment I think he's taking you for a ride. He doesn't have to put any effort into the relationship, into respecting you as his girlfriend, into respecting you as a person, because you do it all for him. When he spent ages replying to you, do you think he was worrying and fretting and posting on here? The guy was sat on his * * * * playing xbox all day!

 

I have been in this situation before, giving too much and getting little in return. YOU are a catch, you shouldn't have to chase him. If he wants you, he'll work at it. Does he even see you as boyfriend and girlfriend? His actions don't seem to indicate that.

[Confessoress]

Hi Pixiemeat, thanks for your thoughts. You feedback seems fair, but I suppose I need to clarify myself.

 

Yeah we both life in the U.K, but I'm currently unemployed and at this moment am broke. Previously he was working only part-time after dropping out of Uni and didn't have much money. Within that time he bought us tickets for things and came down to my place (on coach) which pretty much made him broke at the time. September we did something slightly silly, he got a loan out so we could go to Rome. I agreed to pay my half back, but didn't forsee my circumstances. He again in December came down to my place, but instead drove himself this time. In January I managed to pay him back some of the loan.

 

Right now he's redundant and I'm still unemployed. I cannot to afford to go up there, because as I said I can't stay at his parents and he can't afford to come down here.

 

Over a couple of months I ran up a large mobile phone bill, even after he warned me (and yes he was calling me as much as I was calling him in this time). I then had my phone cut off. So, he bought me a new sim card and sent me it. I put it in an old phone (it's pay as you go) and he called me without fail 2 times a week and txted/MMS everyday.

 

Does this not seem like in fact he is the one giving more than myself?

 

Now his parents. He didn't even tell his Dad he still wasn't going to uni. How his Dad didn't know this already I don't know. In fact his family know very little about his private life and I gather his Dad has high expectations of him and this is the reason why.

 

The reason he gave for not telling his family about us is this. His ex-gf lived with them for a while (white, Brit, Christian, couldn't speak Punjabi etc). They disliked her intensely because she wasn't successful etc. But apparently they made an effort, but did give her the cold shoulder. They moved out she then ran off with his best friend. His family came out with I told you she was no good nonsense. His Dad is less tolerant now. This is a family that has had their daughter and son married off into arranged marriages, were it is more important whether the partner has a good job and is financally secure, not whether they love each other or not.

 

He has told them he doesn't want an arranged marriage, he wants to be with someone of his own choosing. They appear to have accepted this, not gladly and I think are still hoping they can marriage him off. He told me if he had a career and some money his Dad would probably not care very much who he was with, because he'd be secure. Either that or the person he was with, i.e me had a career and was secure. If not I'd instantly be given the cold shoulder and they wouldn't be very nice to me. And he doesn't want that. They would make it difficult for us. He wants them to like me, so I can visit there and they won't do those things to me. He doesn't want to fall out with them and he doesn't want to fall out with me.

 

I came to the conclusion that this sounded not like an excuse, but wasn't completely sure. I told myself once I've been working for a while and he still hasn't told them I've obviously got a problem.

 

He does see me as his girlfriend. His friend know about me and I have received texts from them on my birthday.

 

I could be wrong, but I think he's giving all he is capable of giving emotionally. My upbringing was very different, full of love and caring. His, from the sounds of it wasn't.

 

As for the day before yesterday. The day before that he has asked if something was wrong as I seemed off, asked if I wanted to talk about it and I didn't. That is my fault. The next day he thought I needed time by myself. This is what a lot of males do, I noticed they climb into a cave for a while when they need to think and maybe he thought I was doing the same.

 

Today and yesterday he's been contacting me first. Back to normal so to speak.

 

What I have wrote is not an excuse for him, I still wonder about all of it. But there are two sides to every story and maybe I hadn't given a very rounded picture.

[yumblefish]

I hate bl**dy text messages. For pity's sake pick up the phone and talk to the guy! You can 't read anything from a bunch of pixels on a screen. Listen to his voice and let him hear yours.

[Confessoress]

And that's another issue all together... can't when his parents are around.

 

I must be mad...