My Update #1

[Orlander]

Hello my fellow digitari forumites.

 

I have been on a rollercoaster ride for the past 8 months because of my ex. I can't believe it has been so long. Last summer my ex found Christ and unfortunately decided she needed me to convert to her beliefs in order for us to be together. Three weeks ago she finally decided it was not going to work and established a firm NC.

 

I emailed her a nice goodbye letter, told her that I had opened my heart to Christ and that I wished her a good life. Then, I setup my email to forward all future emails from her to the trash.

 

I saw her a couple of days later at a bookstore we used to hang out together. She had been avoiding going there, but not today. She said hi and smiled like she was happy to see me, I smiled, said hi and kept walking. That's the last time I talked to her.

 

She hasnt tried to call or contact me in anyway. I think she wanted to talk to me at the bookstore though.

 

I feel bitter and angry. She was my only family in town, my best and really only friend and the woman I was going to marry. I'm getting by though. I am staying busy.

 

I try to stay positive and be thankful for being alive. I have found God and am grateful for that, but cant get over this feeling that I didnt deserve this and that faith, God and Christ are meant to bring people together, not force them apart.

 

I loved my ex very very much and it was the best relationship, the best woman, the best friend I ever had...

 

but...

 

last June, I was depressed and unhappy. I wished that things would change. I prayed to God (actually on by birthday) that things would change and I believe this is that birthday wish coming true. At that time I had little compassion, little joy in life and absolutely did not feel grateful. I had fear about myself and about relationships.

 

I completely believe this is a present for me. I now get to focus on those things that I am lacking in and for once learn to be happy with myself, by myself. I can conquer my fears, feel grateful for everything else I have and move confidentally in the direction of my own dreams.

 

I'm convinced of all this being a wakeup call and that my true love is waiting for me to straighten up.

 

Thanks for listening. There's more to post later.

 

Orlander

[luvagain]

Orlander,

 

Hey, good for you my friend. You saw her, said hi and kept walking, good.

 

"I feel bitter and angry. She was my only family in town, my best and really only friend and the woman I was going to marry. I'm getting by though. I am staying busy.

 

I try to stay positive and be thankful for being alive. I have found God and am grateful for that, but cant get over this feeling that I didnt deserve this and that faith, God and Christ are meant to bring people together, not force them apart.

 

I loved my ex very very much and it was the best relationship, the best woman, the best friend I ever had..."

 

I know the feeling. I have been praying and asking for strenght to get through this. However, sometimes I feel that not only have I been abandoned by my ex but also by God. I feel alone and I feel that my prayers are not getting through to him.

 

I was raised catholic but I rebelled and questioned everything about it. I made sure to stay neutral between science and religion. I feel awful because in my darkest hours I turn to him but he knows well I haven't been there for him. I was told not to stop asking and to keep praying because that's what God wants me to do. I have been dealing with the break up on my own and I feel that I have bottled up so many feelings. I have no support where I am so I'm forced to keep it inside. It is at night whe I let go, in the privacy of my dark room where HE can hear me and know the pain I feel

 

My feelingis that if I don't love (truly love) in this life then I will love in the next. I hope I love in this one.

 

I'm glad you are doing well.

[Orlander]

I've been reading a lot of St. Augustine, St. Francis and more contemporary works by Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer. I believe God is in us and wants happiness for us. He has given each of us the skills and tools we need to bring what we want manifested into our lives.

 

I learned a lot from this breakup. Though, a great love was lost, I feel, in a way I gained my heart and soul.

 

Yes, I'm angry.

Yes, I'm sad.

Yes, uncertain and fearful.

 

But, I know its part of the healing process and I'm learning to have enough faith in myself to "advance confidentally in the direction of my own dreams"

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

Hey again.

 

This past weekend went pretty well. I stayed busy, though not as busy as I had wanted. One thing I did to help was to buy a planner and use it religiously.

 

I started doing this when my ex first broke up with me last August and I still use it and now, more than ever it is helpful. I usually plan out my week on Sunday and check off the items that I complete each day as I do them. It's a great feeling when I get through all the items in a given day; a definte sense of accomplish and I give myself a mental pat on the back.

