Can't understand mixed signals...

[NewPhillyGuy]

So I met this girl online. We have been talking for the past few months. It went from emailling, to IMing, to txt msging, and to long phone conversations at night. Valentine's Day came around, and I sent her a friendly card saying I enjoyed talking to her...nothing too strong or loaded. She sends back a bear that said "be mine," a nice card, and cookies. I was like wow this girl really likes me. I started to get a little more into it.

 

We started talking about meeting up sometime. It got to the point where we had a day picked out over one weekend. The weekend after I was supposed to go down to her college and spend some time there with her and her friends. Then all of a sudden, soemthing totally out of the blue happened. She calls me up one day and tells me she's upset because this guy she used to have a crush on liked her roommate. I could not get for the life of me why she was telling me this. In a nice way, I told her I thought it was weird that she was putting alot of time into getting to know me, but then came out with this out of the blue. I told her it was probably best that we not talk anymore and she agreed.

 

About a week passed, and she apologized to me. She told me she wouldn't have put in so much effort if she really didn't like me. She said she really didn't want that guy, but it was more so that she was jealous that her roommate could have him but he turned her down in the past. She admitted it was selfish and stupid of her to share that with me.

 

We started talking again, and after a few weeks the idea of meeting up surfaced. The plan was that I was going to drive down to see her. She's 90 miles away! She wanted to just go out shopping for a bit and then have me meet her parents! It was alot for me - meeting her and her parents for the first time. I really didn't want to do it, but I figured she must really like me and maybe felt more comfortable meeting a stranger in her parent's house. I thought OK let's just see what happens.

 

She was totally unfocused and very nervous. We went to a few stores and then went right back to her parent's house for dinner. Her parents were very nice, very friendly, and I almost felt at home and very comfortable. After dinner, it was around 8pm and I was thinking maybe we could finally go out ourselves and get coffee or whatever, and actually have some time alone to get to talk and know each other. She told me she was tired and wanted to sleep. Since I had a 90 mile drive back, I might as well just leave because she didn't seem interested anyway.

 

She calls me up the next morning and asked me what I felt about the other day. I told her meeting her parents and her was too much at once, and I didn't think we were able to get to know each other as I would have wanted. She apologized and just said she was tired from being so nervous and that her parents arguing that day upset her. She explained that she wasn't looking for a relationship right now, and also that it would be tough for us considering that we live far and she has alot going on with school.

 

Anyway, now it's Monday and she's sending me txt msgs throughout the day like she always does. I feel like I'm being played here. I don't know if she's just scared and needs me to show her some consistency or she's just confused, selfish, and doesn't mind messing around with my feelings.

[PocoDiablo]

So you've waited several months and never asked her on a date? I bet two weeks into your relationship with her she was saying "Why hasn't he asked me out?" and finally resigned to the fact that you just wanted to be friends.

 

Read this woman who says exactly that:

 

 

So this guy has asked me on several dates, and seems to really like me, according to his friends who have said he talks about me, etc. Most recently, he brought me back to his apartment and we watched a few movies. He's touched me playfully (like pushing and stuff) ...but the whole time I was there, he didn't make any move on me, like even a kiss or anything. Is there any valid reason that a guy would hold out that long to make a move, if he likes a girl? Maybe he doesn't "like" me like that? I mean, it seems like a stupid question because if he's asked me on several dates, doesn't that automatically mean that he likes me? Any opinions are welcome, thanks.

 

And then maybe read the article I wrote about why you have to ask a woman on a date...

[NewPhillyGuy]

I know you're right about that. I did wait a while to ask her to meet in person, but I just wasn't comfortable yet driving so far to see someone I hardly knew. I was giving her alot of attention though, and I really don't think she had any reason to believe that I didn't like her.

 

Although this is true, it doesn't explain why she's going back and forth like this. I just drove 180 miles for this girl only to be blown off early that night and then told she doesn't want a relationship. THEN, she's back to acting like things are cool again. I'm trying to make sense of her mixed signals. Anyone have a clue?

[ocrob]

It sounds like this woman is very immature and has no idea what she wants. I think having dinner at the parents for a first date is really strange on her part. I can't believe you were willing to drive so far and meet her parents. At this point, I would just go with the flow. It does not sound like she is playing you. I would just keep in contact and enjoy her company. You are not emotionally invested so it will not break your heart if things don't progress. At the same time, there is no reason to end the friendship. I am casually dating this woman I met on the internet. She loves to talk on IM and e-mail, but it is like pulling teeth to see her. She says she likes me and misses me all of the time. I just saw her two days ago and we had a great time. I have kind of decided that she will just be a friend with benefits. I think she is starting to show a lot of interest. They can't expect us to wait around forever.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I think that maybe you two are not as compatible you had hoped. And even though things did not go as well with meeting her, it appears she still wants to maintain contact with you and perhaps have you as a friend. If you are cool with that, then fine but if not and you would rather not deal with her, then I would ask her kindly to cease further attempts of her contacting in any way. Good luck with everything and take care.

