Horrible Performance Anxiety

[TheLostBird]

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[Jinx]

Well keeping the lines of communication open is a good start.

 

Since you're uncomfortable about the fact that she may not be satisfied, in the light of communication you two could discuss what you enjoy, expect, comfortable, etc..., on the intimate side of the relationship.

 

Also, making a point to tell her that if she isn't happy, to let you know as soon as possible in order for problems to be fixed. If she feels it is okay to be open about what she likes and dislikes and blunt enough to allow you to know right up front, that may potentially help the problem, the fact being, it wouldn't come out of the clear blue sky and you two could work together on the issue.

 

Secondly, it is nice that she is encouraging outside of sex, but I think the key idea would be getting some of that encouragement on the sex side of it as well. Since you can't relax and are uncomfortable with whether she is pleased or not, a system of verbal encouragement may be worth the try, more focused on the foreplay time too. I say the foreplay time because (then again this depends on you) if you two feel comfortable for awhile before the actual act and you are sure she is enjoying herself before that point, it might allow things to be more gradual thus allowing you less time to concentrate on the issue of "What If..."

 

Not sure if this helps much, it is about all I could come up with outside of speaking of professional help. If it can't be helped by you and your girlfriend, then you may need to consider counseling to resolve the issue that your original ex-gf caused by this, because if it does go untreated and cannot be dealt with personally it may actually be a major issue, in the future, more so.

[Scout]

Have you gone to a doctor or a psychologist about this? Honestly, if you're this concerned, isn't it worth getting a medical opinion? It's very likely anxiety, and a psychologist might be able to help you there, too. If they prescribe you something - like Viagra - it could be helpful in getting used to and comfortable having sex with your girlfriend, and you won't need it after a while.

[ultraviolet]

Everyone's right. You need to relax. The problem is how to do that? Well if you notice when you're not alone, performance anxiety is never an issue. It only became an issue a month after you started getting more emotionally attached to the new girl.

 

The problem isn't the emotional attachment itself, but the fear of getting attached and becoming vulnerable to getting hurt again. Three months might seem like enough time to get over the heartache of breaking up with your fiance, but if the relationship was a serious as you say, it sounds like you still need some time to process what she meant to you and what happened between you before you can fully trust and love someone else with ALL of you.

 

Unfortunately performance anxiety only exacerbates performance anxiety. Don't worry about what hypothetical future girlfriends would think about your performance. Focus on healing your heartache, making friends, and being ok with being by yourself for awhile. When the right woman comes along, take things slowly. Don't be in such a rush to bed her. Build up the trust and the affection, and when it's right you won't be thinking about what you're afraid of, but how much you love and want to make love to this woman.

 

As for the latest Ex, any girl who'd leave you over sex clearly isn't worth keeping.

[Scout]

As for the latest Ex, any girl who'd leave you over sex clearly isn't worth keeping.

 

I don't want to add to his anxiety, but I don't entirely agree with this. I mean, if she stuck it out for a while and he never went to a doctor or anything about it, maybe she interpreted that as he wasn't going to try to fix the problem. One does want sex in a romantic relationship after a certain point.

 

The good news is its obvious he can perform, since he can get aroused when he's by himself. So, this is an entirely solveable problem.

[ultraviolet]

I see what you're saying, but nowhere in the post did it seem like she did do anything to help him with it except talk the talk. If it was so important to her, why was he blindsided by her assertions when he himself had tried to talk to her on multiple occasions about the problem? (Armchair answer: She never had the courage to tell him the truth and neither of them did anything concrete to resolve the problem.)

 

I enjoy sex just as much as the next woman (ok that's not true... more!) but sticking it out for me (no pun intended) would entail helping him get the help he needs. If performing with someone he loves made him this anxious, I sense that going to a professional isn't something he eagerly would pursue. The least she could have done was tell him how important this was to her and give him the moral support he needed to get help. (i.e. Call a doctor. Go with him to the appointment.)

 

It's the difference between thinking about "us" vs. "me." To me anyone who would give up on a man after a month of unfulfilling sex (note: the first month was good) isn't someone that has the love, commitment, and fortitude to last a lifetime of money, family, career, and relationship problems that challenge all couples at some point. Hence my conclusion: She's not worth it.

 

Note: If I'm biased against this woman, it's because when I was going through problems of my own, I wasn't strong enough to get help. Instead of writing me off, my guy and my friends were my strength until I found my own again. I wish more people in the world were like that.

[Dutchy]

Maybe you could ask your ex what exactly went wrong during sex, though it might be awkward. Now you probably think that the problem was your penis, but it easily could be something else. This way, you could work on it thoroughly.

[onmyownagain]

I think your ex must be a nasty piece of work to say that to you, even if it is true it is a horrible thing to say. Maybe she said it because she is hurting and wants you to suffer as well.