mystik Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Hi all, I've been thinking about healing after a break up - especially being the dumpee lately. Having been in two serious relationships, the first one where I was the dumper, and recently, the dumpee, I was wondering.... If you've been dumped more than once, is it easier the second time? Why or why not? What about the third, fourth, fifth? Does it matter how intense the relationship was? I'm sure it is a big part of it, but in general, does it just get easier and easier to get over someone? I'm asking because I know I'm young and will have many relationships (hopefully!) to come and I wonder if the next time it will be easier...will the knowledge/experience I gain from this time help me? Or will it hurt just as bad? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Mystik, I dont think it gets easier the more you get dumped. But, I do think you learn to cope with it better and move on better. I have only had two long term relationship and a few dating relationships. I have always been the dumpee. Each time it has been hard, but you learn from it and you take what you learned from that relationship and move it on to the next relationship. Right now I am single, but if I were to get into another relationship, I take what I learned from my past relationship into my new relationship, so I can avoid making mistakes. As you date more, have more relationships, you get wiser and the recovery gets easier somewhat. But, still heartbreak is heartbreak and it will always involve some pain. Each relationship is different. I am sort of over my current breakup but it took me almost 6 months and me moving 2000 miles away. Link to comment
Scout Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I honestly think it depends on what you take away as your "learning experience." For example, if you take away that you or the other person had a specific tendency or assumption that contributed to the break-up, that's pinpointing your problem more accurately. If you decide to take away from the break up that all guys or girls are basically jerks, then you have not pinpointed the problem, lol. And if you really weigh what attracted you to that person in the first place, and then ask yourself if those turned out to be qualities you really needed versus wanted for the wrong reasons, well then you're really learning a valuable lesson. The point is not to repeat history over and over again, because then you simply get hurt over and over again. And eventually, when you experience pain more often than not in relationships, it can really mess with your perspective. Link to comment
sidehop Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I agree with renaissancewoman...it really depends on the level of relationship you have with one person. I've been dumped...dumped my ex once and it hurts both ways. Healing always involves time and the effort to heal correctly... Link to comment
Dako Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 It would be nice if you gradually became immune, wouldn't it? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I dont think anybody can become immune to the pain that comes with breakup, unless we didnt have much invested in that relationship. A relationship involves some opening of the heart, investment of feelings, baring of our soul, etc. Anytime we do something like that, we open ourselves to hurt and disappointment, esp when the other person leaves us, does not reciprocate, or is indifferent. We are all human and we all have feelings, whether we want to admit it or not. Link to comment
octopus Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 i dont think it gets easier. It would only get easier if you started a new relationship not opening yourself up, in order to not let your heart get broken. But then what's the point? Link to comment
thegirl_00 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 It wont get easier, unless the relationship was a foul one. But you will, after time, learn from your experiences on how to handle the break up better next time. Hopefully helping you to get over them easier and faster. Link to comment
Diggitydave Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 it's like breakin your arm twice, the 2nd time you just know what to expect Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 nice analogy. Sometimes we break our arms and it never heals. Sometimes, it heals faster than other times. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think it ever really gets easier, but it all depends on the individual relationship, and your feelings towards the other person at the time of the breakup. I left an ex whom I lived with for 5 years 8 years ago, and for me the relationship was over long before I cut ties, he was abusive and had a drikning and drug problem. Leaving him was pure elation for me, I hardly grieved at all after I left-- but the year before, when it was disintigrating, I grieved plenty then. After him, I dated someone seriously for 2 years and left him after I found out some less than ideal things (he had a closet drinking problem as well), and I was totally devestated. That time I thought I might actualy die of a broken heart, I lost 25 lbs (and was thin to begin with), and didn't sleep, holed up in my place for months. It was awful. More recently my present bf of 3+ years and I split briefly last year for a short time and it was equally devestating. In the first breakup I had long since fallen out of love with the guy but with the last two serious splits I was still very much in love... so I really think that is when it's the killer. Even when you know what to expect it's stll very difficult to go through, but we always survive. That's something that kept me strong this last time- if I made it through that first doozy I knew I could survive anything. Link to comment
gratefulpain Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 It dosent really get easier per se.... But you end up with a "blueprint" for breakup.. a kind of "been there done that" kind of feeling... you know deep inside its gonna hurt but you intuitively know you'll make it... alot of teens experience that first breakup... (that we all felt) that one hursts the worst..alot end of commiting suicide (no blueprint).... .. or you could become distant.. no quiye full engaged inthe realtionship (un cool) .. afraid to love deeply again.... My old old ex,, was devistated by a guy,,, and as I look back I think she just used me as revenge against all guys.... she accepted all my nice gifts etc. etc. then a year later said cya..... Your hearts been schooled... mine too... but I am determined to take all that negative energy and "convert" it into re-shaping ME key word "convert" If I had to do it all over again... I would ..... heres some Garth.... Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Link to comment
mystik Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 It would only get easier if you started a new relationship not opening yourself up, in order to not let your heart get broken. But then what's the point? I was hoping to go with that plan... but you're right, what's the point then? Besides, I know I'll end up getting emotionally attached/involved if it's good, so if it does fail, I'll have to go with all the advice given above. Though, it would be nice if it we became immune to it after a while like Dako said, hehe... Link to comment
mystik Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 It dosent really get easier per se.... But you end up with a "blueprint" for breakup.. a kind of "been there done that" kind of feeling... you know deep inside its gonna hurt but you intuitively know you'll make it... alot of teens experience that first breakup... (that we all felt) that one hursts the worst..alot end of commiting suicide (no blueprint).... hi grateful, we meet again ... Yes, I feel like that, like I'm preparing this miniature how-to guide based on what I went through, as well as all the wonderful advice/guidance enotalone has given me. It's probably going to hurt just as bad next time but I'll know how to handle my emotions and thoughts at least a little better. Plus, I'll have that knowledge of "Well I got over it the first time, so I'll get over it this time." Unfortunately, your mention of suicide reminds me of a classmate I had in highschool. A year after graduation I heard that he had committed suicide and when I found out why, I couldn't believe it: his girlfriend had gotten pregnant, then decided she wanted nothing to do with him, and broke up with him. I didn't know him too well but I couldn't understand how a break up could cause someone, who I knew to be a pretty happy guy when I knew him, to end his life. I couldn't fathom the pain that he felt. When I went through my recent dumpee experience, I really understood. It was the first time I had ever felt like that in my whole life and I couldn't believe how much pain I could actually feel. The first time is such a shock. It was two years after his suicide that I could finally begin to understand the choice he made. It is sad to think that he couldn't have found another option though. It made me really grateful for my friends as well as the people here. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I think it all depends on the relationship. It also depends on your attitude. The more cynical, jaded, and bitter you are, the easier it is to feel nothing...because you essentially expect it to happen and maybe even start breaking up with the other person first just so you don't get dumped...needless to say...this is not the path you want to walk down... So the deeper answer to your question is don't worry about it. Try to take each relationship completely fresh and independent of the past, applying only what you've learned from past relationships to make the new one better. Leave the baggage and bad memories behind. Love like it's your first, and love like it's your last. Link to comment
Pikey1972 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Yes, I fully agree friscodj - like the final statement in particular! Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Yes, I fully agree friscodj - like the final statement in particular! Hey I like it too! It just became my signature then... Link to comment
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