ok ok, so i still need advice :)

[Diggitydave]

I am so tempted to call my ex. it's day 7 without talking to her. I don't even know why exactly, so many different reasons. Am I beign selfish? I am denying a friendship right now because I can't pretend to be a friend while inthe back of my head I just want to hold her and knowing you can't do it is like deliberate torture. I still think I need to get over the boyfriend girlfriend part before I would make agood friend? Am i weak? Should I be able to hold up a friendship and disregard the deep need to be closer with her, hold her head close to my chest, kiss her, hug her, rub my fingers in her hair.

 

Then I get the thought, maybe she's waiting for me to call and tell me things have changed, you're losing her, don't let her go etc. She told me she didn't want to marry me but she didn't know for sure if it was a "now" thing or forever.

 

I love my baby sooo much, i want to hold her again and i wish none of this ever happened. I can't even look at the number 2005 because we spent that entire year together. I want my baby back and I told her not to call so i can get over it but what if i made a mistake, what if i'm not supposed to get over it? I am so lost.....again....

 

I want my baby back, i want to hold her and be there for her and i want her to love and marry me....aaaahhhh whats wrong with me, one day i'm fine the next day i have uncontrollable emotions.

[Dako]

That rollercoaster is maddening isn't it?

Of course if you give in, the highs and lows will just continue to plague you. You have enough on your plate without more painful dialog to analyze.

Don't pick the scab that's forming on your heart. It's nature doing its thing.

[Diggitydave]

Yeah anyone could tell by my posts, one minute i'm fine and all full of good news, the next i'm ready to pluck my nose hairs out one by one. *ouch*

 

 

 

David

 

 

So i came to a decision last night that I needed to leave but then i changed my mind. lol woops

[gratefulpain]

If you need to go for it then go for it dont f-around sing karakoe, do flowers, sing outside her window....sky writing....

 

if its salvagable............

 

else you always wonder....

 

But if its not and shes the dumper... then keep doing what youre doing.....if you romaticze about the cuddling and lovey dovy stuff... and she's not into it..dude youre in for a bruising...... its gonna feel like someone hit you in the stomach witha 2 x 4. youll make a fool of yourself and you'll feel like crap for a good while.....

 

 

P.S. dont call her drunk

[Dako]

Yeah anyone could tell by my posts, one minute i'm fine and all full of good news, the next i'm ready to pluck my nose hairs out one by one. *ouch*

 

Ouw!

Now my eyes are watering!

[Diggitydave]

Well, it's def no salvageable right now. I know that for a fact. I think a lot of dust still has to settle actually. This rollercoaster sucks lol.

[Diggitydave]

I know the relationship part isn't going to happen right now, at least by what she said. She wants to be friends and i feel guilty and selfish cause i can't do it right now, but i did tell her i wanted her in my life but i had to get over this right now.

[PocoDiablo]

Who dumped who? Did she dump you?

[Diggitydave]

ok, i think i've had enough. i know what I did. it's over. no sense in drilling into my skull 30 times a day.

[ocrob]

I didn't understand your last thread. I do think you are doing the right thing by not contacting her. I tried being friends with my ex and it was torture. Yes, the rollercoaster sucks. I have been doing NC for 3 months and I miss my ex so badly. You are not being selfish at what you are doing. Going NC will help the hearling process begin. Also, if there is any chance for the two of you, then she needs some space away from you. I feel your pain bro. Hang in there.

[ShySoul]

Did you lay out everything you were feeling? Or did you keep some things to yourself? If you kept things to yourself, write a letter to her saying everything you are feeling and how much it hurts right now. Say that you will always be friends and that in time you can resume things as they once were, at least friends wise.

 

In the meantime, ride with the emotions. Don't try to fight them. They are perfectly fine and normal. We all feel them. Trying to fight them and torturing yourself over having them will only make things worse. So just go with it. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel angry, be angry. Just go through all the emotions and eventually it works out for the best.

