STUCK in a no-sex marriage

[acsentu8]

I need some advice! My husband of 10 years left me a few years ago. After that happened, I was matchmade with another guy (my now husband). We spoke over the phone for 9 months, and without seeing me he proposed to me. I was swept off my feet. I moved up here to get married and we've now been married for 1 and 1/2 years. I am miserable! He is so not my type and I'm not his type. We both believe in commitment and staying married, but we are really both very unhappy. He emotionally abuses me by "working me up" and then walking out and not fulfilling me sexually. This makes me angry and resentful..and then he gets turned off sexually completely because of my attitude. It's like a catch-22. I feel guilty with having feelings of wanting to leave because he was married several years ago to a woman that left him after 1 and 1/2 years. That's exactly the time NOW that I'm wanting to get out...or escape. My husband and I have not had sex in over a month. Aren't we supposed to still be newlyweds? Actually he pushed me away after 1 month of marriage. Now granted, I've gained some extra weight since we've been married, but he pushed me away when I was smaller too. He has gained weight too. I just wanted to clear that up here because most people tell me it's a weight thing. I'm not buying it! It's deeper than that. I just need some advice on what I should do. Should I stay or leave?

Thanks for reading this. A

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

You only have to ask yourself this for your answer. Do you think that there's a chance that things will change and that you two can have your happily ever after? If not, then are you willing to spend the rest of your life being unhappy?

 

Talk to your husband about this. If he's not willing to listen and work things out then your only alternative might be to leave. A marriage shouldn't be a prison.

 

Good luck to you.

[theantibarbie23]

To be honest, it sounds like the two of you really rushed into this marriage and both of you need to sit down and figure out why you were both so quick to get married to a virtual stranger and what your needs are in a marriage. If you can both really commit to trying to fufill one another's needs in the marriage you might have a chance of salvaging this relationship, if not, the two of you should just end it now before it becomes a non stop cycle of hurt feelings and resentment.

 

You might want to try going to Marriage Councilling and see what a professional advises the two of you to do. Good Luck!

[Arrowsmith]

You shouldn't look at this as his withholding sex from you. A more productive (and, I suspect, more accurate) way of looking at this is that he has a lower sex drive than you. This is a problem that you can both contribute to solving. It won't be solved by him deciding to have sex with you more often - but if you think creatively you might find a mututally acceptable solution. Is there some other form of sexual release that you can engage in with him? Is their something you can do to arouse him (masturbate for him, or watch pornography with him)?

 

Sometimes guys just don't want sex -- since I turned 35 I find that I want it less than I did when I was 25. Remember that you are only part of the equation and there are a lot of other factors that could contribute to him not wanting to have sex.

[friscodj]

This definitely sounds like a situation where marriage counseling would help tremendously. Talk to him, see what he thinks about it...

[Dako]

"Working you up" and not following through shows me he's cruel.

He may have a low sex drive, but there's no reason to be so abusive.

[Beyondthesea]

I agree with Dako. He's being sexually abusive in my opinion.

 

If that's the way he wants it, play the same game! Work him up and walk out! (now that's cruel but it would get the point accross just the same

 

Honestly, I would get out of this marriage. You both didn't even know one another, and married much too quick considering.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I moved up here to get married and we've now been married for 1 and 1/2 years. I am miserable!

he was married several years ago to a woman that left him after 1 and 1/2 years.

Did he not perform sexually with his previous wife? Because if you're getting sick of it in the same time, it tells me thats about all someone can stand of this guy. Has he been to counseling? This sounds like a very manipulative and cruel thing to do. If you really want to try fixing this get a professional involved, otherwise you shouldn't have to put up with that.

[acsentu8]

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post! Funny how you know something inside yourself, but hearing it from someone else...well, it just puts a new twist on things. Thanks for all of the profound wisdom. You people are really smart!! hehe. I think you all missed your calling as professional counselors.

But thank you for being a servant on the board and sharing your advice with me. Love you, bless you, hugs to all!!

A

[friscodj]

Maybe the guy has some form of ED...

[Dako]

Maybe the guy has some form of ED...

 

But why would he get her jazzed up and walk away? If he wasn't getting wood, she'd notice it. As I read it he deliberately does this, but maybe I'm daft.

 

acsenu8 ?

[acsentu8]

What is some form of ED mean?

[acsentu8]

Yes, I'm here! He does get excited when he hugs me and all, but then if I try to initiate something, he says "stop it" or shoves my hand away or just acts like he doesn't want me to touch him....ever. This happens every time. I have stopped trying. My mom told me to not pursue at all. That's what I'm doing...but it kills me inside that I can't be with my husband intimately. He feels more like a room-mate. I know it's bad because I've been dreaming (when I sleep that is) about making love to him. But it's all a dream.

