Breakup gettin me down

[Alpar80]

I guess it is a bit hard to stomach at this time. My girlfriend and I, who have been together for about a year now, have come to a point in our lives where she feels that it would be better that we remain as friends.

This girl was the first girl who was significant to me; there have been many in the past that came and went but (Jane) was the one who I felt knew me better than myself in many ways, scary huh? We had both recently finished undergraduate school and made plans to continue together in a new city where we would both persue our graduate degrees. I felt that she was really the one for me and am still very true to that feeling. However, recently this summer things have been shaky with us. Both of us are facing a dramatic change in our lives and have been dealing with a great load of stress. When two people are in a stressful situation together and really have no one else to fall back on it can be very diffacult, usually the stress is directed towards the other person in a frusterated fashion. All of this build up and frustration has led her to make the dicision, for the moment as she says, to be friends.

O.K. So I accept this, being the pessimist that I am I have a real feeling that things are going to work out with us, especially moving to a new city where we dont have anyone but ourselves. I feel that right now she is facing a very hard time in her live, not accepting change, placing blame on me, and in turn not really needing a relationship with me.

I love (Jane) very much and care for her. I know she knows this and I know that this is hurting her as much as it hurts me; I see it in her actions because she hasn't stood still since this all went down, she has been all over the place visiting all her friends, staying up all night, going out.

Maybe she needs this right now and I accept that. My biggest concern is not ever getting her back. I love her very much and eventhough the relationship went a little sour lately, this doesnt mean we should not work things out between us and be together. I feel that we are going to need eachother in the future especially, this is why I am not pulling a "nutty" and going off the deep end, I am respecting her individuality and space. However, there are times, especially at night when I miss her very, very much and i find it hard not to pick up the phone and call. I dont want to lose her, and I want her to be back with me. I think that she, deep down inside, wants the same but she is not ready for that commitment now. How is the best way to deal with this and win her heart back without scaring her off? I think by taking it easy is the best thing now, but I dont want to "play hard to get" and completely ignore her, that would crush her.... Should I still remain friends with her, or back off entirely? Should I take down her pictures and move on?

I am really confused because what she tells me by needing her space is obvious but, the catch 22 is that she still wants me around to be a friend, even to cuddle with at night. She is a very confused person right now, and doesnt know what she wants. I just need answers. It is too early for all of this to happen. I feel that she is playing a test game with me to see if I am as faithful as I say I am. Please help!!!

This love has just really blossomed and I feel that she is escaping because she is fearing change and is jsut insecure. I want to have her back with me and be there for her, but I dont want to ruin any chances.

...Sleepless in New England

[zwarren]

Girls go through very different emotional situations. You were right not to go "nutty". Give her the space she needs but if she needs you be there for her. Let her know you still care for her, but you also respect her decisions. I think everything will work out for you. It seems to me like its just a phase. Remember give her space, but make it obvious that you still have feelings for her. After all you dont want her to think you have forgotten her or she might decide she needs to move on. You are in a much better situation than most other people on these boards. You have kept your cool and respected her wishes. Just keep on truckin Al.

[cookies]

She may be going through confusion, I really cant say at this point, but when we get to this point in our relationships when one of the two ppl involved feel as if they need a break, its best to grant it out of respect, and understand that weather or not we realize it,..something has happened for them to feel this way...(regardless of how wonderful the relationship may hve been prior)...

 

Dont try to over evaluate whats happening between the two of you by constantly burdening ur mind with "what ifs" situations...because love takes us on such horrendious rides sumtimes, all we can do is buckle up and ride it out,..and it usually turns into a smooth ride in the end...if its meant to be, and all according to how you approach and deal with her present state of "mind"..if u will...

 

If she still wants to cuddle, theres probably some feelings still there, because if it wasnt, she would want nothing to do with u, and it may have ended dreadfully painfully 4 u. In some situations, its good to remain friends, and in other instances, its simply not a smart idea. When u ahve a partner out there trying to test out the waters, thats not cool to wait on them to figure out what they want, but in these cases when theres a partner with a bit of confusion...then being friends..and close friends at that..is what they need to take it a bit slower..and help them realize what u have to offer her in a future together...