 

I think it comes down to a simple question. Which is worse: the pain of seeing her but not be in a relationship? Or the pain of not seeing her at all? You have to make your choice and bear with the pain you think is less. In my mind, its worse to not see the person at all. But in your mind it is different. So you have to make do with the road you choose. It's not easy. It's not easy for any of us. But we all make it through and end up better off.

[Diggitydave]

I told her before how messed up i was and that I needed time to heal and how I couldn't talk to her (at that time) because I needed to get over this. The truth is I really don't know what to do. I feel like if I contact her, then if she doesn't write back, in my head that would mean she didn't want to hear it and i'm not worth writing back. This is the problem, I have that i need to work on and am still. I want to lay things out for her, but I feel like she already knows based on things i've said and how i've acted before. I would even think that if I wrote her an email stating how I felt that she would take it as a way of me trying to make her feel guilty. I don't really know if an email would do more damage than good. Plus I want to be strong, I don't want to keep running back, i want the pain to end, asap. Whenever I tried to call her in the past and just lay things down and talk to her, she never had enough minutes, or she had to go, or something, so it kinda said to me she really didn't want to hear it. I am so confused, I don't know if telling her how I feel has a point at all or if I should just be patient. I don't think she's ever gonna call me because I said I would call her when i was ready. I guess i'm really not ready yet if i'm still worried the outcome of the situation huh?

[Diggitydave]

I just miss my baby. Would I be living in hollywood or lalaland if I went out, got our favorite song, put it on a radio and stood in front of her house playing it with a big sign that says I love You? lol i know what you'd all say.

I'd better just stick with TIME

[ShySoul]

Don't do the sign thing. You'll end up standing in front of her place all night long cause she went away for the weekend and you weren't aware of it. Don't ask me how I know this......

 

Ok, seriously now. I think in her heart and mind she already knows how you feel. You don't need to say it again. I know that when I tried having conversations, something always got in the way and that things were left unsaid. So that's why I say write the letter. You can take the time to think about it and put in everything that you are feeling. Leave nothing out.

 

If she doesn't respond to you, its most likely because she doesn't know what to say or do. This is a tough spot for both of you. She is probably concerned with hurting your feelings by saying or doing the wrong thing, reminding you that you aren't together. And she may not want to confront her own feelings. So she avoids things. But that in turn hurts you as well. It's like no matter what you guys do, it still hurts.

 

Hence the only cure tends to be time. In time you will feel better. In time you will be able to talk to each other and be friends. It may seem like too much time, and you just wish things would be like they were. But its a slow process. You have to bear through the pain and eventually work your way back up. Keep busy doing what you enjoy doing, and you can make it through.

[healinginnyc81]

hey dave, i know how much you're suffering right now. Don't do it. don't contact her. she knows how you feel. Right now your feelings are running wild and you know it. You said yourself that one day you're fine and the next day you're not. Accept that this is how it's going to be for a while. When you have a bad day like this, believe that you'll be okay in a day or two. When you have a good day, make the most of it because you'll likely have a bad day to weather again.

 

But it's your mind and body healing themselves. Let the healing work naturally. Really all you can do is do your best to take care of yourself. Make sure you're staying healthy, sleeping enough, getting exercise, etc. Also, indulge yourself every now and then. Eat some ice cream, or lay on the couch and watch movies all day. Just have something planned everyday to look forward to. Good luck, man.

[Diggitydave]

I did the worst thing i could've done, broke NC, broke down and cried and flipped out....again...When will I ever learn my lesson. i did 7 days. WHEN WILL I LEARN!

[Dako]

It's like quitting cigarets. You need to just try again.

[Diggitydave]

For most of us, we have broken hearts. We have been dumped and let down. Let me share what i have learned in the past 3 weeks.

 

1. She's not comin back, if she is, it's not any time soon. Don't plan your life around your ex coming back

 

2. Don't break NC unless extreme emergency. I preached for a week about how to not break it and how important it was, then i became a hypocrite and broke it myself. I somehow convinced I had to explain myself to my ex again and get closure....again. Now I am torn to pieces once again and I feel like death.

