alonetonight95 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Hi there everyone, this is my first post to this site. I will try to be as succinct as possible. I had been going out with my girlfriend for about 10 months, at which time I had to move from New York to Seattle for work for 12 weeks. She knew about this from the beginning of the relationship, and whilst she often complained about me leaving, I explained to her that I loved her dearly and desparately wanted this to work between us. A couple of times during the relationship she suggested that we break up while I was away and that we reassessed the relationship when I got back. Her reasons for this were usually pretty lame, like she was going to miss me too much and that she didn't want to sit at home being miserable whilst I was away. She kept commenting that it was always harder for the person left behind. I always told her that I wanted to stay together as I felt breaking up then getting back together would cheapen the relationship. Besides, true love conquers all right? Even from accross the country? I was due to leave just after New Year. She was also going on holiday for the first three weeks of January (she said to take her mind off me going). She had also planned to come and see me for a week on her way back from a trip to Canada. About a week before Christmas, everything was going great, until one morning when she woke up and decided that she needed to break up with me. She gave the excuse of me not caring that I was leaving and that I didn't take her feelings into account when she was upset. I had always considered myself to be a caring, considerate, compassionate partner, who always had her best interests at heart. I guess I always believed that we would last forever, so three months didn't seem that long for me. She always had said that three months was "such a long time". A few days later I was out with some buddies, and I arrive home to see her in her doorstep, saying that it was all a mistake and she wanted to be with me. We spent Christmas and New Years together and it was fantastic. I went away to Seattle thinking everything was great. For the first three weeks, we texted every day and things were great. After she arrived back from her holiday, she stopped responding to my texts. I called her, and she told me that everything was fine, but perhaps I shouldn't contact her every day as it was hard for her, but at the same time, she liked it. I asked if she wanted some space and she said yes. So I told myself that I would wait for her to call me, in order to give her that space. After about a week, I still hadn't heard from her, so I gave her a call to find out what time her flight arrived, so I could pick her up from the airport. She told me that she had cancelled her flight to Seattle three days earlier and was flying straight back from Canada (she said because of school commitments, if she missed too many classes she would fail her course). I asked why she hadn't called to tell me this and she said that she was too afraid. She then said that she didn't see how the situation had changed, she had broken up with me before I left and that was that. I sent her an email the next day expressing my devotion and commitment to her, and even offered to quit my job to come back for her. She told me that I shouldn't do that and that she only wanted to be friends. There had been 'too much emotion' in my leaving and she 'just wasn't that into the relationship'. She said that she wanted to be single especially since she had jumped out of a 2 year relationship into going out with me. At this point, after pouring my heart out to her, I told her that I would always love her and wished her well. About a week later I got an email from her apologising about cancelling her trip and she asked if I was ok. I responded (politely), but I was non-committal about everything (ie. I told her what I was up to, but kept all emotion out of it). Since then I have not heard anything back from her. I have not contacted her since either. Is it hopeless? Is the relationship over? Some of my friends think that I might hear from her once I get back to NY. I am not so sure. Has anyone else been in this situation or has any advice they can share? Sorry about the length of this posting! Link to comment
newts Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I would say you may hear from her once you get back to NY, some people can't handle the fact that they are left behind by someone they care about. The most important thing to think about is listen to what people tell you, she said that she needs to be single because she just got out of a serious 2 year relationship - listen to her and give her that time, 2 years is quite a long time to be seeing someone else and then immediately jumping into a new relationship can be fatal. Give her this time and if she doesn't contact you when you get back to NY, then I would make one call and one call only to see if you can start from where you left off. Good luck and stay in the NC mode until you return (If she calls you or emails you, always reply, if you want to get back with her ignoring her could only make matters worse, just make sure she is the one initiating contact). Link to comment
alonetonight95 Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 I guess I just don't understand how someone can say that they love you, only to turn around after only a few weeks apart and say that they are not into the relationship. I'm just very confused. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Welcome to ENA alonetonight! I'm sorry you are joining us under these circumstances... Well, I read your post a few times and have some ideas. Here goes: I think you were the "rebound guy" after her last big relationship of 2 years you mention. I don't think she sufficiently dealt with the ending of that one, in terms of emotions, self-examination, etc. She was probably so accustomed to being in a relationship, having a boyfriend, that she jumped into one with you, but never gave herself time to be single, which is why she wants that now. Now even though you told her you were leaving, she probably stayed in this thinking it would be no big deal or probably didn't even think down the road that far. It's pretty obvious that the rebound-phase is over from her last relationship (10 months is not that long to heal after the ending of a 2 year relationship) and although she tried to make it work with you, I think this one is done. It sounds like it was part her trying to protect herself and part her just not being into it anymore in breaking up with you, but probably likes you a lot and/or feels bad about everything working out like this which would explain her flakiness when it comes to calling, breaking up/getting back together, canceling travel plans, etc. She was probably really confused and was torn between wanting it to work, and as you describe, not being "into" the relationship. I'd start packing up emotionally and moving on from this one. I think her intentions were good with this relationship, even though you probably were the rebound guy, and she did try to make it work, but this one sure sounds done to me. You're much better off single than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. And I don't think this has to do with you as much as it does her and her desire to be single which should have happened in earnest after her 2-year relationship ending. Link to comment