 

dont approach her as being forceful, or even talk about anything in a reminiscing way of ur past...just go with the present and do encourage one another about anything positive and outlooks u know she may have..thats what will bring her heart back home to u where it belongs,..because its just not too many men out there that care enough to go "there" with us, which is just so beautiful and important in helping us get a mental view of being with a certain man forever...and in ur case...

 

her lying in ur arms, not only as friends, but someday as ur wife...just take it easy on her..and be a gentleman...that will win her over in due time...

 

im sure of it...

 

 

 

cookies

[Alpar80]

I thank you all for such good advice. I think the hardest hurdle for me to face at this moment is being away from her. We spent every day close by eachothers side; eventhough recently it got shaky we still tried to work everything out. I want to be there with her but, she needs her space. What do I do? She wants to be friends and so do I but, I dont want to crowd her space. I want to cook her dinner, like I used to and watch TV but, I dont want to crowd her space. I want to listen and talk to her but, I dont want to crowd her space. I want to bring her out and have fun with her but, I dont want to crowd her space.

This is the hardest thing I am facing right now. I realize in due time things will work out no matter what becomes of us. It is just knowing that she is so close but, so far really kills. There are times like right now that I want to write that 15 page letter to her telling her how I feel, and how much I miss her, to win her back. But, I know that would be too much for her right now and would hurt her. Would it be feasable to write her a letter asking her if she would want to join me for dinner? I guess what I am asking here is how do I go about winning her heart back, without letting her slip through the cracks? I know that it is going to be very hard at first, and I am going to have to take baby steps with her. She expressed her need for space but, also expressed that she missed me very much and is not happy right now without me. Man, women are diffacult, why cant they be up front like men and just lay it all out on the table and then it is all good! It is these games that drive me nuts!! So after all of this is said, should I contact her today or let her come to me?? I want to see her really badly, but am not sure if she wants to see me, and I dont want her to slip through the cracks and think that i am avoiding her!!

 

Quite perplexed in new england

[Lightbringer]

I know it must be really hard for u right now. But the best thing to do is to keep away from her. If she ever wants you back,well then she will tell you. Just try to make it clear what you feel for her, but also tell her that you won't be there for ever. You can have one big final talk where both lay it on the table. After that it's best not to hear from each other, or see each other for at least a month.

 

Believe me it's very hard, and you are probably thinking right know reading this couldn't possibly be out of touch for that long. Yes,, it hurts to be in love sometimes. But if she needs space.. u got to give her that. Sometimes it works out..sometimes not. If it was meant to be..then she will get back on track with you. You must try to enjoy life..hang out with friends and try not to think about her and what she's doing all the time. I was dumped only 2,5 months ago so I know the pain and how hard this can be.

 

Hang in there..and remember..don't call, e-mail or phone her...it will only make things worse...trust me...been there ..done that...no good..

[Alpar80]

I can injest all that you are telling me. I am handling this quite well and am going to keep my distance. The diffacult thing is which, I forgot to mention earlier, is that we have made plans to move to the same city next year and this involves moving together becuase of the moving $ and distance. I will be able to do this and I think until the time comes there is going to be limited contact. I just need to know, and I do know it is going to happen, what to do when she contacts me and needs to see me or cuddle.

The situation is strange, she is living all by herself for the first time in her life. I, on the other hand, have been alone for many years, not having anyone in my life so I am broken in to this life, it doesnt matter much to me being alone. What matters to me is that I dont have that smiley, bubbly, energetic, person who has made me into the person who I am today right by my side. She has molded me into the gentleman that I always wanted to be, relinquishing my deliquency, and becoming accepted into grad school. I have made it a long way in the last year and I can say it was a lot to do with being in love with her.

Well I guess I can just chalk it up from experience, these are the lil things in life which are learning experiences for us. What doesnt kill us can only make us stronger. Next time I fall in love, I wont be so quick and will take much more time. She was such the perfect girl and they are hard to come accross, good values, not a drunk or a user, and had confidence, extremely intellegent. I think this is why i felt so strongly towards her. This not to say that things wont work out between us. We are both at a crossroad in our lives and who's to say that when we move we will realize how much we need eachother.