 

Using the breakup with my ex before this recent one as a measuring tool, I can see that I am doing a lot better, a lot faster. I think i just made up my mind that this last girl wasnt worth it and the pedistal I first placed her on was just too heavy to support its own weight. It has come crashing down and taken the image of my ex with it.

 

Unfortunately, I am also now certain I should have established NC as soon as she broke up with me. i could have saved myself 6 months of anguish and pain. I dont know if its a defense mechanism, but I have found myself sometimes feeling truly sorry for her what the choices she made. I am sure that will pass along with the sadness and anger.

 

How do you know when you are ready to date again? Well, I think I know. Right now, I compare every girl to my ex. It's really hard not to do and I believe it just takes time before I will be able to stop doing that. I remember that when I met my recent ex I did compare her to my exgirlfriend before her...at least a little, but it became apparent within a few minutes, that this girl was much better.

 

I'm looking forward to new love. Thanks for reading.

 

 

Orlander

[sbrew21]

I think if you are a social person and enjoy meeting people you are always ready to date. Its just finding that someone who is worthy of dating you. I have learned there is always someone better out there. Its amazing how much timing plays a part as well.

[Diggitydave]

As it says in the bible God will never leave or forsake you. He just wants you to run to him and him only. He wants to see your dedication and he wants to bless you so keep good faith, pray about this daily, cry to him, tell him how you feel (even though he already knows). This is the ONLY keeps me goin sometimes, is just knowing that he is going to get me through this if and only if I trust him.

[Orlander]

Thanks sbrew21 and DiggityDave. I'm a social person somewhat. Sounds funny to say, but I am always talking to people. I talk to others at work, talk to dozens of my students when I teach martial arts, talk to the fellow students of my aikido class and I talk to my dad every day.

 

I just dont have a core group of friends to hang out with or network through. I only have a couple of guy friends that I do anything with and they are both in serious relationships so we cant go out looking for women.

 

My days of going to clubs and bars to pickup women are over. Id much rather meet a nice woman at a social event, restaurant, bookstore or through a mutual friend.

 

I pray everynight and sunday night through thursday night I am usually fine. Its friday and saturday nights that are so tough. Thanks for listening.

 

 

Orlander

[Diggitydave]

Orlander, i agree about meetin people at bars.

[curlygirl47]

Um, YOU were in the bar, and you are a good person. Whether a person is in a bar or not does not necessarily indicate that the relationship won't work or that he or she is a bad person. My husband and I went to church all the time and we never went to bars, and the marriage still failed. I've never understood that comment about meeting people in bars. You meet people wherever you go, and you don't necessarily fall in love with somebody at a social club just because you go there. You fall in love when you fall in love. I mean, do what you want, but just remember that you were in the bar too.

[Orlander]

I see what you mean Curlygirl. It's a comfort thing, I guess. I'm more comfortable approaching someone at a a starbucks, bookstore or art show than approaching someone at a bar or club.

 

I know you have to get out of your comfort zone often times to get something you really want, but I just dont see how that is applicable when it comes to finding a soulmate.

 

I'm just trying to heal myself and have faith that when I am ready to date again I will know. I hope so anyway.

 

 

Orlander

[Diggitydave]

I think he was implying that the first impression should be sober

[Orlander]

Very true!!

 

I'm just a romantic and there isnt anything innately romantic in meeting someone at a bar or club. just my personal preference.

 

Like I said though, I compare every woman to my ex right now and thus no one woman is going to win my heart as long as this keeps happening.

[Lansing]

Interesting that I read this thread for the first time tonight...

 

Tonight, I have been having doubts about my faith because of breaking up with a girl I dated shortly. This thread has helped me reflect on my faith though.

 

thanks

[gratefulpain]

Congratulations. You have Graduated from the school of broken hearts...

 

good for you man.....

 

im in my freshman year

[Orlander]

I'm glad this helped, Lansing. This whole ordeal has really gotten me to realize what loving another means and how compromises must be made and fears must be abolished.

 

I, too, want to break NC, but I know that not speaking to her is for the best. It's time to focus on me. The weekends suck and sometimes it is hard to remember what is was like to be loved by someone, but I have to keep keeping on.

 

 

Orlander