DN Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I agree that you should move on. If she can't handle a short separation like that she is not a good prospect for a good long term relationship. I also think she is more about what she wants and needs rather than what you and the relationship want and need. The fact is that she has treated you badly with her behaviour, in particular changing her plans to see you without telling you. That alone would be enough for me to give up any idea of seeing her again. Link to comment
alonetonight95 Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 Maybe she didn't love me at all. Whilst she said that she did, she always said that she didn't want to hear it all the time because she didn't want it to be a casual line thrown around. Maybe she didn't want to hear it because she didn't feel it herself. It's very difficult to deal with this so far away and with no friends or family to lean on over here. I'm now 29 years old and wondering if I have missed the boat in terms of finding someone. What about when I get back to NYC? Should I contact her? She is still on my group email list, so I guess I could send a group email to let everyone know I am home without directly contacting her. Or should I just give up and not contact her again? Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I think she doesn't want to hear it because it only confuses her more and makes things harder for her. Either that, or her last boyfriend said it and then hurt her...or like you said, she didn't feel it herself and was staying in the relation ship for selfish reasons... Do you see the theme here? It's for her. Not for the relationship, not for us, not for you, but for her...and that's not what it should be about my friend... As far as being 29, you are far from having missed the boat. Many more boats will pass through your harbor my friend...better boats...boats that don't make you seasick, that actually float and take you where you want to go! When you get back, take her off your email list, tell the other people on the list you guys aren't together any more, and then walk away from the whole thing... Link to comment
alonetonight95 Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 So I guess I should take her off my email list. It's sad really, I had committed everything to this girl and now I don't know what to think. I really tried everything I possibly could. I honestl yhave no regrets about anything I did, as I tried my absolute best. I know am afraid that my best just isn't good enough. Link to comment
DN Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 It may not be good enough for her, or more likely she doesn't recognise what good is. But it will be plenty good enough for the love of your life when you eventually meet her. Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 She sounds serioudly emotionally unstable. You did the right things, this is all on her. It does suck... but don't let one bad experience scare you from future fulfilling ones. Link to comment
alonetonight95 Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 I just don't understand. After 4 months she wanted to move in together, and now she doesn't even want to know me. It doesn't make any sense. Unless she was transferring her last relationship onto ours... Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 It's a rebound... they get totally attached through infatuation and as soon as the infatuation goes away it all goes *poof*. She's not ready for an actual relationship. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I honestl yhave no regrets about anything I did, as I tried my absolute best. When you're laying awake at night thinking about her with tears in your eyes...remember this statement... The best is all you can do bro. And remember this too...she wasn't good enough for you...as it sounds like you treated her much better than she treated you...on a deeper emotional level if nothing else... Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Unless she was transferring her last relationship onto ours... For what it's worth, consciously or subconsciously, I think she was using you to fill the void left by her last relationship ending... You're far beter off without her... Link to comment
alonetonight95 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 friscodj I think you are right. I think she was transferring her previous relationship onto ours. That makes it difficult I guess to determine what (if any) of her actions were directed at me or at the previous ex. You seem pretty knowledgeable about this kind of thing, has it happened to you before? I am not sure whether to be angry or sad about this whole thing. How can the person who puts all the effort in keep coming up with the short end of the stick? I so desparately want to ask her that question, but I know it won't achieve anything. I am just afraid that she has simply moved on with no hesitation or second thoughts. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 You seem pretty knowledgeable about this kind of thing, has it happened to you before? Yep... You should feel anyway you feel, there's no "right" way to feel about this. What you should hold onto here are two things I think: a) Ask yourself what if you guys got married, had children, mortgage, car payments, etc. then this all happened? Child support, visitation rights, etc. You see what I'm getting at here? It could be a heck of a lot worse, aside from the emotional pain which will go away, you got off clean! and b) You should look back and see what you could have done better in this relationship, work on those things, and apply what you learn to the next relationship with someone who actually deserves the better treatment anyway! You see what I'm getting at here? Use this one as a learning experience, make it into something positive in your life, "practice for the big game", if you will. You're right, talking to her and trying to figure things out probably won't get you anywhere but more hurt and confused. Reflect and analyze the relationship, then trust your best judgment to find the answers within yourself... Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Another thing to learn about this experience is to 'Red Flag' someone who just came out of a long-term relationship. Not saying to blow them off, just withhold a bit and take it easy. If someone really starts coming on strong then that's a danger sign. Link to comment
alonetonight95 Posted March 4, 2006 Author Share Posted March 4, 2006 She assured me at the time that she was completely over her ex and had been for 6 months. I guess I was Mr. Right Now rather than Mr. Right. I seem to always attract these types of girls? Any suggestions on how to find someone who loves me for me, rather than what I represent (ie. the 'idea' of a boyfriend, rather than a boyfriend itself). Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 I seem to always attract these types of girls? Any suggestions on how to find someone who loves me for me, rather than what I represent (ie. the 'idea' of a boyfriend, rather than a boyfriend itself). Oh man, this sounds like a post I would make... Well, I would say if you keep dating these women, look at what you're doing and do things differently. Things may feel weird at first in doing so, i.e., breaking out of the familiar "comfort zone", but give it a try. You've probably got some things you look for in a woman. Write those down and really look at them. See where you can make changes... Link to comment
alonetonight95 Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 Thanks, I think that is what I need to do. The only thing left is whether or not to let her know when I am coming home to New York or not. I was leaning towards including her in my group 'return' email, so as to not sound petty, and then if she wants to instigate contact she can (I will keep my NC policy). Link to comment
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