Please help -- my child is depressed

[Lunabelle]

Please, what do I do?

 

My 11-year-old boy, under much loving pressure, finally admitted to me last night he feels depressed all the time!

 

He says he feels overwhelmed. That everywhere he goes he is not good enough. That he feels like crap (his word not mine).

 

Can someone please tell me, how do I proceed?

 

Does therapy and counseling help boys his age?

 

I am calm and adult on the outside but I am screaming in pain on the inside, knowing he is hurting is crushing me too.

[hazlcha]

Sometimes depression can be chemically caused. There are medications, but personally I think that's really in extreme circumstances. Counseling, on the other hand, where he can share his feelings can certainly help. I had it at that age, and it was helpful. There are professional child psychologists available. One concern, though, is that he not take going to a therapist as another sign of his inadequacy. It's much better if he has the choice to go (unless his situation becomes more serious), so that he'll be more open to the work that will be done.

 

I feel that a sense of accomplishment is the absolute best thing for mood improvement. If he is able to do something well, that can help him build up that sense of competence. Part of that is the instruction and encouragement he receives. I study in a performance class where the teacher will never say "that was not good/right/etc..". Instead, if she needs to be critical it will always be "you did such and such wonderfully, however when you did that it did not serve you well. Try something different."

 

Being super careful to always start with the positive and phrase everything in a supportive and positive way goes far.

 

Another issue might be the messages he is getting in school from his peers, or even a careless comment from a teacher. Bullying is a huge cause of childhood depression (I know, I was there). He may wish to open up if, instead of asking him more about his depression, you could find out what his situation at school is like, and help him to navigate those treacherous waters.

 

Bottom line, it's coming from somewhere. If you can help him open up and share exactly where, then a way forward will suggest itself.

[Ash]

Hazlcha has some very good advice.

 

When/if you do go to therapy, try to present it as just giving him somebody to talk and not going because he needs help. If he doesn't get along with the therapist, then it's okay to switch to another. It should be somebody he is comfortable talking to. Of course, that might take a couple of sessions.

[RayKay]

Therapy and counselling can help at ANY age. It's important to find someone whom specializes and has experience in working with children however.

 

After my parents divorced (I was 7), my mum put me in therapy/counselling (scraped together the money to do it) before I even showed a need for it...I think it did help me deal with the stress and anxieties I was going through after my dad left, and from other pressures in my life. Children feel stress and anxiety too.

 

He is pretty young, so probably won't even feel there is a (unfair) stigma to counselling if you tell him you want to take him to talk to someone about his feelings - you can also tell him it's his choice if he wants you to be in the room or not, as that can comfort him a bit too. Of course, if he does not want to go, don't make him, and it might take a couple tries to find the right one for him as well.

 

I would suggest it, it can really really be beneficial to figure out where these feelings are coming from, and even give him the "tools" to deal with them and give him more confidence and control over it. It is better to work with these things as early as possible.

[WildChild]

I put my 11 year old in counseling when his father and I divorced three years ago. This is the first year that he didn't have counseling, but I saw such a HUGE improvement in his outlook, attitude and perception of his life.

[xtina]

I think counceling is best. No medication because it would just make him worst. It doesn't work trust me.

[yeawutever]

Yea, counseling is better, don't try forcing him into saying, that's the worst ever techiniques. Don't go on saying "But tell me, but there is a problem, tell me, I'm your mother, but tell me, and so on". That's wut my mother says if she does and it never work, I had to make up some stuff to get her out of my room. I still hate her for that, I don't like feeling force to tell about my problems, and they're just mines to solve, jeezz.

[Lunabelle]

Thank you all for helping me.

 

I agree I cannot push him. When he actually told me, I could tell he was hurting and I was just holding him close to me and telling him how much I loved him. I was actually stunned that he opened up, b/c I don't push. I just assured him I would help and I would be there.

 

My own therapist says, ask him if he wants to talk to someone and let him lead me. I guess that's what I will do.

[xtina]

Thank you all for helping me.

 

I agree I cannot push him. When he actually told me, I could tell he was hurting and I was just holding him close to me and telling him how much I loved him. I was actually stunned that he opened up, b/c I don't push. I just assured him I would help and I would be there.

 

My own therapist says, ask him if he wants to talk to someone and let him lead me. I guess that's what I will do.

 

Thats good. You don't know how much that would mean to him, because personaly I never had a mother who I could talk to and my father kept pushing me to talk to him. It's annoying and you start backing away. That ruined basically my relationship with him. My mom never knew how I was feeling, because my parents are divorced.

 

You just have to go slowlly, and don't rush. Let things take it's time. And give him support, make him know that you are always present when he needs you. ^_^

[Ians Mommy]

I started battling depression when I was 7 and my parents never knew until this summer.

 

Having gone through it, the best thing you could do is get him help. Sometimes just talking to his parents (you in this case) isn't enough.

 

I don't know about finding anywhere for him to go because I'm completely accross the country but Good Luck!

[avman]

My son is also 11 and has been diagnosed with depression. He's on Celexa because it seems to work well for me and they say that since depression runs in families that the treatment also seems to be consistent among family members.

 

I found a counselor that he really likes and he looks forward to their appointments. She's been giving him all sorts of ideas to help him when he gets down. He has made sort of a "happy box" which contains things that make him happy. It's got pictures of me and his mom, some of his favorite drawings that he's made, a letter from his best friend, etc. He can keep adding to it as he goes along.

 

I've been working with him on this for months and it IS making a difference. Find a counselor/therapist that you trust who specializes in kids. It will make a world of difference.