My boyfriend got a DUI but doesn't know that I know

[ehg228]

I have a rather interesting situation. I saw a letter on my boyfriend's desk the other day telling him to be in general district court last week. I wasn't snooping, the letter was sitting out on his desk. I don't think he meant for me to see it though because the next time I walked by the desk it was gone. Court proceedings are a matter of public record though, so I went to the court's website and looked up his name.

 

Turns out that he got DUI back in mid-November before we started dating. It was actually the night after we met. He was charged last week. He has never mentioned any of this to me.

 

Big problem - We live in VA and a DUI conviction carries a mandatory one year suspended license charge with it. So, since the end of last week he has had a suspended license. I'm not sure how exactly he thinks he is going to keep this a secret (if that's what he is planning on doing).

 

The other issue - he told me he was going to be out of town (for work) from the end of last week through tomorrow. I had a really strange feeling that he wasn't actually out of town, and turns out that he never went. His court date was during this supposed out of town period. When I called him the day after he was supposed to leave he said that his plans changed. He also said he had to work all weekend, which is something that does happen with his job. I assume he was working, but I'm not positive. He called me both Sat. and Sun. afternoons when he got home.

 

So. Should I confront him about this? Maybe he'll tell me eventually, but it's already been a couple days. I mean, a year is a long time to pretend to have car issues to get me to drive places. I'm more pissed that he lied to me than got a DUI! I don't know any of the details about what happened, but he is not an irresponsible person.

 

I'm frustrated and worried. Any advice?

[Beyondthesea]

Wow so do you think he is driving without a license right now? If that's the case, I would definitely bring it up rather than his butt get sued!

 

If it was sitting out on the desk and you passed it by, you weren't snooping. It was sitting out in the open and he has no one to blame but himself that you saw it.

 

Maybe you should just talk to him like normal and ask him if something is bothering him, or tell him you feel that he is withholding something from you and see if he spills. If you aren't worried about him getting angry, just confront him with it.

 

Sorry I can't give better advice!

[Mrocza]

I think you should bring it up.

 

You weren't snooping, it was lying on his desk.

 

If you just ask him what the letter was for, if he had a ticket or outstanding charges and not attack him with questions, he'll come clean.

 

If not, mention what you know. :S

[ehg228]

Wow so do you think he is driving without a license right now? If that's the case, I would definitely bring it up rather than his butt get sued!

 

If it was sitting out on the desk and you passed it by, you weren't snooping. It was sitting out in the open and he has no one to blame but himself that you saw it.

 

Maybe you should just talk to him like normal and ask him if something is bothering him, or tell him you feel that he is withholding something from you and see if he spills. If you aren't worried about him getting angry, just confront him with it.

 

Sorry I can't give better advice!

 

Well, I'm sure the judge put in the provision that he can drive to/from work, to/from the doctor, etc. That's generally what happens in VA if this is your first offense. As I said before, he's a very responsible person (or so I thought...) and would not drive with a suspended license. We went out to dinner the other night and I drove because he told me he had car trouble. Which was most likely a lie.

 

VA's DUI laws are extremely strict for first time offenders. I'm certainly not an advocate of drunk driving - I'm very against it and think that it's so irresponsible and stupid. I mean, just call a cab! But anyway, I had another friend who got pulled over and got a DUI. He was on his way home from dinner at a restaurant and had a few glasses of wine. He was not drunk by any means, but his BAC registered above the legal limit.

 

I'll see what happens tonight. If it goes more than a week or so past when his license got suspended I'm going to definitely say something. I want to hear what happened that night and what the consequences of this are going to be. I'm sure he's stressed about this because it could very well ruin his career.

[Meow18]

Honestly, if he intends to keep this from you, I would be very interested in how he goes about hiding it for a whole year.

 

Maybe he's afraid you will be mad, which I could understand. It is very irresponsible, but that happened before you dated him, so I don't think the "main" problem should be about that really. But the fact is, he lied to you. It wasn't just a small lie, this is something major.

 

You need to confront him. You didn't do anything wrong. He left it on his desk. The fact that the letter was gone the next time you looked just means that he realized it was out and he needed to hide it.

 

Just say something like "where were you really this weekend?" Give him a chance to come clean. If he doesn't then, then you really need to tell him you know all about the letter because you saw it on his desk.

[ehg228]

You know, I kind of want to hold out and see how long it takes before he HAS to tell me because it's obvious something is up. I mean, it could actually become humorous. He knows I'm not an idiot and was suspicious this weekend but believed his story about his trip getting cancelled.

 

I am much more angry about being lied to. Because I know him well, I'm pretty sure that he wasn't out-of-his-mind drunk and going to kill someone the night he got pulled over. He probably had been out and had a couple drinks and wasn't necessarily drunk but had a blood alcohol level higher than the limit. But, who knows really.

 

He's probably lying about it because he thinks I'll break up with him when I find out. I mean, it's a really embarrassing thing to have happen. It could potentially ruin a lot of things in his life, and I'm guessing that he's wishing it would just go away.

 

We'll see how it goes.

[kellbell]

Yes, I do think you should mention it to him. I dated a guy whom was charged for a DUI-twice. The second time he got out of it and was charged with a lighter sentence-wreckless driving. Nonetheless, his liscense was still suspended for 90 days. He STILL drove and drank at the same time. Very irresponsible and reckless behavior. My ex drove intoxicated all the time, he just was caught two times.