[Andy223]

i agree with poco:

 

A strange thing about giving too much attention:

 

Giving too much attention to a girl early in a relationship will destroy your social value. I know u were being nice etc etc, but through your actions you were telling her what a great friend you would make.

 

So i take it, when you became attracted to this girl, you started to focus your attention on her? This is what men have been taught to do by the media and their families. The more attention the guy gives, the more a girl falls in love with him. This just isnt how it works, the media in this respect is very misleading.

 

(you said that she rang you up being upset as to why her roomate could get this guy and she couldnt). People want what they cant have.

 

By giving all of your attention to a women, you are communicating to her that she is more worthy of your attention than any1 else. Shouldnt this be flattering to her? shouldnt this tell her how much you like her? Yes it should, but it doesnt. Women want men that make them feel good, and the only men that can make them feel really good are those that they can respect, and people respect people of equal or higher status.

 

by giving this girl too much attention without asking her out, you no longer become a challenge to obtain (you become boring)

 

btw dont play hard to get, this is not what im sayin here, all u need to do is start focusing your time and attention...

 

ps: - not long ago was i in the same position as you

[mystik]

It sounds like this woman is very immature and has no idea what she wants. I think having dinner at the parents for a first date is really strange on her part.

 

ditto. i completely agree. she's even more confused that you are.

[RayKay]

You took a LONG time to meet her. The fact is if you spend many weeks and months building things "online" and over the phone, your expectations can sometimes become greater then the reality, or on the flipside, interest wanes as you are missing those crucial periods early on in the relationship to connect in person with someone.

 

I think she put you in the "friendzone". I don't think she is being wishy washy on purpose, I think she just IS not feeling it, but a lot of people when you don't feel it don't have an issue still having friendship...for her she probably thinks you HAVE been talking for several months after all.

 

In the future, I would suggest that you meet earlier, to see if there IS anything there. I know you waited a while since you were not sure "90 miles was worth it", but you instead put months of communication into it, when maybe you would of known earlier on, you know? You still made the 90 mile trip anyway in the end, so would of having done it earlier been a big deal?

 

 

P.S. Meeting her parents on a first date was very strange though on her side!

[PocoDiablo]

I think she just likes talking online, and let you meet her to string you along ... personally...

 

I'd dump her. How much time have you wasted sitting in front of a computer compared to going out and meeting real people who live a few blocks away?

 

I make it a rule to go out a LEAST once a week and meet new people. Get away from the blue glow of the computer...

[Mun]

I recommend you stick to meeting people within a good driving distance. You said yourself that 90 miles was a long drive for you, what kind of problem would that have been had you two hit it off?

 

Anyhow, I think that her message is clear. She likes to talk on im and text but doesn't want much more than that. She told you as much and the rest you can see from her actions. Sure she likes you as a friend, she felt comfortable with you meeting her family and all. Your first clue that she was putting you in the friends zone was her telling you about the other guy. So now she probably wants things to go back to what they were before : she had someone to talk to and flirt with, but nothing more...

Now it's up to you to accept that or decide you want more and look somewhere else....

 

best wishes!

[ocrob]

If you think about it, you are lucky things did not work out. That is way too much distance. If you think this woman is fun to talk to, then be her friend. If not, move on and don't look back.

[Bethany]

She's not the one for you, honey. Move on.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I understand what you guys are saying about taking too long, but that's what I did. However, I think made it very clear to her otherwise that I was definitely interested in her. I sent her a Valentine's Day card. I called her often, was always very sweet with her, etc. In any case, the distance is is huge hurdle here. I didn't think about that so clearly. I'm thinking it's best to just avoid her and move on. I do like this girl, so continuing to talk to her would probably just draw me in closer and make it worse considering it probably won't go anywhere.

 

I do feel like I was lead on big time, and I don't get why people do that. I mean why bother if you know you're not thinking about a relationship as a possibility down the line. It just seems like a waste of time to me, and I didn't appreciate my feelings being toyed with like that. I'm probably just going to cut ties with her. I'm sure she would love to just keep on playing this but I'd rather not waste my time on someone who would act like that.