Help!

[Burning]

This is a bit of a long story so please bear with me.

 

I know this is gonna sound messed - maybe that is why I need help. 25 years ago I met a man (well, we were kids then, so I suppose that even though he was 18 - a "man", he was really just a boy who I will call Cory (not his real name)). Anyways....I fell hard for him and we had a non-committed relationship for about 2 years. The whole time we saw each other, we continued to date other people. The sex was fabulous but he didn't seem to be putting to much of an effort into our relationship and I was ready for a committment and he wasn't.In November of 1983 I met another man and started having a relationship with him. He gave me what I needed and wanted. We were married within 6 months.

 

I am going to backtrack for just a moment here because there is one detail that is central to this story...When I met my current husband (I will call him Jeff - not his real name), I was pregnant with Cory's child and I did not know it at the time. When the pregnancy was finally confirmed, Jeff thought it was his child but I knew from the dates that the date of conception was actually 2 weeks prior to the date I met him. I have never told Cory and I have never told Jeff. Jeff raised the child like his own and Cory doesn't know she exists.

 

Please understand that I have never, until 2 weeks ago, told anyone about this. I have lived with this for the past 21 1/2 years and have never told anyone. During a heart to heart with a girlfriend of mine a couple of weeks ago, it came pouring out and I haven't been able to stop thinking about Cory since. I haven't seen him in over 16 years and all of a sudden the old flame is a raging inferno! I haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

 

My marriage is not a bad one. The flame is pretty much burnt out though. I know that Cory was married in the late 80's and has a couple of daughters.

I don't know if his marriage is good or not.

 

I am a grandma. I have a good job and own a business. I am involved in volunteer work. I attend church. I have a solid, if not dull, marriage. What I lack in my life is passion.

 

I am dazed and confused! This little development has really thrown me for a loop.

 

Any feedback on what I should do?

 

Burning

[NJRon]

Get some therapy. You have been holding this in for so long. It would only hurt other people if you brought it out. You need to deal with this demon on your own.

 

IMHO

[BooScout06]

I think you definitely need to let your daughter know. And that would probably lead to telling your husband and "Cory" as well. But I think it might be very theraputic to tell them the truth. It's probably going to stir things up quite a bit, but maybe it'll put a flame back in your marriage too. I know after I cheated on my boyfriend and told him about it and tried to break up with him and we got back together that it really took some steps back in time and things were good.

[keenan]

Mmmm. Are you asking whether you should call Cory, or whether you should tell everyone the truth? Think for a long time about what you would accomplish by telling everyone. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation, but I know that a lot of hurt could come from disclosing this now. I agree that you should talk to an objective outsider--preferably a trained, licensed therapist. At the very least you need to think about what you HOPE to accomplish by telling everyone, what you might ACTUALLY accomplish, and whether you're willing to live with the worst-case scenario. Is the worst-case scenario worse than the status quo? I bet it is! Is the best case scenario better than the status quo? Probably. But ask yourself two questions: (1) Which is more likely--the worst case scenario or the best case scenario? (Probably something in between, but on which side?) (2) Is the difference between the best-case and the status quo bigger than the difference between the worst-case scenario and the status quo? What I'm saying is, is what you could gain greater than what you could lose? That might help you think about it. The trick is that this isn't only true for *you*--you have to do it for everyone involved. This isn't just about you anymore. (Sorry to build a clumsy mathematical model of your risks and benefits...it's the easiest way for me to think about it.) Really, Burning--these are big ethical and emotionally-laden issues. You're talking about telling your daughter that her dad is not her biological father, and your husband that his little girl is not really 'his'. That's a heck of a painful way to spice up your marriage.

[DN]

The fact is that you have deceived your husband, your child and your child's biological father and you owe it to all of them to tell the truth. A man has the right to know the child he has raised is his, or that he has a child, and your child has a right to know her real father.

 

This is not just about you and what is best for you. It is about three other people whom you have lied to and deceived about a very fundamental human right.

 

You have done these people a very serious wrong and it is time you told the truth. Make no mistake, they will be seriously hurt and their lives will never be the same. But that is not their fault.

 

Apart from the moral and ethical issues, your daughter needs to know her real father in order that any medical issues that may arise for her or for her children may be properly addressed.

[Burning]

Thanks for your responses and advice. I appreciate it. I do plan on seeking some therapy and really need to think long and hard about the best way to break this news in the gentlest way possible.

 

Oh, young, stupid love.

 

Thanks again.

 

Burning

[Burning]

Get some therapy. You have been holding this in for so long. It would only hurt other people if you brought it out. You need to deal with this demon on your own.

 

IMHO

As a male, how would you feel if an old girlfriend approached you with the news that you have a 21 year old daughter that you didn't know existed? What about your wife of 22 years dumping the news on you that the daughter you thought was yours actually isn't? How the heck do I speak about this after all these years? How would you want it presented to you?

I have an idea how to talk to my daughter as my own childhood was pretty screwy but I don't know how to tell my husband or my old flame.

 

Tell me honestly....would you want to establish a relationship with your daughter or would you rather not know. If you did know, would you depise the mother? These are all questions that have been weighing on my mind quite heavily.

 

Thanks

 

B

[DN]

I know that if I had a child I would want to know her - I can't imagine not. But how I, or anyone else, would react is not a good indicator as to how the father of your child might react. All you can do is what is right and then it is up to him how he proceeds.

[NJRon]

I have absolutely no idea how I would react at all to that situation. Especially since the "child" is full-grown. However, that's why I am promoting the therapy... it's to give you someone to work it out with. To help *you* figure out the best way to present the knowledge. I don't envy your situation, but it's good that you are taking steps toward taking responsibility.