Right now I dont want to burn her, I want her to have that space she needs, and give her that mutual respect. My biggest question is what do I do when she calls or wants to see me? I know that she has deep feelings to me she is just really apprehensive and running from her fears right now. I wanna be strong and I am sure that this will all work out no matter where it goes. I just dont want to place her in that pressure cooker. Also, I am afraid that I will never meet another one like her in my life. Physically and mentally she was my queen, all of the traits that I loved in a girl. Long red hair, freckles, blue eyes, tall, personality, intelligence.... and the list goes on.....

I fell in love with her the first day I met her in a class I was taking in college, never spoke to her though, was scared. Months later I realized she had a b.f. how could she not with a physique such as hers. I wondered and wondered, like a school boy with a crush, then told myself that she would never want anything to do with a guy such as me. Time came to move out of the dorms for the summer, I looked for an apartment locally and found nothing I really liked except for this one that was downtown, close to work and school so I could commute easily. I had no interest in meeting anyone until.... there she was in the same apt with me and eager to meet me. One of the girls who was renting the room upstairs was like have you met (Jane)...? I was like holy sh.t!! There she was!! The girl I have been so wanting to meet. It was fate, I have never in my life felt anything like this. She was into me too, which I found out later. From then on it was magic! We talked all hours of the night, cuddled, talked more, did everthing together. She had a bf at the time but it fell through, he never trusted her and was quite over possesive. She fell outta love with him and in love with me, and we did it all together. The whole school year we were inseperable, once in a while we had our differences but worked them out. We since have graduated and have made plans to move together, not taking the same apt though, next year. She will be living alone and I am trying to find roommates.

I feel this is way too good to pass up and to let go of so easily, I can see it in the past with other girls I dated, they jsut didnt mean as much as this one. The love was never so perfect and never came together like this one did. As for now, I see a girl that is scared of change. I also see this as a test of our love. She may be asking herself, if we remained together in this new city and happened to break up would he really be there and be my friend like he saud he would? Up here, at home, she is still with in the safeness of her friends and family and has them as a fallback, as for down there she will have no one. So I see this all as being a test and a phase. I want to be there for her, but dont wanna scare her off and dont want to bring up the past at all, eventhough it is very diffacult. Most of all I dont want to give up hope.

Questions: What do I do if she calls? How do I make this move with her in a few weeks? How do I be a gentleman to her without violating her space? How can we mend this?

 

Moving on in new england

[Lightbringer]

I understand your situation and there are no magic words that will make your wishes automatically happen.

 

But I can tell you this. If she calls you must try to be calm and not push her in any direction. Let her do the talking. If she doesn't mention your moving together, and you feel the conversation is ending, then you can bring the subject up in a casual sort of way. If she answers in a positive way, well there you have it. But if she still is undecisive, or tries to avoid answering in a direct way, then you should be worried.

 

By letting her be on her own is the best way to treat her right now. It was her decision to do this. You can only tell her about your feelings, and the rest is up to her. Do not contact her if you don't have something very important say . That is.. besides you loving her.

 

Sometimes it works out..sometimes i don't..

 

I'm still in great pain over the fact that my recent Gf now ex decided to break up with me. I also thought we had something special. She had the looks, intelligence and personality I always had looked for in a woman. But somehow her love died. There is no greater pain than when someone close dies or when someone you love doesn't love you back anymore.

 

I'm not saying this will happen to you..but try to be openminded about this...It's better to be prepared IF it doesn't work out.

 

Hang in there..Best wishes..

[melrich]

At the moment there is nothing you could write or say that would change her mind and you have to accept that. Probably the only thing you could achieve is to drive her further away. I think in this situation you have to remember she is very young (so are you!) and it is likely she wants to spread her wings and experience life. She is coming into an exciting time of her life...moving cities, meeting new people, having new experiences etc. She may whilst doing all this realise that you are the one she loves and you may get back together but she may also go the other way (more likely in my experiences) and you should prepare for that. I still think the best way for you to handle it is to move on in your own mind, if one day she comes back to you great (you may have fallen out of love with her anyway), if not you have put the pain of the break up behind you. Believe me, when someone says they need space they are giving you a serious message, they are not just saying "I need a couple of weeks or months on my own". The desire to stay friends is always strong and the breaker upper usually says this because they think it is the "kind" way to separate. Again in my experience, couples who break up need a period of time where they are not in contact and are not friends to allow both parties to get over it. This is what I think you should do now. Continuing to see her and trying to pretend that friendship is as good as the relationship was is only going to frustrate and play with your head more.