A

 

Oh yeah, I actually got in touch with his ex-wife!! She said she left him because he was child-like and they had intimacy problems too. I wish I would've known this before I married the guy.

[friscodj]

Yes, I'm here! He does get excited when he hugs me and all, but then if I try to initiate something, he says "stop it" or shoves my hand away or just acts like he doesn't want me to touch him....ever. This happens every time. I have stopped trying. My mom told me to not pursue at all. That's what I'm doing...but it kills me inside that I can't be with my husband intimately. He feels more like a room-mate. I know it's bad because I've been dreaming (when I sleep that is) about making love to him. But it's all a dream.

A

 

Oh yeah, I actually got in touch with his ex-wife!! She said she left him because he was child-like and they had intimacy problems too. I wish I would've known this before I married the guy.

 

I'm surprised you didn't know this before you married him... Did this just start happening?

 

At any rate, we're all just speculating here. He really does need to go see a counselor about this issue...

[Dako]

Do you think he may use withholding sex to control you? Since his ex mentions it maybe he wants to punish you for some childish reason.

[melrich]

He is so not my type and I'm not his type. We both believe in commitment and staying married, but we are really both very unhappy.

 

I think you've got your answer here. As another poster said, marriage is not meant to be a prison and sometimes we have to accept we make mistakes. Doesn't mean you should pay for it for the rest of your life.

[acsentu8]

I didn't know much before we got married...actually, I was pretty stupid to jump into it before we spent physical time together. His ex-wife had mentioned about the control thing. He knows that I want the sex...so wouldn't you know that be the thing that he withholds from me!

We've had problems from the beginning of the marriage. It seems we spent 3 weeks living together before the ceremony...and things were great in that area...sex was great. But as soon as we got married and after a month, he started playing his little game. Maybe I'm too much for him to handle. I'm 34 and he's almost 40. I wouldn't think that would make much of a difference though.

A

[acsentu8]

Oh, another big thing....he has a bunch of "girlfriends" on the internet that he sneaks and chats with. I check his email box at his work. He doesn't know I do that. It seems that he is being "faithful" to me..but still, I think he feels he needs to talk with these other women and keep them as friends for security reasons. He has even had one of the single women send a Christmas card to his work address and make it out to just him. I was left out. I have been jealous in the past, but a good reason. I'm just not that jealous anymore because of the way he treats me.

[RayKay]

Oh, another big thing....he has a bunch of "girlfriends" on the internet that he sneaks and chats with. I check his email box at his work. He doesn't know I do that. It seems that he is being "faithful" to me..but still, I think he feels he needs to talk with these other women and keep them as friends for security reasons. He has even had one of the single women send a Christmas card to his work address and make it out to just him. I was left out. I have been jealous in the past, but a good reason. I'm just not that jealous anymore because of the way he treats me.

Well, this would of been handy information earlier on in your thread.

 

 

Not only is this a control issue, but he is being dishonest and basically "sabotaging" your marriage.

 

I sure would not put up with that, in fact a man being sneaky that way on me would find himself looking for a new home to stay in pretty soon!

 

That is BS he "had" one of the women send him a card at work, he did it so you would not see it plain and simple, not just so you would be "left out". Do his "friends" even know he is married?

 

I don't know what else to add, other then this seems a terribly unhealthy marriage, and you can only sell yourself short for so long. Yes, there were some mistakes made I think when you got involved, but learn from them, rather then live with the results of them forever.

[friscodj]

Oh, another big thing....he has a bunch of "girlfriends" on the internet that he sneaks and chats with. I check his email box at his work. He doesn't know I do that. It seems that he is being "faithful" to me..but still, I think he feels he needs to talk with these other women and keep them as friends for security reasons. He has even had one of the single women send a Christmas card to his work address and make it out to just him. I was left out. I have been jealous in the past, but a good reason. I'm just not that jealous anymore because of the way he treats me.

 

What the...

 

The more you post, the more the smoke clears and reveals a real disaster here...

 

I'm a big believer in 'til death do us part, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, but this sounds like a situation you should get out of...

 

Is your portrayal of the situation really as bad as it sounds?????

 

This dude has Issues...note the capital "I"...

[Arrowsmith]

Would he be upset if you had sex with somebody else? Do you see what I'm getting at? I'm trying to understand what he's getting out of the relationship with you. That's where your leverage comes from, so you should be aware of what it is. Would he balk if you suggested that you have an affair? Not because you're angry, mind you, but because you have a sexual need that he doesn't seem to be willing to meet.