 

3. If you do mess up, don't beat yourself up about it, don't try to analyze the conversation, take what was said at face value and walk.

 

4. I am telling you now, you will somehow over a period of time come up with a scheme for yourself to contact your ex, whether it is self blame, rage, revenge, or something else. Your heart is playing tricks on you, deep inside, you want to hear their voice, the comfort, the love, you want to taste it again. Your heart will play tricks on you, don't fall for them, this is the time to use your brain until your heart gets back on track.

 

5. I got all the closure I needed and it's time to move. I set a goal for myself. March 28th, is my goal to not talk to my ex. That is one month. Hopefully by that time I won't want to pick up the phone.

 

6. DONT TRY TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO YOUR EX. I learned this the hard way, i tried to go back and explain myself, and relive everything ot make sense of it and let my ex know how much I loved her and told her how blahblahblahblahblah. Secretly when we want to explain ourselves to our ex's, we want them to say I know, I understand, because we want them to understand why we are hurting so much because we are still going to them to ease the pain.

 

7. Rent movies, read books, pray, cry, spend time with your immediate family. avoid situations where you are alone (me all day at work) biggest problem. invite people over, dont' be ashamed, remember when your friend broke up? A V O I D B E I N G A L O N E

 

8. Do not fear. Do not use fear as a tactic to contact your ex, like " i was just so afraid you were upset with me, with someone else, or whatever"...

Instead walk in faith, that you will be made whole, complete, and able to love again, SOMEDAY!

 

 

This is the stuff I have learned from my mistake. Remember, you don't owe your ex an explanation, a chit chat, or anything right now. Your healing is serious business, mine too. We all, including me, must make the best of this time, not look back etc. I am done done done done done done done done done with this pain and the situation is over over over and i've learned the hard way one too many times. Good luck all, I love you all I am a hypocrite now but i'm dusting myself off and tryin again. Maybe i'll learn this time

God Bless

[Dako]

You're doing fine, Dave.

This takes a lonnnng time to get through.

[ShySoul]

You are doing fine Dave. You aren't a hypocrite, you are human. It is a long and difficult process and you will have your bad days. We all make mistakes, though they aren't so much mistakes as learning experiences and all part of the process. Take each day as it comes. It may take a month, maybe longer, maybe shorter. You can't tell. So just ride this through to the end. And at the end you will be better off for all of the experiences and emotions you have felt.

[Diggitydave]

Old pictures, letters, that sort of stuff. should i chuck it?

[keenan]

Box them up, put the box in an attic or a closet or a storage facility, or give it to a friend. Ask the friend to hold onto the box for a year, or until you're convinced you're over it. Don't trash part of your life, but get it outta sight so you don't dwell when you're feeling down.

[ShySoul]

Box them up, put the box in an attic or a closet or a storage facility, or give it to a friend. Ask the friend to hold onto the box for a year, or until you're convinced you're over it. Don't trash part of your life, but get it outta sight so you don't dwell when you're feeling down.

 

Bingo. If you got rid of it there would come a day where you regretted that action and want to look back and remember the good times you had together. So keep it out of sight until you are ready to tell with her and the past again.

[healinginnyc81]

I'll tell you I threw away almost everything. Deleted old emails, etc. Maybe I'll regret it someday but I think that's worth the ability to be able to let go of everything. It's symbolic I think, you'll never forget the memories that are in your head, so do you really need to hold on to those other things. Someday you'll find another love and you'll create new memories with them and you'll have a new collection of items/pictures/ souvenirs and you won't need the box of your ex' stuff.

 

Only things I kept is practical things that she bought me like a blanket, a picture of new york hanging on my wall, and a tshirt.

[ShySoul]

A box of stuff from an old relationship can help remind you of the path you have taken, the joys and sorrow that have lead you to the person you end up with.

 

"I don't keep these things 'cause I'm longing to go back

I keep them because I want to stay right where I'm at

I'm reminded of my rights and wrongs

I don't want to mess this up

But I wouldn't know where I belong

Without this box of stuff"

 

Chely Wright, "Back of the Bottom Drawer"