 

Chances are your BF does this too, he just got caught this time. And from the sound of your post, he had no intention of telling and planned on driving with a suspended liscense. If he got caught doing that, he would be arrested. I don't know, that is a lot of stuff I don't want to deal with. It's not the just the acts themselves that would bother me, it is the IRRESPONSIBILITY of it all that would eat me up. Who knows what else he is hiding from you?

 

I would definitely talk about it. It is your safety and peace of mind at stake here. Good luck with everything and take care.

[ehg228]

Thank you to everyone who replied and offered me advice. It really helps being able to hear other people's situations.

 

I told him last night that I knew what was going on. He was silent for a minute and looked really upset and then said that he had no idea how to even begin telling me. Basically this has been hanging over his head during our entire relationship, which actually explains a couple things. He apologized for not telling me. He pretty much feels like his life is over.

 

I feel so bad because he was screwed over by Virginia's justice system. When he got pulled over and did the breathalyzer, he blew UNDER the legal limit. However, the cop made him walk the line, etc. then cuffed him and made him sit in the police car for over an hour. After that the cop drove him to the station and made him use the machine there. As he was doing it, the cop said something to the effect of "yeah, this machine doesn't usually work very well." Top that off with the fact that my bf smokes which affects the reading as well. My bf asked for a blood and pee test and the cop refused.

 

During the court hearing the cop lied about what happened and made up all this stuff about my bf stumbling and not being able to stand on his leg and count to infinity. His lawyer was amazed that he was still convicted. The judge he had was in the news recently for letting repeat offenders go too often, so I think that influenced his decision. VA has a real problem with repeat offenders killing people because the judges are lenient. They need to worry more about that then people who have 3 drinks and are driving their drunker friends home. If my bf can afford it I think they're going to appeal.

 

It completely sucks for him. He has so many things that he's done well in life and they could all be canceled out by this. He hasn't heard yet if he will lose his job, but should know hopefully in a couple days. Yeah, so, lots of stress right now.

[novaseeker]

I know VA's DUI laws are very strict, I also live in VA and I'm a lawyer.

 

But in your BF's case it sounds awfully suspicious to me that he was still convicted if he didn't blow over the limit, given the other factors you mention. I assume he *did* blow over the limit at the police station? The units at the police station are required to have calibration records. Did your BF's lawyer get those from the prosecutor? If there aren't calibration records, I think that may be appealable. If he didn't blow above the limit, it comes down to the cop's testimony about how drunk he appeared (not many people know this, but you can get convicted of DUI even if you are under the "limit" if the state can prove otherwise that you were intoxicated ... all the test does is remove the need for the state to prove you were intoxicated beyond the breath test, but passing a breath test does not guarantee you won't get convicted of DUI).

 

Why would he lose his job over this? Most of the time restricted license privileges granted to first offense DUIs cover travel to and from work during certain hours.

[ehg228]

I know his lawyer was very surprised that he was still convicted. My bf was very honest with the cop and told him that right before he left the bar he had taken a shot (maybe more than 1, I don't remember. Extremely stupid, I know). That's why the cop made him sit in the car for over an hour so that when they went to the station his blood alcohol level would be above .08. Supposedly there were calibration records of the machine, but the officer at the station said it usually doesn't work right. He knows about the passing the breath test and still getting convicted thing. The reason the cop said he was intoxicated was from the test where you stand on one leg and count by the 1000s. He went up to 22,000 and the cop never told him to stop and was doing fine, so he stopped. I guess this was wrong, but from hearing other people's stories it's something often used against people in court.

 

It's very obvious that all of these things sound like a bunch of excuses. He knows what he did was wrong and that he should have taken a cab. He knows he was irresponsible. There are a lot of things working against him here, and if this had happened in another state the consequences may not have been as harsh. But anyway, that's just another excuse for doing something wrong.

 

He's a pilot in the Navy and will most likely lose his job over this. He can drive to/from work, etc. but I don't think they really care about that. He just feels that he wasn't a raging drunk who was going to kill someone. There's been talk of VA's drunk driving laws being unconstitutional and I think he's frustrated with VA's system for prosecuting first-time offenders (he's from TX).

 

Anyway, thanks for your input. He knows what he did was wrong and will probably hardly ever drink again.

[novaseeker]

Yeah it is. I think it's worth appealing, given the potential impact on your BF. The fact that he was sitting in the car for an hour before he blew over the limit at the station in itself is a significant bad fact for the state, because it really isn't relevant what his BAC was at the police station, it's more important what he was when he was driving.

 

 

 

Yikes. Sorry to hear that. Perhaps if they know all the circumstances he won't lose the job?

 

 

 

I think that in part Virginia's laws are unconstitutional as well, but it's not so much the penalty part that's not constitutional (since they do allow for restricted license privileges), but the impact of the breath test. A judge in Fairfax County was dismissing cases last year on the basis that the law (which says that if you blow over the limit you are considered legally drunk) violates the due process clause of the constitution by shifting the burden of proof to the defendant ... in other words, the effect of the law is to switch it around from being innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt to being presumed guilty, with the burden on the defendant to rebut that presumption. A case is now making its way up the court system. To be honest, there is such a huge amount of hatred for DUI offenders in general (and the huge lobby of MADD to deal with) that I don't think there will be much change in the laws, or that a higher court would find them unconstitutional (even if they are).

 

 

 

I hope things work out. I've known people who've been convicted of DUI in Virginia, and it's a real pain to work through even if it doesn't impact your job (police officers routinely run license plate checks at stoplights and gas stations and the like to see if DUI people are driving outside of their restrictions, for example), and it isn't easy to live with in any case. I hope that maybe he can appeal and sort this out or at least get some ammunition to use to strike a deal with the state for reckless driving or something like that.